After NoFAP If I Can't Get A Hooker Then I'm Screwed

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by AThinkingGuy, Jul 10, 2019.

Can I Safely Return Back To Using Prostitutes For The Rest Of My Life After I Finish My Reboot?

This poll will close on Jul 20, 2019 at 7:58 PM.
  1. No it's the same as Porn And Masturbation

  2. Yes, As long as you're safe, then it's the best option

Results are only viewable after voting.
  1. AThinkingGuy

    AThinkingGuy Fapstronaut

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    QUICK DETAILS: Where I live prostitution is legal, and prostitutes are regularly tested and must essentially have a license. These women predominantly are not the victims of sex trafficking, and are adults (they pay taxes, and a ton of fees to the government, they are registered sex workers). I always use condoms, and I've been tested multiple times over the years. I've had almost 10 years of therapy, 10 years of psychiatric prescribed medication, tried support groups, friend groups, and I work out hard core, have an extensive post graduate education, run my own business, very goal orientated, and active.

    My Situation:

    So I've been doing the 90 day reboot. I'm close to finishing up 30 days, and was planning to immediately celebrate by getting a prostitute, after reading up on NOFAP opinion of this, many people compared it to porn.

    I've wasted over $10,000 on prostitutes in the past, although it has tapered off a lot in the last two years (e.g. I haven't been with one in maybe 6 months now, or had sex at all either, just porn and masturbation), so yes prostitutes definitely became an addiction for me.

    Here is my problem, I don't want to go back to dating, and relationships, I've been burned bad in the past, and in the age of #Metoo and all that other crap, I don't want to suffer anymore going out their and chatting up women, it feels degrading to me.

    I'm worried, because if I can't see a prostitute, then my only other options are either lifetime celibacy or a return back to porn and masturbation. I don't know how to deal with this situation.

    I've promised myself I will never let a woman hurt me again. I can already see the comments that allowing yourself to be hurt is a choice, but relationships require vulnerability. Also the time and money invested in them upsets me. I'm mostly a loner these days, I work on myself and building wealth, I also work very very hard on my body these days.

    NoFap is making such a difference in my life, I don't ever want to go back to Porn and Masturbation, but at the same time I don't ever want to go back to the pain of committed relationships, and just the general courting process. I've done over 100 approaches in my day, maybe hundreds at this point when I was younger. I've done all of that crap, bars, coffee shops, co-workers, chatting women up, reading books on communication, working with dating coaches, none of that ever really worked for me and only made me more and more unhappy, I also took the path for many years of just stop looking, and focus on self development, so I did just that, and 7 years easily slipped by (no dating, no hookups) and I regressed to porn and masturbation, and around 2 years ago began seeing hookers.

    So yeah I'm not a weak man, I stand up for myself, I work hard on myself and my business, and I communicate pretty effectively. I've recently lost my closest friend as she did not like me wanting to return to seeing prostitutes after NoFap, and my refusal to get into a relationship. The loss of this friendship has really hurt badly as well, but I've just pushed on.

    What are your thoughts. I don't want to get back into a committed relationship, outside of #MeToo crap, their is also the risk of divorce, child support, and emotional abuse by the woman. Also you can never truly know a person, and people change, so acting like you can find the perfect woman who will never screw you over, is ridiculous in my opinion. Anyway please let me know your thoughts on how I should proceed after by reboot ends. Should I just return to prostitutes after I complete my reboot? I don't think I can be celibate for life. I think I could go for years possibly but eventually i'd crack. I'm in my mid 30's. Also this not a troll or anything like that, I'm 100% real and just not sure what to do.

    Feedback received so far that I found useful but difficult to stomach:

    Basically give up on hooking up, prostitutes or any such thing. Rather live life going forward and if somewhere along the way I meet someone and sex happens great, if it doesn't that's also great. The only thing is, going down this path, I feel like I will need to condition myself to completely control my desire, and essentially stop sexual lust and desire, but if I somehow enter a relationship with someone then sex becomes a possibility again at which point I can have sex if the other person wants to as well.

