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Anxiety to talk to women...

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by AM_1013, Feb 16, 2017.

  1. AM_1013

    AM_1013 Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys... so I'm a 20 yr old single chirstian dude with no relationship experience whatsoever... Ill be honest I'm not the most attractive dude by the worlds standards. (5'4'' filipino american dude without the Apollo physique that i want and am working towards) Ive been starting to hit the gym more so i can be in shape for my 21st before i gain a beer belly again and to help me stay on track with NoFap again as i relapsed recently... (badly)
    Now to the real part of the post....
    I get super anxious when i even see a hot chick. like I say to myself I want to talk to her and even say hi but all i do is sit there stare at her butt for a bit and then go on my way with my day... I might smile at her but thats about it. don't start a convo, ask her name, what she's into, or say hi at the gym. I just sit there...
    I want to be more outgoing and more willing to see that hot chick at the gym and be willing to talk to her and stand out in the crowd of dudes just staring at her ass and not doing anything.... I want to be different and be willing to go and 'get it' so to speak but in a more modest and christianly way. not bagging on anyone about 'getting girls' but thats just not my style. I want to get in a relationship and the goal of it is marriage to me. How can i start to break up my shell and get more outgoing to women in general is my main question. Idk i felt like cracking that door open about my insecurities and what i want in a relationship but i felt it needed to be said sorry if not applicable to anything. keep it up guys and fight PMO for a better you. the end lol.
     
  2. staub

    staub Fapstronaut

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    Ah the daily struggle I'm currently fighting without knowing where to.
    But I'm 29. -__-

    Strangely though, this is where I had huge benefits from nofap (noPMO hardmode).
    Not sure how long you managed until your relapse, but for me it was around the 30 day mark that I felt the anxiety is gone. I still don't know what to say but I have no problem saying something.
    For example, there was a cute girl helping out at the place I work at the gate (incredibly boring job). When I finished early, without hinking much I said I could give her some company if she wanted, which she did. Had a nice talk for almost an hour.

    I'm reading a lot of books on the topic as well, just finished "no more Mister Nice Guy" and about 40% through "Models". Both where recommended here in some place.
    As far as I can say, they contain a lot of helpful advice, models going as far as often ranting about the PickUp-Community, which I agree with.
    So, from what you say I'd say try and read "Models" by Mark Manson.
    While saying little new the others don't say, he has a very nice approach to changing yourself into becoming a better (hu)man. Not just another chick-terminating player.

    Apart from that, don't give up.
     
  3. MemphisGuy

    MemphisGuy Fapstronaut

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    Believe
     
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  4. MemphisGuy

    MemphisGuy Fapstronaut

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    Believe me once you finally stop fapping you will gain tons of confidence I know it's hard to do but it can be done I hope you get through this bro!
     
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  5. AM_1013

    AM_1013 Fapstronaut

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    thanks for the book suggestions ill give that a try soon... thinking of buying an amazon fire soon so that will be a good place to start
     
  6. staub

    staub Fapstronaut

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    I'm reading it on a tablet as well. I was always reading books but reading them "digitally" is not only handy, but you have them the minute you buy them, which is nice. :)
     
  7. Namekian23

    Namekian23 Fapstronaut

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    We've all been there
     
  8. I hope you realise this applies to 90% of the male population. No dude ever approaches that hot chick in the gym. I'm petrified to do so and so is every one else. When was the last time you saw a guy approach a hot stranger? Never, right? Because it doesn't happen anymore. The world is anxiety ridden and anti social.
     
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  9. I Free I

    I Free I Guest

    Be you and do what you feel is in your heart, no matter the outcome .

    You don't want to live the rest of your life with regrets and having the thoughts of "what if ?" . might be cliche but it's the truth . I know this from experience ... It's never too late .
     
    vibemaker likes this.
  10. JustinX

    JustinX Fapstronaut

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    Yes I would also suggest that. His concept of showing vulnerability is total genius and powerful and not other author has ever mentioned it as far as I know. You cant go wrong with that book. If you want private message me your email and I will send you pdf of the book.
     
  11. vibemaker

    vibemaker Fapstronaut

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    My Journal
    Yeah, i can also recommend 'Models'. It's not just great for 'getting girls'. It gives a lot of great tips in general. My perception of everything changed a lot during i read it.

    And your anxiety will drop the longer you're on NoFap. I was always very overthinking, shy and anxious around girls during my porn days. You'll just go with the flow. Sometimes I'm still a bit anxious, but it's like far in the background and not overwhelming anymore. So stay strong and you'll see what I mean.
     
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  12. SyrusDrake

    SyrusDrake Fapstronaut

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    Same here, I could never just approach a random girl in public. I wouldn't even dare talking to a girl sitting alone in a lecture at university.
    I had hoped that noFap would help with that anxiety, as it allegedly does. But so far, it has done nothing for me. I think mostly because my anxiety is only partially irrational fear and mostly rational desire not to make girls feel uncomfortable or come across as a potential predator.

