Affairs and masturbation

Apologies if I overstepped bro.

To answer your originalM question: to curb your urges you have to realize that they are going to happen and that you can move beyond them. You need a strategy in place for coping with them. Ex:
"If i get the urge to watch porn or get on a hook-up app, I'm going to immediately stop, drop and do push-ups until the urge passes.mif that doesn't work, I'm going to go outside and take a quick walk."

It also helps to avoid things that may provide stilulation: being online (ads and stuff), social media, movies with sex scenes, etc.

Have a plan. That's the gist.

 

Frankly, I dont care if he asked or not. My stance remains the same and I would say the same to anyone who has had sexual contact outside of their marriage. My concern isn't for the addict at this point. This is a very real health risk for both he and his wife. She has every right to know.

 

And that is EXACTLY why you shouldn’t be commenting, and EXACTLY why there is pushback on this thread.

 

Ok, since some SOs insist on derailing the thread, I’m going to start this off by saying that no matter what they think, there are things you never have to tell anyone regarding the depths to which you’ve fallen. Especially if you’re not sure that spilling your guts won’t ultimately lose the one you love anyway. It is of my personal experience as a recovering addict that as long as you are truthful to your spouse that you have a problem and want to get better, there are some things that you needn’t divulge unless it’s actually going to help. None of us know your situation better than you, so it’s going to be on you to decide what you need to divulge that will be of benefit to your future with your wife. For a non-addict to insist on full disclosure to someone whose situation they really don’t know anything about smacks of projection and frustration with their own life/situation. Sorry to entertain the derailment, but I couldn’t help but point out the obvious one more time.

Ok, now let’s talk about the actual subject at hand. So we’re dealing with urges, correct? The mindset that our addicted brains tried to tell us was that the longer we go without sexual satisfaction, the more our bodies “need” that satisfaction. What I didn’t realize for over 20 years and up until the beginning of this year was that my constant feed of porn and all things sexual was what was actually fueling these urges, not the time spent away from them. So to take the power away from these urges, the obvious solution is to reboot, right? Well obvious doesn’t always mean easy, and rebooting is a perfect example of that. There are things you need to go into a reboot knowing; an actual schematic if you will. Otherwise, you’ll be white knuckling it the whole time. These are the things that got me over 140 days of abstinence and a whole new outlook on life.

1. You need a prime motivation. Mine personally was that I developed PIED (porn induced erectile dysfunction). Facing potential impotence made me determined to beat this sickness. I know your deal isn’t PIED, for now. It took years before this finally happened to me, so don’t think it can’t eventually happen to you. So maybe that’s a good enough motivation for you, maybe you need something completely different. But you need to find something that pretty much makes you see this stuff for the crippling drug it is.

2. And this is probably the most important thing. This has to be a complete lifestyle change. Not a “well I’m going to cut out porn/sex and twiddle my thumbs hoping I don’t relapse”. No, you have to find a new passion in life. One that motivates you to focus on life itself to the point where you forget about porn. All these counters and challenges are window dressing to the main goal. It’s about being someone else. When you spend enough time living life, you’ll see how little grip the urges will have on you.

3. Recognize the dopamine fix. During my first 90 days, there would be times where I was on cloud 9 and then times where I felt out of control. Towards the end of my first 90 days, I started to see a correlation between times of stress, pain, lack of sleep, etc., and those intense urges. And as I fought them off, and got back to a better state of well being (plenty of sleep, injury subsided, getting back on a workout regimen, all of the things that make me feel naturally good), the urges disappeared. It’s very important to recognize that your brain sometimes tricks you into thinking it needs things when you just need to squash that dopamine fix at the root cause.

I’m telling you, if you can pull away from the toxic lifestyle for a long enough time, it will get easier and easier. Soon you’ll see that you were just in a much different mindset. But you’ve got to do the work. When you’re really ready to do it, it’s right there waiting. Best of luck to you!

 

Since I seem to be the target by a couple of guilt ridden addicts today, I'll assume this was directed at me, so I'll respond , but it will be my last in this thread because I don't like beating a dead horse. (Start cheering now.)

