1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Advice from SO’s?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by CowardlyLion, Apr 25, 2018.

  1. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    This has been a battle for me for some time. Lately, I’ve been doing my absolute best to repair my relationship. I am doing the work now, instead of waiting for my partner to have a breakdown or BEG me to fix things.
    I need some help though.

    My girlfriend struggles with feeling beautiful. There are a lot of reasons that she feels this way, so many different things I’ve managed to do to make her feel the opposite. How do I help her feel that she’s beautiful enough? I know, that’s an incredibly complicated question. I try to tell her every day the reasons I find her beautiful. The reasons she’s perfect to me. But sometimes it’s not enough. Usually it’s worse in the moment of a trigger. How do I fix this? All she wants is to feel beautiful enough to ME in particular.
    I just want some advice and some discussions. Feel free also to message me if you want a more in-depth discussion.

    I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I am fully committed to my recovery. I want to grow old with her. I only want to look at her, be near her, for the rest of my life.

    Thank you in advance. I know you all have it so hard already. You are the greatest and most brave out of everyone here. Thank you for trying to put up with our stupid selves.
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2018
    kropo82, hope4healing, Torn and 2 others like this.
  2. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    A bit more background information:
    She is a dark skinned woman. None of the porn I had was inclusive of that. It was girls who were the complete opposite of her.
    I have put so many different women into her head. Most days, she is able to feel decent enough. She’s struggling a lot, but she does her best.
    But some days, it’s just too much. I hate myself for doing this to her. And I would do anything to fix this.
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2018
    kropo82 likes this.
  3. rocworthy24

    rocworthy24 Fapstronaut

    9
    16
    3
    hey,

    I can relate to your SO, I too have been dealing with low self esteem that has ranged from crippling to manageable. Something, I've learned from this battle, is that recovering will be 90% what I do to make myself feel better. Nonetheless, it's great that you're are willing to help her feel better bout herself. My bf has also been trying his best to help. For example, not too long ago out of the blue sent me my selfies telling me how beautiful I was in that picture and other compliments. It really helped me feel reassured and loved. He also doesnt let me finish my thought whenever I mention how another female (like a celebrity for example) is pretty. He'll just interrupt me and be like cut it out, you're prettier. He'll also show me off on his social media at times. All these actions no matter how basic, have definitely helped me feel better about myself. To sum it up, try variating your love language. Maybe telling her doesn't get to her as much, so maybe showing her how beautiful she is to you might help. It's really hard to help someone change the way they perceive themself so dont beat yourself up too much. Like, I often worry my bf will get tired of feeling like he has to pick up my broken pieces but he hasn't yet and I'm hella grateful. Hopefully, your SO will be able to see through the dark tunnel.

    [I'm darkskinned too and oh boy I know where she is coming from.]
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2018
  4. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much. It means a lot that you responded here. I’ll try variations of my love language. I know actions work better than words for her.
    You hang in there too. I know it’s hard. But you guys can get through this together. Thank you again for your advice.
     
    rocworthy24 likes this.
  5. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    842
    2,515
    143
    I like the variation of love language. I was just having a breakdown last night about how I feel unattractive because I am not like the girls my husband saw in P/P-subs. I struggle from anorexia and body dysmorphia so this has been incredibly challenging.

    Whenever my husband says I am attractive or pretty it actually makes me feel depressed because I feel like it's a lie or that he is just saying that. His words say I am pretty his past actions of choosing P say the opposite, so it doesn't line up in my head.

    But, what does work is when he initiates sex and I can see how turned on he is from just touching my body (not sexual parts). To see him get so worked up when he touches me makes me feel attractive. Nothing else seems to work, especially not words.

    I would say try the love language variation and be consistent and maybe even a bit predictable for a while for some stability. I know for me, if my husband initiates touch or sex and then flip flops I feel less secure responding to his touch or advances because I am unsure of it he actually wants to be with me or is just teasing me for fun and doesn't actually want anything.

    So if words work for her, mean what you say every time and say it X amount of times per week, or say it in the morning/evenings.

    If it's touch be consistent with touch and what it means

    If it's gifts be consistent with getting little surprises

    etc.

    Hopefully that helps!
     
  6. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

    612
    1,493
    123
    I think we all go this to an extent. I know this quote best describes me. It’s really hard to get around it from within and the harder it for the person it can be even harder for someone outside of you.
    This topic is my biggest struggle at this point. I’m not even sure what my hubby can do to help correct it with me so maybe it’s just time and I know mostly it is something that’s broken within me, I don’t think it will change until I find a way to change my perspective about myself.
    A little self esteem background for me was I had extremely bad self esteem when I was younger, my daughters bio father was a cheating, pathological lier, what have you. He had pulled some shit over those years and treated me in ways that was not good for a young teenager (I was with him 13 to 19, had my daughter at 17). It took sometime after him to work on myself, build confidence, self esteem and all those other things to be a healthy young adult.
    I felt good about myself, I felt driven, intelligent and sexy. My husband fell in love with me because of qualities.

