Am I over reacting?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Sharonana, Jun 14, 2019.

  1. Sharonana

    Sharonana Fapstronaut

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    I haven't been on this forum for a really long time. Thought things were going well, but...

    I recently discovered that my husband has been watching YouTube videos of half naked women...wait for it...fishing!!! I confronted him today about it. His excuse is that one of the women is married. So effin' what???

    I deleted all the YouTube channels from our TVs. We don't have cable and use Rokus for the TVs that we do have. So he goes way over the top and takes the TV out of his man cave. He's telling me I should leave and he's over it.

    In his mind he thinks because he's watching a half naked married woman with a husband fishing with her, it's OK. It's such a big trigger for me and I have been absolutely sick to my stomach for the past couple days.

    We have been married 41...yes 41 years. He's been addicted to porn since the beginning, but I was completely unaware for a very long time. I found magazines and videos and DVDs. I've begged and pleaded for him to stop. He's always told me he was done. I wish I had somewhere to go. I hate that I am in this position at this point in my life with no where to go and no one to count on.

    I'll figure something out. Thanks for listening.
     
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  2. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    FWIW, I do not think you are overreacting. Your husband sounds a bit immature, to even want to watch such a thing. I say this as someone who is still growing in my own maturity in this area. But, no, that sort of behavior is not OK for any man, but especially not for a married one.

    You will find much support on this web site. Wishing you the best.
     
  3. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Nope. Not over reacting.
     
  4. Sharonana

    Sharonana Fapstronaut

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    Thanks! I just don't understand how he can justify this in his mind. My husband has always had problems. He was diagnosed with adult ADHD a few months ago. I have always been so supportive. Things were going so well, or so I thought. I'm just feeling so defeated.
     
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  5. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    So sorry. It seems to never end. Maybe our husbands are in the same age range? Mine's 64. Some of the things my husband has sought out are so ridiculous that I have basically lost most of the respect I used to have for him.
     
  6. Sharonana

    Sharonana Fapstronaut

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    @Susannah yes my husband is 61. It's so ridiculous that a grown ass old man is still seeking out this kind of crap. He can't even get an erection anymore. I've lost count of how many years it's been since we've had sex. It's been a rough weekend. We haven't said two words to each other. I think I posted this in the wrong topic though. Oh well...
     
  7. Max Fisher

    Max Fisher Fapstronaut

    I wish more SOs would post these types of things. They help pop the bubble us addicts live in. It's easy to get lost and detact into a world where you are your own judge and all your behaviors make sense.

    I dont think you are over reacting. 41 years with a porn addict deserves some type of medal of honor or something, maybe a silver star.
     
  8. Sharonana

    Sharonana Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @Max Fisher! Well maybe me posting here will help others. My husband has been a porn addict since he was a kid. The stories he has told me. Yikes! He brought it into our marriage, but I had no clue. We had a really good sex life, or so I thought. On top of the porn, he has many mental issues. He is currently on Zoloft and Stratera. He has been so calm and cool since being on the Stratera. That's why I'm so upset about the YouTube videos I discovered. I have stuck by his side through thick and thin. He's had two serious illnesses and almost died from both...esophageal cancer 12 years ago and brain lesions 2 1/2 years ago. You'd think he'd live a more humble and grateful life.

    I'm just at a point in my life that I don't think I should have to leave our home. We've worked so hard for it. I've been retired for 4 years. He likes me being home. I take care of the house and the yard. I really have no place to go. We only have one car because it works for us. No extra car payment or insurance. My son lives out of state and my daughter and I are estranged. I don't have any contact with his family and I wouldn't go there anyway. My parents live 500 miles away. That is also not an option. I feel stuck. None of my friends or family know and I'm not going to tell them. It's just a very lonely existence. I never thought I would find myself here. I feel like I have wasted my life "standing by my man".

