addicted to gayporn

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by kameelteen, Mar 16, 2018.

  1. kameelteen

    kameelteen Fapstronaut

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    I have about 2 hours to type my story before my girlfriends gets home from work. we have been together for about 1.5 years now. The longest relatonship i have ever had. I love her. This relationship is to stay. But if i want this relationship to stay i need to change myself. I have not been a good boyfriend. Our sex live becomes less and less. And she reminds me of it several times a week. For some reason i just dont get aroused to have sex anymore. It gets more difficult to get in the mood. But when im alone i do get aroused and masterbate. Mostly while watching regular or gay porn. Now dont get me wrong. Im not gay nor bisexual, it will all get more clear later in my story. The reason for doing this now is because we didn't have sex for over a week. And today again i masterbated. I feel guilty because if i just had hold out for a couple of hours i could have sex and make my girlfriend happy. I have had a journal before, and got to a couple months a few times. But then i started focus more on my drug addiction and fixed that first. Now a couple years later i am ready to start again. And now i will tell my whole story. I wont leave out the embaressing stuff anymore. If i want to heal, i need to be open to my internet friends.

    I fear that i do not a have a normal sexual apitite. It started showing first when i had the age of 6-10. I started having my first sexual experiences. It happend with my neighbour boy, playing mates and my brother. I remember having my first experience with the neighbourboy at age around 5 to 6 a couple years before i discovered porn. It wasn't hardcore sex. It was more like playing doctor. We would play games like running in the forest naked, climbing trees naked or touching stuff with our penis. We also touched licked and sucked. I remember feeling this sexual rush. This continued for a couple of years. Also i started doing this with a couple more playing mates. If i remember right it were 4 or 5 others before i had the age of 10.
    I also started doing this with my brother who is about 4 years older. This was the first time where it became more like real sex. Cumming got involed and we looked at porn together. This with my brother happend somehere between the age of 8 and 14. This was also where i was getting less comfortable for me and i started doing it with more dislike and it i was more unwilling. But still i had that sexual rush and continued doing it.

    I had alot of fun out of it. But what i really wanted was a girl. While i was having sex with boys it was girls that i really wanted. All true this time i had crushes on girls and fantasysed about having sex with those girls. Also from about the age of 8 i started watching porn. I loved straight porn and couldn't wait to lose my straight virginity. Such a shame that that only happend when i was 19. Losing my virginity at that age really had a big toll on my emotional well being. I felt bad about myself. Thought i wasn't worthy of love. I could not talk to girls and girls only made me scared. Every time i would talk to a girl i would stress myself out so much i wouldn't be able to have a normal conversation without picturing everything around. Does she like me? Do i like her? How can i have her to have sex with me? Am i doing everything allright? Maybe i should kiss her? Why am i not doing anything? Am i doing it ok? These questions would run my head crazy and the girls would always see the scaredness and fear. It never got to something where i could have a relationship. I felt bad and started slipping in depression. I felt ugly and started trying to look for stuff to blaim it on. And i succeeded in that very well. I have these dark circles around my eyes and started thinking. How can a girl like me if i look like that. It's so ugly. How can someone love someone who is that ugly? Also i thoughed i had a really small penis, and i was afraid of showing it to a girl. I really though that if i would whip it out they would start laughing. With that mingset i was going in a downward spiral to depression.

    But then i had a break. At the age of 19 I met this girl (M) on the internet that i had been videochatting with. She was cute and seemed to like me. We met and had sex pretty much straight away. The sex wasn't that interesting. It was more the feeling of relief that i loved about it. While having the sex all the feeling of faillure just falls away for a little bit. It finally happend, im not a virgin anymore. I was wearing a condom and she was so wet that i barely felt anything. She didn't stay over. After that we had a relationship. I still lived with my parents so we would see each other every weekend. In the beginning the sex was nice and interesting. I had a whole week to reload and wathed porn less because i had real sex. It was just not to much sex to keep me interested in the beginning. But after a couple of months i noticed the drive to have sex became less. Ad i noticed it starting taking toll on our relationship. I would have to say no from time to time. After about a year i lost M to another guy she fell in love with. After that till i met my now girlfriend years later i have had a weird obsession about her. I looked alot at het pictures, our self ade porn, her facebook, dropbox and i even read thrue her mail. I couldn't stop wanting her. It drove me crazy.

    During the breakup i met another girl (L). She was new and refreshing. She wasnt as crazy and anoying as my ex girlfriend. We had went out and had sex a couple times before she dissapeared and stopped talking to me.

    Then after L i had not had sex for about 4-5 years. In this years my depression really kicked in. Also not being able to meet and talk with girls anymore i started thinking i was gay maybe. I started looking at gay porn. And meeting up with men to have sex with. After cumming to gayporn i always felt disqusting. But i would get a better sexual rush out of it then straight porn. I think i met about 10 guys to have sex with over the internet. Not a single time i was enjoying it. I just came and tried to get out of there as soon as possible.