Let me start by saying there is no projection or frustration about my own situation in my posts here. My husband has never had physical sexual contact with anyone else during our 20+ year marriage. My health is not at risk because of choices he made. The same cannot be said for sure about the OP's wife. And judging from the backlash I've been getting for saying so, it seems that may be the case for a few others here as well.

I never said full disclosure was in order. In fact, I agree that in many cases it is probably best not to go into too many details. However, physical cheating changes things. When that happens, that involves so much more than just emotions. Women can be rendered sterile from STDs, or worse, especially if left untreated. HPV is an STD that causes uterine cancer, and the vaccine only protects against 4 of the over 100 known strains of it. (Granted, they are the most common types.) Many decline the vaccine due to (documented) potentially severe side effects.

It is very clear to me that the attacks I have received are from addicts defending and preserving their own addict behavior. I have not offered the OP any other advice because, as has been pointed out, I am a non-addict and have nothing to offer in that way.

Attack me all you want, I will stand my ground that his wife should be notified immediately of the possible health risks she faces.

The floor is open. Fire away.

 

Before the thread gets locked, I'll say this is one sensitive area where I fully agree with @EyesWideOpen.

Yeah, I get all that, but when the OP asked for help with his triggers, he revealed some much deeper things going on that are a bit more severe and pressing. It isn't unreasonable to bring that up.

I'm going to piss some people off for this analogy, but here we go anyway: imagine if someone said, "hey guys, I've been sexually abusing my little sister for the past year. How can I get a handle on these urges?" And then suppose someone said, "You must get help and turn yourself in. You are sexually assaulting your sister and it's going to cause her damage for decades to come." And then imagine he said, "dude, that's none of your business. I came here to get advice on my urges, not to be shamed for what I'm doing with my sister."

That would be completely ridiculous, right? And yet, that's essentially what we have here. Is it criminal? No. But there is clearly a victim here. The OP's wife deserves to know. I think I can safely speak for @EyesWideOpen when I say we both hope he gets better and finds healing. But healing from addiction doesn't happen by keeping secrets from your spouse, period. Especially secrets of this nature.

If you've exchanged vows with someone that you'd always be faithful and honest, you owe it to them to confess when you've broken those vows. Do you have to tell them? Of course not--but you can no longer call yourself a person of integrity.

 

@SuperFan i respect all the things you have written, how you’ve conducted yourself here, and what you are trying to do now. I understand your analogy, even though it’s a poor one, because the two offenses are not at all alike.

As to the disclosure, that’s not even the issue in need of moderation. People have said it throughout the thread, the point has been made. What’s at issue, is a person inviting comment in a painful area of their life, and being treated with rude judgement. To talk over them, as though they are not even present, to say “frankly I don’t care”, to prioritize your own agenda over his need - these things are wrong. Aren’t you concerned that I’ve received pm’s from 3 other users now (plus me) saying they won’t use this section of the forum for just these reasons? I’m hoping admin can address this fairly. No one has been attacked, I’ve not mentioned any name but one in the beginning of the thread when there was some confusion about position. It’s crazy that the very group of people who advocated the “calling out of bs” can’t handle a fair criticism of behaviour themselves.

I hope this thread isn’t locked, myself. There may be people around who can yet be helpful and supportive.

Edited to add - and the fact that the OP did draw a clear boundary layer in the thread that was treated with such disregard makes this all the more concerning. A person who doesn’t respect boundaries is also not acting with integrity.

 

I think this is fair enough. It's a 'rebooting in a relationship' forum and not the 'rebooting forum or a private journal. If the OP was like "ok noted but can we talk about my actual question?" that would be fine (and this is basically what he said). Any thread hijacking was - and @Hazel Simone I think we have a mutual respect for each other, so this isn't an attack - when it turned into an argument between posters.

So anyway, let's stop the fussin' and the feudin' ("I love you Cletus!") and allow the OP to reclaim his thread.

 

That’s a LOT of reaching and digression right there. You’ve not been attacked, you inserted yourself into a discussion long over and in fact targeted me. You’ve yet to answer my argument, except to say you don’t care to respect the boundary the OP has drawn.