    However the problem here again, is that I don't want a relationship, and this path essentially sounds the same as celibacy for me, because I know myself, and like I have done for almost 10 years now, I will continue avoiding building any relationships with women I encounter that show interest. It's how I am, hence again this sounds like it will be celibacy for me, which I find hard to stomach, but honestly will choose over a relationship (however I don't want to become a lifetime celibate, but I fear, and don't want a relationship even more).

    Any feedback advising what you think I should do, is appreciated. Please just keep it respectful and constructive. I've been stressing out very badly over this.
     
    ironmaing likes this.
  2. MikeSilva

    MikeSilva Fapstronaut

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    Why are you talking in such a degrading way about relationships? It is the most beautiful thing ever. I am sorry that there were women which hurt you in the past but there are so many women which are nice, good looking, kind, loving and fun.

    Do not generalize all women as nightmares and try to date again. If you do not want to feel miserable or depressed with a girl, then try to date very slowly. Go on 10-20 dates before thinking about a relationship.

    Prostitutes till you die is not the answer brother.
     
  3. AThinkingGuy

    AThinkingGuy Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the response, but I thought I made myself very clear, that I am not open to a relationship. I told myself that I would never let another woman hurt me again, and I can't handle another relationship. I'm like a shell shocked Vet, I can't fight that war anymore.
     
  4. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    Ok, im going to tell you what your problem is. Believing this new age crap that relationships require vulnerability. No they dont, specifically no male vulnerability.

    Males now are pushed to act like women to be vulnerable but nothing dries up a pussy faster than a man being vulnerable. Yes, you can show some of your issues but if you act all weepy and vulnerable about it, it makes you weak. Own up to them and mive forward, dont expect womem to act like a mother. They will but they will stop seing you as a partner and respecting you.

    What holds a relarionship together is the man having a spine and being truthful.
     
  5. wwtl

    wwtl Fapstronaut

    Prostitution is legalized in certain places to help it destroying the family unit. Once that goal is reached of course it will be banned again.

    Sex workers just like porn are not a replacement for a relationship. That's the first fallacy you need to get rid of. Visiting them damages you spiritually and that will slowly make yourself and your life worse, and turn you into someone or something you don't want to be.

    Now your grudge with dating: You see your desire for lust and a relationship being the means to this end. This naturally leads to disaster. Also you seemingly worked on bringing them into existence like a job or business transaction ("Do 100 job interviews!").

    Never make decisions based on lust or temptation, accept it being part of you, get it under control, it won't go away.

    You already worked on self improvement, now the question: Are you an amazing person others like to be with? Don't confuse this with placing a higher priority on what others think of you than what you think of yourself. That is neediness.

    Instead ask yourself: Are you happy with who you are and the life you're living? Take a deep hard look: Not what society expects from you or defines as "successful", but what you yourself burn for deep inside.

    Once you reached the state of being a happy man loving what he is doing with his life, you attract low-maintenance girls who want to be part of it without you having to go through the chore of "dating". And sexual release becomes a non-priority.
     
  6. AThinkingGuy

    AThinkingGuy Fapstronaut

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    Wow thanks for this advice. Low maintenance girls sounds too good to be true, but honestly this sounds like incredible advice regardless.

    As I said in my original post as well, I am in some way addicted to prostitutes a well, kind of like a build a bear workshop, if you don't like one, then you can replace them with another, and you also get an ongoing variety of different women to choose from. So settling for one woman, at a time again, and having to deal with her issues, or any conflict will be a challenge, as I don't like conflict or arguing, and the way I am now, I'd just walk out on her, or kick her out, if even a minor argument upset me too much.
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2019 at 5:24 PM
    wwtl likes this.
  7. wwtl

    wwtl Fapstronaut

    Thank you, it was hard to write that up without making it sound like incoherent rambling. It also helped me getting a clear picture of where I want to be.

    For the last part I was thinking about the example of Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene.
     
    AThinkingGuy likes this.
  8. wwtl

    wwtl Fapstronaut

    Yeah, that's what I meant with destroying you spiritually. One thing men sometimes don't realize is that sleeping with women is more than what meets the eye or the mechanical act. Casual sex is just as harmful.

