Am I Foolish

The shakiness is not a lack of confidence. It's excitement. Just let yourself feel it. You're gonna do just fine

 

Rather than you showing appreciation for her time, there should be mutual appreciation for each others time/company. If you've been seeing her for a few weeks I don't think that she'll see you as a bother for spending time together. However, just make sure you can have a clear head on why she is spending time with you. In other words, make sure that it's for the right reasons ie. you are an awesome person.

Let us know how the night goes and don't forget to take some time to enjoy your time together too. When I was younger the early parts of dating I stressed too much about the little things and worried too much.

 

I'd say trust your gut on that one. If you're unsure, you could also just ask her how she feels about you. It might seem a little odd to ask such a question, but if you think about it, it's a perfectly legitimate question to ask, and I think it's pretty obvious when someone gives a disingenuous answer to it.

 

Rather than telling her how YOU feel, put a little of that weight on her. Ask her; "where do you see this going"?

Likely if she saw you as a pit date/ sap, as you described it, you would have been used for one or two dates rather than this seemingly ongoing thing you have for a matter of weeks.

Based on what I'm hearing from your story you are sitting pretty good.

 

And what is this idea based on? I believe it's a story you're telling yourself. It's a compelling story, one that is likely based off of your feelings, your previous experiences in life, and your understanding of the facts of reality. Try to recognize that it's just a story you're telling about yourself, but that it's not the whole story. It's easy for you to look at yourself as an insecure child when you aren't taking into consideration some of the other feelings, facts, and experiences that make up your life that contradict this idea. In fact, you are so much more than an insecure child. You are not your body, you are not your thoughts, you are not the things that have happened to you, you are not your relationships, you are not your past, and you are not your future. You are so much more than all of these things, and I think once you catch a glimpse of that truth the insecurities will melt away.

If you want to build a long-term relationship with her, then make your intentions clear to her. Don't hide your intentions from her. You'll be left frustrated, and there's no guarantee that she'll be able to read between the lines and see that this is what you want if you haven't made it clear to her.

Supposed to according to whom? You're leaning on an assumption about gender roles here, and it's important to ask where that assumption came from. I don't believe there is anything specific about the way men and women are that imply that men are "supposed to" act first. Rather, I believe that's something we learn at a very young age. It's an idea that is present in the popular media we consume and in the stories and traditions of our culture. It would be enough if you believed that men are supposed to act first without question, but you're actually taking it a step further than that: using that assumption to deprecate yourself. You're using it in this way: Men ought to act first in a relationship. I didn't act first. Therefore, I'm not a man (or, at least not a very good one).

You don't need me to tell you this, but you are a man, man. You may not always act the way that you've been taught a man ought to act, but that doesn't make you something else. You're a man who didn't act first, but you're still a man. The implications of that fact are up to you entirely.

I hate to say it after a comment like that, but it really is that simple. If you want to know how she feels about you, then I think the simplest way to find out is to ask her. You have nothing to lose. The worst case scenario is that she tells you she doesn't feel the same way that you do. However, even if she does that, it's not really a loss. Rather, it's a liberation. If you want to build a relationship with her and she tells you she's not interested, she's giving you the opportunity to pursue other people. When God closes a door, he opens a window.

In the same way, I think you stand to lose much more by not asking her how she feels about you. If you don't ask, she may never tell you, and you risk investing more of your life, more of your heart, more of the love you have to give into a relationship that simply wasn't meant to be. That would be a tremendous loss. Note: I'm not saying that your relationship with her isn't meant to be (I have no idea how it will end up). My point is that you won't know unless you are clear and forward with her about your own intentions and feelings and request the same from her.

I don't see a whining brat, but what I see is a man who is seriously hard on himself. There's a horrible, nasty little voice inside of you that is saying horrible, nasty things about you. It says things like "you're not a man", "you don't deserve to be in a relationship", "you are like a child", "you are a whining brat", and many other things you've commented in this thread. This voice has one goal: to make you feel completely miserable and alone for the rest of your life. If you don't do anything about it, it will succeed. So, what can you do about this inner voice? Well, the tough news to hear is that you can't get rid of it. You can't silence it, and you can't make it go away. However, you can tame it. You can learn to separate it from yourself and become friends with this voice. Forgiveness is understanding.

Taming this nasty little voice in your head is remarkably simple (simple, not easy). The first and most potent tool you have is to simply notice the voice in the first place. Simply recognize and acknowledge moments where you make self-deprecating statements in your head, in conversation, in writing, and even in forum posts. You don't have to analyze them. You don't have to challenge them. You don't have to pursue them or try to understand where they are coming from. Simply pointing them out and focusing your awareness on them when they happen is a very powerful tool. Once you've practiced that, the next logical step is to recognize that you are not this voice. This voice is something you experience, like the feeling of rain on your skin or the feeling of waking up in the morning, but it is not who you are. Once you realize this, you take away all of it's power over you.