    Also: It baffles me how many people constantly recommend Models. I had to stop reading after about 30 pages because it was just too...disgustingly misogynistic.
     
  13. ReallyGreatPizza

    ReallyGreatPizza Fapstronaut

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    Check out "No More Mr. Nice Guy", (google for a pdf) I battle a lot of those fears, including fear of making women uncomfortable. Despite seeming rational, I promise that it's not. Women like to talk, in fact they LOVE to talk. If you take a genuine interest in who a girl is they're more than likely going to enjoy interacting with you. If you're constantly getting tripped up in what she thinks about you, you're not going to project the vibe of someone who's interested in her, you're going to come across as the guy who's doing everything he can to make himself seem interesting. Did you that 96% of women don't think they're beautiful (Dove survey/study)? Don't you think a guy who comes up and takes a genuine interest in who she is going to boost her confidence and make her feel better about herself? Don't let yourself get in the way of yourself, and don't be ashamed of your needs! Men need intimacy and deep personal connections just like women, don't shy away from those needs because you're afraid of making someone uncomfortable.
     
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  14. AM_1013

    AM_1013 Fapstronaut

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    Hey all!!! Haven't checked in on this for a while but i read all of your responses and want to say thanks for the encouragement!!! Ive decided to get into the 'online dating world' and trying to get out there.... maybe this is the wrong way to combat my anxiety but I'm very open to it and excited to start on this journey to find a relationship.
     
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  15. SyrusDrake

    SyrusDrake Fapstronaut

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    I got that book a while ago and have intended to start reading it almost every day recently but I've been just too lazy and have other, university-related stuff to read as well. But I really want to read it.
    I am aware that most women like to talk and like it if someone shows interest in them but I still think it matters WHO is showing interest in them. I'm still convinced they'd have to be at least not repulsed by the other person for it to be enjoyable to them. Either way, I'll make sure to read that book soon.

    I tried online dating for a while, with no success. Deleted the apps from my phone again because it just...didn't feel right. I hope you'll have more luck.
     
  16. ReallyGreatPizza

    ReallyGreatPizza Fapstronaut

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    Some women, sure. But I promise for every vain woman who will only date ripped guys that are 6'4" and make six figures, there are three equally attractive women who don't really care so much about looks, or wealth (though maybe one or two of those other girls would still prefer if you were taller :p). I'm sure you've seen plenty of unattractive men with attractive women, and most of them probably weren't wearing three pieces suits and a Rolex. Don't be too harsh on yourself man, you seem like you've got a good head on your shoulders with a lot going on in your life. And if you're in college you've got more than ample time to getting around to improving your confidence and interactions with women, just remember that both a skill and can be learned. Oh and with No More Mr. Nice Guy it's actually really easy to pick up and just get through 5-10 pages at a time. They do a good job of giving you a lot of tasks to help adjust your behaviors and outlook. So whenever you get a little gap in studies get through a few pages and just set aside a little bit of time to work on personal development.
     
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  17. SyrusDrake

    SyrusDrake Fapstronaut

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    I started reading it earlier today and got pretty far in. It's not the most difficult book to read...
    And yea, I certainly do get to interact with girls a lot at uni. And as long as it's on a friendly basis, it seems to be well received, actually. I just never initiate it and never make it intimate in any way.
     
  18. LoyalKnight

    LoyalKnight Fapstronaut

    It is normal that you get super-anxious when talking to woman. About me, personally: I have read so many threads, watched so many videos, asked for help like a million times and none did help me. I got sick of the "just go and talk to her". It never worked, I left the house with the intention of talking to the lasses, but never did it. It will develop with time, now I never tell myself to do something like that. It will just create pressure on ourselves which we won't need.

    It may sound weird, but if you keep yourself disciplined it will SLOWLY develop with time. Slowly. Do not go into NoFap and expecting things to work out better.

    At one point, you will acknowledge the development. It will be slow though, but it will be there!
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2017
  19. staub

    staub Fapstronaut

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    Very true. The whole "just talk to her" mentality is far too simplified to work "just like that".
    However, it is true that you havve to talk to women in order to get better. But start small. The process is very long and tedious.
    The whole PuA thing with talking to 100+ women a day with weirdest lines and stuff, that only makes you unconfortable, and this would further decrease your learning experience.

    The small thing is kinda hart, however. For me it was doable since I'm often at university and in most of my classes there were some girls at least.
    "Out on the street" this is something that I'd have a hard time imagining myself doing. Women like to talk. So whenever the possibility arises, just say a few words. Waiting for a bus or train could be a place.
    You can think about a few topics in advance (I was given that advice, thanks PositiveChange1974) but don't sweat it too much.

    No more Mister Nice Guy is probably not even the best book at this point. It's a good book and a must read.
    I read and finished it, and almost imediately started Models. Maybe that one would be better. It explains in a nice way (even referencing No more mister nice guy at some point) how "nice guys" can still be successfull with women. At least that is it's goal.
    But not in the mindless PuA act but rather in a way that sounds and feels natural.
     

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