"As long as you're here with me, I know we'll be okay"

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Queen_Of_Hearts_13, Oct 8, 2018.

  1. Starting a new journal. Things have shifted, and it seems like this shift is here... (hopefully) to stay.

    To know the full story
    First Journal: "Is there a right way for being strong? Feels like I'm doing things all wrong"
    Second Journal: "I still need something to believe in"

    The third journal is named after a song I love, and it's our wedding song. It symbolizes hope, a rebirth for us... I chose those lyrics because Jak is here again, he hasn't left and we've been doing so much better

    The acoustic version was at the wedding

    I like the original as well so I am posting that as well

    So I have been seriously anxious all day... like anxious to the point of not knowing what to do...

    My goal today is to not do work and to relax and maybe that's part of my anxiety... and another part is realizing this shift... and that things are good... they are returning to a good normal.... but I guess I am just annoyed because I am learning how to trust again....

    I've never truly learned how to trust once trust has been broken... and I am starting to trust in a bigger way.... feelings of safety are slowly returning and that is scaring me... my guard, my wall, is slowly coming down.... but that wall was protection for me against all the pain and crap from PA.... so I guess my anxiety is coming from the sheer horribly intense vulnerability I feel these past couple days....
  2. So I filed for an LLC and it got approved, so I need to file for EIN, and do the rest of all that legal shit. The legal stuff is intimidating me, and I am trying to make sure I don't miss anything. I have a list that I am checking off as I go.

    I had a great therapy session yesterday. I felt, I cried, and I was honest with all of my feelings. I was crying and laughing because I was saying, "We haven't even started EMDR and look at me, I am already crying!" because I told her that if we did EMDR I would be a royal mess, crying and stuff... and just the thought of EMDR had me crying.

    So yeah.... maybe I'll be doing EMDR on all the trauma memories.... it will be fucking painful and horrible and I don't want to feel any of it but I know I have to.... healing sucks.

    The business course thing I am taking is great! I got 10 responses to my survey and my target market and idea is right on.

    For the mag, I'll be adding on relationship coaching beginning of November
    Ideal clients:
    Couples that are committed, pre-marital, or recently married (up to 4 years). Also couples that recently became parents could be an ideal client as well.

    Communication, sex, and intimacy and connection (which addresses fears holding one back from connection)

    Packages we are doing next week but I have an idea for packages

    Basic/beginner would be focusing on fears/things holding one back

    Middle package would focus on communication skills (learning each others communication styles, ways to argue in a healthy productive way, learning how to respectfully disagree, etc.)

    Top package would address sex and intimacy/connection

    The idea is that each package builds upon the previous one. How do you achieve intimacy when you have unaddressed fears? And how do you have a healthy vibrant sex life if you can't communicate about sex? So that's the idea... I'll see if that is going to work next week when we work on creating our packages.

    Jak and I are good, I still am feeling all the feelings of love and excitement and anxiety and all that stuff. I think I am really working on forgiveness, and feel like I have started to forgive. I am not bitter, angry and resentful right now. I am more.... sad that it happened, and think I am finally truly for the most part able to separate the addiction from our relationship. Though when I get PTSD attacks that is the time that I don't separate it because I am "back there" when it happened in my mind... so that is why I want to do EMDR.... I hate the flashbacks and PTSD panic attacks... they are debilitating, oh and not to mention the endless nightmares!! I am so sick of the PTSD, it's... honestly so depressing. I feel like if I didn't have the PTSD side of it, or if it was processed fully, I'd be in a much better place.
    Moon Shot, Trappist and mcgrim like this.
  3. Yesterday was the first day I've felt disconnected from Jak, and it's probably because he didn't come home until 7-8. He stayed late to work on my car, which I highly appreciate, I just wish he'd waited to do it next week. This has been a stressful week for me, work-wise and I just wanted us to have a relaxing evening yesterday and connect since we didn't have time on Tuesday because of a work event we went to.

