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Advice please anyone with a porn addicted partner

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Hopefullthinking, Oct 20, 2017.

  1. Hopefullthinking

    Hopefullthinking Fapstronaut

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    hi I’m new, I’m also really struggling. It’s been two years of him lying, me forgiving, him promising to stop and the cycle repeats.
    It all came to a head when he got drunk and I got it out of him he’d been lying for the past six months about not going on it. I was so hurt and I asked him to leave and not to come back, he said this time he will see a therapist and actually get help as the thought of losing me and the children was enough to recognise he has a major problem.
    He watched it constantly, I could be sat on the couch next to him and he’d be watching, school run he’d be watching, kids in the car he’d be watching it, at work, in the shower every opportunity.
    He works away and still has internet access. I have passwords to all google accounts and YouTube, I’m struggling. I can see he is actively trying, he’s a member of NoFap, is reading a book and is due to see a therapist when he’s back but I still need more.
    I’m so hurt and I’m struggling.
    Just saw he watched a load of YouTube videos, mainly women. One especially had a near naked female. I just don’t feel like he’s helping himself and it’s hard.
    Any advice would be appreciated as I don’t know how much more I can give. I certainly can’t forgive him again and he knows that. The next step would be divorce. I can’t spend another two months like it yet alone two years.
    I’m just worried all of the time, worried about relapse and why I’m not enough.
     
    EndFemExploitation likes this.
  2. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

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    I am so, so sorry you're dealing with all of this. We are all here for you. All of us SO's are in different stages of this very same problem. The lies, the deceit, the absolute devastating blow to our self-esteem and confidence... wondering why we were never enough for our partners. These people that we share our lives with, bear our souls to. The betrayal is very hard to cope with. But I'm glad you've chosen to join us here and begin your healing process, and perhaps his too, with time.

    Keep your head up, darling. You are a beautiful soul and deserve everything you desire and more.
     
  3. Hopefullthinking

    Hopefullthinking Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for your reply. I never even knew porn addiction was real. Always told it’s when men do but the reality is horrendous. I’m so glad I’ve found people like me though. The worst feeling is to feel alone xx
     
    Broken81 likes this.
  4. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    You are not alone. I'm only a few weeks into discovering the full extent of my husband's pornography use. I'm struggling to comprehend how someone who I loved so much could hurt me so badly. And continue to do so over and over. 12 years I've been with my partner. 12 years of my life that is covered by a big black cloud that shades every memory in grey. One day I'm hoping to get the colour back.
    Just take a look around you at the devastation the hurricane of Pornagraphy leaves in Its wake. How many SOs and addicts lives have been ripped apart.
    You are most definitely NOT alone.
     
    anewhope and Hopefullthinking like this.
  5. army0

    army0 Fapstronaut

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    Sad to hear that my ex girlfriend actually helped me get rid of my addiction...too sad its not working for him... I could tell you how she did it because I actually really wanted to quit I listened to her . She had control over the internet special anti porn blocking apps like k9 where installed on my sellphone and my computer she monitored everything I was doing and I loved it . It was really what I needed. She held me of a year without relapses and another year with maybe 2 or 3 relapses. Will never forget that and will be forever greatfull
     
    Hopefullthinking likes this.
  6. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    I can tell you three very practical things that have been essential for me:

    1) Porn filters or blockers - these are essential. His phone and computers have to be configured in a way that he simply cannot view porn ... or, set up so that if he does, you and/or others are notified immediately. Without an internet filter, he's basically like an alcoholic who's trying to get sober while sitting in an open bar. Personally, I swear by Covenant Eyes, but there are other programs out there as well that you can look into.

    2) Positive activities. It isn't enough for him just to sit around trying to resist temptation. Any effort that's primarily focused on the strength of his willpower is doomed to fail. He needs positive activities to shift his attention toward when those triggering thoughts start to come in--housework, playing with the kids, a hobby, reading a book, exercise--anything that gets him out of the mindset of "don't masturbate, don't masturbate, don't masturbate."

