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Affairs and masturbation

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Jizzle123, Nov 5, 2017.

  1. Jizzle123

    Jizzle123 Fapstronaut

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    Married for 7 years: Please help with your input. I have tried quitting porn before. I have noticed as the days pass for lack of better words I turn into a “dog”. I constantly flirt with women and have even had multiple affairs. It’s like masturbation curbs my animal instincts. Have others had this happen to them as well and in which ways have you built up your will power. Replies will be greatly appreciated.
     
    MerseyPhoenix likes this.
  2. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

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    I have a few things to say here, and please don't get me wrong - I know very well how hard of an addiction this is to break. It destroys relationships, and it destroys how you can get through your daily life. It destroys how your brain functions.

    First of all: Is your wife aware of your affairs? If not, you need to own up. Now. Today. There is no excuse for infidelity, I don't care how horny you are. I'm sorry to be blunt, but clearly, your wife doesn't mean much to you. If you care about her at all, please let her be the one to make the decision on whether or not she is willing to put up with this. Let her leave if that is what she needs.

    Secondly, I'd highly recommend analyzing yourself very, very deeply here. How does it make you feel to be less of a man and more of an animal? Do you really think that is who you are? You can be a man without having to have sexual urges. Sex is a means of reproduction, that's all. Yes, we as humans have turned it into a method of stress relief and pleasure, but really, it only has one purpose. In my honest opinion, a good way to help you gain perspective would be to remind yourself that it isn't necessary to orgasm or ejaculate in order to survive. You are not an animal. You can be a man.

    I think you would benefit from some pretty heavy counseling. Also, please invite your wife to join this site if she is already aware and trying to cope with the emotions she is going through. When affairs are involved, the trauma is all the worse. I feel so sorry that you cannot be faithful to your wife without porn. This is so sad.
     
  3. MerseyPhoenix

    MerseyPhoenix Fapstronaut

    Don't agree with much of that @WantsToBelieve ,

    Totally relate to the original post. What you're doing is taking your approach from the screen to the street. You'r e making P of the real world and that is totally understandable. Your brain is finding the path of least resistance. What I discovered was you cannot sustain that kind of infidelity, either mentally or really. You can't remember the asses you've clocked on the street and you physically can't date everyone you meet who is attractive to you. This is where P comes in. P banks everything for your pleasure. It photographs and films things you want to see and then you can keep them and use them when you want to. Quit P and you will have these images simply flowing through you then dying like Snapchat. there's no other way.
     
  4. Agree. You are merely replacing the porn addiction. With another type of sex addiction. Porn doesn't "curb your urges." It makes them worse. You need to have a serious talk with your wife and find a Therapsit.
     
  5. J. Fylz

    J. Fylz Fapstronaut

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    Yes I have the same issues...for a while I thought that jerking off and watching porn was keeping me faithful. The issue is this cycle keeps the mind on the loop of self gratification without involving your spouse. This keeps the fantasies coming and does nothing to strengthen your marriage. I keeps a level of secrecy that actually makes it easier to cheat. We are both in the right place brother!
     
  6. MerseyPhoenix

    MerseyPhoenix Fapstronaut

    So relate to that.
     
  7. J. Fylz

    J. Fylz Fapstronaut

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    I am so happy to have found this place!! It’s such a lonely addiction...even when involving others sexually. It all ends up leaving you feel hollow and alone.
     
  8. phuck-porn!

    phuck-porn! Fapstronaut

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    Roger that. So much.
     
  9. J. Fylz

    J. Fylz Fapstronaut

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    Got to blow the doors right off this mother!!! Bring it out into the light...out into the open were we can trample it under foot so it can’t grow any more.
     
    Spiff and Knighthawk like this.
  10. True-Self

    True-Self Fapstronaut

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    huh? What part of what she said did you not agree with? Wouldn't you want to know if your SO had had multiple affairs?!
    Also Therapy seems like a good idea to me too. The OP has some serious work to do and we most definitely benefit from getting help from a professional.
     
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2017
  11. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @noexcuses - I don't quite think it's "understandable" to have an affair. Ever. Period. Your username fits you well. I don't think I've ever seen you make an excuse. OP has much to learn from you.

    I'd also love to know why an affair would be considered "the path of least resistance". @cheshirelife51 can you clarify what you mean by that? From the perspective of an SO, that is very painful to read. I would think he could resist having a literal physical affair by remembering the vows he made to his wife. Most men separate it because they don't see P as a form of cheating.
     
