Amy's Journal

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Deleted Account, Jan 6, 2019.

  1. Hi my name is Amy and I need help. I've been M'Ding since I was 12ish. I live with my parents and when they go out to work, I always take this time to M. I was once nearly caught and I felt so ashamed. I don't know why I do it and I don't want to do it anymore. Its very difficult to admit this but I kind of watch P as well...its never nice stuff either. I sometimes hurt myself when I M. I use spoons and my hairbrush to hit my behind. I don't know why. Sorry if this post creeps you out...

    I've firmly decided enough is enough. I'm quitting P first. Any good tips for how to stop the habit of watching P? I've tried getting rid of the internet but that's no good because I just don't have the will power not to use it.

    Soccer14 likes this.
  2. Soccer14

    Soccer14 Fapstronaut

    Hi Amy27,

    It sounds like you're new to the forum. Welcome. This is a good place and there are lots of people here to help. I would suggest first finding an accountability partner (otherwise known as an AP). There is a forum just for this, you can find it here. I would strongly suggest two things. First, find an AP of the same gender as you. Secondly, find an AP who has more celibacy/success with rebooting than you. They'll be able to relate to many of your challenges and will have successfully made it through them. I would suggest someone who currently has, or has previously had at least 30 days of success. The more the better.

    While you're in the process of doing this, another good first step would be to start identifying what triggers your porn use. These are called, "antecedents". You can do a google search, "What are antecedents and how to identify them?". You'll learn a lot about addictive behavior just in doing this. For example, you've already identified one antecedent: your parents' departure from work. Once you identify an antecedent, you want to control your environment so that you reinforce a new behavior when that antecedent happens. In other want to build a new habit so that when the antecedent happens, you train yourself to do something new. For example, have a specific plan for what you'll do when your parents go to work that is incompatible with watching porn. For example, you could go for a walk without your phone, you could go to the gym, you could call a friend, you could read a book, cook something, etc. Keep trying different things until you find something that works.

    Also, one suggestion. Be careful about writing content that is potentially triggering to others (such as your use of spoons and a hair brush). NoFap is a place where you can safely share anything you're experiencing with PMO addiction, but you need to give others warnings that there is content which could potentially cause them to relapse. You can do this just as I have, by highlighting the content that is potentially triggering and then clicking the "+" button and titling the section of text, something like, "WARNING: Triggering content".

    Best of luck to you.
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2019
    Saiful91 likes this.
  3. Prov2416

    Prov2416 Fapstronaut


    Welcome to the forums. And it is great that you have started a thread.

    I have noticed alot of shame in your post. Let me be the first to tell you there is NOTHING you have named that is even remotely shocking or surprising.

    The community of people here have ALL engaged in most of what you said. And you know what......all of us regardless of worldview, belief-system, sex have come to the same realization about Porn and its effects on our lives and relationships. Simply, put the porn industry is MASSIVE and successful because of the way our bodies and minds respond to it.

    You are actually braver than most people because you are willing to come on this site and actually do something about this in your life.

    First things first though.

    What are your goals?

    How old are you?

    Single, dating, married?

    Are you abstaining from P and, M, and O? If, so how long?

    What do you want to use this journal for? How can people help you?

    Full disclosure on me:

    - Age: 42
    - Married for 9 years
    - Struggling with PMO since 9 (XXX through satellite dish in the 80s)
    - Have PM ed throughout marriage (so don't think you will just outgrow it or marriage solves ot)
    - Faith: Christian minister
    - Porn viewed:
    Straight, lesbian, tranny, animal, etc
    Time on NoFap: over 1 month
    Most recent relapse: 1 week ago

    I actually have gone the longest stretch, since being on this site. I listed all that about me above so that you don't feel alone. You have nothing to be ashamed. Just start taking steps forward and use the resources available to you.

    I can say that my life has gotten SOOO much better and my sex life with my wife has SIGNIFIGANTLY improved. My wife is aware of my journey and we are able to talk about it more from a loving place.

    Be encouraged and congratulations for you and starting this journey.
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2019
    Soccer14 likes this.
  4. Prov2416

    Prov2416 Fapstronaut


    Thanks for writing above about using spoiler tag for triggers.

    I have been here for a little over a month and have not used that enough. Thanks to you I edited my post and put a spoiler in it.

