After 90 Days: Porn addiction and Avoidant Attachment style

You and I have very similar partners. I read a lot about avoidant attachment disorder and my partner has that as well. Often times I think people believe that the addiction leads to avoidant attachment. In my case it was the opposite he had the avoidant attachment, would led him to the porn. My partner's inability to think of others is astounding and I don't mean just me. I am not sure of the solution, but what I have learned with him is that if you point things out to him, a light bulb comes on. It is almost like no one ever told him these things before and he is open to learning and growing. The counselor has said he may never be able to give me the emotional intimacy that I need 100% but that she thinks we can meet somewhere in the middle. He does not do many things on purpose, he just views things very differently because of his disorder. He never turns me down for sex but I have been in relationships where that happened to me so I know how horrible that feels. He will always have sex with me he just never initiates and I think that is more about him being nervous about whether or not he will have DE, and being turned down by exes in the past, that can really scar people.

 

Congrats on your 90 days. What start to happen after the addiction symptoms start going away is other issues that were below the surface start to become noticeable. Those issues are sometimes what made porn so attractive to people. I have had trouble initiating sex both before and after getting help for my problem. My wife has pointed out that I may have some Aspergers (or High Functioning Aspergers) symptoms. I have never given thought to the Attachment Disorder theory. I will check it out.

 

We are engaged but with no set wedding date. I wish I could answer that question for myself. I ask it all the time. For me it's more the fear that if we do marry he will relapse as so many men so. I will not marry mine until the sex is at a point that it is something I can live with for life. And until he gets much better with the emotional stuff. I do agree women are by nature more intuitive and generally more able to put others first, but what my partner has is not simple men are from mars women are from Venus it's much worse and it's in life not just us. Like I would say things like well don't you think maybe your sister, your Dad, fill in the blank feels X and this light went on he never had. He had a very demanding and controlling Mother.

 

I'd like to add here that attachment styles are not disorders. They're styles. Like some people have handwriting that tilts left or right. Tilting left isn't bad, nor is tilting right good.

It's likely that if you're with an avoidant, you're anxious. Having anxious attachment style is not a disorder either, but there are problems that go along with it. It's something we have to accept - if we have an insecure attachment style, we have to figure out how to make it work with the other person. Porn for an avoidant or disorganized attachment kind of person may serve as a way to keep a distance, which is normal for them. Taking it personally is a choice, and something that somebody on the anxious side of the spectrum (like me) has to take responsibility for.

Definitely overuse or addiction to porn can hurt relationships, but so can having unrealistic expectations of the kind of intimacy somebody in a partnership is "supposed" to show. The anxious one is typically the one with higher intimacy needs, which is technically a bit unfair. Good to try to find a balance. And honestly, an avoidant who is even willing to go to therapy with you is quite a bit step!

 

I have to disagree with you there. I agree that everyone had different types of attachment styles. But that theory just means two people with different ones may not fit together so if you need more intimacy while it may be unrealistic with particular partners it does not mean you won't find it with others. Some people suffer from avoidant personality disorder which is an extreme version of the attachment style and an actual medical diagnosis. The difference being that unless that individual is able to make significant changes it is unlikely they will find happiness with any partner because the disorder itself makes them incapable of having healthy relationships no matter what the other persons attachment style is. You have to be careful of course with diagnosing someone who may just be different than their partner. However you also have to be careful with failing to diagnose when it is called for particularly when that individual has failed at multiple relationships, with partners with differing attachment styles. Th type of thinking you propose leaves a that person believing they need not change that the right one will come and leaves them alone in the end. No matter the attachment style a certain level of intimacy is required for all relationships and this with avoidant personality disorder cannot usually even get to that basic level.

 

Oh right, yeah attachment style versus personality disorders. If you think personality disorders are valid/reliable "medical diagnoses." In mental health the person has to subjectively believe their manner of thinking/feeling/behavior is causing functional impairments or significant distress for any diagnosis to fit though, so again there are plenty of people who, for a variety of reasons, may just have a personality built on a dose of nature/nurture, that makes them not really like what 99% of people call intimacy, all that much. I have a somewhat existential view on psychology though, and one that looks critically at the DSM with certain things such as personality disorders. Even schizofrenia has something like a 60% inter-rater reliability rating. Most PDs have lower from what I remember. Either way, it's never, ever a good thing to tack a patholigizing label on a person using DSM language, based on traits you're observing, as a means to at worst, villify them, or at best, make them change. And at the end of the day, a person avoidant of intimacy and love will have to discover on their own that their personality is hurting them, and take proactive steps to address it. If somebody else tries to get them on that course it'll backfire almost indefinitely.

 

I agree with you in that someone avoidant of intimacy will have to discover that this is hurting them on their own. I think partners can tell them how it effects them and counselors can suggest things to them but ultimately they have to first want to change and then actually be able to do it. I think that's really really difficult. And you should never be in a relationship with someone solely hoping they will change. I think people with this disorders or avoidances are best to fix themselves before entering into relationships. But unfortunately most have no idea they have this issue until they get into a relationship. As a partner of a man with this diagnosis who either can't or won't change I think it's best for him to be alone to fix it. I don't want to use my psych degree in my relationship I'm just tired. I want a normal mentally healthy partner. I'm sorry if that sounds selfish I'm just tired.