    Also, thank you @Jagliana for posting that video on saving money! I watched it and have completely re-budgeted our finances. I checked her site out and loved a lot of the posts and tips, and Jak almost had a heart attack when I told him how much a week we get for the grocery budget (which includes diapers, baby food/formula, pet food, toiletries, etc.). Honestly, I am a bit scared to. I don't think we can actually do it. I mean she did say if you live in an area like NYC she gets that the food is more expensive. So I want to try out the lowest budget for about two-three weeks to see if it's actually possible, if not I'll add on $25 for each week.

    But with this new budget we should be able to pay off Jaks debt in 2.5 months. I say debt because to me, if there is anything left on a credit card at it's due date (even if there is no interest yet) it's debt in my mind.

    But the idea of Grocery Budget, Family Budget (bills, utilities, etc.), and Other is amazing.

    Although when she was explaining the budgeting video I was confused as to why Babysitter wasn't in the family budget but the other budget.

    Honesty we don't have too much Other budget that I could pin point. It was babysitter, and NYC, and I didn't really know what else.... I don't spend too much and Jak's problem has been overspending on food.

    So... yeah.

    I am a bit nervous, but this weekend we are going to the bank and redoing our accounts. I think the problem that we have been having is we treat our money as separate. His versus mine. Not ours.

    That is a mindset that will be tough to get out of for me because I have that mindset from a protective standpoint, like, "This is mine, in case things go wrong, so I am safe."

    So... yeah. Jak and I will each have a checking account, we will have our Family Checkings account (which we have I just never thought of it as Family... I just thought of it as the joint account) where all our checks will be deposited, then we will have a Family Savings account (which we have), and an Emergency Savings account. That's all for now.

    Then once I get my stuff up and running with EIN I'll do a business bank account and such and move the money over to it.

    Jak has therapy this weekend so I figured after he goes to therapy we can go to the bank to figure it all out.

    And then there are flash flood warnings today so my dad is checking the weather to see how badly the trains might be affected...

    I have hope that Jak and I can turn the financial situation around... it will just take discipline.
    Jagliana likes this.
  4. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I am glad you found them helpful too! and yes it is super scary but definitely something worth a try, when I looked into our finances and how much we have been spending nonchalantly, then sitting in credit card debt and wondering "but, why!?" I was like "ommgggggggg" and "can we really swing this!?" lol but after talking it over with Wade, we really want to try, because it would be such a huge help and relief to finally be out of debt, so we could start saving again. I'm not going to open 7 bank accounts, because I already have 4 (Checking/Savings and one for each of our girls) but what I did, in order to basically force our hands to use that allotted $100 per person/per week and $100 or $50 for other per person/per week, after much research, I downloaded the Movo App, it's free, no fees, it's like a reloadable virtual debit card/cash card, that you can transfer money into. So I opened on account on my phone (my name) for Groceries and then his account will be for others, every week I will transfer the $100 into my card and $50 into his. This way we can just pay with either of those two cards for the week through Samsung Pay, without needing physical cash or our bank cards. I'm hoping this will work like it has for so many others that follow her! I hope it works for you guys too! <3
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  5. @Jagliana I'll have to check out that Movo app sounds great for helping to stick to a budget!
    kropo82 and Jagliana like this.
  6. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    It has been the only free/no fee one I was able to find that allows you to use it as a prepaid/reloadable card without fees, hoping it works :)
  7. It's been a hectic week.

    Forming an LLC and getting all the paperwork done... holy shit. I just... I need someone's help filing the EIN with all the legal jargon on there. So I'll wait for Jak or my dad to be home later to help me fill it out. Employee versus independent contractor (freelancer)... that's something I am doing my due diligence on, it looks like it's IC versus employee given how loose the project is. Then I have to figure out if in my state there is a home permit needed for working... and there might be some other stuff, this was just out of the top of my head what is needed to still do.

    Jak is going to email his business law professor today hopefully and ask about making sure I have everything covered and everything is done correctly.

    So aside from the business stuff, Jak and I have been not that connected this week, neither of us are to blame, more the work hours and getting Baby A to bed left no "US" time. and no, "US" time does not mean sex. It means just simply being able to talk about our day and do our daily check-in sheets, which we haven't done all week with the hecticness.

    Am changing up our money system so everything is more organized.

