"As long as you're here with me, I know we'll be okay"

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by AnonymousAnnaXOXO, Oct 8, 2018.

  1. MA Journal

    Jak is sick. 101.5 fever. He sounds and looks horrible. I luckily still had that chicken soup I made so I warmed that up and made pasta to put it in for him. I had what was left. Jak was curious why I was being "so" nice to him because he "doesn't deserve it" and to me, it isn't about that. He is sick, so I will help out, that is just the natural thing to do. He told me how appreciative he was of it and opened up his feelings which was nice... I was so shocked.

    I called my sponsor, they didn't answer. I did my MA homework. It was about the IA friends, which Jak does have some and they are annoying.

    I am feeling quite exhausted and wondering if I am starting to come down with whatever Jak has....
  2. MA Journal
    So I called my sponsor did my pain is a gift homework.

    Jak called on his break and literally said nothing. He called, got in his car and wanted to drive because it was snowing and I was trying to write an article, but put it on pause becuase he called, but he said NOTHING. It was literally silence until I was like, "are you going to talk?" and so I ended up saying, "If you're not going to talk I have things to get done. Call your sponsor and make use of your time"


    If Jak is saying he wants to talk to me but can't talk.... like what the fuck. He called his sponsor he texted but the sponsor didn't answer. Jak clocked back on to work.

    This is just cruel. How could he just call me and not say anything or have anything to say to me?! If he calls you'd assume he wants to talk. This IA stuff is absolutely painful! Fuck me. I am making more chicken broth today for him becuase he is sick.

    Fuck. But remember, my pain is a gift. My pain is supposed to tell me he is in pain and to address his pain. Fucking IA shit. But whatever, cool, I'll just be in pain so Jak can be aware of his pain and get healthy. Yay me and my pain. My pain gets to help Jak. Sorry MA book is fucking painful
  3. to my text to Jak about how he must be in pain and I hope he is okay he says, "I don't know how to start a conversation"


    I don't know how to respond to that at the moment as I am in pain.
  4. mcgrim

    mcgrim Fapstronaut

    This says to me he either thinks too much or not enough. I am leaning more towards the thinks too much so he says nothing because he is over analyzing everything.

    This is not fair to you and I hope he finds away to work around it.
    Kenzi and AnonymousAnnaXOXO like this.
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I don't think he thinks enough... I think maybe because he is numb
    More analysis is needed
    mcgrim and AnonymousAnnaXOXO like this.
  6. I agree. I mean I ask if he thinks about what has happened between us, and he thinks about it in terms of "I have to check in with Anna because of porn addiction" but I don't know if he thinks about it beyond that... like checkins, or not using tech, clearly he thinks about it but I don't know about any further...
    mcgrim likes this.
  7. MA Journal
    Out of my bath. Jak's ben sick - 102 sick. I made chicken broth he had it. He was laying down in bed, hence why I took a bath but he came in a little while ago letting me know he is ready to talk when I get out and that I should go to the guest room to talk to him because he wants to lay down.

    I don't know if me going to him is the right thing... but I guess it's irrelavant because here I am sitting in the basement and he just came down.... okay... interesting...
  8. MA Journal
    Today has been crazy. Jaks home sick. Baby A Sick. I am sick. All of us are sick. Went to docs this morning because Baby A was 103.3 his temp is now much lower which is good. Baby A does not have the flu or strep, so yay!

    MA wise... Jak just called the Vasectomy Doctor to and talked to the receptionist to schedule an appointment to talk about a vasectomy (he figured that would be better since they asked for name, birthday, insurance, etc.). Appointment is next thursday at 9:45am woohoo!! I am going to go with him for moral support. I am so happy that an appointment has been made. I hope Baby A takes a nap cuz Jak and I are both sleepy and would love to nap together.

    So yesterday was busy with business. I had another company call me to see if I am interested in collaborating and I set up a meeting for Saturday but let them know I am sick and might not be able to make it so if not we will have anotehr phone call to discuss.

    I got lots of emails of people wanting to guest post today, replied to them all. I am going to set my email response tomorrow to "out of the office" because I NEED to get my homework done before this sickness takes me... plus I probably should let my coaching clients know I am sick and might need to push off Session 4 until early next week..... I'll see how I am feeling by this evening and if the fever hits, then I'll contact them.

