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Addiction Disclosure

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Meshuga, Aug 30, 2016.

  1. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    I think this is an extreme example of the same principle. It's hard to argue that an SO doesn't have that right when life or health is at stake. So remove those and leave it at emotional stability. What changes? Why does an SO have the right to protect their physical health, but not their sanity?

    There's a temptation on the part of the addict to downplay the severity of their addiction and the degree of negative consequences wrought on themselves and, by proxy, their SO. Just porn, we say. No big deal. No need to overreact, so by denying my SO the information, I am really protecting them from making a bad decision they will later regret. I, as the addicted party, am more qualified to make this choice for someone else.

    We mean that porn isn't a big deal to us, but we don't get to decide what is or isn't a big deal for anyone else. We don't accept this when we are the offended party. "Yeah I had a few glasses of wine and then drove home. I didn't tell you because it's not a big deal. I knew you would overreact," or, "Sure I've been spending a couple hundred at the casino every week, but I've got it under control. You should see some of the others! It's not like I blew our life savings." We even get upset when news organizations under report our favorite topics, this isn't something we accept from the person we're supposed to trust completely.
     
  2. @Meshuga - good point. I do believe a SO's sanity is critically important too. I have to admit this response was a bit of a 'knee-jerk reaction' b/c of one or more addicts on this thread rationalizing/justifying not telling their Sos. I thought I'd provide an extreme example - I could have died - wake up - where does a person draw the line. If my husband does this with whores again, I take that risk, but at least I know his history now.

    And my goal is to help support him in getting better and I am doing a lot of work on myself too. Could our marriage be better than ever going forward? Yes, I believe it can. It's up to us to make it so.

    The FANOS exercise is truly helping build communication and intimacy.
     
  3. Si_Valley_Asian

    Si_Valley_Asian Fapstronaut

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  4. @Si_Valley_Asian - Shock is a normal response as well as a wide range of emotions. I had rage, uncontrollable crying, fear, and so many questions. If your wife is open to it, encourage her to join the SOs group on here. I am new to this site, yet the members of that private group have helped me tremendously.

    Here's a thought to ponder. You've known about this issue for a wile (as long as you've been doing it). She JUST found out. It's all new to her, and it will make her question so many things (the marriage - all lies?, why isn't my husband intimate with me? - all kinds of things, whether the thoughts/questions are rational or not).

    Sincere apology (not just "I'm sorry") is a good start. I highly recommend FANOS if your wife is willing. Have you told her you are getting support on this site and desire to change your behavior?
     
    ILoathePwife and Meshuga like this.
  5. Anona

    Anona Fapstronaut

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    Ask her to join the forum, contact one of the other SO so she can join our group, she will have 100 shoulders to cry on, and speaking from my own experience a boost in confidence times 200% within less than 48 hours. You did the right thing, even if you regret right now.
     
    stacey, fuzzywaz, Ted Martin and 3 others like this.
  6. inrepose

    inrepose Fapstronaut

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    Just wanted to say thanks to you and all others in this thread for helping me think everything through and coming to a decision. I just talked to her on the phone and told her everything. She reacted shocked, and after asking me for the details (why, since when, how often, etc.) she said one question was predominant in her mind: Why didn't I tell her earlier, maybe she could have helped?!

    And the other important thing was: Even though I had always emphasized that it wasn't her fault, she said she still felt inadequate at times and asked herself if she wasn't attractive to me anymore. And knowing it was my porn addiction made it easier for her to not believe that.

    So I think the overall advice in this thread is good and true. Telling her is the right thing. And - I didn't expect it - but it's a relief for me, as well. The dark secret is finally out in the open, and that alone feels kind of good.

    @Si_Valley_Asian, have you heard back from your wife by now?
     
  7. Dendrite

    Dendrite Fapstronaut

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    So it's been 3 weeks since I told my wife. In all honesty, I wish I hadn't. There's a lot of pain and it seems to be completely unnecessary. If I'd kept my damned mouth shut, she'd be fine. Here's some context. Our marriage is fine - if I had to guess, I'd say that it's stronger than most marriages I see. We're both very happy with each other and any "fights" are separated by months, and the "fight" is usually a minor thing. When it is a major thing, divorce is immediately on the table and I think that helps a lot. Kids are happy. We are both kind to each other - there is no anger, depression, or anything like that. We are much more explicit and honest than most couples that I've seen. There's no "rock bottom" moment here for "us". My personal "rock bottom" moment was when I realized that I couldn't even stop myself for 3 days.

    Maybe it works the opposite way here. Over here, porn is a big deal, because this is a place dedicated to porn being a big problem. But you know what? Seems to me that sometimes it's not "the addiction" talking and forcing us to keep it a "secret". Sometimes we just have good reasons, and we weigh them up sensibly, and make a good decision to not tell. If we accept that porn is a big deal for us, then do we also get to decide that this kind of painful revelation should be forced on our partners now? Should it also be a "big deal" for them while the recovery is ongoing?