Any sensible person can read what’s going on here. I’m not arguing for the sake of arguing, I think this is a real issue that needs proper attention by moderators. You appearing to dig yourself in for a dog fight as you’ve done in this post is odd, because again, nothing going on here is actually about you! I agree with @AverageBear to let the OP have his thread back.

 

No, my issue is with this idea that some of you think you have such a grasp on everyone else’s situation, but you don’t. Furthermore, you’re not even trying to offer advice, rather you’re just airing your own grievances to addicts for hurting their partners. Maybe in your mind, that’s helping the OP’s question somehow? But I can tell you that it’s not. At all. There are plenty of threads in this section designed to vent about the damage this has caused the SO. This wasn’t one of them. Yet the shaming continues to bleed over into nearly every thread.

I will say this. At least you made the specification that full disclosure isn’t always necessary, but trust me when I say that wasn’t the tone you set in the beginning.

And I’ll retract my assumption that you must be projecting because that’s just lowering myself to the level of making assumptions about other people’s lives. Your further assumption that the addicts calling you out must all be putting their wives’ health at risk made me realize how bush league that angle is, so I apologize for going there myself.

 

Fair, but the two offenses are alike in the following ways:

• they both involve compulsive sexual behavior
• they both create a victim
• that victim will suffer serious emotional distress for years (as evidenced by the SOs in these forums).

I guess we could say, "his wife will never suffer if she never finds out." But they always do.

And look, I'm not pointing a finger @Jizzle123. I never confessed my infidelities to my wife. I had to be discovered. But my (now ex-) wife, the SOs here, and literally every other SO I've ever spoken to has said the same thing with 100% consistency: "The behavior was bad ... but nothing destroyed me more than the lying."

When I encourage @Jizzle123 to tell his wife, I'm not sitting in a place of moral judgment and superiority. I'm imploring him to not do the same thing to his wife and marriage that I did to mine. I can't change my past, but I can be a cautionary tale to others. Think of me as a paraplegic telling an auditorium of high school students why they shouldn't text and drive.

 

Nothing you have said is anything I have issue with, but the things I have issue with you have failed to address entirely. Why is that?

 

I'm not sure what you're referring to. My very first post in this thread included a defense of the OP from what I felt was a judgmental comment. I agree with you that a place like this needs as little judgment as possible. What are the issues I 'have failed to address'?

We're all free moral agents here, and we're all trying our best to help. Sometimes our attempts to help might be off-course from what the OP is asking, and that's okay. The important thing, I think, is that if we go there, we need to be respectful. As I've said to
@EyesWideOpen in another thread, I don't think it helps anyone to try and 'hold them accountable' when that isn't what they've asked for. But sometimes OPs are better helped when we offer something more than what they're asking.

Imagine a post that said, "hey guys, I'm new here and I can't stop watching porn. What are some practical tools you guys use to keep yourselves from watching?" You'd get the usual 'practical' responses--filters, blocks, moving the computer to a more visible area, not using a laptop in private, snapping a rubber band on your wrist, etc.--but almost without fail, you'd eventually find an experienced Fapstronaut who would say something like, "I encourage you to think about the deeper reasons you use porn in the first place. What emotional state are you typically in when it happens? What vulnerabilities or thought processes are there before you even make the first click?" That isn't what the OP asked for--but it's insightful, and it's something the OP needs to hear.

 

I understand your position better, thank you, and I think we are in agreeance on some things. But on the issue of determining what a person “needs” and imposing it on them when they’ve indicated it’s not welcome, we appear to disagree.

If you were having this conversation in person, and someone said, “that’s not your business”, would you continue to impose your view on them? How is this any different? I just don’t understand how you appear to be excusing this. It is actually hurting people here. And this isn’t a crusade, or any such by myself. I have only engaged with people who have questioned my posts directly. I don’t understand how anything I’ve said has been deemed an attack. It’s odd to me that you have become an apologist for other people here. I would like to see good intent in what they are doing, but it’s difficult.

I did ask you some direct questions in my post to you, you may have missed them but please read it again, and if you would answer I’d appreciate it.

 

Fapstronaut. Testing testing, 123 ...