    Have to read 105 pages for homework today... that is my goal, get that reading done!
  8. Banjaxed

    Banjaxed Fapstronaut

    Hi there - lawyer here

    You know we make all these forms and rules really confusing precisely to intimidate people. Otherwise they’d see how easy it is and we’d be out of a job :p

    Good luck and well done, on everything
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  9. Ok so from what I've researched online, File with state, get EIN, register for taxes and make sure to file on time...

    and Jak and I are doing the check in sheets again and that's helped already. I finished school work. We have a vigil to go to tonight for domestic violence (DV).

    Things are going well, just really busy
  10. So I have actually written out the relationship package on a google doc instead of paper and posted it in my business group.

    Jak and I are... getting back to a good place. It's been strange and off because of our schedules.

    I haven't felt that good past couple days and today I woke up feeling horribly exhausted achy and maybe a bit feverish so I stayed home.

    I want to get more relationship coaching work done, but now all I need to do is get a couple of couples to be my practice clients for free. I want to make sure the program is covering everything it needs to cover, that the length and time is good, and that the individuals are able to actually implement the skills. The skills I'll be teaching are not that hard. Truly, they aren't. It's more of the individual and their own motivation to make the relationship better.

    So yeah, for those in the program that have never had clients that is our homework, to go out and get a client or a couple and offer the program for free (which I already was planning to do and sent an email out yesterday to my email list) so.... it's a waiting game now.
    Moon Shot likes this.
  11. Moon Shot

    Moon Shot Fapstronaut

    I hope you're feeling better now, Anna.Thank you for taking the time, effort, resources and dedication to help couples in recovery move further down the road of healing. Good luck with the program, I hope it helps more couples than are already inspired by you and Jak, I'm happy both of you are getting to a better place. Have a great day!
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  12. Thank you @Moon Shot I hope you have a great day as well! :)
    Moon Shot likes this.
  13. Ever since Oct 9th Jak hasn't been here... I keep trying to be positive and well fucking lie to myself and be okay but I'm not. Clearly I was stupid for thinking this shift was permanent... whatever fucking stupid.
  14. Jak and I talked last night and I was really upset and triggered. He hasn't been here and he has been falling asleep on me the past week (which I have tried my best to handle) but last night I couldn't take it because I had to initiate us doing something, anything of meaning (listened to Esther Perel's podcast) and he couldn't stay awake for it. That was the first recovery oriented thing we have done in three weeks..... You can imagine how hurt I was.

    So we talked.

    This morning I am cleaning up for the cleaners and still sick, and find the receipt to CVS where Jak bought me one item that was needed, that I asked him to grab on his way home. I look at the reciept to see he bought a drink, an iced tea for himself, and I see the half drankedn iced tea on the table. I know it's something small, costs .99 cents.... but its much bigger.

    We agreed on a budget and all this other stuff. I worked an entire day going through our money, the debt he caused, and how to fix it all by december and save over 5k by our 4 year anniversary (june 6th). I rock if I do say so myself. But.... we only get to the goal if we stick to the plan!

    One of Jaks biggest things aside form porn and cars, is the money thing. He wrecklessly and selfishly spends money on things that are sooooooooo menial. He likes his drinks and comforts. Well TOUGH LUCK. You got us 3k deep, you give up your little daily comforts until things are paid off.

    I said for him to pick up 1 thing, that is it. He didn't even ask! He just decided. It's as if he were living like he were single and not in 3k debt. NOT OKAY.

    I literally just divided all my savings up and opened up a savings account for us and put MY savings across all our accounts to meet the minimum the other week. Technically every cent in the bank is mine because he literally has nothing. It's infuriating. he makes 3x what I make and yet he can't figure out how to save or spend wisely.

    In my eyes yesterday he snunk and lied and betrayed because he did that. He did not ask (why? Because he knew the answer would be no). He did something he knew he shouldn't do and he did it anyways. That behavior is the problem. It shows me he still is willing to hurt me to be selfish and get what he wants and that is NOT OKAY after almost 2.5 years. No. Not okay. And I don't think he gets why this is such a problem.
  15. I reset my counter which is supposed to keep track of our relationship healing
  16. So. Had first walk in alone today. Cool. Had therapy. Sad/frustrated. called Jak a leech and a child because that is what it feels like when he is "addict" jak rather than unicorn jak.