    3) Involving others. If this addiction stays between you and him (and the NoFap community), chances are that he will continue to fail. It's vitally important that there be just a few real, trusted people in his life that he can share this with--people who he sees regularly, and who will hold him accountable. If he's nervous about talking to someone he knows, check and see if there are any SAA meetings in your town. I love my SAA fellowship--and while those guys might be all over the map (strip clubs, prostitution, infidelity, etc.) they can all relate to porn addiction. I can't tell you how much it will help lift your husband's shame when he sits in a room of other men, shares his story, and sees them nodding their heads and understanding exactly where he's coming from. The other benefit of this is that he can start being accountable to people in his fellowship instead of being accountable to you. Many couples do it that way, and we can all understand why ... but if the wife ends up being "the police", it creates a pretty unhealthy dynamic. It tends to make an addict resent recovery and makes him less likely to own it for himself, instead doing it to placate his supervisor, if you will.

    There is no magic formula for recovery (although the 12 steps are pretty darn good), but these three things will be a huge help.

    Oh--and forgive me for being so focused on your husband. YOU may also find a lot of hope and healing by finding a recovery group for significant others in your area. See if there are any CSAT therapists or sex therapists in your area ... call them up and see if they know of any support groups for partners of addicts. My ex-wife got involved in a group like that and it helped her immensely.
     
  7. noonoon

    noonoon Fapstronaut

    I would only encourage you to find it in your heart to forgive him. It's not about you. It's not because you're not good enough. This addiction grips us men like crack cocaine, only worse because it's around all the time, everywhere, it's free and society says it's ok.
    I go on streaks. 10 days. 50 days. 150 days. but i fail a lot. I cannot say what i would do if my wife felt as you do. fortunately for me she's very understanding. I do this all voluntarily. I want to be sober. She encourages me but never gives me any ultimatum. we're married for life, through good and bad. I think that despite my addiction we have a wonderful relationship and marriage. It's best when i'm sober. When i'm not i can be an asshole. I get hostile when i'm in porn. angry. selfish. Honestly, i don't know how she puts up with that side of me. It's kinda dr. jeckle and mr. hyde.
     
    MerseyPhoenix and Dr_prof like this.
  8. Hopefullthinking

    Hopefullthinking Fapstronaut

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    Although I understand what you’re saying about the grip of the addictiron, for me personally I wasn’t about to spend the rest of my life playing second fiddle to a phone screen. My marriage and my children are the most important things to me but I will not sacrifice my own self for a man who refused to get help. He is seeing a therapist and he has stopped from what I can tell. It is fortunate your wife hasn’t reached the point of giving you an ultimatum. That for me was the last straw and I couldn’t keep putting myself through it. Nobody gets married to then divorce but nobody gets married to be constantly lied to either.

    The ultimatuum
     
    Hopefulgirl, EyesWideOpen and noonoon like this.
  9. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    Nor should you. If your husband was making no effort to get better and get a handle on this, I would never encourage you to stick around. But @noonoon is right ... not only is addiction brutal, but this addiction in particular is the hardest one to conquer. I go to a lot of meetings ... 5-6 per week ... and of all the addicts who are members in other 12-step programs, 100% of them--literally every single one--has said quitting their sexual compulsions has been much, much harder than quitting alcohol or drugs.

    I'd like you to think about the nature of an ultimatum. On one hand, you need to set boundaries and you need to create consequences for breaking those boundaries. I get that. But as I said, this addiction is incredibly hard. Relapses are the rule, not the exception. And if you've basically given him an ultimatum that says, "if you relapse again, I'm divorcing you and taking the kids," then you've given him a very powerful incentive to continue lying if he relapses. He'll be too scared of losing you guys to be honest about his recovery.