    My husband thinks because the women are married and the husbands are along side of them, it's ok. So using that logic if he's watching a porn movie with a married couple, that's supposed to be ok too? I don't think so Scooter. That's where we have the disconnect. He went way down the rabbit hole with porn. Some things that he has watched, I cannot unsee. I found it on his phone. His phone has since been blocked. One of the posters here was so kind to help me. I wouldn't have even known about the YouTube videos except that he stayed logged in to his account and it was on the TV in the kitchen. But again, he thinks there is nothing wrong with said videos.

    Well thanks to anyone that has read this and thanks for letting me vent. It does feel good sometimes just to get it out.
     
  9. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    Unfortunately, us addicts will act like a petulant child when our toys are taken away. While it sounds like he may have stopped porn, he is still looking for that hit from it. I’m sorry to hear you are going through the triggering again. It sounds like he hasn’t done anything in the way of recovery. Have you or him considered any 12 step programs? They are available in most areas, and if not there are online or dial in ones as well.
     
  10. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    I also think it's good for younger PAs who can't even picture themselves as an old man (or woman) still afflicted with this addiction. It lets them know it is possible to have this thing affect almost every aspect of their lives for decades. Scared straight?
    Agreed. And as with the younger PAs reading about our husbands, maybe it would do younger SOs some good to read that it is possible to put decades of effort into supporting a PA to no avail. How much sacrifice is too much? How long is too long? Before you know it, your life is drawing to a close and this shit?!?! is how you spent it? (Sorry - this is not directed at you, Sharonana.
     
  11. Blu_spaders

    Blu_spaders Fapstronaut

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    Wow! I think I just got scared straight. I was an alcoholic after I came back from 3 tours overseas and now I am sober for 3 years. It always gets me why I have such a hard time with this struggle, but I was able to conquer alcohol?
     
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  12. Max Fisher

    Max Fisher Fapstronaut

    Absolutely! I prefer the dignity of being an older man not PMOing. I've seen older men in my SAA with decades of sobriety so I know its possible.
     
  13. Sharonana

    Sharonana Fapstronaut

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    I have begged my husband to go to counseling. He would never do it. He said he'd rather talk to me, but he rarely did. I did buy him a workbook/CDs by Craig Perra. He got through about a third of the book and he did listen to the CDs. It really angered me that he wouldn't put more time and energy into doing the workbook. I put so much time and research into trying to understand this porn addiction thing. He couldn't be bothered to do the same for me. He did have a few counseling session when he got put on the Stratera. Of course he didn't tell the counselor about his porn addiction. That said, I don't think he is watching porn anymore either.

    We did talk Sunday. He says he understands why I got upset about the YouTube videos, but he also said he doesn't have any fight left in him. It's a chicken shit cop out if you ask me, and why am I not worth fighting for? Poor baby. He's tired? I'm tired too. I've been by his side for 41 years. I did ask him to get out the workbook again and if he couldn't do that, at least listen to the CDs. He would listen to them going to and from work. For now, all seems well. He doesn't want me to leave, nor file for divorce.

    Yes you young men take heed! Don't waste your life chasing after images on a screen. It's futile. I think in the end my husband is really going to regret all the time wasted. I know I do.

    I really, really appreciate all that took the time to read and respond. I am grateful. Thank you!
     
  14. Dakshinamurti

    Dakshinamurti Fapstronaut

    I had the same thought when reading this. I'm so glad I'm addressing this problem now, in my 30s. I'd never even considered in the past what it would be like to still be watching porn compulsively in 30 years time; I've been focused on the immediate and short term. I'm glad Sharonana and Susannah have found this place and found some support; I hope that both of your partners can find the reasons within themselves to make meaningful moves towards recovery.

    I've been sober for 5.5 years and have wondered the same thing- how can it be so hard to recover from this addiction when I've successfully gotten sober from alcohol, chemicals and cannabis?? The reality is though... I can't materialise alcohol or substances in my own home as easily as it is to access porn. That makes it so much more difficult but I fully believe that the strength we've found to stay sober can help us remain abstinent from porn.
     
