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Addiction Disclosure

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Meshuga, Aug 30, 2016.

  1. Mackswell Hope

    Mackswell Hope Fapstronaut

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    And that was so true for me, and my SO knew of aspects of it. The hardest thing I've ever done was to tell her I had a problem, but being honest was critical to my success (so far). Addiction feeds off dishonesty. You don't stop it by feeding it. Accepting that my previous conduct was, in fact, dishonest, was also painful, for it crushed my happy but untrue perceptions of myself. You can't travel to a new destination unless you know where you are now. And coming clean to an SO is integral to that process. The logic of that doesn't ring in my ears, but the truth is in my bones. I tried quitting without 'fessing up. Several times. Only now do I feel confident in going forward, as a personal and as a husband. It hurts, oh goodness it hurts. It hurts everyone. But so do splinters, and they feel better when you finally dig them out.
     
  2. Ted Martin

    Ted Martin Fapstronaut

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    Well said!
     
    LizzyBlanca and StepsReborn like this.
  3. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    Well crap on a stick, this is what happens when my modem goes out for less than 48 hours? I'm going to work at this one piece at a time, because as a whole this looks like a tangled mess.

    Let me begin with gratitude for your challenging these assertions with an unpopular, but serious opinion and perspective. I've said it before, the object is to help addicts and their SOs repair relationships, and that isn't accomplished in an intellectual circle jerk (pardon the vulgarity). Onward...

    Yes, but the escalation of the addiction typically means that, by the time an addict is prepared to admit their problem and resolved to combat it, they are operating as the worst versions of themselves to date. This was the entire point of that original argument.
    Is this an argument to hide a toxic addiction in order to preserve a toxic relationship? A person that would rather you stay moody, depressed and anti-social does not love you, or want the best for you. They only want to hate themselves less. You acknowledge this in your follow up statement,
    My target audience is addicts who want to stop destroying themselves and the people they love with their addiction, not those who want to wallow in it. Pardon if we are having a miscommunication here.
    The text following this bold declaration suggests to me that we aren't even in agreement regarding what an SO is.
    A spouse/significant other (SO) is not a roommate with whom you share chores. An SO is a person to whom you are completely vulnerable, for mutual legal, financial, psychological and spiritual protection. You must allow your SO to protect themselves and their children, even from you if they deem necessary. You might counter that it isn't necessary and the SO will be sure to overreact, but with respect, the SO isn't the one who got hooked on dopamine hits via sexually explicit stimuli. Even if the SO does overreact, the addict has done the right thing by informing on themselves. If the SO chooses to split the family and dissolve the relationship, at least they had the choice. By witholding information, you are further widening that breach of trust. In my opinion, it justifies the mistrust and the possible decision to break up.

    This is, of course, in reference to an ongoing addiction, because the addiction has a very real chance of doing the SO and children harm. If my wife had an abortion, I would like to know but I guess it doesn't have much of a chance of biting either of us on the ass in the future so no, maybe I don't need to know about that. If she had a stalker in med school a few years back, however, or if she has AIDS, or if she defected from the KGB or previously sold her soul to Moloch for a pack of Kools, I need to know so that I can take precautions. The same with me and my porn addiction. My wife needs to know so she can protect me, protect the kids, and protect herself. This is why she doesn't watch the Project Runway lingerie challenge when I am in the room, and why she is more understanding of me when I get irritable, and why she checks in quietly but randomly while I work on my laptop. She now has the tools to help protect us.
    She's grateful she knows, too, because for some reason the crazy girl loves me. A happy, healthy, non-addicted me is better for her, me, us, and the kids.

    You argue that informing of a reset can be difficult to confess after the initial admission. I agree. It's easier to lie and say you are doing great with this reset thing, but the truth is, if you maintain that atmosphere of honesty you continue to repair the relationship. I've had to admit that I reset twice for fantasizing fictional erotic scenarios, once for MO. That last one was particularly difficult. I was 82 days clean. It happened after an uncomfortable discussion about our sexual relationship, and I knew she'd blame herself just as surely as I knew it wasn't her fault. She, however, trusted me enough to ask herself, and I was honest enough to answer truthfully. This is the stuff healthy relationships are made of; not two people hiding their piles of shit with no way to disguise the smell.