    Drunk currently. Sad. Not sure what to do. Life is... overwhelming right now. School, Intern, my blog, Jak, Baby A,.... and more. I just want a club environment... loud music, drinks, and dancing..... god I miss that. I just want to dance and have fun.

    Life is all about work and making money.... I just want to relax every once in a while. And when I was dancing, singing and shit... Jak just watched me and then surprised me. I didn't know he was there. That was suposed to me MY moment, my time, my escape. My time. I just miss dancing. I used to dance.... originally ballet 5 years, then irish step dance, then hip hop..... I fucking miss dancing. I want to dance again....
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  17. whoami33

    whoami33 Fapstronaut

    I was wondering, wether you do think about your own mistakes regularly too or not ?
    Because this can also in you two’s life and to have better understanding of each other.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  18. Yeah I think about my mistakes I think about the person I used to be and that's why I am who I am today. I am dedicated to helping other people, I am dedicated to being the best version of myself and continually following my passions and goals.

    The thing is I actually face my past I face my mistakes and they make me better for it.

    Jak still is not wanting to face his mistakes and the harm he has caused.... it's getting ridiculous at this point.

    In therapy yesterday I talked about how devastated I've been because Jak Was Here.... for TWO weeks, that's like a record! But then he left.... and I was crushed. I was starting to trust and move forward. And then he left and trust was gone and he wasnt my teammate but rather the enemy again.

    How many times can you give a person the answers to fix everything and they dont do it?

    By the end of therapy I realized just how detrimental this was. Him being here and then leaving. And when I broke down last night Jak seemed to get it, he said, "this must be as bad as when you thought I was a great guy and then found out I was lying and cheating and betraying"....

    So he made the connection that this time round I was trusting him, and we were making progress, and honestly there was some nice new normalcy with it... and I thought This Is It, it's our new start he is here and wanting to face and heal what he damaged. And then no warning he is gone. Pulled the rug right out from my feet.

    This time round if he is back or comes back I told him it will be 10 times harder to trust that he is here to stay... I dont know if he ever will be here to stay and that scares me....
    whoami33 likes this.
  19. Jak and I have had good days together the past 2 days, it's been nice.

    I also started Pilates yesterday. Goal is to go 3x minimum per week. I honestly loved it! I didn't even feel like it was exercise. To me exercise is painful, not fun, boring, and challenging to the point where you feel defeated and crappy about yourself. But yesterday I felt happy, confident, and strong. I really like it a lot! My mom is paying for it for me as a Christmas present. I am so happy about it!

    My business is set up did all the legal stuff, just have to write freelancer contracts today and send them out to the freelancers. Coaching is all set up, just needing beta testers...

    Things are looking up
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  20. I dont have much time to post but... I just ... I'm exhausted of this.

    Jak and I are so different and there are great things about our differences and then there are other things that absolutely infuriate me.

    Like last night he didnt introduce me to anyone at the coworker party at BMW but introduced Baby A to everyone and when I said something about not introducing me he then the next time said this is Anna ... not this is My Wife Anna. It was hurtful but whatever.

    And tonight, Halloween, my favorite day in the year has been not great.... internet phone and TV all craped out this morning spent time talking with Optimum to no solution and had homework and crap and I have pilates to get to in 30 minutes.

    Jak gets home.... and he asks for a fucking helicopter drone to play with at work with coworkers to see who can knock the other out of the air during lunch break.......

    Jak is 25, ruined his relationship marriage, got 3k to pay off, and a dad.... and he is asking about playing with toys at work....

    I am sorry but I am Type A. I am responsible, exceptionally driven, an adult, and know social cues and expectations, and I am respectful.

    My mom always comments on how she wanted me to marry someone else... more mature, financially stable, in their career etc. And I've always hated her commenting on it....

    But I want an Equal Partner... not another child in the house. I want A Real Man.
    Men decide
    Men are assertive
    Men are responsible
    Men are respectful
    Men act like adults
    Men are intelligent
    Men treat women well and Do Not view them as objects
    Men have careers
    Men have ambition and drive
    Men take care of their families

    whoami33 likes this.

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