    I started living with friends. Living with them came with doing a lot of drugs. Alot of drugs. And if your doing drugs when your not feeling good about yourself. You slip into a deep deep depression. I did everything. Weed everyday. Coke and XTC every other day. And many many other drugs. My eyes where black all around and i looked like a big junky. My cheeks where caved in and had this sad almost wanting to cry look in my eyes. I remember the feeling of horror and just wanting to cry when i looked in the mirror. A feeling i never like to remember. I started thinking about suicde on a daily basis. Thank god i never had the guts to really do it. At some point i realised if i didn't do something i would end up asking for money on the streets or something. I realised i had to flee somewhere and i decided to move back in with my parents. Away from a my drugsfriends and i barely ever saw them again. But when i did i would still do drugs. It took a couple months of rehab before i finally got the grip on it. And i actualy stopped using. As of the writing of today i am a little over 1 year completely clean. And not planing of using anytime soon. For me a great accomplisment that i am really proud of. Just writing it like this makes it feel like it was just over in a heartbeat. But this has had a huge affect on me. It was years and years of suffering. It really changed me to the person i am today.

    During this period of drug addiction i got addicted to gay porn and gay sex. Even though it diqusted me it gave me a sexual rush i could not get anywhere else. Because of my sexual past with playmates and my not being able to talk with girls the gay thing was the only sexual thing i had for years. If i could not get with girls this was the easiest thing that was reachable. I hated it, but it was the only this i could do to get off. I was and still am deeply ashamed of it. As i know now for sure that i am not gay. I like girls. i feel attraction to only girls. I want to be and cuddle with only girls. But the way i see it now from time to time i just want to suck a dick. And get sucked by a guy. Because that gives me that rush that i cant get with a girl. Once i do that i feel sick and disqusting again. I never got rid of the porn and sex addiction. That is why i am here. Every couple weeks i feel this rush coming up. And the only way i can stop it is if i watch gay porn. Every couple months i get this rush coming up. And the only way to stop is is to have sex with a guy. Only to feel Sick and disqusting after again.

    I started going to the darkroom about 3 years ago. Since the first time i went about 7-8 times now. Also during the time i am with my girlfriend now. I feel guilty and ashamed. I do not want this. I need to fix myself.

    Now i am the age of 26. I have a beautifull girlfriend who i love very much. And want to be with for the rest of my live. We have been together for almost 2 years. We moved in together and everything is good. She is a homofobe and i need to keep my past a secret to her. And i can't stop gayporn, masterbating and having sex with guys.

    I get less and less in the mood of sex. I really want to fuck her. But i dont get in the mood. I really want to screw her brains out and make her enjoy it. But i just dont feel like it. She reminds me a couple times a week with the question why we dont fuck anymore. All i do is ignore it or say i dont know. If i dont start fucking her good on a daily basis again i will lose her. I Hope masterbating is the problem. I dont do it often. Maybe once a week. But to know for sure if thats it i need to completly stop. I need to do this for the relationship.

    And now i will stop this. This is the day it is done. I will be a good lover and be faithful. I will say no to the rush.

    I am sorry for my english, and i am sorry if some readers might find some parts offensive. But this is my story and i wanted to share. I needed to share this.
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2018
  2. kameelteen

    kameelteen Fapstronaut

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    Last weekend i was at a party. I got so drunk i could not control my actions anymore. I was unfaitful and did something stupid again. I was so drunk people put me to bed. I got out and went to my friends room. Tried touching him and asked if i could suck his dick. He was to drunk to give a real reaction. I think he said stuff like wtf and get out of here. Eventually i did. I feel so fucking embaressed. What the fuck is wrong with me? The reason why i went to him is because like 5 years ago we got drunk and did have sex. Jezus christ i even feel embaressed typing this to people i dont know. Im such a psychopath. It has been a long time since i done something this stupid and embaressing. This is a big relapse even though there was no P, M or O. I have to reset my counter. Also alcohol is dangerous. I had to stop drinking alcohol to get over my drug addiction, and i can do it now again to get over my gay addiction. From today on, no more alcohol till i get this done.
     