    The "variety" sounds incredible on paper, but you "collect" a distorted combination of all your hookups in your mind and end up incapable of bonding to one human with all their quirks.
     
    Kiz Whalifa likes this.
  9. xvtc ctvx

    xvtc ctvx Fapstronaut

    Why did you stop seeing prostitutes in the first place? I would imagine, you began to feel something was missing -- or maybe it was draining your bank account at an alarming rate. Nevertheless, I would examine the drawbacks of prostitution closely before getting sucked back into it.
     
    youliveyoulearn, Rehab101 and wwtl like this.
  10. AThinkingGuy

    AThinkingGuy Fapstronaut

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    I decided to focus on expanding my business and building out wealth. I stopped spending money on prostitutes (and frivolous things) and instead began investing it in my business, I figured that the years I would find myself struggling through this process (which has been hard), would pay off later on, and that I could end up having dozens of prostitutes any time I wanted them, once I rich. That literally sounds so bad or funny, but yeah my ultimately goal after getting wealthy was for more prostitutes, I came to see normal women as inferior to prostitutes.
     
  11. Facundo0810

    Facundo0810 Fapstronaut

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    I am kind of in the same boat as you as I basically transitioned my porn addiction for addiction to escorts. For my own benefit I use escort encounters as I relapse, and for all intents and purposes I'm clean three days. In the skim of thinks three days is nothing, but for me is something big because it's been three days of full cold turkey, which means that I haven't gone to escort webpages or contacted any escort. I'm trying to occupy my mind and my time with other activities, and hopefully I will be able to overcome this addiction. Ironically my lowest point happened three days ago when I had an escort coming to my place at 2:00 am. I had to work next day at 8 am, but still that wouldn't matter to me. After seeing the escort, though, I realized that my life was going completely downhill, and that I needed some drastic changes. I'll report my progress later on, but for now I feel somehow liberated. As for escorts in general, I think that, in my opinion, the answers varies. In my case my goal was initially to have a functional penis. I just wanted to have a erection and have sex, so initially I thought that using escorts was acceptable. No compromise, no feelings involved, just plain sex, but 3 days ago I realized that I not only want to be able to have sex. I want to have the ability to connect with another human being. I want to build something with another human being. I know that relationships come with risks, but I'm willing to go for that challenge. I don't want to be just an empty body with no feelings and just with capabilities of having sex. I'm almost reaching 40, and I want to connect with other person. I know that I may sound corny, but I want to be able to wake up with somebody next to me every morning. I want a real connection and not a connection based strictly in money. Hopefully you find an answer to your dilemma. Good luck.
     
    ironmaing and AThinkingGuy like this.
  12. AThinkingGuy

    AThinkingGuy Fapstronaut

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    Thanks mate, and thanks for sharing also. I would tell you to be careful with the relationship thing, especially if you're not well versed in them. I didn't just choose prostitutes as a preference, 10 years ago I wanted to exact same thing as you, and I worked hard on my life and self to attain that, and then I began having relationships with women, and I just kept finding that every single one of them, no matter how carefully I chose, was totally full of themselves. No one is perfect but these girls were just not marriage material (literally none of them). In the end I came to conclude that one way or another you're paying for it. You can pay it all upfront with a prostitute or pay it over time in a relationship that utilizes the concept of compound interest, so you're always paying more and more, until you eventually fall behind.
     
    Facundo0810 likes this.
  13. ronmoore007

    ronmoore007 New Fapstronaut

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    Prostitutes are fun but they put your mind in a difficult place to escape. This is a very interesting discussion and I really feel the need to share my experience. For a long time I had the same problem with relationships, which led to my obsession with porn and an appetite for prostitutes. A relationship never seemed possible for me until I tried approaching things differently. It stressed me out just thinking about when and how healthy sex would happen in my life, which made prostitutes seem much easier and convenient at the time (until it got out of control). I understand your frustration and I would warn you that both of your options can be just as risky and/or painful. The fact that it's a tough decision suggests that you are a lot like me and want to make the most practical choice. That's why you must consider what your relationship goals are before you make up your mind. You might not be ready for a relationship and that's ok. The problem that I had was that even when I met someone who was right for me, I still had urges to find sex elsewhere. Not being completely ready made it difficult to be honest and faithful. If you are sure you just want sex you'll have to accept that a relationship won't work that way. If you want more than that, stay away from paid sexual encounters and spend time learning more about women and making more friends with some of them.
     