    Hopefulgirl likes this.
  12. Jdawg247

    Jdawg247 Fapstronaut

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    An affair is NOT the answer. I myself had a single affair at the 7 year mark. My wife and I grew apart, stopped having sex, I started watching porn, found someone else and went down a bad path. An affair can be very addicting and will temporarily satisfy your needs... but is absolutely the wrong answer in ANY committed relationship!

    FYI I told my wife,
    We went to counseling and made it through some very tough times. We have 4 Great kids and we still have our ups and downs.. we are currently on year 15 of marriage. Neither of us has had any other affairs.

    Tell your wife about the affairs (which may end your relationship), get a counselor both alone and together to help figure out more about the reason your having an affair. I would have to say it is most likely not just stopping porn only.. there are probably many more underlying reasons yet discovered.
     
  13. Saskia Simone

    Saskia Simone Fapstronaut

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    Sometimes when I read people’s advice to one another here I sense a heap of projection going on. Especially, to be honest, from the SO’s. The tone is SO judgey, they cannot separate their own hurt from what another man or woman is doing in a completely different relationship. Advocating 100% honesty on such little information is not good advice. Just stop already. The OP asked for the perspective of other addicts who are in similar situations, not soap boxing and pontification.

    That’s all from me. Sorry, OP I have nothing to add to your original post.
     
  14. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

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    @Hazel Simone then he needs to bring this to a section of the forum that his relationship can be seen as irrelevant from his PA issues. I simply stated something I believe to be a subjective truth in relationships. Affairs are never justified. 100% honesty is always a requirement. Nor am I projecting. Yes, I did judge a little. But why shouldn't i? I'd judge anyone who thinks they are justified in breaking their vows. I am not married, FYI. I felt that his wife deserves better than this situation and wanted OP to be mindful of that. I'll F off now though, I can tell constructive criticism is doing no good here.
     
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  15. Saskia Simone

    Saskia Simone Fapstronaut

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    I didn’t read justification for his actions in his post - he is aware of his failings and in fact called himself a “dog”.

    There is no such thing as a subjective truth. Either something is true, or it is not. I’m glad you noted that what you said was your opinion or belief. Even so, it wasn’t what was called for. I didn’t write so that you would “f off”, but just so you’d THINK. Here’s a man, aware of his failings, asking for help from others who have gone before him and can relate. Yes, it’s a public post and there is no restriction on who can comment, but the sanctimony of SO’s who chime in with judgement grates sometimes.
     
  16. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    I do not see any SO replies to this thread.....
     
  17. Saskia Simone

    Saskia Simone Fapstronaut

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    @WantsToBelieve identifies herself as such, in one of her above posts.
     
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2017
  18. Jdawg247

    Jdawg247 Fapstronaut

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    I suggested telling his wife. This may or may not be best for them. But if his wife finds out from someone other than him it will be much worse. Plus if he tells his wife and tells of the avenues he used to peruse the affair like I did, he will be much less likely to go down the same road in the future AND they can heal together both in and out of counseling. I’m not an SO in my experiences, I am the one who had the affair.
     
  19. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

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    @Hazel Simone is only referring to me here as the SO, @Jdawg247 - I took a chance on a risky response to a thread that I felt strongly about. I'm very sorry that you feel I was being sanctimonious, Hazel. That was certainly not my intention, and clearly, as six people have "liked" my original comment so far, I must've said something right.

    Can we all at least agree that the OP really does need professional help and an open dialogue with his wife? Can we all agree that affairs are bad, much worse than just P, and that he shouldn't have to feel like a "dog" without the use of PM?

    While he may be aware of his failings, he does not seem truly remorseful, and even seems to be using the "dog" comment as a way to justify the behavior. As if his "animal instincts" are natural and that porn/masturbation is a safe, healthy, non-harmful replacement for having an affair. I am sorry if I'm taking it out of context, this is just how I'm taking what he said. To me, it says "PMO is okay because I can't be faithful to my wife without it". And again, I'm sorry that my comment came off to you the way it did.
     
  20. Saskia Simone

    Saskia Simone Fapstronaut

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    People liking your comments earlier are not any indication that they are useful to the OP, or relevant to his question.

    We don’t have to agree on anything - that’s not what this post is about. The question is not “are affairs good?” Or “do I need to tell my spouse?”. What risk have you taken in your response, exactly? Feeling strongly about something does not mean you have license to divert discussion to your liking, and put your priorities on to someone else’s recovery.

    Your last paragraph shows that even if it’s not your intention, you are still persisting in interpreting his motive as being one of justifying his behaviour. It’s not about what it seems to you, (he doesn’t seem remorseful??) or what you want to believe. It’s not about you at all, which is my whole point to begin with! And it’s not about me, either. I’ll let the OP, who incidentally has liked my posts, set the tone from now.
     

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