 

If he can't feel or express them that's a bad sign.

 

If you avoid feelings you never learn from your mistakes nor do you develop empathy or compassion.

 

I am dealing with exactly the same issue in my relationship :-( Now we're already over 100 days PMO-free, but he is unable or unwilling to open up. At the beginning of his reboot I was so angry, because I thought he was lying by not disclosing stuff to me. We have spent endless days/evenings/nights TRYING to discuss stuff, anything really. As soon as the topic even touches anything feeling-oriented, he freezes in what looks like a painful throat-grabbing, head-bursting agony. I started to be avoidant around him (I'm typically more anxious and sometimes even quite secure). My avoidance comes from trauma, I guess. Self-preservation mode. I, however, have no problems disclosing most deep secrets to him, opening up about anything and everything, initiating connection and intimacy, asking for sex, saying what I like/want/need. These concepts seem foreign to him. He just gets angry with me or himself and goes into either a frozen state of being totally unable to speak, or starts rationalizing/blaming/attacking everything and everyone outside of himself... or, of course, there's the "I'm so f***ed up" reaction, so that's supposed to explain everything. I am so tired of waiting for my BF to show up as a man. I feel like a roommate or mother to him most of the time. I have sent him some Intimacy Anorexia material to study, but I'm not sure how he will even implement it. He can't even say "I love you" without lowering his voice as to not show me too much emotion. He does try very hard in most areas we are working on, but I have a feeling there is something he simply can't grasp or feel or understand about intimacy and being emotionally open (available). I now understand perfectly how and why he ended up PMOing for most of his life. It's sad :-( There are days I am completely broken and feel hopeless about this issue. Yesterday I said something horrible to him. I said "I would take an emotionally healthy PMOing guy over you anytime! At least porn can be fixed." I know I shouldn't have said that, but I was so desperate and sad and tired and helpless... I'm still unsure if we will survive as a couple, and it's not going to be because of his PMO past. It would most likely be caused by me suffocating in this emotional desert.

 

Here are some thoughts about Intimacy Anorexia vs Sexual Addiction

 

In the last year, I have come to the realization that I'm anxious attachment style. I also believe with age it became worse. I'm 52 in premenopause and anxiety increases. Leaning about Attachment has help me reduce my anxiety. Understanding I'm not being abandoned, it's nothing I did wrong. Reminding myself.. I dreamt of the perfect relationship a love like no others. I craved it, addicted to finding it. Using sex as a means of feeling loved. I'm in a relationship with an avoidant, or so I believe. He has some but not all the traits. In the beginning he wouldn't stop kissing me, was sexual but not intimate sexual. Than it stopped. I wasn't aware of the attachment styles at that time. My behavior was fell blown anxious and communicated in an unsecured matter. Making it more about me. We broke up shortly after. I began therapy. We got back just after three months. It's been 11 months and we haven't had sex.
Recently we had an argument in which he left and of course distant himself. For the first time, I didn't get anxious, I didn't have fear of abandonment. I thought about the last 11 months. Everything we have done, traveling, Texas, Utah, Maine, Massachusetts. How great we are as companions, so much in common, out door activities, eating habits, sleeping habits. How gentle and kind he is. How he does so many other things, small things that most people wouldn't notice. I'm starting to believe that is his way of loving me. He's affectionate with boundaries. Loves to snuggle, holds me at night, quick kisses. Every now and then allows a romantic one. All of this is so important to me. I know my sexual desires are not for intimacy, it's because I believed sex is love. love is what I crave. But the first time in my life. I found love but it's not the love I was looking for. As I have the time to think (partner being in distant mode). I wonder if I accept who I am, with the knowledge and understanding, can I be happy with my companion? I love him. I understand his need to pull away. I'm sure if I was a younger age, I wouldn't be able too. But, today, the companion partnership is more important to me than the intimacy. or am i just being a fool?

 

Only you can answer that. I think as women age (I am 40) their sexual desires are not as strong and so I can see that companionship is more important to you at your stage in life. But some women your age also still crave sex a lot. Only you know what makes you happy, and if no sex makes you happy then there is nothing wrong with that. But I think if you were with someone who gave you everything you needed, you may be more inclined to say you are being a fool now. It almost like it sounds like you are settling. Even at age 40 I have many female friends who would love to have a husband that never wants sex, their desire is gone. Are they fools, probably not. Sex is different for everyone. For me it is a physical desire and a need I have in a relationship. When I am older that may not be the case, but for now I cannot settle for years that lack passion and good sex.

 

If you dead sexually at 40 that's a problem.

 

40 isn't old. 40 isn't even middle aged.

 

52 isn't old either.

 

I agree with you but I also recognize that different people have different libidos and some may be okay with no sex again. It's perplexing to me but I'm not them. The question is is she happy or is she settling?