    Well overtime I lost those, tried to retain them and lost miserably. He said and behaved in ways that was very damaging to my self esteem outside of porn viewing. I don’t know if I just don’t have the mental energy anymore or just a blocked from believing that I still have those qualities (or from him) It’s certainly something that I need to figure out for myself first, I need to become comfortable in my own skin again.
    Something that he does to help is to put a extra focus on me, not necessarily lust filled but loving. I guess I need to know he loves me for me, I want to feel he not going to turn tail and run because we are getting older, Yada, yada. I guess what I’m getting to is believing that what I look like with all my physical faults and getting older is believing/trusting that he will appreciate and continue to love me for me no matter what I look like.
    That saying you hear from people, “I love her more and find her more beautiful the older we get”, the more the looks fade. That’s what I want to feel from him unfortunately I don’t know what will encompass that for me, hence I think it’s more to do with me than him. Sometimes I feel I will know it when I see it.
     
  7. SaltedPeter

    SaltedPeter Fapstronaut

    I hate to say it but come on now, really pulling a race card in a Porn issues is wrong.
    Sure there are issues in society but really if you think having dark skin means anything to an addict?
    You would be wrong, in fact according to a journal article I read since 2012 Latina people with black skin are on the rise
    this is due to video technology is better, it was not desired in P , NOT because of race it simply does not film as well until recently.
    Thats the reason white was used more ask any director. As long as we as a society segregate ourselves at every corner we will be looked at that way. I am not white either but get real tired people trying to make it about race all the time, I am a human being I am not my color.
    P addiction does not see color, you may think I am coming down on your guys for bringing it up, the reality I am trying to show you his or hers interests in white is most likely the opposite of what you think it is. The taboo part of P is a huge drive and is why people get into extremes and it has zero to do with a partner. People throwing assumptions around is dangerous, I wish you luck, just remember it about him, he has the illness not you, he has the addiction not you . It is not your fault he uses its his and its his thinking that needs correction not SO's.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 25, 2018
  8. rocworthy24

    rocworthy24 Fapstronaut

    9
    16
    3
    everyone is entitled to their opinions.Good luck on your recovery. :)

    {redacted my previous post because I'm not trying to stir anything similar to this}
     
    moonesque likes this.
  9. moonesque

    moonesque Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    500
    2,514
    123
    Lets not derail...


    Some points that have been helpful to
    my SO, we have similar issues with it comes to P use vs. partner.

    One thing is to find out what it means and how to reach her in understanding or believing when you tell her how you see her physically.

    My SO understands details, so Ive had to learn how to talk and describe attraction, maybe not, you look pretty, but I love the way that X,Y,Z looks because of the way the colors and tones contrast and thats attractive to me. We discussed how someone who appreciates art talks about their favorite piece vs. someone who says, “I like it”.

    Another aspect that was very important to me is understanding why I was attracted to things in P very different than my partner (it was psychological suggestion that my life was built on, idee fixé), and then breaking that down.

    When you build up a defense understanding what happened, then communicate how specifically its different, dont hold back on what you used to consume, they are not idols or on a platform, criticize them for what they are and how they look. They wont have their feelings hurt, only your partner is hurt currently and one must take steps to adjust.

    Of course, one must have honesty as well.
     
  10. This is so true for me, too. In the beginning, when he would tell me how beautiful I was or all the things he loved about me, I believed him. He built up my self-esteem and confidence higher than it had ever been before with the way he complimented me and showed appreciation. That was, of course, before I knew about all the PMO. As time went by and the addiction grew, not only did he no longer pay attention to anything about me, he never said anything kind or complimentary anymore either. I lost every bit of self-esteem I ever had and more. I felt like everything he had ever said about me had been a lie. I was still the same 'me' so why wouldn't he say those things anymore if he had truly meant them?

    Now, when he occasionally tries to say something like he did back then, I actually feel sad because it no longer seems genuine. It just reminds me of a time when our relationship was full of lies...when i believed he thought I was so beautiful and he never wanted anyone else but me, yet he was constantly turning to PMO every chance he got. Now, his actions are the only thing that can boost my self-esteem because the words were proven meaningless.
     
    Numb, Torn, Jagliana and 3 others like this.
  11. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    1,738
    3,865
    143
    @rocworthy24 is entitled to feel however she feels and you have no right to question it. Get off your high horse. PAs have personal preferences. It can be race/color/sex/fetish, etc, so for you to even remotely say that addiction doesn't see color is wrong, wrong, wrong. You do not get to chastise an SO expressing something that has greatly affected her and has been a source of betrayal trauma. That is her reality and you attacking her for it is re-traumatizing her all over again. You do not get to invalidate her reality.
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2018
  12. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Yes, this.

    In fact my husband just said over text a few minutes ago "I think you are beautiful and wonderful. My eyes and my every desire is for you." and my response was "yeah you have always said that and it wasn't true". So, that's a real life example/interaction that just shows even the nice things that I would have loved before, they mean nothing now because his word doesn't mean much. It didn't match up with his actions in the past.

