"As long as you're here with me, I know we'll be okay"

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Queen_Of_Hearts_13, Oct 8, 2018.

  1. MA Journal

    Today was better. We are home from couples. It went alright. Jaks doing hw and I guess I'll continue the program I am in and figure out what I want to eat for dinner
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  2. MA Journal
    Baby A is really starting to walk! He lapped the dining room table twice yesterday!

    Jak and I are overall doing well though we had a spat about him talking about some business idea with cars.... it's not that it's not a cool idea it is it's just cars have negatively impacted us and I fear the more cars enter our lives the worse our marriage will be so I was definitely emotional in my reaction. I apologized and explained my fears and he assured me that it probably would never happen but just wanted to know if I thought the idea was cool.

    Jak didnt do 5 Cs so today 2 extra feelings and 100% of chores are consequence. Then he didnt initiate sex and I talked about it with him and he thought I was still in pain like last week so he didnt want to hurt me... and I said that's sweet but you still get a consequence to which he was like you're right I should have asked how you were doing with that ..

    I have an essay to write for school and other school hw.... that is my focus today. Nothing else.
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  3. MA Journal

    I am royally livid. LIVID. My like.... how can things fall apart in just one week. My mom has no sense of boundaries and texted Jaks dad about the garage... which is hell because of Jak working on the car...Jak then texts his dad after his dad had texted him and undermined my mom....I just hate this.

    Cars are ruining all families. Jaks dad is a fucking idiot for getting him those 2 cars... like why does Jaks dad think its okay to do that and keep them at my parents like how fucking clueless and disrespectful.

    I hate this. I hate cars. I wished cars never existed. Cars are ten times worse than porn, cars are literally going to tear my entire family apart (my parents, Jak baby A and I, jaks side of the family)..... like I hate it.

    I truly hope Jak has learned his lesson and never brings another car into our life again until one of ours gets totaled. I just want those 2 e46s gone and I want that Fiat to be sold so we don't waste money on it. I HATE THIS.


    Jak better learn his lesson or this is all for nothing.
  4. MA Journal

    Life is just stressful right now. I can't stand that Jak is the biggest coward. As @Kenzi has stated, you protect what you love... and if Jak is some fucking weak ass coward that can't talk to his father and stand up for me, I don't want to be with him. A man that cannot protect his family is not a man at all. I am tired of being the man. I protect Jak at every turn.... and for what?

    I just hope Jak chooses correctly
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  5. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Yes it comes down to loyalty. You are his wife and he should stand up for you and protect you - even if it is his father. I remember having this problem with my husband and his mother. His mother and I never got on, in fact it wasn't just me, she hated all her sons wives, I don't think she could handle not being the number 1 important female in their lives anymore. She said and did some horrible things to me, I remember one of our first ever real arguments that my husband and I had, was because his mother was being nasty and I felt that he should be protecting me and standing up for me and he never did. I had never done anything wrong to her. She'd say horrible things, like when my 1st baby was only a newborn and you know how they mouth your chest when they want a feed, well she nastily said to me "he's trying to bite you". Things like that. With my 2nd newborn, a photo she had of myself and my newborn daughter, she cut my head out of the pic and stuck it on her mantle piece. She was just nasty and he never protected me and stood up for me. I felt extremely hurt. So I really understand how you feel. I've felt it at other times in different situations with him too. Like he doesn't have my back, and that I can't rely on him. This is huge and needs to change. Your loyalty should always be to your wife no matter what!!!
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  6. MA journal

    Last night has horrid, I broke down PTSD over his dad and vitim blaming I just .. I can't stand it. I think it brings me back to my other traumas where I was blamed...

    Jak said he would text his dad because when he talks in person his dad shuts him down and yells at him and tells Jak he is wrong, so through texting Jak can say what he needs to say and have a dialogue without getting cut off and yelled at until his dad leaves.

    My hearing is still not there in my left ear. Doc said to use Debrox for another couple days and I should be good, if not she referreed me to another doc to flush my ears.

    School today, essay is done, haven't read my hw for today, will do that on train.

    Potentially might be getting a client, not sure.... I want to talk to both of them before anything happens to make sure we are a good fit.

    Have to get in the shower and then head to city.... I hope I can follow in class as I can barely hear....
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  7. MA Journal

    Things have been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I just think I am terrified. I think I am so terrified that I can't actually fathom what it would be like to have a normal healed relationship that I end up panicking when things go well.