    Rehab101 likes this.
  14. xvtc ctvx

    xvtc ctvx Fapstronaut

    Okay, I see later on you explained that you tried dating several women and the relationships were not ideal. My concern about prostitutes is that it is not sustainable. I do not believe that there is anything inherently wrong with sex work or seeing a sex worker -- but to build a life with sex work as the exclusive means of sexual connection would be a drain on your bank account and psyche in the long run.

    You do have to invest a lot at the start of a traditional co-equal relationship. But as time goes on, you will naturally become more connected and the "cost" and "energy" needed to find the sex, love, intimacy will decrease with your partner. You will already know what your partner likes and vis-versa. You will already have shown you are high-quality and your partner will not require more of you to evaluate your worth. I see you are upset that women you have dated come across as self-centered or demanding. I am not sure who these women are. But in general, women can be difficult at first in courtship - especially getting to sex - because the risk of having a baby or threat of physical harm makes them this way biologically. It is always going to be the case that they will want indicators that you are high-quality. They shouldn't be demanding cash payments from you (like a hooker) but they may want you to show that you have your shit together before escalating things.

    As for prostitutes, you will constantly need to navigate through an ever-changing landscape of women, who will require more and more money as inflation rises. You will expose yourself to a lot of pain as you develop intimate feelings for women you see but they only see you as a customer and not a partner.

    I am single, have been for decades, so I know the pain of dating and not it not working out. But I have also seen plenty of escorts and been dealt more serious blows to my mental and physical health. From experience, I know prostitution is not a panacea to access guaranteed intimacy and love. I would encourage you not to give up on traditional relationships but certainly, don't feel shamed if you experiment with sex work if you are single and it is a safe situation.
     
  15. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

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    Women(and men) will hurt you no matter whether you date one or not. You can go to a bank and the cashier can be a rude woman or go to the gym and the woman who works out with you (in a group) can say: 'can't you even try this exercise?' though she knows you've injured your leg.

    These incidents happened to me. They may not be huge, but the point is people will hurt you. I've never been in a relationship, so I don't know whether it hurts or not. But every relation comes with some pain. A parent-child, sibling-sibling, friend-friend relation also has incidents where one person feels offended.

    The only relation that probably has no hurt for one person would be master-slave. Not sure I'd want to be in such a relation. But I also wouldn't want to be in one where I am hurt often.

    You're right in the sense that a relation can bring hurt, but maybe that's cause we're in the relation with the wrong kind of person. In that case, I'd say bullet dodged.

    I was about to visit a prostitute once, but then someone here advised me against it and I'm glad for it. Where I live, it's illegal, so there is a fear that one can be caught.
     
  16. Rene75

    Rene75 Fapstronaut

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    Hi, im in sort of the same dilema. Im busy with the reboot, only dont know how to continue afterwards.

    My last (long) relationship was 20 years ago, few years after that one for a few mounths. Then I got busy with work, education, getting a house, my own business etc making sure I can provide and have a stable situation. Suddenly im 40+ and when everything was in place (house and financialy debt free + some) I started to doubt the whole idea. Why risk everything? I never felt valued as a man, women were not interested (or worse) and looking around, the options are not that much and great anyway. That and seeing the problems others have with a PA as partner.

    I want to reboot and stay of matrubation and porn but at the same time dont want to loose my libido. I see that as the big motivator for life, without it i feel like its all pointless. I can already feel that from time to time if in flatline. The goal is not to be going to prostitues, but woudn't mind (or mayebe needed) if it helps me to stay clean and content.
     
