After a year I'm back...we're on a break. Now what?

Sunflower80 · Jun 19, 2017

I found this site over a year ago when my SO confessed his addiction. We had a couple of breakups but we ultimately decided to give another try, to deal with this together last July. It has bee a rocky year, but a couple of weeks ago we took a mini vacation and we had the best time in along time. I thought we had made so much progress l! We had good conversations. We were in touch like before. We come back home and within a day he's back to the same old routine. Going on short trips to Reno jus to go to bars and clubs .this devastated me. I sent this a heartfelt text asking him why he had given me hope that things would get better? I told him to take the weekend to think it over. Come Monday he tells me he has to be alone. That he talked with his therapist (who he has been seeing every two weeks for over a year)and it was best if he wasn't in a relationship at this time because our relationship was causing him too much stress. So we decided to go on a break. Rules are I don't contact him. He can contact me. I came up with this because I have been the one to reach out to him first in our previous breakups. Even though this is just a break I wanted to be strong for myself. I was a mess so I don't remember if we agreed that he would keep me updated once a week or once a month. I think it was once a month. It's been a week today. I have not heard from him and I'm dying! Every day I have triggers that cause panic attacks. Not as bad as our previous breakups but still bad. What I want to know is, am I kidding myself? We've been "together" over 8 years. We didn't live together. And due to his addiction we hadn't had sex until a couple of months ago. We were both virgins. Believe it or not I was 33 and he was 36 when we finally did it. Is there hope for us? I'm trying my best not to contact him. But it's really hard. I'm afraid he will never contact me. Or that he needs me and I'm not there for him. I don't know what to do. For now I'm just keeping busy. Not easy to do when my heart and mind are with him. Any advice?

42Oh · Jun 21, 2017

Wow. Very sorry to hear about all you're going through. It's hard to say what you "should" do because every situation is different. But here are a couple of things i think you should consider.

First, he is an addict. Not just porn, it sounds like he may do other stuff as well. But lets just call him a sex addict. It sounds to me as though he has not fully accepted or acknowledged this. He's still keeping secrets from you, and seems resistant to accepting constraints on his behavior. He appears willing to risk his relationship with you rather than confront his addiction.

Second, it sounds like he is an out of control addict. He does not seem to have committed to any sort of recovery plan. His shrink may or may not be treating him for addiction, but if he's serious about recovery and he wants to keep you in his life, he needs to tell you whats going on.

So...youre in a relationship with an out of control addict. What should you do?

Well...first of all....it would not be unreasonable for you to just cut and run. Even if he fully accepts that he is an addict and commits to recovery, and even if he commits to keeping your relationship alive, this will be a difficult and sometimes painful journey for you, if you choose to stay with him.

Again, that's EVEN IF he were to accept his condition and commit to a recovery that includes you in his life. And it doesnt seem like he has.

If he's serious about recovery and the relationship, he SHOULD be willing to include you in the process instead of shutting you out. He SHOULD be transparent and open about what he's doing. He SHOULD be willing to be held accountable for his actions.

Only you can judge whether this relationship is valuable enough to you that you're willing to keep going. But, in my view, he is not doing the things that a recovering addict should be doing at tbis point to save the relationship.

Sunflower80 · Jun 21, 2017

Thanks 420h. I started reading "Love you,Hate the Porn" and as I was reading I realized this book described exactly what our relationship has been like after he confessed his addiction. So, what did I do? I contacted him because I was so happy I had found a tool to help us. But he says he stilll needs time. Time to work on himself "so that he can be in a relationship with me". I tried to get him to see that it's better if we stay together and deal with this together. He said that he thinks its best that he follow what his therapist (his porn addiction is being addressed) suggested, which is to be alone for now, instead of a book I just read. Which hurt, but makes sense too. I can tell he's afraid of continuing the cycle. Us being okay for a while but then he will do something (like going to clubs, bars, going in trips with the guys instead of spending time with me. He hasn't cheated on me (besides watching porn) and I do believe him) that triggers me to send him long texts about how much he hurts me. I get it. He also said he really wants to face this on his own. Because it was only last year that he Started to deal with it. He told me he's not ready to be a husband or to start a family. I know he's angry at me for telling him that I want more from him. But what I want from him he can't provide right now. This is all so confusing! I hate that he's pushing me away. I hate that he can't see that I'm making the decision to go through this with him, that I know it will be painful but I'm willing to go through with it FOR HIM for US. I hate that I can't just walk away.

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After a year I'm back...we're on a break. Now what?

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