  3. kameelteen

    kameelteen Fapstronaut

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    People reading my thread will probably just think im gay. And wonder why i don't just admit it. I understand. Reading my story probably should make you think that. All the evidence points to that direction. Trust me i have thoughed of that and even considered that. But i have come to the conclusion that im not.
    Everything that happend in my childhood happend because i was researching sexuallity. Even though my first sexual experiences where with boys. I fell in love with girls. I thoughed about girls. But i would never know the things i did in my younger years where the katalist of a big psychosis that would happen during my drug addiction. During my drug addiction i wasn't capable of talking with girls. I put girls on a pedestal. Like a treasure i wasn't worthy off. I felt so worthless and so bad that i knew i was not worth any girl. I put girls so far above myself. This showed in everything how i talked with girls. I was nervous, said weird things, did weird things. I had a complete loser vibe around me. You know that feeling when someone extremely important or famous walks in and talks to you? That is was i had with every girl. That is how i felt about all of them. They were gods and i was shit. No way i was going to be with a girl with that mindset. This in combination with my drug addiction got me in a 5 year long depression. A deep depression. A hole where i thoughed i would never get out of. This is the worst part of my life. I hate thinking back of this time. This is also the time where my gay addiction started. As i wasn't able to meet girls and have sex with them. I turned to the much more easy way. I wasn't scared of guys. I was comfortable with guys. So i started looking at gay porn. It was forbidden and disqusting. And it was a new way of getting off. I was getting bored of normal porn. It just didn't do much for me anymore. The fact that i started this while i had a drug addiction made everything much and much worse. When i got high from coke or xtc and was alone again. I started craving for the gay porn. Hours and hours of watching it. They where like forced thoughs. If i didn't give in to them, they would hunt my mind all night long. Countless sleepless nights, where all night these thoughs just drive through my head like a train. You beg the thoughs to stop but they just keep coming like 20 open porn tabs. I never was able to sleep after a night of drugs. And this was the reason. My brain being hijacked by this addiction. And when that was't enough anymore. I had to have sex with men. To find out again that i wasn't gay. To be disqusted by myself. To find out that i was fooling myself. That i was living in a psychosis. I have dealt with the drug addiction. But i still need to deal with the last part that is in me from those times. The other addiction. The addiction that is slowly taking me down.

    My head turns when i see a beatiful woman walking down the street. I love beatiful girls. I want to be romantic with girls. I fantasyse about girls. I can only fall in love with girls. There was not a singel time where i found a man attractive. Then how can i be gay? Even though i have the most fucked up passed i'd think to be possible. I am in a realtionship with a beautiful girl. And it is perfect. I get exacly the right comfort and love i crave for when i am feeling myself. But just sometimes the psychosis kicks back in. And if i don't give in, i lose my mind. It takes me back to those years of depression and torture.
     
  4. kameelteen

    kameelteen Fapstronaut

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    7 days in. The last week went allright. I fucked my gf twice which was very nice. But from time to time when i go to sleep. the gay thoughts keep checking in. I cant control it. Today i come home after my nightshift drink a beer. My gf is already sleeping in the bed. And the thoughts keep becoming worse and worse. Proud to have made it to 1 week. But i kind of know the forced thoughts are going to be so much worse. The struggle with keeping away is going to be so much harder.

    I had a dream a couple days ago about a friend i rarely see. I will tell more about that later. I am very tired. Will go to bed now to hug my gf and sleep. goodnight.
     
  5. kameelteen

    kameelteen Fapstronaut

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    So, i have had a pretty bad couple of days. i got to reset my counter again. I O once and watched P twice.
    First time i had to video call with a friend of my girlfriend to help her. And she is just drop dead gorgeous. She added me on instagram hours later and i started looking at het pictures. She has quite a lot of them. She definetly knows how beatiful she is. I scrolled true her pictures and put P on another tab next to her instagram. I MO'd.
    Second time was just now. I'm home alone and started looking at P. When the regular P doesn't tickle me anymore i started looking at GP. It was hard to turn it off eventually. I didnt M or O. I accualy never just broke a P i think. The strange feeling right after is just bizar. This extreme fog in my head that just needs some time to calm down. I guess thats the adrenaline going true my body. I believe that there i 2 reasons why i looked at P today. First nothing really seemed to stop me because i kind of had the feeling that the counter had to be reset anyway. I's feels kind of simular with smoking. Once you fail and then the whole break is off that kept you off of that bad thing in the first place. And second it's becuase i started having more and more urges. When i'm working or trying to sleep it just pops in to my head. The longer i keep distance from the GP, the more it hijacks my mind. I think this is also the reason why i have always let myself watch the GP. So it doenst fuck up my mind to where i might do bad stuff. Like go to a darkroom to suck dick.
    Ever since i started watching this kind of P i didn't want it. But somehow the rush kept me from looking at it. And even pursuing more and more. If i knew this the first time i watched GP i would never continue. It really gave me psychological scars. I damaged myself. Maybe i will never be able to have a normal healthy sex life.

    Now i want to ask you guys something. How do you fight the rush? I guess whatever P you watch the rush should be kind of similar. The reason that you keep watching it even though you know it's fucking you up. Does anyone have tips to fight the rush? Because it attacks me in the normal daily life.
     
  6. kameelteen

    kameelteen Fapstronaut

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    Counter has been reset twice already, lets start for real now!
     