    And to @Amy27 we so are looking forward to your responses.
    Soccer14 likes this.
  5. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    Dear @Amy27,

    Welcome and I want you to feel comfortable here. This is a great place to unload all of this.
    This is neither surprising, nor new. There are so many, men and women alike, who started even much younger than 12.
    First question is why do you live with your parents? @Soccer14 addresses this very well with you, and makes great suggestions.
    Yeah, shame, embarrassment, guilt...they're all a part of what allows this addiction to continue to perpetuate itself.
    I do, and you don't have to do it anymore. It is something we can walk you through.
    Define the "...its never nice stuff either...". If you don't want to say in public, PM me, and I'll walk through it with you. I assure you, there is nothing you cannot tell me I haven't heard before. And I do mean nothing. I also want you to understand something. There is a dynamic at play here with your brain, that when you disclose to someone the nature of your addiction, your bottom lines, there is something within you that releases you from the bondage of it. That very admission is Step 5 of every single 12-Step Program in the world. Step 4 is making a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Trust me, you'll want to do this.
    This too I'd like for you to process. This "...sometimes hurt myself..." is most concerning. If this is something you are too shameful to discuss in a public setting, you too PM me, and I'll walk you through this as well.
    This is exciting, and is actually Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over our addiction and that our life had become unmanagable. A very exciting first step!
    Uh, actually, you need to do both at the same time.
    • The best tip for starters is to remember "one day at a time". Don't set some outrageous goal that is so far out there, the chances of you making it without relapse is very slim. And you'll relapse anyway. But that's OK. Progress. Not Perfection is what you're looking for.
    • The second best tip is to go onto Amazon, and purchase a copy of "Out of the Shadows" by Dr. Patrick Carnes. He is the worlds foremost expert on pornography/sexual addiction, and founded the programs which every reputable treatment facility in the world follows in one form or another.
    • The third best tip is for you to go find and view multiple online videos by "Brene' Brown. She has several books out on Amazon as well. This will address the shame that you are experiencing and how to overcome it.
    • The forth best tip is to start and keep a Journal. Nothing elaborate. This will allow you to easily see where you've been, where you are now, and gives you something to work with as far as reasonable expectations on where you are going.
    • The fifth best tip is to remember that your addiction isn't what defines you. You are a very worthwhile human being in body, mind, and spirit. So don't allow this addiction to permanently control you. Get ahold of it yourself. And this is a very good way to start going about accomplishing it.
    Well, we'll just have to work on that won't we. Remember, you took the first step which was monumentally huge. Half the battle is won, and you're just getting started!
  6. Woah, I'm very grateful and a little overwhelmed by all the amazing support. I'm sorry about not censoring what I said, I didn't think about how triggering what I wrote could be. Sorry. Thanks for explaining how to put a trigger warning @Soccer14. Well I guess I should give a little more detail about myself:

    I'm 30, female, single; had a five year relationship with girl, but more about that another time. I'm firstly looking to completely give up P, you see I watch
    Bondage, S&M, Spanking

    It got into it because my ex was into it and we tried some fantasies. I never truly liked doing it but it was the first long term relationship I ever had and I didn't want to lose my girlfriend. Sounds silly now, but...hindsight. I want to never watch P again. That's like my main No1 goal.

    In terms of quitting M, I never do it unless I watch P; well I do but only close to my time of the month. Without porn, I imagine I would only M 3-5 a month which is a start. At present its like 3-5 times a week.

    @GhostWriter I really grateful for your advice and really amazed with how in depth your post was. It has filled me with confidence on how I can beat this terrible addiction. When I say I hurt myself
    I smack my face and the top half of my body. My ex use to do it as part of our foreplay. All consensual

    I think I will see how I cope over the next couple of days and then come back.
    Thanks again everyone.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 7, 2019
  7. Prov2416

    Prov2416 Fapstronaut

    It is most certainly NOT SILLY. Our current culture has become SO saturated with porn, sex and orgasms it is everywhere you look. Our society is SO preoccupied with GREAT SEX. It's in our ads, marketing, everywhere.

    You feel like something is wrong if you are not engaging in it. NOTHING could be further from the truth. It is a VICIOUS cycle that draws you deeper and deeper into fantasy..... where our minds are able to unleash it's full potential. There is NOTHING that can be done in real life that can compare to something we watch or actually take part in.

    Anytime you are intimate with someone there is no musical soundtrack in the background not camera angles zooming around. Oh and let's not forget the makeup, hair, wardrobe and lighting. Also the idea of "Normal" porn as opposed to deviant or rough stuff is laughable as well. What is normal about people having sex in a room full of 20 people, filming a sex scene for hours on end that gets edited together for 15-30 minutes :)

    And then we say PM helps you know what you like versus what you don't like......Really....that's what is great about being in an actual committed relationship. You discover together how you can help each other. Even sexually.

