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Anyone with gross taboos and longterm sobriety have an answer for me?

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by MasterRoshi, Jun 16, 2018.

  1. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    (Curious about longtime sobriety people who also watch loads of taboo porn and can tell me how this mental lust thing changes over time — or doesn’t change...)

    Hi I have been going to therapy for 2 months, and attending SAA 12 steps regularly and working the steps. I’m on step 4, fears list.

    I have been using porn and masturbation for 22 years as a security blanket for all my life problems. This is the first time I’ve ever been sober this long. As I write this I have 84 days sober.

    The problem is I have the mental lust still. It isn’t as bad as before but it’s still there. I have looked at every type of porn imaginable and orgasmed to every kind. Some of the more kinky, fetish, taboo (use your imagination) stuff was a regular go to for me...

    because of this i seem to have these mental images that still associate a certain person, place or thing with sex and even if I don’t get aroused (although often times my mind does get sexually excited) I still have the connection in my brain between sex and the thing I’m looking at. It’s like I can’t unsee what I’ve seen and my brain can’t unlearn that connection between the two..

    I’m a recovered drug addict with 13 years sober. I can’t really remember the feeling of cocaine, but I can still taste it sometimes and remember that it produced a euphoric feeling. So there’s inherently some nostalgia attached the memory even all these years later.

    I’m worried that this sexual connection to the kinky/fetish/taboo stuff won’t ever leave my brain and for the rest of my life I’ll have that connection between someone who reminds me of a taboo fetish and sex. Like I can’t unlearn what I learned. 1+1=2 and I’ll never be able to unlearn that.

    Do you have any advice or articles written discussing this topic?
     
    spaces likes this.
  2. Steve K.

    Steve K. Fapstronaut

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    Congratulations on staying clean! I’m a recovering alcoholic, and have a pretty avid foot fetish, have my entire life. That fetish was all I cared about, beat off to, the type of porn I watched, and before NoFap it was only getting weirder & kinkier & almost embarrassing that my fetish was getting so specific. BUT From my experience, I will say that as time has gone by, I’m much more interested in conventional sexual stuff. Still have a foot fetish, still consider it my favorite thing with women, but my weird kinky hang ups have gone away for the most part. I used to only be aroused by women’s feet, and oddly skecific things involving feet, but now I’m also aroused by stuff like breasts, ass, etc... Don’t know if that helped? But from my experience it gets better with time
     
    Jwill55 likes this.
  3. PornFreeMe

    PornFreeMe Fapstronaut

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    It'll always be there. Once an addict, always an addict. Do not forget this. You get stronger and more able to deal with it, to say no. You will always be an addict. Never let your guard down, if you can, it'll come roaring back.
     
  4. Wounds can be healed. Our inner can be changed, really changed.
    Our habits can be changed.
    I agree with you that we always will have our weak parts of our spirits, but I believe with all my heart that we all can grow to a healthy life.
    I was involved in all kind of porn, sissy stuff, trans stuff, feminization femdom.
    If I see how enormously I've changed the last year. The pull is much less, the number of times I really want to watch is strongly decreased. Yes there is hope. Lots of hope.
     
    Hitto likes this.
  5. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    Thanks!

    Curious, if you see a whip, some latex or leather or a confident/sting girl in high heels, does this make you think about and/or crave anything?

    Or what about if you end up in Victoria secret and see cute panties??? Does this trigger you wanting to be feminized???

    My poisons are different than yours (well I’ve definitely participated in femdom but it’s not my main poison), but I still find that even though my urges are less when I see something/someone that fits my kink, I still have the thoughts of sex, or at the very least they remind me of the porn I’ve seen and there’s an association between them and my sexual past. Not always a sexual desire but just a link to those memories.

    Does this accociation go away? Like for example, will you be able to shop in Victoria secrets without even once thinking about how you use to be into femdom and sissy stuff? Or will that memory always be attached?

    I’m worried because I want to be able to see specific people and not have them remind me of stuff I’ve seen. And just see them for who they are rather than a trigger into my memories of sickness.

    Does this make sense??? It’s hard to explain without using details...
     
  6. Fallensoldier1

    Fallensoldier1 Fapstronaut

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    I’m not as far in my recovery as you. But I still think about it a lot when I see certain women doing certain activities in public. I start to think about what I’ve seen. Or what I could do to see what I want.
     
  7. Mitness

    Mitness Fapstronaut

    Congrats that you have come this far. As a long time porn user and addict to all kinds of alcohol and drugs, i can honestly say, your mental lust will decrease. I have done a monk reboot of 123 days and porn is more a like out of my system. I still like it, but i dont watch it and fantasize about it when i'm masturbating.

    Especially during the time i used amphetamine and pmo I was looking for such perverted things that in the end I believed I was a terrible man. After i quit using drugs it was still extreme and therefore i still believed i was terrible.

    Now, after the reboot, i am finally starting to get a normal taste again. I came to the conclusion that my tast in woman is pretty average actually.

    I, for instance, watched a lot porn which you can consider far beyond normal for me. Also gay porn. Gay hardcore porn. I even had a lot of sex with guys.. A lot.

    Now, after quitting my addiction, i have a more vanilla tast and i realized i'm straight actually haha.

    So do the complete reboot, get sober and then, after that, you can define what's normal for you!
     

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