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  15. Sharonana

    Sharonana Fapstronaut

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    We made a couple of changes in the house a while ago. He no longer has a computer in his room. That's been out of there for well over a year. The door is gone too. He took the door off of the room he uses for his hobbies because we were going to buy new ones. We never bought one for that room because he decided to leave it off. So that's something. He is trying. I always knew something was up when he would come home from work, grab a beer and head straight for that room and shut the door behind him.

    He used to work about 50 miles from home. He would leave work early without my knowledge, come home and watch porn for hours. We've been empty nesters for quite some time. There were many times when I got home from work early without his knowledge and caught him. I have thrown away more magazines, video tapes and DVDs than I can count. He would just buy more. What's surprising is that he never watched porn at work. Now I am home for the past 4 years and he can't watch porn anymore like he did.

    Please don't get me wrong. I love my husband, maybe more than he deserves. He is lucky to have someone who is as patient as I am, or am I a pushover? He's really good at twisting and turning words, but I call him out on it. I tell him that many women would have left for much less than what he has put me through. When things are good, they are really good. But when shit like this happens, it's bad. His porn addiction has messed with my self esteem so badly, but ultimately I know it's him and not me.

    I can't imagine having an addiction for 50 years or more and then just try to stop without any help. I guess the shame is just too deep and overwhelming, but he knows I will help him anyway I can. Maybe I've made it too easy for him and that's why the strong reaction to the fishing videos.
     
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  16. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    So sorry. You ARE worth it, even if he doesn't see it.
     
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  17. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Congratulations on your sobriety!
     
  18. Sharonana

    Sharonana Fapstronaut

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  19. Healmyheart

    Healmyheart Fapstronaut

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    I am in a similar situation right now, we were going great and I had started to relax and feel comfortable in the relationship, there had been no full on porn for just over a year, although I had found a couple of attempts to look it up on his restricted phone in August and December last year. Until the end of December last year we had also had some issues with him lying to me about conversation and drinks he had with a female friend of his talking to her about his ex things he won't be open to me about and that really hurt. As well as another female mutual friend of his and his ex going on a trip to visit his ex and sending him Snapchat of it. Snapchat chat is no longer and his female friend that blabbed is no longer so from the end of December things had been really improving more and more apart from my odd panic session and reliving the betrayal trauma that was getting better and better.
    Then about a month ago I turned my Facebook into a joint one and put it on his phone so that he could also see his family posts instead of me showing him all the time. Just over a week ago I felt something off, we had been going through a hard time with my daughter and he put it down to that, and made an effort we were finally intermate again after almost a week (usually at least 3 or more times a week) but I noticed the slight difference not full on PIED again but harder work than than it had been. I searched the activity log on our Facebook and found in that last week he had been watching women in bikinis having massages, an add where it looked like the women was about to take her top off and one 8 minute one of a bimbo in provocative clothing going on about something I didn't even bother watching it in its entirety. To come up in the activity log you have to watch them all the way through. He made light of it (gaslit me) and said he was mucking around showing the boys at work etc etc but the problem with that it was when he was at home and I wasn't there. He just said it was a man thing. I said no it's a boy thing for maybe a 14 year old that's just discovered girls. Even though it's not as bad as porn, you can't give an alcoholic shandy and say you will be fine.
    This has all set me right back, I told him it was such a turn off and made me feel creepy. I said I was no longer going to make the effort and if he wanted the relationship it was all up to him to really prove it . Things have been ok in the last week the odd hug, but no I love you and no intermacy. I'm feeling not attractive enough for him to really put in the effort.
     
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  20. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Ah Porn substitutes.... The thing that separates the real reboot success from the failure. If he's trying to skirt the line, he's not quite there yet. If his heart is in this, you just need to explain that Psubs make avoiding porn temptation harder.... The addict sees them more like a smoker sees a nicotine patch.

    Support him and try to see if it's shame that's keeping his intimacy off. I hope that's it, and not the addiction winning.
     
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