    Business is getting busy in a good way, just it sucks I just got sick. Hopefully my homemade chicken broth, water, and rest do the trick to keep this sickness short.
  9. MA Journal
    So I am annoyed because I've wanted sex since Jan 8th. That was the day I set the whole no sex until Vasectomy thing. I am happy that Jak (finally!) called the doc about the vasectomy. I'll admit it's sad that it took Jak over a month to call. I let him know that it seemed like he didn't want sex with me since he hadn't made the call until today.

    We also talked a lot about the IA and the things he did in the past to get us to where we are now. We talked specifically about the pregnancy and him lying and gaslighting me about my weight and food... Jak admits he was being seflish and knew that if I felt horrible about my body I wouldn't want his touch and sex which means no intimacy, which as an IA is the goal. I also talked about how he has not supported me in my attempts to be healthy adn again, the IAness of if I do love and feel confident about my body I would be jumping Jak for sex (if he was sterile) all the time and thus intimacy.... so if I am not confident and "sick" with my anorexia talk then it's good for him and the avoidance of intimacy.

    Yesterday was the first time he acknowledged what he had done and how huge of a betrayal the pregnancy weight and food stuff was. He didn't try to get out of it, he just owned it and apologized because I told him there is no way he wouldn't know that I'd hate myself and think about self-harm adn suicide regularly. He went to treatment with me, learned about anorexia, and has witnessed me talk about how I would rather kill myself than to ever be anything over 130 lbs. And yes, the anorexia voice is very irrational, but Jak knows... and he knew these things. The thing was I told Jak he needed to tell me about the weight as I went through pregnancy. I would ask every two weeks if I was in the 15-25 lb range of weight gain and he would tell me I am fine and not to worry about it, and gaslight and lie... and I told him that if his argument was that he wanted me to be healthy then he would worry about my health whether it's underweight or overweight. But last night he did own it and apologized.

    So I've been thinking about this... a lot. And I want to make sure I am able to stay on track and be healthy, but clearly Jak is not going to be the person I need for support and accountability. So I need to figure out how to get some accountability and support in my efforts to be healthy because until Jak is healthy with the IA stuff, he won't be able to support me in that way.

    Anyways, I am frustrated. I've wanted sex (really the intimacy that can come with sex) but the fact that it took Jak over a month to even call the doctor.... like what guy in their right mind would Voluntarily choose to not have sex? Jak is attracted to me that is the entire reason he is upstairs because he was always sexually touching me and was way too pressurey the last time we had sex.... and Jak has been doing well with listening to the sexual boundaries, but I just want that intimacy with him so bad. I've been trying not to miss it. I've been trying not to think about the hole it's left.

    We have no emotional intimacy (which has been a no duh for a while)
    Spiritual intimacy not really but yesterday Jak did well with that one
    Sexual intimacy.... we actually talked about how I think Jak has always been withholding regarding sex since our relationship has been. First year me initiating 97% of the time and then as things started to come out, Jak refused to have sex with me, even with lingerie on!!!! Since then I gave up, then Jak went through the flatline and again there was no sex. Then pregnancy we did have sex because we didn't have to worry about sex, then post pregnancy it's been back to no sex, or Jak initiating in immature and very turn-off ways that lead to horrible sex or me saying not in the mood, because in reality who the fuck wants to be used? So I guess I am grieving the fact that Jak is sexually withholding and has our entire relationship....

    Stupid greiving.
  10. MA Journal

    Last night was rough, parent wise. Things started because my mom is looking for a new car, and then it got to my rapes, I broke down, and then I told them everything that's been going on with the books and my marriage. They ended up being supportive...

    Then last night with Jak, when he did the 3 dailies, he shared a memory with me!!!! It was a memory of his "first girlfriend" (I don't consider a 7th grader making out in the back of the bus a real relationship lol) and how he was away at a friends and he was sleeping over and at night he felt he missed her and he quickly pushed that feeling away because "it was stupid" and I was just so excited he shared that. I thought it was so sweet. It really made my day yesterday. We also had some fun (no sex) and it was nice to make out and have fun.

    This separation is making me miss him. I think it's done some good. It's given me the space to breathe and think and it's given Jak the space to realize he needs to get his shit together.

    I called my sponsor and did my homework today.

    Baby A and I are still sick, so I am "out of the office" today if anyone emails me.

    Oh, and it's Valentine's Day, so HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!

    Given our whole family is sick, Jak was like can I pick anything up for you on the way home and before I answered he knew I wanted Panera's Chicken noodle soup, so he said he would grab that and bring it home tonight for dinner since we already went through my chicken broth. That's a very sweet loving gift, especially with me being sick.

