Annoyed by GF for not letting me be self-destructive

My GF of 5 years is on vacation for 3 days now and I`ve realized how much she impacts my every day life. I consider everything that`s good for me a chore; brushing my teeth, showering, cleaning, taking out the trash, eat healthy, sitting upright and avoid slouching in the couch. She`s been gone for 30 hours and the apartment looks like a mess, I`ve been napping after school, spent the entire day slouching in the sofa playing a stupid game on my phone (I even spent money on it), PMOing, eating junk-food and skipped brushing my teeth this morning.

Then it struck me that this is how most of my life has been before my current relationship; always rushing to the computer after school/work (like every second mattered), looking forward to eating junk-food later in the evening (unhealthy food makes me "high" and brings me joy), napping, gaming/spending time on the computer the entire evening and only getting a couple of hours of sleep before work/school and my apartment was always messy. I`ve also always had an addiction that involves money (gambling, stock market, etc).
I don`t know if this is a dopamin addiction or what it is, but it`s definitely what I find most comfortable. I know every single one of these habits are bad for me, at least "to much" of it, but I keep doing them.

Then I think of most of the times I get annoyed by my GF and it is because she keeps me from being destructive and doing all these things. If I want junk-food (which I always do) and she suggests that we eat something healthy I will get annoyed and let down (without telling her about it ofc). The same thing about cleaning the apartment, even to the extent where I will get angry with her for cleaning the apartment even though she doesn`t ask me to help her.

Luckily we spend almost every day together so it`s not often I`m able to go on like this. I still find it scary how I`m avoiding all discomfort, even as a grown man, and being OK with how I let everything go. I also can`t understand how childish I act and how I refuse to "accept" being a grown man.

 

Thanks for the replies!
I just find it fascinating how this is affecting me, even at this age. I think this has a lot to do with me not feeling good enough and inferior to others my age- I basically feel like a child compared to them. I used to think I was normal, but suddenly I was overwhelmed by how more assertive, professional and grown up people my own age was and acted. I went from feeling normal to useless in matter of months.
My biggest discovery is that I am the problem, not everyone else, and that the way I was raised plays a big part in it. I don't mind feeling "useless" as long as I know why I do it. I'm in my thirties and often feel and act like a child, but at the same time I hate when people don't treat me like a grown up.

 

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