angry & lonely (may contain triggers)

Tough love. Amen!

 

Try to keep your cool. I remember my bf was crying and freaking out cause he thought I would leave him. I just was firm and to the point and had concrete proof so he calmed down and since then communication has been free flowing. He knows he can tell me just about any f'ed up thing and I'm not going to freak out.
It's not your fault remember that.

 

you see...he dont respect you enough to love you , he loves porn more than you..
Just ask him, what he loves more...you or the porn and then you will understand which way you have to go from there...

move out and say "go jerk your life away..." before walking out of that door if he FIGHTS FOR PORN..! you cannot support him for his bad habits .
Dont' you deserve love , trust, respect in your relationship?
i think you do, everyone does. thats why we talk to each other and share stuff not sit in front of a screen and jerk off.

watch the movie 'Don John' its got the same kinda stuff your husband is going through.
Above all, move out if he chooses porn. nothing will make him want you back as the thought of you being with some other guy. Its called tough love..!!
all the best.
sky x.

 

you see...he dont respect you enough to love you , he loves porn more than you..
Just ask him, what he loves more...you or the porn and then you will understand which way you have to go from there...

move out and say "go jerk your life away..." before walking out of that door if he FIGHTS FOR PORN..! you cannot support him for his bad habits .
Dont' you deserve love , trust, respect in your relationship?
i think you do, everyone does. thats why we talk to each other and share stuff not sit in front of a screen and jerk off.

watch the movie 'Don John' its got the same kinda stuff your husband is going through.
Above all, move out if he chooses porn. nothing will make him want you back as the thought of you being with some other guy. Its called tough love..!!
all the best.
sky x.

 

He's made himself quite clear. He's not interested in quitting porn.

Now you need to be clear. Are you willing to continue to live with him if he continues using porn? That is, are you prepared to stay with him if nothing changes?

If the answer is yes, then this is just a matter of finding a way to live with it. I'm not sure how you could do that, but it is an option.

If the answer is no, you need to tell him to make a choice: You or porn. Seems safe to say he'll choose porn, at least for now. Then you need to leave and stay gone until he's prepared to choose you over porn, and to do whatever is necessary to prove to you that he means it.

If you're not willing to do that, then nothing's going to change. You have been as reasonable and patient as anyone could possibly be under the circumstances. Now you need to make a choice.

Honestly, from what you've written, it sounds to me like you'd be much better off without him. You keep saying he's a great guy, but that sounds more like wishful thinking than anything else. He sounds mean and abusive. That may be the addiction talking, but still. Get out of there, get some counseling, get yourself right and then go meet someone who will treat you right. You're only 32. You can start over. It's not too late.

 

Hello @LostAtSea
What a shitty situation.
I saw that you have not come across a partner's story as yet where the addict has not made attempts to change. In all the stories I've read, the partners have given strong ultimatums, and then the partners have hit rock bottom and done something. At the moment, your partner is living the life he wants. He has a partner who is there for him, and he has his porn to love as much as he wants. He is very comfortable in this situation. It is ripping you apart but his self-centered narcissistic porn brain is either preventing him from seeing it or making him not care. You bringing it up the porn is disturbing his perfect world and may be part of why he is lashing out, he is scared to lose his "drug" and this great situation he has going.
I've been there. I've been so lonely. I Too tried everything to get my husband to show me some intimacy - the lingerie, the promise of things that will curl their toes, etc. I now know it was not only the sex that was missing, it was also the real connection. The sex is just easier to identify. You want a partner, someone to share your life with but you can't have that if they are hiding half of themselves away from you and giving it to their mistress, porn.
Sorry for the tough post. I wish I could write something much more uplifting and hopeful. Until he realizes he has an issue and takes the steps to do something then you are stuck in this situation. Your only choices are to continue to live like this, or to give him a big dose of tough love and give boundaries and consequences.
There is a book for partners of sex addicts that I found really helpful. I did a book review recently. http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.ph...e-by-barbara-steffens-and-marsha-means.53496/
Take care
X

 

As i read these posts from all the super sweet women who keep investing in the men they happen to have fallen for i keep thinking: "aren't you ladies worth more than this???"
I would never dream of treating my woman like that, addicted or not, i'd try and communicate and do something about it.

You girls need to question yourselves: if it was YOU who had a problem which kept you from emotionally and sexually engaging in the relationship, would your guy have sticked with you? I don't think you'd like the honest answer to that...

Men need to stop being slaves to their own whims and habits and think that the world evolves around them. The first good step is that the women stop the endless enabling and believing...
I'm not judging or anything but reading something like "i'd be happy to at least help him masturbate so i could be part of it" that makes me incredibly sad and ashamed to be a man

 

Wow. I'm reading your posts and each and every one I'm saying, "SAME! My husband said and did the EXACT same things. The same arguments, same accusations, same claims, same lies!!!"

I need to keep reading your posts because what I'm NOT understanding is what he does for you or adds to your life that is making you stay for all those sexless years. ??? I will keep reading.....

 

You're correct. There is a wedge. There is a silent mistress that he loves more than life itself. More than love. More than trust. More than you. That mistress demands nothing. Makes him work for nothing. That mistress is always happy to see him no matter how degraded a human being he has become. That mistress doesn't want him to become a better person. Demands nothing. And has no soul to crush.

Have you watched any of the NoFap videos explaining the dopamine rushes that porn induces? The science behind it is pretty mind blowing.

If he doesn't want to change, why do you stay?