    I don't even know anymore that there is anything my husband could do. I mean, yeah, not looking at other women would be one I guess. He's never really done that though (like out, ogling, obviously he did in P) so it doesn't even seem different. I think it lies within me, to somehow bring myself back from the devastation it caused.
     
  13. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    Yeah, I’ve been Porn free for a while now. Just wasn’t meeting my goals well enough, so I’ve decided to start over with my counter. Those behaviors ruined my life and I have no desire to have that happen ever again.
     
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  14. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    1,738
    3,865
    143
    You start off by attempting to tell us we are playing the victims, however your entire diatribe is all about how you are the victim of your circumstances and none of us could ever understand. You are making the assumption that many of us have not had the same or similar experiences as you. Yet in the same breath you say "you think you know me." Isn't that exactly what you just did to all of us? You don't know a thing about us yet you just lumped all of us together assuming we are all young, white, and judgmental, simply because we do not share the same opinion as you.

    Do you know what you being a porn addicted black man that lived in the 60s and 70s has to do with a black woman being betrayed and traumatized by a porn addicted man who preferred to look at naked white women instead of her? Absolutely nothing. Your input contributes nothing to her experience, or to this thread, except to try to invalidate her personal reality, and make her feel worthless. Way to help out a traumatized woman. I hope you feel good about yourself now. Did that boost your ego?
     
  15. CowardlyLion

    CowardlyLion Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much. It’s great to see someone else who understands as well. My girlfriend thanks you sincerely as well.
    Sorry for further detailing this thread. My original point still stands. I want to make my partner feel beautiful, and accepted as a black woman whose boyfriend found only white women to be “sexy”.
    Opinions aside, these are the facts. I feel that in my behaviors I was racist and shallow. I want her to feel desired and loved.
     
  16. Offtopic posts has been edited or removed.
    Please keep the responses healthy and on-topic.
     
  17. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Unfortunately, I feel the same as many of the other SO's on here. My husband would shower me with compliments "you're so beautiful" "you're sexy" "you're hot" "love your eyes, butt, body etc". In the beginning, it felt great, that was of course until discovery day - that's when everything changed, forever. Over the next decade, as his PA advanced my self-esteem completed deteriorated. I guess the deeper he dived into it, the further he pushed me away and didn't even notice it. I felt ugly, unwanted, undesired, like trash pretty much and that kind of damage sticks with you and I'm afraid it may be... irreparable. Because no matter how understanding I am trying to be now, about PA as a disease, it does not change the fact that his eyes, that were meant only for me, have been ogling every ass on the block and every kind of P actress you can think of, instead of me (because in my mind, for 12 years, I just WAS NOT ENOUGH < that was on loop 24/7 in my mind) - I don't know how or if that can be undone.

    These days, although he is in recovery and our connection is so different today then it has ever been (if you follow my journal, you know what I mean) and I am falling back in love with him and learning what real love/intimacy is - when he tells me I'm beautiful, I still don't/can't believe him, even though I know he is being genuine and honest about everything else. That's the scary part, I don't know if I will ever get to a place where I truly believe him when he tells me that I'm beautiful. Unfortunately, PA and in his case (a step further as well)... really screws with the SO, it's a personal attack on us. When the PA chooses to go outside of the marriage, be it with his time/hand or with another person - the SO can't translate those actions in any other way, other than I am not good enough (sexually, physically etc) for him, so he needs to seek out other ways of getting his desires met.

    If anyone has a method of repairing this sort of damage, I'd love to learn how myself.
     
  18. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    So you don't feel like the damage is repaired in you?? Yet, your relationship with Wade is exponentially further along than many, many of the SO's that I see on NoFap (after not even 3 full months).

    So..what's your secret? How does betrayal trauma in you -- Unrepaired betrayal trauma at that -- not prevent you from distancing yourself from your PA husband??

    [ I hope this isn't coming across rude .. or insensitive .. I have actually had this question for a while, and this just seems like a good entryway to ask it ]
     
  19. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Of course, no offense taken :)

    It is difficult to explain, but my self-esteem (physical/how I see myself, mostly because of what his PA has done to me over the years) is separate from my feelings of love/intimacy at this very moment. After he gave me his full disclosure; something I could have never learned on my own, as hurtful as it was to hear/learn about - it was also a breakthrough in our trust which is by FAR more important than anything else to me (honesty/trust). He didn't have to disclose it, ever, but he did anyway. He showed me, that for once - that he was ready to be 100% honest and vulnerable with me. That was what opened the door for me to finally start opening back up to him, instead of festering. So, the more we spoke frankly, without playing games the more we have been growing closer and closer, intimately. Neither of us has felt this kind of love and connection before.
     
  20. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    1,738
    3,865
    143
    I'd like the answer to this too. But honestly, I don't think it can ever be repaired. The damage is done. It can be forgiven, but never forgotten. The scars will remain forever. They may fade over time, but they will never disappear. We just have to learn to live with them and move forward. Everyone is in a different stage of this journey and takes people different lengths of time to get where they are going.
     

Share This Page