  17. PeterJL

    PeterJL Fapstronaut

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    You mentioned #metoo crap a number of times. By that I am assuming you mean the danger of a false accusation.

    Well let me ask you this; what's stopping a prostitute from making a false accusation? How is that course of action any safer than dating someone who makes their own money some other way, and waiting to have sex with them until you know them really well and trust them? For that matter, how are you protecting yourself from false accusations from women who are just plain making the whole thing up?

    It would seem to me that there is no way for a man to really prevent this from happening. We just need to accept some baseline risk of an erroneous accusation as a fact of life, in much the same way that women (and men) must accept some baseline risk of actually becoming a victim.

    The only accusations that you can control are the ones that are NOT false. If you have self control issues and continue to visit prostitutes, I would think you may be putting yourself at risk for one of those.

    And you can control whether or not you choose to enjoy life, in spite of the risks.

    If you really enjoyed visiting prostitutes you wouldn't be asking us for permission, you would just do it. The fact you are asking tells me you already know it is a bad idea for you. That isn't bringing you happiness or fulfilling any of your needs.

    So stay strong. Call up your friend and tell her she was right. Apologize.

    As far as where do you go from there? That's up to you but I would recommend you go back to dating, but date with the GOAL of achieving long term/ lifelong celibate. Do what women do; flirt and date with absolutely no intention of putting out.

    Your new goal is simply to build the deepest emotional bond, the most trust, the best communication, the deepest love and the best partnership you could ever imagine. Find someone with whom you can feel happy and safe. Without the need for any physical connection beyond touching her face.

    Don't worry; you'll fail.
     
  18. AThinkingGuy

    AThinkingGuy Fapstronaut

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    You're wrong about thinking the prostitution thing is wrong. I became concerned only after reading about how NoFap often feels about it. It was my intention when I started NoFap to celebrate with prostitutes. I started NoFap to escape porn and masturbation, with that said I wanted greater control over my mind and body, so I embraced the Orgasm portion of it too.

    My friend....:emoji_cry: I'd be lying if I told her she was right. I'd be lying straight to her, and she knows me, and would probably know it was all a lie. I don't feel like I owe her an apology either, I don't feel like I did or said anything wrong. We are friends, I really miss talking to her.
     
  19. Luvspin68

    Luvspin68 Fapstronaut

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    From reading your story, it seems you have been VERY hurt by someone.
    I just sense a lot of anger and pain. Do you have a good relationship with your mom?
    Anyway, you seem to really have your life together. You take care of your health and sounds like your business is rocking.

    It seems you are very devoted to using prostitutes.
    If that is what you really love...... the endless variety, no emotional needs to worry about, and the dynamic of the woman there to do whatever you want ........... then by all means do that..........
    I guess just make sure you really don’t crave to be loved and known....... because you will end up feeling empty.

    Also, I think as you already said, you will view normal women as inferior......a normal girlfriend won’t be wearing exotic lingerie every night, and just be there to serve all your needs.

    ...... so you will be bored and sexually unhappy.

    Monogamy is certainly not for everyone.

    You know yourself well.

    Do what’s in your heart.

    I wish you luck on your journey.
     
  20. PeterJL

    PeterJL Fapstronaut

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    1. Did you notice our counters are in sync? Day 27. Let's keep it that way. Don't let me down and I won't let you down.

    2. I'm not a fan of the term "wrong". There is a difference between being factually incorrect, making a moralistic judgement, and simply not being in agreement with someone else.

    With regards to moralistic judgement:
    It is simply not my place or intention to pass any moralistic judgement on you if you wish to visit prostitutes. I only want you to find joy and a sense of peace.

    With regards to matters of fact:
    I'm not sure we have discussed any.

    With regards to disagreement:
    It seems to me that where we may disagree is in whether or not visiting prostitutes makes you happy for any appreciable length of time. If it brings you no joy, yet you do it anyway, this is simply another addiction.

    Only you would know what truly makes you happy, but I would ask you to ask yourself the question.

    Because you tell me you miss talking to your friend, you do not mention prostitutes in the same way.
     

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