 

This man is in a black hole of denial. He is fighting with everything he's got to keep the addiction going. Many of us recovering addicts have done similar things when confronted by our significant other. We will do and say anything to keep things from changing. I have used some of the same arguments in the past. It's a defense mechanism. He's hoping you'll just go away and leave him alone. He's obviously not ready to change. Many of us have had to hit rock bottom before we see the light and start climbing out of our black hole of denial.

Understand, he's the one with the problem and it's his responsibility to get help. Earlier you posted how he's trying to compensate in other parts of your relationship. That's might make you feel good for a little while, but you cannot ignore the elephant in the room forever. His porn addiction cannot be kept in a box and not affect you. He cannot have his cake and eat it too. He has intentionally blinded himself to the consequences of his actions. As he escalates the problems will get worse and whatever crumbs he gives you will not keep you happy and satisfied.

We often use porn to self-medicate ourselves. Sometimes we have poor coping skills when dealing with stress. Sometimes we use it to escape our current situation. By no means does this excuse the behavior. But this is part of the reason this addiction is so hard to beat.

Understand this too, you are not the problem. Don't believe his lies! You have every right to be hurt and angry. I was made to see the light and want to fight to get out of my black hole of denial. Only until my wife gave me an ultimatum did I start to do some serious thinking about my addiction. Recovery is possible, but only if the person wants to change.

The big question then is 'How do I get him to want to change?' That's the million dollar question. All we have are suggestions and stories about what worked in our cases. Maybe some of the wives here will have better advice. One powerful tool is to threaten to leave. But be prepared to actually leave or he'll see through it. I know you don't want to leave and we don't want you to break up. But often it takes extreme circumstances to break through his clouded thinking. A logical, reasonable person wouldn't allow this to go on. But we (the addicts) are not thinking clearly.

I hope this helps. You have a whole bunch of people here to help... or to simply give you a shoulder to cry on.

 

Your posts aren't too long. You aren't the only one experiencing the low/no self esteem that results from a partner who doesn't see you or support you. Doesn't compliment you. Doesn't make you feel valued. Or cherished. You are in good company here. A lot of us have been living your life.

And it SUCKS.

 

You summed it up so perfectly right there. That is exactly right. One of those 'drop the mic' and walk away statements.

 

Good for you though for trying to talk to him reasonably with reference materials and not just emotion. You are clearly a really strong, loving person to keep trying. You get definite kudos for that, especially with his negativity and mean responses.

 

@LostAtSea


Ive read through your posts. The way I think I understand it is that you don't want to leave him and also every time you try to talk to him about it he blows up at you.

I can only think of a couple of ways that may work to help him and you.
As you can't talk to him directly maybe you could do it differently. Say nothing at all about it but do things,..., like leave a link to nofap open on his computer to read, or leave one of 'yourbrainonporn' videos if he doesn't read. Print off an article and leave it about the house for him to look at. Again as youve said can't talk to him, this may well at least spark his interest without getting into confrontation. This may not be easy for you and may take time but it is something you can keep doing if your not going to leave him and he is not talking to you.

The other way maybe is as others have said force the issue, yell scream, make him hit rock bottom. Threaten to leave etc. Maybe only then will he listen....

I hope maybe if your getting nowhere trying to engage him indirectly at least you can keep trying to educate him indirectly. You clearly see he is as you say 'a good man' etc and you love him and you are not willing to leave him. I respect that and so should others on this forum. That is your choice, a choice that many others may not be able to make but still it's your choice.

Keep us posted.

 

You raise some very good points @darklink
Yes, we are worth more than this. No question. This is why most of us have given our partners ultimatums. For them to stay with us, they need to step up and be the men we deserve.
Why we stick around? Well, that varies from person to person. For me it is that I see what a wonderful person my husband is, we do get on extremely well, we have kids in the equation to complicate things a million times more and not everything is bad. That is half the problem, if it was all bad, we'd all have left long ago. It is not a black and white issue, it is complicated. It is an abuse cycle, where there are bad times, which are then followed by the kindness that sucks you in and keeps you there. The good thing is that we are breaking this cycle and with the ultimatums will be out of this one way or another.
The other point to remember is that not every woman is an enabler. Some are unaware of the issue (it is very hard to get evidence). Some feel trapped through their circumstances or through years of gaslighting and emotional abuse. After years of being blamed and the withering away of your self-esteem, it is difficult to step back. There are a host of reasons, but none are the fault of the partners. We need support in whatever way we can get it, not to be blamed (not that I am saying you are blaming the partners). We get enough blame from our addict husbands. Much of the thinking about partners has changed over the last 5 years, and it is recognized that partners may have relational trauma, or even PTSD, and not be co-addicts as once believed. The important point to remember is the partners are here, they are here to do something, to improve their lives and change the hell they are living in.
As for your bit about if the shoe was on the other foot, it's hard to say. I'd like to think that my husband would have stuck by me, but I'm not sure. I'll never know. I hope I never have to know!
The self-entitled and selfish attitudes that come with the addiction are difficult to break. Learning to evolve this thinking towards being empathic and mindful of others takes time and is something that will develop as recovery progresses. I do see small changes in my husband in this way, but we still have a bit to go.
you show great amounts of empathy in your post. Thank you!

 

You don't have to yell and scream to get the message across.
He's 30 years old. Leaving bread crumb hints of open web pages about porn addiction? I dunno... I just speak my mind. Life's too short for games.