    Now I think that the SOs who are here will disagree with me. But here's the thing, you've all come here and joined and are invested in this recovery process - and I think that's great. Not every SO wants to do that, not every SO should do that, and the SOs who haven't done that are not here! For many of you, the marriage is on the rocks or there are relationship problems - that's just not an issue for us. Sometimes you know your partner better and the "guideline" good advice doesn't apply.

    HOWEVER!
    • If you have relationship or sexual-dysfunction or personal problems that are being exacerbated or "relieved" by porn - disclose!
    • If you think your partner will want to know or will support you when they do know - disclose!
    • If everything isn't rock-solid everywhere else in your life ... disclose? Or really think about it, anyway.
    I'm still in favor of telling eventually, no matter what ... after 45 or 90 or 100 days clean, maybe. Anything longer than that and you probably are delaying with no good reason. But here's your contrary data-point: I think the disclosure, for me and for us, was the wrong decision.
     
    KevinesKay and inrepose like this.
  8. Si_Valley_Asian

    Si_Valley_Asian Fapstronaut

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    I don't regret it one bit. I actually feel that I waited too long to admit my problem to her. She suffered in silence for too long, and her behavior change over the last few months leads me to believe that she is done with me and is ready to move on. Of course, that's the catalyst for me coming out, so I'm sure she is very skeptical about all this. She is still distant. And I still feel helpless and alone. I will try to give her more time and suggest that she join the SO forum, but I honestly don't know if it's too little, too late.
     
  9. Si_Valley_Asian

    Si_Valley_Asian Fapstronaut

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    Unfortunately, my hunch was correct. I was served Friday afternoon with divorce papers. With the fear that anything I post here may be used against me in court, I will try to keep my posts as generic as I am able until I've retained an attorney and learn more.

    Apparently my hard mode goal was not by choice after all, but the streak is still alive! Thanks for the support so far.

    So, one more data point for disclosing early. :(
     
    WifeInTheDark and LizzyBlanca like this.
  10. Ted Martin

    Ted Martin Fapstronaut

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    So sorry to hear that! Hang in there and use this community as a support network as you navigate the difficult waters ahead. We are here for you!
     
  11. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    It took me a while to figure out why I was and am bothered by this whole post. I think the answer lies partially in my own selfish reaction, partially in my perspective outside your particular situation, but I have the inability to separate the two. Therefore, I'm cautiously presenting my opinion with the caveat that I my experience both aids and blinds in my attempt to relate to others.

    Your trivialization of porn and the effects it has had on you and your relationship feels like a trivialization of my own struggle, and this isn't fair. Porn, and the spirit of porn, is a dragon. It is huge and intimidating, and it threatens to devour me. You are saying it's just a snake to you, and may not even be poisonous. It makes me feel inferior and defensive, that I permitted my snake to grow into a dragon. It feels better to me to believe that porn is a dragon for everyone, and that you are in denial about how destructive it has been in your life. It gives me an excuse for dangerous it has been in mine.

    There is only one piece of evidence that supports this hypothesis, aside from my own selfish reasoning, and that is the reaction of your wife. You claim that porn isn't really a big deal, but you have had problems since disclosing which indicates that she disagrees with you on the size of the deal. Were she on the same page, it wouldn't be a problem. It sounds like she has some concerns that you have not been able to satisfy. Maybe she is worried about her sufficiency as a partner and lover, and we generally agree that our addiction has nothing to do with our satisfaction with our SOs. Where and how she directs her reaction doesn't matter, however. It's still a problem, and a bigger one than you indicate. She still deserves to know what you are dealing with.
     
  12. Dendrite

    Dendrite Fapstronaut

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    This doesn't make sense to me. My actual claim is that revealing the porn use during early stages of recovery is a bad idea in an otherwise-healthy relationship. I didn't at any point claim that the porn itself wasn't bad, or wasn't a big deal. In fact, my wife and I both agree on the magnitude of the problem. Can you have an otherwise-good relationship even WITH porn in the picture? Yes. I suspect that tens of millions of people do it all the time. Does porn necessarily make a relationship worse? Yes, I think so. Can you always have a better relationship WITHOUT porn in the picture? Also yes. There is no contradiction here.

    The sentence "She still deserves to know what you are dealing with" just doesn't follow on from the rest. "Big problem" doesn't imply "problem that must be shared" ... I've written a post about that somewhere before in this thread.

    I don't think that porn needs to affect every aspect of your life. I think that, as with every addiction (gambling, drinking, smoking, ...) it tends to affect other parts of your life because you have a compulsive urge to do things that you would otherwise not do. But that doesn't mean it has to affect every aspect of your life.
     
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2016
    tiberiansun likes this.
  13. I kindly beg to differ. A big problem of either partner in a relationship is a problem that must be shared, otherwise it devalues the whole relationship. It may very well be that I understand a healthy relationship differently, but honesty, compassion, eagerness to support each other, showing vulnerability, all those virtues instantly come to mind. I'm hesitant to accuse you of still being in denial, but porn does affect every aspect of your life, and that's the reason why virtually every fapstronaut has to change his/her whole life to overcome the addiction for good. And admitting the negative impact on life is the prerequisite.
     