So odd. I swear I wrote "Fapstronaut" in my post. Either NoFap automatically changed it to Fapstronaut, which means NoFap now has autocorrect abilities, or a mod actually went in and edited my post, which is kind of worrisome.

EDIT: Sure enough, the word "N o F a p p e r" gets automatically changed here. How odd.

 

I've scrolled through all of your previous posts that either quoted me or tagged me, and this is the only direct question I can find:

No, I'm not concerned.

If it were none of my business, it strikes me as odd that they'd even tell me the details about it in the first place. And yes, if I was having this same conversation in person, I would say, "look, I know you don't want me talking to you about this, but this is a bigger issue than you're making it out to be." I would ask, for instance, if the affairs included unprotected sex--which is clearly none of my business. If the answer was "yes", I would strongly encourage that he go and get a full screening immediately. If anything came back positive, then not only would I encourage him to tell his wife, but in most states, he would be obligated to tell her by law. If he refused to do those things, I would respectfully decline to help him or offer advice.

It's no different than seeing a panhandler on the side of the road. They want money. But if I offer, say, a sandwich, or a ride to the local homeless shelter, they decline almost 100% of the time. They want help, but they only want it on their terms, and that's just not how help works ... at least, not help that's actually helpful.

[sarcasm]Meanwhile, the OP's wife is just sitting there unaffected by any of this, amiright? She's not being hurt at all, apparently.[/sarcasm]

And yes, exactly. I'm excusing people like @EyesWideOpen because she recognizes that this is hurting people. That's why she has felt compelled to say all the things she's said (correct me if I'm wrong, Eyes).

I'm an apologist for all. I don't discriminate in that regard. In my first comment, I was an apologist for the OP by explaining how an addict can cheat on his wife and still love her. In fact, I've defended a lot of adulterers in these forums on that front, because I've been there myself.

But recovery is hard work, and rarely does an addict have the will and desire to push through on his own. He almost always needs outside help in the form of a support group, therapist, or accountability partner to call out BS and help him break through denial. So on that front, I'm also an apologist for people who do their best to help in that regard. I'm guessing the OP doesn't have anyone in his life who challenges him the way @EyesWideOpen has in this thread. And while I have agreed that her tone has been judgmental in some comments, I believe her intentions are pure.

Furthermore, I think addicts need to see and feel the pain that SOs endure, even if it comes through as projection. I've heard addicts tell stories in SAA meetings that make me feel horrible for their wives ... and then I suddenly have to realize that I often did similar things to my own wife. Hearing someone else's pain can, at times, wake us up and help us see our situation in a new light. So I'm also an apologist for Eyes because I don't think it's fair (or helpful) to deny the OP that perspective.

 

You have a unique perspective and I have no argument with you, although our understanding of appropriate engagement in this section is still clearly different. Unlike you, I AM concerned that people can’t post and get support here because of SOs derailing and judging. Yes, there is hurt that addicts are causing but they will come to that realization themselves through the recovery process. People can only deal with so much at one time, and I don’t think it’s fair (or helpful) to an OP to ignore their issue or redirect them to something they are not yet ready to deal with, when you barely know their circumstance at all.

I will disengage and hope the moderators can determine what is appropriate for this section.

 

@SuperFan ’s perspective is not that unique. I’m very much agreeing with his points.

I hate to come across as somebody undermining addiction, but when it escalates to cheating, then cheating becomes the primary problem. Cheating is abuse and lying to cover it up increases the severity of concequences WHEN it all gets discovered.

 

@Jizzle123 I know I said my last post was my last but I feel compelled to respond.

I want to make clear that in no way was I judging you. I never once made a comment about moral code or content of character. I did not offer advice on what you asked because as a SO, I have nothing to offer in that way so I left that up to others who do.

What I did offer was an insight to a major health issue. Nothing more, nothing less. I did not give a judgement on your affairs, but I vehemently stressed the importance and seriousness of putting loved ones at risk by not disclosing medical information.

Stick around and don't let our squabbles chase you away. They happen from time to time. Visit other forums on this site, as well as this one, and you'll find a wealth of information and support here. It's one big happy dysfunctional family.