    Yes Jak is still learning, yes Jak is still making mistakes, but he is also doing a lot more than he ever has and he deserves credit for the effort. Jak knows he has to talk to his dad and knows the other things to work on. I just have to trust that he will follow through.

    Jak didn't do this 5 C's yesterday so 2 extra feelings adn chores for him as the consequence. He also forgot to message me when he got to class.

    I have a doctors appt in the next hour, and have to read some of my teams article submissions so I can see if they are ready to go up for next publishing date.
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  8. MA Journal

    Things are good. Had a great night with Jak last night... we had a bath together while watching Netflix and gave each other massages. It wasn't sexual it was just relaxing, something nice for each other to show our love and care. I loved it. I know Jak was super stoked because I don't give massages. I don't because well I guess growing up massages were my thing, it started with my grandma and her fake nails and she would lightly rub my back and my parents gave me massages growing up too to relax for bed because I couldn't sleep especially when I had growing pains in my leg. Also I don't give them because I bite my nails down to the point where it hurts so putting pressure on my fingers for a massage hurts unless I've left them alone for a couple days, but a massage in the bath or head massage is managable for me because with a head massage it doesn't have to be super pressure, and with the bath I have the soap that makes it easier idk, but I know Jak liked it. I know he hates baths so it's always nice if he joins me, so I was thinking that if he does ever join me for a bath I could always give him a massage as a way to show my appreciation.

    Still need to read articles today. I am going to print them out to read, as I went to the eye doc yesterday and they did some test and I experienced that vertigo I've been having! They said my eyes are having issues when they come together for closer objects and that because I am on my computer all day for work that I need to take breaks every 30-60 minutes and look out a window at far objects to help. Also I have to use nightmode in the evenings to help as well. I got an updated prescription for my contacts and I feel like i can see! I mean I can see so much better. I can read the signs when I am driving, I don't have to squint anymore so that makes me feel so much better.

    I went on a walk with Baby A yesterday down our road and back up and it was nice. This weekend I want to go to the dog park with Jak and Baby A because I want to for joy but also because it aligns with a school assignment I have to do on public spaces for my class. I've been dying for it to be a bit warmer out so we could take Baby A to places given he never had the flu shot.

    I am also excited for when this semester ends because I'll be able to go back to Pilates! I honestly don't know how new moms go to gyms or get workouts in when there is no one to watch their baby.... like how? I am the type of person to need structure and someone pushing me to work harder during an exercise. I can't exercise at home. I've always done my best when I have a "drill sergeant" pushing me. So I can't wait until the semester ends in a couple weeks.... to be back in pilates as challenging as it can be at times is so rewarding. I noticed a huge shift in my emotions and overall mood. When I was in pilates regularly I was overall in a better mood and more emotionally stable. When not in pilates I've noticed I am down more and just falling into self-hatred.
  9. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    When my son was little I had a membership at the Y where they had drop in daycare. It was wonderful - a little time to myself to work out and I knew he was taken care of. Neither of my kids have ever had the flu shot and I took them everywhere.
  10. MA Journal

    Holy hell it's been busy and crazy and just... fuck.

    I still can't hear out of one ear, sometimes both, so the debrox is super slow.

    I still need to do some school hw and I need to catch up on MA hw. Jaks is on top of his hw aside from the 5 Cs.

    My dad told Jak that if the car and garage isn't out and clean that when my mom returns from tennessee if she wants to kick him out my dad would stand by her. Jak is super stressed. I am super stressed.

    Trying to get this god damn car out today... have multiple people asking, one person seems serious and so I pray the car is out with this guy, and Jak is currently cleaning the garage.... it is a mess... like no one can park in the garage... my parents have had it... Jak realizes how stupid it was....

    My dad said to him, "with you Jak words mean nothing, at this point action is all we can believe" and I was trying not to laugh because it's so true. If you want to earn trust, trust is earned Through Action.

    Jak seriously put himself in his own doghouse with his IA and PA shit. I am hoping that this has taught him a lesson.... to just put cars on the back burner. They don't matter, what matters is family.

    I swear Jak better not ask to buy another project car for the next 5 years. I don't want to ever have to deal with this when we have our own place.

    So this weekend which was supposed to be relaxing has been a hectic rush of trying to find anyone to take this car by the end of today and clean and just... idk.

    I hate this. It's too stressful.
  11. MA Journal

    The car is gone!!! Thank the gods. I can hear out of one ear, still muffled in the other.