I can see that voice inside you very easily even through a forum thread, because I have a voice like that, too. Mine says horrible things about me as well. Mine tries to make me feel like a failure, like a loser, like "not a real man". It is possible to overcome these thoughts, and to live alongside them in harmony rather than letting them dictate your life. I hope that helps.

 

In my opinion, it's never too soon as long as you're being authentic about it. If you really feel the way you do, what are you gaining by withholding that information from her? The longer you postpone it, the longer you stay right where you are. I think the idea that it's "too soon" is a rationalization of your fears or anxieties of telling her how you really feel about her. My advice is to stop grappling with those fears. Don't rationalize them, don't try to understand them, don't even think about them. Rather, accept your fears, and actually lean into them rather than shying away or cautiously navigating around them. When you push forward into something you're afraid of or anxious about, you'll end up pushing through it, and there's often beautiful stuff on the other side. You'll tell her how you feel, and it'll be really scary. There will be so many unknowns and so many possibilities, but once you do it, things won't be that way anymore. There won't be so many possibilities, there will only be her response to what you've said, and I'm sure it will be wonderful when she responds to you.

If you tell her how you really feel about her and she gets scared and runs away from you, why would you want to be with her anyway?

I don't think it's a "bad idea" to be vulnerable and open with someone you trust, care about, and enjoy being around. If she likes you, I think she would actually really appreciate you telling her that you think she's attractive. You're not putting any pressure on her by telling her how you feel.

Yes, she might run. I think you're adopting the (false) assumption that her running away from you as a result of your openness with her is a bad outcome. It's not. If you hand her your heart and she shoves it back in your face and runs away, she's given you an honest answer. She's given you an opportunity to pursue other relationships that will be more rewarding to you. She's essentially saved you the trouble of trying to pursue a relationship that was doomed from the start. She's given you the greatest gift she could possibly give you: an experience.

Look, there are always going to be associated risks when you do just about anything. When you sign up for a class, there's a possibility that you'll fail. When you go for a hike, there's a chance you'll scrape your knee. When you go in for an interview, there's a possibility you won't get the job. When you plant a seed, there's a chance it won't grow. When you ask a girl out, there's a chance she'll say no. All of these possibilities are painful, and some of them really suck to deal with, but they are also how you grow. Your experiences, both the positive and negative ones, are a large part of what makes you who you are. If you're waiting for a risk-free opportunity to ask this girl out, you're going to be waiting for the rest of your life. There's always going to be a possibility that she'll reject you. There's nothing you can do about that. The question is: are you going to let that possibility motivate you to take the plunge, or are you going to let it paralyze you from doing anything?

I know my previous paragraph was really philosophical and final, so I'll leave you with a lighter question that I think might help:

If this girl becomes upset, scared, or uncomfortable as a result of you telling her that you find her attractive, you like her, and you want to have a more serious relationship with her, then what's so amazing about her?

 

First of all, this doesn't really answer the question I asked you. I asked: if you open up to her about how you really feel and she runs away, why would you want to be with her in the first place?

As for your addiction, it very well may be that she does not want to be in a relationship with an addict. However, you will never know unless you try. If you wait until you have your entire life in order before you feel that you are worth dating, you'll be waiting for the rest of your life. As I said before (again, I'm assuming you're a religious guy), everyone is a sinner. You will never have your life in order. You will never be a flawless man. Being worthy of dating and being flawless are two very different things.

 

Hey I'm a girl, and I think giving her flowers is SO romantic. Don't worry about looking too into her, because if she really likes you, then she won't see this gesture as you being unconfident or whatever. You'll actually stand out from other guys because giving her flowers would exude ultimate confidence which is super sexy. If she doesn't respond well, don't take it personally. Not everyone is suited for eachother, and you'll just learn quicker that she may or may not be the one for you. It's best to do what feels natural to you! Don't change who you are just to please someone else... PlEAsE!

 

I think you're misinterpreting the question, and you're missing my point. The purpose of the question was to try to get you to see that if she runs away from you because you told her the truth, she's not worth your time. There is no such thing as showing her yourself "too quickly". That's just a mechanism your ego came up with to protect yourself from the possibility of getting rejected by this girl (which, by the way, is only one possibility of many).

So tell me, why are you so afraid of being rejected by her? Why would this be such a terrible outcome?

I think that's a reasonable expectation, and it's something that you can clearly communicate to her when you're explaining how you really feel.

 

I'm sure she secretely loved those flowers ☺️
Well, no I don't think that's too soon. However, I don't know your situation. If you feel like it's too soon, and your not just scared, you should maybe hold off. Just listen to her body language, and when it feels right, you'll know it. But when the time comes, just don't chicken out haha. By that time, I'm almost positive that it's safe to let her know. Especially since she has been on 3 dates with you already, that quite most definetly means she likes you enough as well. Gosh I love cute things like this. Haha if you need girl advice, hit me up