    The book is hard, but it's worth it. We are still movign in the right direction. Slowly, but surely
  11. MA journal
    Today was horrible with Baby A being sick and me being sick I was a zombie....

    Jak brought home soup.

    I got in a shower to wash off Baby As drool and snot. Jak and I started arguing about finances and then spirituality stuff came up and he was actually quite good about it... then we talked Valentine's Day.

    He said it's a stupid holiday and yes it is... but it is important to me. I grew up seeing all the other girls getting cards and Rose's in the halls while I was the only one who never got anything on Valentines day.... it was humiliating.

    So when I am in a relationship and its Valentines it means a lot to me because I get to have the thing I missed out on growing up.

    The Valentines day I remember most was with my first bf and he totally outdid me (which was strange for him since I believe he has a lot of IAness in him). He got me a red rose, gave me a hand made card with an inside joke that was so meaningful because we are both writers, and he got me my favorite candy and took me out to a really nice Italian restaurant and we had an amazing evening..... that is the only Valentines day that I can say has been truly everything I could have wanted.

    Jak and I had our first Valentines but it was after one of the discoveries and with his ex still trying to break us up.... and he took his ex to that restaurant and idk ... it was an alright Valentines but it wasnt personal.

    Our Valentines since then hasnt been great. I cant even remember last years since Baby A was only 3 or 4 months old and I doubt we went out.

    I told Jak 2 weeks ago about one of our writers writing an amazingly romantic and creative article that made me and my mom swoon and I joked with "hint hint cheat sheet".... and he never read it. I am giving myself the Valentines I wanted though. A nice bath, book, candle and relaxing. I cant put the towels in the dryer as I wouldn't want to wall around the upstairs naked to grab the towels but I'll still enjoy my time reading and trying to relax. It's been one hell of a day.....

    Jak is talking to his sponsor about his IA relapse I guess in regards to valentines.
  12. MA Journal
    Yesterday I was Dead. So sick my mom stayed home to take care of Baby A. I was a zombie and did nothing but sleep and try to get back to normal functioning.

    Today I feel a lot better, still sick though. I told the person I was going to have the business meeting with that a phone call would be better since I am still sick.

    Jak has been doing his 3 dailies and IA hw from what I can see.

    Today though Jak totally IA relapsed... again.

    Last night he pulled a Safety IA thing.

    Today it's been anger, critisism and blame, and touch...

    Hopefully the day will get better....
  13. MA Journal

    Jaks been driving me up the wall all day. .....

    So much IA behavior.. the anger, critisism, blame, and more anger.

    This evening was.... meh. Jak was all touchy and shit and it bugged the fucking hell out of me. I wanted to scream in his face to keep his hands off of me. I don't want him to touch me! I dont want him to be near me. I just want him to fucking get better. He doesn't get to be angry and critical and blame me and get more angry at me just to turn around a couple hours later with ideas of crate and barrel tomorrow and grocery shopping together and trying to hug me all night.

    Just no. Plus I am super body conscious and really don't want to be touched, which we talked about his IAness with the pregnancy and lying and sex and vasectomy so I really just don't want to be fucking touched. I am angry at him for that and today. I just need some space.

    Like he can't just be huggy and clingy to me after an entire day of IA relapse. It's not how it works. His clingyness and annoyingness are driving me further away, so more IAness...

    GAH this is fucking insanity!!!!
  14. MA Journal
    Last night was nice, we had a date night in... and it was good...

    I also started meal planning. Groceries are expensive, but expensive is worth healthy. At least now when we spend a certain amount it's because we are being healthy, not because it's wasted on junk food.

    I took a pic of myself and sent it to Jak, just a head shot since I know Jak likes pictures of me without filters and make up and he complemented me... and that was nice.

    Jak also said the lunch I made him was really good. That made me feel happy, because hoenstly this fucking prep work is stupid long, so with the new meal plans and prep work I am glad he liked it, and it was all healthy food!!

    I do worry that Jak will go into sugar withdrawal haha the only sugar he is getting is from date night or italian ice 2x per week.

    It's been a busy day. I was food prepping until 12. Had business stuff to do, and finished that, then had to figure out what this new meal plan would cost us in groceries, which... yikes, but, it's all healthy food and I am sure it will adjust as the food plan/needs evolve. We do have the money for it though, it's tighter but it's doable.

    I haven't called my sponsor and I realize it's passed two and I believe this was one of the days she had stated to call before 2... so I feel stupid. I'll text her later and give an update on how hw went.