    Maybe the consequence of another relapse is that you take the kids and separate for two weeks, totally off his radar. Let him see how it feels to be without you guys. Then arrange to meet and talk about the experience and what the next step is. If you can give him degrees of consequences that happen before "I'm divorcing you and you're losing your family," you'll create a much freer space for him to be honest ... which I think is truly what you want, in the end.
     
    Hopefullthinking and Hopefulgirl like this.
  10. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I commend you for being so strong in your convictions. But make sure you think them through completely and go over every scenario before acting on them. You don't want to do anything in haste. You don't want to do anything you regret. If I had known what I know now before we got married 20+ years ago I would have left. If I had known what i know now when my kids were little and would have adjusted better, I would have left.

    But now we are at a point where my kids are older; they have gone and are going through, some major life events where throwing in a divorce, even a separation, could change the course of their lives forever. I couldn't do that to them. I couldn't do it to my husband at this point, either. He is trying. He needs me and he needs our kids. That is helping his recovery. I shudder to think of the consequences if I left and took the kids now. I stay for them.


    He has done some irreparable damage to our marriage. Some things you can just never take back. I have forgiven, but no matter how hard I work at it, i can't forget. But he is remorseful. He is making a real effort now. He truly wants to change this and make up for it. I am here and I am supporting him. His addiction isn't about me and neither is the decision to stay. It's about the good of everyone else in this house. Even though I am collateral damage and the kids have no fault whatsoever, it would only make things worse for me to split the family up.

    Good luck and know we are all here standing beside you in this.
     
  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I have been you.
    I am on my second (yes, second PA)
    I have 5 kids.
    I almost left.
    I, actually, was leaving.
    My SO threw himself on the floor (he's not a small man) and kicking and crying begged me to stay.
    This was our last straw.
    Everything changed here.
    It's difficult.
    The road is Rocky.
    You are worth change.
    He has to see it and recognize it.
    He has to want it.
    I agree with SuperFan...
    It's time to set some boundaries.
    It's good he's in counseling.
    Trying to make it work is knew thing... But that takes two people.
    I almost left because after two relapses, I was done... After a blip.
    I wanted effort.
    I wasn't going to be stuck going around.
    It put my line in the sand.
    I don't believe you should stay for the children.
    I don't think they should grow up watching parents be miserable... Monkey see, monkey do.
    They watch parents all the time and I didn't want to be a miserable emotional abusee example.
    Which is the end of the rabbit hole.
    My SO is a year and a half PM free now.. And we are going strong... So I'm not just here trying to down in your thread.
    It can get better.
    I do believe this.
    I know in the beginning it's dark and difficult.
    I'm sorry for your D Day.
    My SO also used to used porn constantly.
    At work and right before having sex with me... Before he proposed even and at Christmas unwrapping gifts with the kids.
    Even in bathrooms in supermarkets when we would run out just for fruit or something.
    It was constantly.
    I do believe you can get through this.
    My advice is dont get so wrapped up in kids and distraction from everything you forget yourself.
    Get your nails painted or do your hair.
    Do something Just You.
    Because occasionally...
    You need to rejuvenate yourself.
    This is so important along the way.
    Blessed be.
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 and Broken81 like this.
  12. MerseyPhoenix

    MerseyPhoenix Fapstronaut

    The only thing I want to add as a recovering PA is that I do not believe it is a rejection of you, personally. The PMO cycle is far more exciting to the PA than a relationship with one other person. That is very difficult/hurtful for the (usually) woman to understand. We don't prefer "her" or "her" over you; often there is no "her" but "her" after "her" after "her" ad infinitum because that is the nature of P. (I cannot remember any of the women I have Md to)
    One of the worst aspects of PA in a marriage is the lying. It is akin to an affair and the liar looks pathetic, in the truest sense of the word. That is a very difficult thing to get to grips with. I would suggest that you attend marriage counselling to sort this out. I wish you all the best.
     

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