    Jak is stressed, I am stressed. School, work, parenting, marriage, misc. A lot. Jaks behind in school, he is slipping a bit with some of the IA hw (5 C's and his letters) and feels he never has a minute to himself - which is true. Jak really doesn't. So I want to discuss with him some ways for him to get some uninterrupted relax time to play guitar, or drums, or draw or whatever to just relax. I know that I literally hate the days where I have no time to just have one minute to relax. So I want to make sure Jak is getting that as well.

    I want to discuss switching up chores as part of the way to get him some time to relax and see if my suggestions would help.

    Baby A is walking and trying to run but usually falls. It's adorable. He gets frustrated. It's hard now that he wants to explore EVERYTHING. There are times I do just need him to play in the play pen to get things like school work done. If he really hates it then I put him in the walker so I know he is safe but can explore a safe area. And once I don't have work I will walk around the house with him and play and explore.

    I really wish every day could be balanced -play pen, walker, walking/exploring time/play time. I can't tell you how horrible I feel on the days I have tons of work and don't get to just spend play time with him. I don't know how other moms handle all of this.

    I feel guilty because I want a career. I want to pursue the things I love... but I also want to be present and here for Baby A.... some days we have mainly hang out and play days and other days it's tons of work.... I still can't figure out a balance. And maybe I won't I mean babies and toddlers are unpredictable. Baby A was fussy over the weekend, maybe picking up on Jak and my stress or knowing my mom's out of town and missing her. Idk.

    I just can't wait for this semester to be over. I really hope jak gets his tech number adn a raise in May, he deserves it. I think he has done a good job at BMW- always helping out and picking up slack and learning tons of the jobs, the techs love him and always are buying him lunch as a thank you for the work he does for them (they get paid for his work because jobs are hourly rates so if Bob does a head gasket while Jak is doing an oil change under Bob's tech number Bob gets paid for both of those jobs).

    I also just want my business to succeed but that means getting my fucking ears in order! I figure they will be good by the end of this week. I need them to be. My current couple is doing so well. They seem to be in such a better place and knowing I helped them get there just makes me feel great. Knowing I have the skill and ability to take what I've learned from school and personal experience and pass it on to a couple and have that knowledge/experience actually apply to the real world and get results... well isn't that what school is for? To learn and then apply to the real world. Well, I have succeeded.

    I think I am going to use some of the tips and tricks I use with my clients.... I think that would actually really help Jak and I on the romance building side, especially in terms of dates.

    I hope this week is easier than last week.
  12. MA Journal

    It's stressful. Still haha. But school will be done in 4 weeks... just 4 weeks....

    Didn't sleep well last night because I was in "mom mode" since Baby A woke and then would let out a cry every now and then but fall back asleep...

    I have my forensics final (part 1) today for Crime Scenes. I am the photographer which should be fun though, again it's part of my final... anxious.

    Today for my other class we are going on a field trip so I am anxious about navigating the city...

    Baby A has been SUPER affectionate today holding me, not letting me go, kissing me, holding and huggin me, sitting on my lap, etc. It's so cute!!!!! We are currently playing peek aboo with my laptop where he stands behind it and then squats to hide himself and then stands to reveal himself and he is laughing, He just came over to kiss me. I don't know what's gotten into him today but its' super awesome.
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  13. MA Journal

    Today was okay.... spent lots of time with Baby A... not so much time with work, though got all articles read and scheduled. I still have a million things to do.

    I started my letters to my mom and dad that are the MA hw exercises. I plan to finish them tomorrow.

    got a 100 on my crime scene!

    Next week is spring break... I need to go to the dog park on saturday and then I'll write my paper... and then I have a paper on Son of Sam for forensics that I'll need to get started on.

    Jak and I are busy... like there is literally not enough hours in the day. Between school, work, Baby A we are able to actually have a minute together at 8pm or 9pm and by that time we are both freaking exhausted. We've talked, watched some nice shows, cuddled, etc. and it's been nice, I just hope that when school is done we will have more time because Jak will be coming home earlier and I won't be in the city.
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  14. MA Journal

    Things are good, like I am impressed with the progress I've seen in Beamer_Dreamers (BD) behavior and his mental shift. He has made some very good financial decisions, very good family decisions, and was very selfless. I've never seen him do that. He is admiting his mistakes, owning them, accepting responsability.

    He is still struggling with the 5 C's but honestly, no one is perfect, and all the other changes I am seeing are really making up for that struggle of his.

    Also, I feel honored to be apart of watching him become the person he is becoming. I am in absolute awe. I have seen BD go from a complete unaware addict, hurting everyone including himself, completely numbed out from life, not caring who he hurt to a father, husband, and man who is taking responsibility for his decisions.