    I have school homework to get done. I've had oatmeal today, 2.5 glasses of water, and one 12oz coffee with some cinnoman and small slices of unsweetened dark chocolate cocoa. Cutting out sugar is... oh so fun, though this is day three of coffee like that and it's not bad. I think I'm getting used to it.

    Though I feel that becuase of my intake of water (going from 0-1 16 oz glass a day to 3 16oz+ glasses) I am peeing like crazy! I need to make my lunch and relax and then I'll start school hw.... though Baby A just started fussing... so.... yeah.

    Feeling quite exhausted today.
  15. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    I felt compelled to say something about this because I've learned so much about the importance of healthy eating. A lot of people feel compelled to state "It's difficult for me to buy healthy food because it is so damned expensive". "Oh yeah? If you think that's expensive, you should try healthcare costs for the consequences of not buying healthy food. When you weigh the opportunity cost of eating healthy versus not eating healthy, it's pretty much a no brainer."
    Another opportunity cost. Hmmm, sugar withdrawal versus insulin dependency? I'll take the sugar withdrawal.
    It will balance out in ways you can't see. For example, you'll be much less susceptible to illness eating healthy than you would not being healthy.
    Keep it up. You WILL get used to it. "Neuroplasticity" is a wonderful thing.
    I would encourage you to drink the recommended 8 glasses of water a day minimum. That's 64 ounces. You're up to 48 ounces. And the fact you are peeing like crazy! Bless you! That's a good thing.

    I know you got a lot going on. But you are strong and resilient and super woman!
    AnonymousAnnaXOXO likes this.

  16. Thanks, yeah I just... with anorexia, and Jak lying about my weight during pregnancy and sabotaging my weight loss plans.... I figured structure for both of us would be best.

    The only time I remember being healthy with food and not restricting was when my sister and I wrote down the meals for every day of the week and we both ate similar things. So, now Jak and I have a huge calorie need difference (him 3000, me 1640) but I made us each meal plans with our caloric needs with the healthiest of foods and ideally a good balance between foods.

    I know that for me, simply skipping sugar and half n half in my coffee will be huge for me! I usually have 3-4 cups of coffee a day. But new meal plan 1-2 cups with the cinnamon and slice of unsweetened dark cocoa chocolate (my mom gave it to me, she said it was very high quality).

    And yes, healthcare for those who do not take care of themselves... I know. I've been to treatment for anorexia 4x now.... 1k per day is the cost... luckily my insurance covered it each time with a deductible of 1.3k so.... without the health insurance my parents would have had to pay 90k round one, and 30k for the next 3 rounds . Thank god for health insurance and for treatment programs.

    I've learned a lot from my time in treatment and honestly structure was one of the things that always helped me. For me, if I go into the day having no plan for food, I either skip meals or just eat whatever the hell is left over in the house.

    Now, I can just look at my monday meal plan and be like, "Oh cool, supposed to have yogurt and almonds now" lol

    Also I am cutting back on the salt as well. Jak always cooks our food with an INSANE amount of salt, which I think makes me hold lots of water weight. I think by getting more water and having less salt I'll feel much better and less bloated. So far the past two nights Jak has done well to not put anything but garlic powder, basil, and a touch of sea salt on my chicken when he grills it.

    Question about water intake, does my green tea count as water intake? Or is it simply just water? Does coffee count, or soup?

    Plus my goal is to at least walk 30 min a day Minimum.... ideally 45, and work my way up from there. I just simply don't have the time with watching Baby A, doing school hw, and running a business. My goal is to go on the treadmill when Baby A naps or when Jak gets home in the evening (as apparently 6pm is a great time to walk health wise). I also started scheduling pilates back into my calendar that way It's There. In the schedule.

    Toughest things about this change so far:
    - Cutting sugar out of coffee
    - Waking up at 6/7 am to get to pilates on saturday and sunday
    - Remembering to get on the treadmill when Baby A naps
  17. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    Yes, anything that has water counts as water. I drink at least 128 oz a day plus.
  18. @GhostWriter Okay, cool. So with the coffee, tea, and water I've had 12oz, 16 oz, 48oz... so I think I am doing pretty well today
  19. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    In nutrition class ,I learned anything with caffeine counts as half because it's a diuretic
    AnonymousAnnaXOXO likes this.
  20. Okay, so @Kenzi then 6 oz, 8 oz, and 48 oz and I still plan to get another 16 oz water in minimum

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