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Am I Gay in denial, or HOCD and Porn addiction?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Deleted Account, Mar 15, 2018.

  1. Hey guys.
    So.. I will take everything from the beginning..
    I started masturbating when I was 11-12 years old.. I continued masturbating very often, without porn at this age..
    I first discovered porn I think when I was 13.. When I did, I remember watching and masturbating to porn even 2 times a day..
    Everything was really fine, watching Straight porn... At that age I was really scared about myself, for example, I was obese, and I really hated that.
    I was scared because my penis is small..
    And also I was scared that maybe I was gay because of my high pitched voice.. That is actually the stupidest thing I have ever thought, but yeah I was 13 years old when I was thinking about these..
    Anyway, I was masturbating a lot to straight porn, sometimes even 2 and rarely 3 times a day.. But then one day, for some reason, I switched to gay porn.. I don't remember why..
    At first even when I watched gay porn, I still considered myself Straight, because I had a crush on a girl at the time, and I just told myself it will stop sometime.. I think I started watching gay porn around 15.
    One day I finished masturbating to gay porn once again, and the idea came in my head, "Wait, does that mean I am gay?" I started freaking out because it was something I didn't want to be, I became depressed because of this.. The problem was that by the time I started having these thoughts about "Does that mean I am gay?", I had lost all my interest in Straight porn and generally female bodies.. I started searching on the internet "Am I gay?" "Does that mean I am gay?", and I just found many articles and forums that said that if you watch gay porn and masturbate to it, means you are gay..
    I told a friend about it.. He told me that even if I was gay, he would be okay with it.. I still couldn't and can't accept the possibility that I am gay..
    I started talking to Support Groups on the internet and for such a long time I was asking others if that means I am gay, because I didn't have my own answers.. Today, I still masturbate to gay porn, even if I am scared I am gay, I feel bad when I finish to gay porn, but I still do it because I can't get off easily to Straight Porn..
    The thing that still makes me think that I am not gay and that I am probably straight is the fact I still develope feelings for girls, I still have crushes on girls, and not guys..
    Also I found about HOCD, Porn Addiction.. I still have doubts about it and I am scared.. Will stopping porn, do the job and get me back to normal? Or am I gay in denial.???
    I'm sorry for the long post.. I just wanted to mention as many things as I could..

    Edit: I have the urge to masturbate when I see a guy on an Anime, TV, and generally on the internet.. Like, if I see a guy naked, shirtless sometimes, I will have the urge to masturbate.. I have gay fantasies but I don't know if I would ever do anything with a guy in real life.. Today, my father got out of the shower and I saw him naked and now I have the urge to masturbate and it's so weird I want to die.. Please help..
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 15, 2018
  2. SpaceAndTime

    SpaceAndTime Fapstronaut

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    You most likely aren't gay at all. You've just become desensitized to straight porn. Porn addiction does not allow one to settle on a single genre of porn forever - as the addiction worsens your porn tastes tend to leave your normal sexual desires totally behind and you escalate to harder, darker, stranger, and more socially taboo genres of porn, to achieve the same thrills you once could achieve with 'normal' porn. Porn is a drug and masturbating to it facilitates a chemical addiction in the brain. Like any addiction, you cannot get the same high from the same stimulus over and over again.

    For most of my life, before porn, I never felt any real attraction to men but I ended up escalating to gay porn within a year or two of my porn addiction, and then on to transgender, and then fetishes, and so forth. Porn cannot satisfy.

    If you stop porn and masturbation, your normal sexual appetite should return. From what I've seen, people who have predominant same-sex attraction felt those feelings from a very early age, and can scarcely make themselves attracted to the persons of the opposite gender in any real capacity. If that doesn't describe you, you are most likely not 'gay' and never have been.
     
  3. Thanks for the reply.. This really calmed me down actually.. But I just can't stop thinking that I may be gay, and I can't stop searching the past about things that can prove that I am gay.. And I am so scared.. I masturbated to gay porn again.. I feel like trash.. I feel so depressed..
     
  4. I'm with @SpaceAndTime on this one; you probably aren't gay. You're young and figuring out who your are and what you like. That you had to 'escalate' your porn (something I refer to as going down the rabbit hole) is very common - I've been fortunate that I didn't, but a cursory glance at these forums seem to show it as probably more likely than not. That you've caught yourself feeling uncomfortable watching it a 'this isn't what I like' way speaks to you making growth as a person.

    I'm sorry you feel this way. Take time out to reboot, sort out whether it is escalation or something else. Be nice to yourself (but not that nice), and expand on other areas of your life; school being the most obvious one.

    Fight the good fight.
     
  5. It must be depressing and distressing Jim. But did you know that HOCD can work the other way around. Yes, it can also stand for Heterosexual-OCD. In other words, gay guy that cannot get a boner with naked guys and gay porn but now jerk off to women etc. o_O The point is HOCD, whichever way round it is, says nothing about a person's real sexual orientation.

    What happens is that when you are addicted to porn for a few years, the brain wants the same level of reward, but cannot get enough from what you have been doing. So, the person will look at stuff they are not into. Because of the novelty of something new, the brain gets a bigger reward from it and then you need to keep using gay porn to get hard and get off.

    Some guys when they get bored with the porn they used to watch, end up with taboo and extreme porn. :eek: For example,
    scat, incest, zoophilia...
    So, watching gay videos for a while is probably better than some of the other things you might have got involved with! :oops:

    The answer? Complete the NoFap challenge. It takes a few months of no porn, no masturbation, no fantasising etc. During this process, you will go back to your previous heterosexual attraction and guys and gay porn will not do it for you. Cheers.
     