  14. Lies of omission are as bad as lies of commission. We seem to be discussing lies of omission (not telling)?

    Read what other wives/SOs have to say. The lying HURTS us terribly and harms the relationship. If your relationship is great, that typically involves partners supporting each other during life's challenges. Your wife could support your recovery. Who can't benefit from the support of a spouse?
     
  15. Dendrite

    Dendrite Fapstronaut

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    There is a negative impact on my life, otherwise why would I be here? Maybe we do have a difference of opinion, because a relationship is also about protecting each other and caring very much about each other's feelings. Sometimes that means being quiet and working on yourself. In the extreme case, I know of someone who had serious heart surgery and didn't tell his wife until it was over. How could she support him before? She couldn't. So why tell her and worry her? Afterwards, there was plenty of time and plenty of support. This man also has a very solid marital relationship.

    It might also be that I am not American or from the UK. In our relationship we do value the things you mentioned, but we might prioritize different things.

    We are definitely talking about lies of omission. There is literally nothing that my wife can do to support my recovery. She cannot "not watch porn" for me, and talking to her about it is (of course!) very painful for her. Every relapse will hurt her, and why should it? What good does that do? It is enough that I have told her that I am working towards recovery, and she knows that I do not take my word lightly. That is why I regret telling her at an earlier time. At a later time, it would not matter, because it would be in the past. I am not claiming that the pain of the lies would be different - of course, it would be the same. But why would I want to add to that pain by going through relapses with her?

    For the SOs here, wouldn't it be better if your partner came to you and said "I had a porn addiction a year ago"? The lies are still there but at least you can think that the nightmare is over.

    But once again, if your relationship is not 100% solid (and maybe that is due to porn!) then this does not apply to you. Disclose. In my case, and my circumstances, I feel that it was a bad idea.
     
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  16. Anona

    Anona Fapstronaut

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    No !

    And how can you consider a relationship built on secrets being a solid one when it is built on a lie ?
     
  17. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    There is a lot an SO can do to help. They can provide moral support, help you look out for triggers, talk you down from an urge, provide objective perspective on your pre/post behavior, help indicate secondary problems impacting the relationship, help monitor your behavior, be the threat you need to motivate you through a difficult stretch. Sometimes, just knowing you'll have to admit your reset is enough to stave it off. Porn is an extremely difficult habit to break. You need to weight the scales in your favor as much as possible if you hope to quit.

    If you aren't going to talk about it further or let your SO help, then the effectiveness of telling them is dramatically reduced. You just dump the information on her, leave her to conclude what she will, and tell her there's nothing she should or can do about it, then yes. That's a jerk move. I would be especially reluctant to put that on the table too, especially if I knew divorce was a go to option. But these weren't the only reasons enumerated in the original post. If she wants to divorce you over your porn addiction, that should be her choice. Not yours.

    We have already asked the question, multiple times, whether an SO would rather know if their mate has or had an addiction. The overwhelming consensus is that they prefer to be informed. There has yet to be a single report from an SO that they had no problems with their relationship prior to revelation. They ALWAYS know something is wrong. Some deny it could possibly be porn, but they know there is something wrong. Your case might be different, but I haven't heard from Mrs. Dendrite so I don't know.

    This isn't heart disease. This is a relationship disease. I am running out of ways to say it; it takes both parties to repair a relationship. If you reject the premise that porn use, even minimal porn use, affects the relationship, then we are too far apart to arrive at an agreement.
     
  18. BenBozonian

    BenBozonian Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for this post and thread.

    I now understand that not only I have to fix myself but my relationship with my SO to make this reboot stick for good.

    Ben
     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2016
    ILoathePwife and Meshuga like this.
  19. "In the extreme case, I know of someone who had serious heart surgery and didn't tell his wife until it was over. How could she support him before? She couldn't. So why tell her and worry her? Afterwards, there was plenty of time and plenty of support. This man also has a very solid marital relationship."

    Nope, nope, nope. He could have died on the operating table, and then how would his wife have felt? It happens. Marriage is based on truth.

    Just like @Meshuga said - The wives/SOs always know something is wrong.
     
  20. I don't want to use our numbers against you, but I simply can't leave your comments unanswered.

    That bears a striking resemblance to the nicotine addict who always tells everybody about his 97 year old uncle who smoked a pack a day and is still in great health. What on earth makes you believe that pretending, lying, secrecy and dismissal have a place in any relationship, solid or not? That sort of dick move is acceptable for roommates at best, not for partners.
    I'm not from the US or UK either, and I don't understand what that has to do with anything, except moving the spotlight away from you.
    Why should the SO believe him after he kept it a secret for so long? Wouldn't she rather be more suspicious afterwards, compared to him coming clean right from the start and seeing his continuous progress?
    Your relationship is far from 100% solid if it fosters lies and secrecy. And don't hate me for saying it, your relationship is not 100% solid if every little fight brings up the topic of divorce. Apart from that, no relationship is 100% solid to begin with anyways.
     

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