    He is still a work in progress (as we all are!) but the progress I am seeing is amazing, and I am falling in love with him - The New Him. I was actually very nervous about who he was going to be when he became healthy. I know I am NOT the person I was when I was in my addictions, I changed, grew, and became better. But I was wondering who would BD be? What would he act like, think like, be like? From what I've seen I am absolutely in awe and in love - as cheesy as that sounds. I feel those love-y feelings, that stuff that you feel in the beginning.

    We've been crazy stressed the apst couple weeks with school, things have been hectic, there were missed moments of connection, missed bids of affection, snippy moods, but through all that we still have figured a way out to be civil, peaceful, and a team through it all.

    I feel like I have a partner.... a real partner by my side. I couldn't be more proud of him right now. I am so glad I stayed by his side through this all. It was hell, it was painful, but it was damn worth it to see the man he is turning into.
  15. MA Journal

    Holy hell I am insanely busy I literally have not a moment in the day to myself. I am falling behind in everything. I can't eat, shower, work efficiently, etc. I literally am trying to keep Baby A entertained all day, deal with temper tantrums while on the phone at times, and just trying to survive....

    I am trying to keep up with MA hw but I am behind, I hope to catch up today. Have more articles to read, approve, get ready. I am just.... failing. I feel like I am just failing in everything right now. I know I am not, but I just feel overwhelmed with all the demands and feeling like I am pulled in all directions.
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  16. MA Journal

    Holy crap Baby A walking is keeping me insanely busy. Talked to a friend today about this new phase and how I am so not transitioning well. Like... I am doing trial and error for now until I figure out what works and what doesn't for him and tantrums and stuff. He usually gives up at 20 minutes.

    Today my goal is to spend time with Baby A, take him for a drive maybe, get some business work done, and some other stuff that might be making us some extra money if it works... so following up with people interetsed in that that way we can get $50 which to many might not seem like a lot but to us it's the difference between getting groceries or not.

    Also Beamer Dreamers boss wants him to have his own tech number and stuff... so in a month when school finishes I believe his boss is going to give Jak this promotion (which I assume comes with a raise) and honestly Jak will be making almost double what he is making now with his summer hours and the possible raise which means saving money and actually being able to not stress about whether we can put gas in the car or get groceries lol
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  17. Things have been good... like super good. I really think the IA program helped us... without it I don't know where we would be as a couple. I think that we are finally rebuilding our relationship and it's amazing to see who we are as a couple when we are without addictions getting in the way. I am really enjoying getting to know him and see how we are as a new couple....
    mcgrim likes this.
  18. Things are still good, just stressful with finals. I read up on presumptive blood tests and the process...I think I'll do okay, also need to study fibers a bit tomorrow. Jak needs to do a lot of work, he is behind in school but trying. He is also still helping out when needed and being empathetic... it's astonishing and nice... it's just so refreshing...
  19. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

    Anna, I haven’t been following you closely for a few months- so I was so pleasantly surprised to see how well you and jak are doing. I am really happy got you.

    You are an extraordinary young woman and I very much admire you. May you and jak and little walking A have all the joy and peace you deserve.

    All the best-
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  20. So it's beamer dreamers bday today and we had a great night out.... and his mom calls and he checks his phone to see he missed her call and he texts her back as we are near the end of the meal,
    "Hey we're at hibachi. We're finishing up."
    She replies, "It's been 159 days since we've spoken. I've tried to reach you and really want to talk to you. I miss you terribly and think of you every day. Please put Anna aside for 5 minutes and call me, please. Love you to the moon and back, Mom"

    "What the hell mom. 'Put Anna aside." What's that supposed to mean. Do you know how incredibly busy and stressed I've been with being aa dad, working full time, school full time and numerous other things? It's been crazy for the past few months. I really don't appreciate you talking about Anna like that. I don't even want to tell her you said that." BD replies

    She texts back, "Your right, but I thought that's why you haven't gotten back to me. Still have the table/chairs for you guys. You okay? Happy Birthday. Wondering if you have time this month for lunch or diy, my treat! Can you Anna and BabyA make a date with me? I'd love it!"

    Holy shit, like Beamer Dreamer was like, "is she really counting days?" and I was so offended, as was he when she said all that.

    I swear I don't know why his parents hate me. I hope that his sister and brother's SO's are getting this amount of heat and hate because my god, why am I getting this "royal treatment" (rolls eyes).... like I get it, he was the successful child, he is the "baby" by a minute (his bro is a twin)... but for fucks sakes stop blaming me and taking it out on me...

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