    The whole thing if you really think about it is VERY disturbing. As a married man, the BEST thing you can do for yourself is what you are doing now and deal with this BEFORE involving someone else.

    With my porn use, my mind created images and scenarios that my wife COULD never duplicate or surpass. No matter how much makeup she wears or gets in a sexy dress with heels, the physicality of being with her is altogether different. Sex is ALL about connection. PM is ALL about withdrawl.

    As you start this journey, be aware that you are going to start noticing some SERIOUS physical changes as you are used to the dopamine rush you are able to quickly access.

    Please reach out on the forums, and to journal in your log. Also don't be surprised if men and women, married and single, straight and queer, religious and atheist, offer help. Again we just want you to win.

    Be encouraged.
    Soccer14 likes this.
  8. Mo1989

    Mo1989 Fapstronaut

    Just Stop watching !
  9. Soccer14

    Soccer14 Fapstronaut

    I'm glad you're feeling supported here. That's what this place is for.

    Mo1989's advice is right on the mark! Here are some more details of how you might accomplish this:

    I had a thought for mentioned trying to give up the internet...honestly, I think it's a good intention. This is essentially how I started my current streak (I'm 3 years porn free, though being single and using dating apps is why I've recently returned because I don't feel totally healed...but I'm in a really healthy and stable place...just could be better.). I used to leave my laptop and phone at work whenever I could. I also made a commitment to entirely avoid all, "pixelated women." In other words, no movies, videos, images on-line or magazines, billboards, etc.,... that had any woman of any level of attractiveness. I learned that I just couldn't trust myself, I would sexualize almost any woman (amazingly, this changes over time if you just avoid the stimuli long enough).

    This is really tough, as provocatively dressed, pixelated woman are everywhere. So my only form of digital entertainment were nature documentaries! This really helped. It's hard to do, really hard, but it's what finally got me over the hump after so many attempts.

    Depending on your relationship with your parents, you should consider telling one or both of them about your addiction - give them as many details as you think will be helpful. You're lucky to be living with people who really love and care about you, and perhaps, if they're understanding, they'd be more than happy to help. In fact, even if they aren't understanding, they may be happy to help, because ultimately, they love you and want you to be healthy.

    For example, I've told my mom almost every detail of my addiction and as a result I can ask her for help (even though I don't live with her). For example, my mom controls my access to my on-line dating profile. When I get an E-mail informing me that I have a message from someone, I tell my mom to change my password to the one that I know so I can view it. When I'm finished, or feel like I'm starting to abuse it, I have my mom change the password to one that I don't know. Yes, this is not a terribly efficient way to meet women...especially since it is usually men who initiate relationships on-line...but right now I'm more concerned with being healthy then being in a relationship. So this is ok for now.

    When you're getting started with this addiction, I think the most extreme measures are best. It's too exhausting to have to figure out the limits of your addiction...too many failures. What I mean by this, is at first I thought, "Ok, stop looking at naked people or people having sex, but bikinis or just attractive women are ok." Then I'd try it, relapse or have withdrawal symptoms, and have to start again. Then I thought, "Ok, just not women I'm attracted to." But this didn't work, because it's easy to sexualize almost any person. It's also just REALLY hard to willfully avoid sexual stimuli and fight off your urges. That's why I think, at first, when it's hardest to fight urges, control your environment as much as you can so that it's IMPOSSIBLE to relapse. Later on, when the urges aren't as strong, you'll have the strength to abstain in the presence of your laptop and phone, etc. For now, the urges may simply be stronger than your will. Which is totally fine. Don't think you have to overcome this the hard way...this whole thing is the hard way!

    So I'd say...if you can, find a way to drastically cut your use of digital media for some time The amount of time is is up to you...I think the 90 day mark seems to be standard...but only you will know in time. Especially since you're already considering giving up the internet, I'd encourage you to try to find a way to make it work. Most people wouldn't consider this, I think.

    Anyway, best of luck.
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2019
    Thor god of thunder likes this.
  10. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    Talk to me before you divulge anything to anyone. There is a method to the madness.
    I reiterate, talk to me before you do this.
  11. baxbu

    baxbu Fapstronaut

    I think masturbation and porn process are combined heavily
    You can't quit on of them and still doing another one
  12. Saiful91

    Saiful91 Fapstronaut


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