    Deleted Account and ivanhoe like this.
  6. Thanks for the reply.
    I will do my best to reboot. All of these feelings just get me distracted from the things I am supposed to do, example, school. I will do my best.
     
  7. Thanks so much for the support.
    I am really glad that people finally know what I am going through. I was sick of people telling me to accept being gay when it didn't feel right.. I am so glad.
    I will try to complete the challenge. Thank you.
     
    ShyMonk555 likes this.
  8. I understand very much what this feels like. I had friends, even gay friends, say that I was gay and that I should just relax and enjoy it. I would hang out in gay bars with them, but beyond an admittedly not-unattractive guy playing footsie with me, nothing happened. I was worried that the lack of female interest in my was based on my being gay, but my preferences in P pretty much put that to rest. If you are, that's okay, but I think you owe to yourself to figure out what floats your boat.

    Take the challenge, go without - at the end, your body will tell you what it likes. Just remember reboot takes different times for everyone, with a different set of experiences to boot. You've got a support base in this community, so speak up if you're feeling low.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  9. jackson9999

    jackson9999 Fapstronaut

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    My struggles have been very similar to yours, however, I never watched "fully" gay porn (anal sex,etc) only mututal masterbation stuff between two men and some bi-"ish" stuff. Basically borderline gay porn but not gay porn. Unfortunately, I acted out with men and mutually masterbated on many occasions with anonymous "straight" men through a website. This is my biggest regret and you should be thankful that you never did. DO NOT DO THIS TO YOURSELF.

    I am 50 days in on a "reboot" and I feel the best I have felt in a long time. I am not even tempted to look at porn or masterbate right now. I recommend the same for you - no porn or materbation for 90+ days. Your brain needs to re-group and become it's natural self again. You have been feeding your brain propaganda for a long time so naturally you are confused. The good thing is that you are recognizing that it's not right and it does not feel right.

    If you haven't already, I recommend finding a Christian therapist - someone who will understand that you suffer from HOCD and that you are not in fact gay. I made the mistake of going to therapist who encouraged me to explore my sexuality with men even though I was not interested in it. I have luckily found a therapist who supports me and understands that I am not gay, rather, I suffer from HOCD and same sex attraction induced by gay porn.

    Also, you mentioned your insecurity about having a small penis. I have learned that people with HOCD often times develop an attraction to men with qualities that they want for themselves (muscular, good looking, big penis, etc). This is part of the same sex attraction that your brain has tricked you into seeking. My belief is that gay men would explain their attraction differently and perhaps describe themselves as been incapable of loving a woman and only being capable of loving another man. In my case, I have only been in love with a woman that I had a long sexual relationship with. I could never see myself loving a man or being intimate with man (kissing, holding hands, etc). It has never been an attraction for me.

    I hope my story helps. I am 28 years old and reaching a point in my life where I basically feel, enough is enough. I am here with you on this journey / battle and I wish you the best. Post about your progress. We are all rooting for you.
     
  10. Thank you so much, for the reply and your support. Since I joined NoFap, I feel so relieved that I am not alone to this. I will try to not watch porn or masturbate for sometime and see what I really am.. Thanks again..
     
    jackson9999 likes this.
  11. felachange

    felachange Fapstronaut

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    Wow im so enlighted here. I don't know how i categorize myself. Am i bi or gay or what? This question i always ask my self but nothing to talk to or share with. Im 33y/o married man (having my 1st baby soon). Ive watched and get arouse with gay porn. Having sex with several guys, fetish with guys body hair. But i act and felt im straight (i wish). I felt guilty after i cummed and back to being straight per say. Can you guys help me to cope up this things and find someone to motivate and understand me and help me overcome this problem? And eventually free from guilt. Please! Thank you!
     
  12. Hello @felachange, and welcome. Firstly, I'm not entirely comfortable with labelling anyone else's sexuality myself, because I don't know how they're wired. I try to approach things from a scientific perspective and there's just too much proof of diversity for me to do anything else. I guess the easyist question to ask is whether your interest in men was brought about watching gay porn because hetero porn didn't do it anymore, or whether it was something that has always been there and you simply didn't feel inclined to explore it until viewing the gay porn?

    I'm not a therapist or a counsellor or anything, and if these are concerns for you I'd suggest seeing one. However, I would recommend NoFap, if for no other reason than to re-wire your brain off of porn. Has this helped a little?
     
  13. As a gay person myself, I can tell you that you need to remove the influence of porn from your life before you can be sure. Most gay people just know as they are growing up, and if you never had these thoughts or feelings PRIOR to your porn viewing, I can 99% confidently say that your confusion is porn induced. Complete a reboot, quit porn, reset your brain back to factory defaults and then reassess.
     
    Hufflekid and Deleted Account like this.
  14. Repeated for emphasis. Thank you for giving you perspective in this discussion, @Jen@8675309. It's much more helpful than anything I could say as a cis-het male on the topic.
     
  15. Also, from your post it looks like you discovered porn right about at that age when people are just coming into their sexuality and discovering themselves. You've been on porn for so long that your confusion is definitely understandable, and your brain may be all mixed up. The good news is the damage is not permanent and you can heal if you stick to rebooting.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  16. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

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    To your question, "am I gay?" I don't know.

    Answering this question is so complicated because there is a lot of confusion and, sorry to say, rigidity about this subject. You have some who insist that your sexual orientation is fixed, cannot change, period. They will get pretty hot if you disagree -- for understandable reasons, in particular, because it can sound like you're arguing the exact opposite: that people just choose gay or straight the way people choose strawberry or chocolate.

    I think we don't really have a good answer. My own view is that while it's not just like flipping a switch, I do think we are more malleable than we realize. The way porn and fantasy, linked to masturbation, "rewires" the brain, supports that.
     

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