An open letter of apology to those I’ve used for my own personal gratification.

Thanks for reading, replying and taking my experience to heart, @guy_376. The timing of your reply is actually uncanny as I was thinking of this post earlier today, realizing there is one group of people I did not include in my list of apologies. That this is the case is somewhat telling; I believe it reflects the deep belief that my attitudes and behaviours here were in the range of normal (whatever that means)...

I apologize to all the real life girls and women who have been my sexual partners since the age of thirteen. I apologize for not seeing your personhood, and for steamrolling over your needs and wants and boundaries in order to fulfill my own ravenous and dysfunctional desire. For not stopping, for not listening, for not really caring, truth be told. And for withdrawing immediately afterward because there was so little personal connection between us (at least, so little for me) and because sex - in any form and to any degree - is, of course, a matter of shame, guilt and embarrassment.

 

This is a great letter. It takes courage to say something like this in a public forum. I can echo so many of your words here for everything I have done to other men in my life.

It's great to see such courage! Thank you.

 

@The prodigal son and @Tryingto: I read this thread last month and have read it again with the recent additions today. The statements you have made are brave and I am sure they have been cathartic for you. I do not wish to imply that they are not enough. Notwithstanding, a question has crossed my mind. Have you ever made such an apology to those individuals you have hurt in the ways you have described? Naturally, the location of many of them are unknown to you. I am interested to know what the experience was like facing someone to say sorry compared to a generalised apology from an anonymous account they will probably never read. Again, I want to stress I am not trivialising the courage of your apologies herein.

 

@The prodigal son, thank you for writing this. You expressed thoughts that I keep bottled up in my head. There are times in my climb that I wish I could say these things to the people I've used in the past. I've learned that if reach out to them, with the intent to apologize, I tend to just lead them on or use them again.

Thank you for how you have caused me to really think about what I've done and what I need to do!

 

Thanks for your reply. That is interesting, with at least four different reactions. You did what you had to do. Kudos to you.

 

For a long time I felt like having to apologize to anyone I ever interacted with, for not having said the right thing at the right time, or having said the wrong thing, for talking too much, for not talking, for not paying attention, for not being there, for being absent ... basically for existing
Yet never for doing any sexual related activity except for my HIV status back in the late 80‘ early 90‘ before medication was on the plan. I played safe though felt responsible, accountable therefore very guilty. I used to think it‘s good to wait for the right moment to tell until I realized that for some messages there will NEVER be the right moment. Not before sex, not after, not before breakfast, not after, not before sharing the same towel, glass, spoon, fork, plate, nor after.

Then there was a phase when joining some 12-step-group where I went bananas thinking of having to apologize for hurting them, because I was the one being hurt (victim).

I could leave victimhood yet I am still reluctant, slightly mixed up when it comes to apologizing. I apologized though to myself for not being there for me, for not protecting me when older and could have, for using and abusing me mentally, physically, spiritually, for neglecting me, for letting others use and abuse me, for seeking humiliation and exploitation. I cried a lot. For all the losses and above all for the loss of the connection to my own true self.

(Now I might have to apologize to the sex-industry and ethanol companies, weed-farmers, poppers manufacturers, drug dealers, cash-site owners, hook-up-website masters, paypal, a.m.m. for abandoning them and no longer supporting them )

Back to serious ... Reading and being encouraged by what you my brothers started here and deep down there somewhere under the rainbow knowing ... it‘s not all about me and that by what I have become, compulsive, addicted, absent, distracted, confused, frustrated, sad, depressed and exhausted I made feel some people lonely, confused and sad too. Namely and foremost one man, my husband for +20 years.

So ... ok ... I give it a try:

To my husband: I apologize for leaving you alone night after night when I was, in my best times, drinking, smoking, being online with strangers, for betraying you with fuckbuddies, for not being there for you, for being absent, for putting our relationship at risk, for spoiling escorts and not you, for lying to you. The truth is I never wanted to become whom I turned out to be. I love you. Not because, but even though ... I love you.

To all the others, acquaintances, friends, relatives, family: You will have to wait a little longer, be patient, I am not there yet. Some of you are a bunch of narcissists, egoists, neurotics, some are well-meaning, kind, supportive, some of you I had to exclude from my life, delete, clean up my address book, without any big explanation ... leave you behind for the sake of my healing. Ok, sorry for being such an egoist
More maybe later, maybe. We‘ll see. But I wish you all peace of mind, love and happiness, may you all live a fulfilled life.

Thank you all for making this community here a safe space for healing, for listening, encouraging, for your spirit. f.

 

Thank you my brother. So are you. And I estimate our precious caring for each other‘s well being and becoming again who we really are.
And it‘s with great joy that I follow you here on NF seeing how you encourage us all unconditionally by sharing your struggles, your journey, your openness and honesty with us.