    Present, repeated infractions are there whether you lie about it or not. If you lie, you just add onto the pile. An informed SO can also mean the difference between, "I relapsed, but I think I know why and these are the steps I am taking to ensure it doesn't happen that way again," and, "I relapsed, I'm a failure, all I've gotten from these attempts is more angry and depressed, so I'm just going to surrender to the flood of exposed flesh and emphatic moaning and be done with it."

    True on two counts. Informing the SO is not the whole story. Informing them the right way is, I think, critical. The SO must understand that the addiction is not their fault. They must also know that you are actively, determinedly fighting it, and that resets are probable but do not represent failure on their or the addict's part. Even full relapses are to be expected. How this is to be accomplished, I suspect, varies from person to person. This is a subject of intense interest to me, and I hope to develop more opinions on this in the future. This resource is only to convince an addict that they should inform their SO, not how.
    Second, you indicate that it isn't all unicorn farts and sunshine noogies after you tell. This is true. Just like declaring your intent to quit doesn't automatically allow you to defeat addiction. What it does do, however, is allow the relationship the opportunity to progress. A first incision is the painful beginning of a long process, but is a necessary first step.

    No further comment, this just bears repeating.

    The covering lie is another problem, or part of the problem, a problematic extension compounding an already complex problem. Not a harmless accessory of a problem.

    Nevertheless, your words regarding reaching a recovery mindset, and managing when you inform, bear some consideration. My concern is procrastination. Disclosure is scary and not something many of us are eager to do, so it would be easy to put it off until it doesn't seem necessary anymore. I also think 70 days seems a bit long. Is that an arbitrary number?
    If you aren't in a recovery mindset, I suggest you do whatever you can to get there ASAP. I know, this is like telling a depressed person to just be happy, but here's the facts; porn addiction is real, it's harmful to you and your SO, and it's beatable. That's a hard thing to understand wile peeking from under a dopamine addicted rock with decades of guilt and failed attempts weighing you down, but it's true. You need to get out.
     
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2016
  4. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    THANK YOU. I didn't find myself capable of responding to that and I'm so grateful you and @StepsReborn did.

    I just want to repeat that one. Look, the truth is, not every SO is equipped to handle the revelation in a healthy way or support the addict. I've heard some sad stories about SOs who genuinely made recovery harder, such as by not cooperating during marriage counseling, considering it "his problem to fix" and denying the addict access to recovery resources. That doesn't make it right to continue to lie and deny the SO information she genuinely has a right to know. Plus, it doesn't give the SO the chance to show if she is willing or able to support the addict. And that denies the addict a potentially powerful healing resource. One that could possibly make the difference between failure or success.
     
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2016
  5. Northernlight

    Northernlight Fapstronaut

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    This is great stuff. We just need to be real with each other. The brain will seek anyway to deceive you and if it does, that's a step closer to relapse.
     
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  6. Northernlight

    Northernlight Fapstronaut

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    And perhaps that particular marriage was helping to feed the addiction, so toxicity feeds more toxicity. If anyone is going through that, know that we are here for you!
     
  7. Si_Valley_Asian

    Si_Valley_Asian Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for @fupornwife 's signature, I found this thread and helped me come out with my admission to my wife this last week. Thanks to all of the contributors to this thread.
     
  8. That's amazing! I'm glad you found the courage. It's a big step. Was it worth it?
     
  9. Si_Valley_Asian

    Si_Valley_Asian Fapstronaut

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    I hope/pray that it will be. Right now, the jury is still out. I think while she knew something was wrong, she might not have known that so much of my negative behavior was amplified by my addiction. After years of hurt and countless cycles that got her hopes up that I'd made the turn, she is absolutely right in being cautious and skeptical about what I revealed. From her point of view it is just way too easy of a way out for me.
     
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2016
    MsPants likes this.
  10. I see what you mean. I hope and pray it will work out for you, as well. I think over time, having an explanation for the negative behavior will be a good thing. There's hope for change if she knows that you know where you're at and what you need to work on.
     
    MsPants likes this.
  11. inrepose

    inrepose Fapstronaut

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    I wish I had read this thread earlier.. but then again I'm not sure I'd have taken away the same message then.

    I never told my SO about my porn addiction, believing I needed to tackle it on my own. In recent months I was stuck in this cycle of abstaining and relapsing, and I lost almost all drive for real sex with her. She is open and honest and told me how much that bothered her and that a relationship like that was not enough for her. She asked me if there was something wrong, and I lied and said I didn't know what's wrong with me.

    Well, she didn't approach the topic anymore - which I was too self-absorbed to notice as a red flag - and now it looks like the relationship is over. I wish I had opened up about my addiction..
     
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  12. Open up now! Maybe it will change things. What have you got to lose, right?
     
  13. inrepose

    inrepose Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for replying. But I don't know.. everything inside me wants to do do that, but it feels insincere somehow.. like right now I would only do it to get her back I think. And she would sense that.

    Anyway sorry, I didn't want to take over the thread with my stuff.
     
  14. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    Getting her back is always the only reason to confess. It's the only thing powerful enough to overcome the shame and the guilt. She deserves to know. She deserves to know. Her marriage has fallen apart, and she deserves to know why. If for no other reason than to know that she is not at fault.

    You are an addict. You can't trust your feelings. It will use irrational arguments to persuade you to keep it secret, keep it hidden, even when you've got nothing at all to lose. You are past purity of intent. It's not about you. She needs to know for her.
     
  15. inrepose

    inrepose Fapstronaut

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    For the record, I made it absolutely clear to her that it's not her fault but some problem on my part. That's why I think coming clean now would be just for my perceived benefit of getting her back. It seems egotistical to me somehow, and I'm afraid I'd cause more damage than good.

    But maybe it is as you say, and it's just the addiction finding excuses.
     
    Meshuga likes this.
  16. Quest4life

    Quest4life Fapstronaut

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    This is good stuff man. I told my wife two weeks ago. She didn't appreciate that I waited till we were married before I shared anything. We were already separated one month when I told her (I figured I would eventually have to explain the PIED). She thanked me for my honesty and hasn't said a word since. However, I felt like the PMO lost it's power a little bit as a result of the confession. The secrets are all out now.
     
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  17. SeekingSolace

    SeekingSolace Fapstronaut

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    [QUOTE="Meshuga, post: 590867, member.......


    This was fabulous! I am keeping this to refer back to.
     
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  18. Si_Valley_Asian

    Si_Valley_Asian Fapstronaut

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    I totally and completed understand you. You are in the same exact spot I was in a little over a week ago. I had (and still have) the same fears you do.
    1. The only reason I'm confessing now is because I'm afraid you have started divorce proceedings
    2. Confessing now seems like the easy and cowardly way out to not take ownership and blame it on something else
    3. It will seem insincere coming out so late in the game when my back is against the wall
    etc. etc.

    You are in the good spot that she is so open with you and can verbalize and speak to you about how she is feeling. My wife just suffered in silence in between our fights.

    I still can't say that me coming out to her was a good idea, because the fears above are true and justified. Maybe it will take her a bit to process, or maybe I'm already too late. But at least she and I are able to talk about the addiction like it is a real thing and give me feedback on my plan on tackling it.
     
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  19. All I'd like to share (as the SO/wife) is that the lies, deception, and secret life (secret cell phones to contact whores) hurt more than anything else. Honesty is the only way to potentially heal a relationship.

    Did I have the right to know my husband was engaging in activity that could potentially kill me? (AIDS) Um. Yes. Fortunately, I don't have HIV, and neither does he. But, yes, I have the right to know that.
     
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