  7. kameelteen

    kameelteen Fapstronaut

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    Already at 10 days. Had some diffucult moments. I almost convinced myself i wanted to go to the darkroom when i was half sleeping. But when i woke up i chose wisely and didn't go. It's like when i'm trying to fall asleep and when I'm waking or or in between sleep the forced thoughts are the strongest. I do get them in normal life but that's much less. How do you control forced thoughts when you are at your weekest (sleeping)?
     
  8. MichaelDracula

    MichaelDracula Fapstronaut

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    I read all your posts, and holy F you need to calm down. I went thru very similar stuff, you can read if you want to. I just never had any real gay sexual encounters in my life.

    Good things:
    1) you are most likely 100% heterosexual
    2) you don’t have ED

    Bad things:
    1) you have very addictive and uncontrolled personality
    2) if you continue your lifestyle, you will most likely suffer from ED

    My sexual discovery was also kinda weird and early. I started masturbating when I was 2,5 years old. I started watching porn at 9-10. I escalated to weird genres, cuckold, sissy, trans and finally gay porn, where I got ED, realized I have a problem and started NoFap. First of all, when it comes to fighting addiction (and you being drug addict yourself, I was a drug addict too at some point), you know, that in order to fight addiction you need to cut out this stuff COMPLETELY. That means, that porn is not an optiin for you. Hand job in massage salon, or by your friend is not an option for you. The only way you orgasm now, is with your girl. She is the only source of orgasms for you. You have to teach your brain that this is what it’s getting. No more no less.
    Secondly, man, stop with that F alcohol. What’s the point in fighting any addiction when you can’t control yourself. Sober up, you left drugs behind you, you are fighting porn addiction, might as well quit drinking.
    Third, you have to understand that your brain now, is dopamine seeking, ustable machine. You will have the highest F urges in your life, when you will be ready to transition to F female, just to be able to suck all the dicks on the planet. You will be aroused just by sexual word, written on NoFap. And it will be followed by devastating flatline, where you won’t be able to get any erection at all, will question your sexuality and self-worth. If you feel, that your girl will leave you because of low quality sex life, better leave her now yourself, because you will struggle a lot. After that, in your case it can take up to a year, without consuming any sexual content, you will most likely become just a normal human. Stay strong and don’t give up. It’s always easier to live in illusion and addiction, then face reality.
     
    Rehab101, theMashine and kameelteen like this.
  9. MichaelDracula

    MichaelDracula Fapstronaut

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    I still have troubles sleeping. I have sleep insomnia, as soon as I started hard mode nofap, I sleep even worse. My urges were strong at some point, I had 2 ways of fighting, first will be fantasizing about stuff, that I want to do with my life, different nonsexual scenarios. Second, is as soon as I get those thoughts I start laughing and telling myself this is ridiculous. Considering, that your girlfriend is sleeping right next to you, you can hug her, think about her etc. Connection with real people is breaking all those illusions of addicted brain.
     
    kameelteen likes this.
  10. maidenslaved

    maidenslaved Fapstronaut

    I have a very similar story to you. Luckily for me, my sexual abuse as a kid didn't go as far as yours. And yes, I'm sorry to say that you experienced sexual abuse. The quicker you admit this, the faster you will start to recover. I'm sure you felt in control at the time, but kids have no control or understanding. I luckily haven't became addicted to sex with numerous partners, partially due to the fact that I now have severe anxiety from my childhood trauma. From what I have read, you're lucky enough to not have gotten anxiety.

    Being worried and especially ashamed at sometimes being attracted to men is completely besides the point of your problem. First of all, if you were actually gay, you likely wouldn't be ashamed. Being gay is highly accepted now. Anyways, you're getting caught up in the wrong thing. You sound like an alcoholic who's ashamed at the fact that you drink a certain type of drink. You have a serious addiction. It sounds like you would benefit from therapy (about your childhood), as well as SLAA. Anyways, good luck!
     
    Ceridwen and kameelteen like this.
  11. kameelteen

    kameelteen Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your reply. It seems like you have a very good understanding of my situation. Being an addict is within the person. While the big differents between saying your only going to eat one cookie out of the pack and eventually eating the whole pack. Or only having one drink and eventually being completly wasted. Or promising yourself you won't do drugs ever again and minutes later your smoking a joint. It all has one thing in common. The addicted mind can't and won't accepts it's limits set by himself. It say's it's going to do the one thing and when its turns around it does the other. It keeps lying to itself. The carrier of the addicted mind loses all self respect and keeps giving itself more and more to the addicted mind. No mather what the addiction is, the symptons and the result are the same. Self hate, low self esteem and much more negative effects.
    A thing that is common to the addicted mind is when it finally breaks free from one addiction. It fills the gap with the other. Just like i did. After i took care of my drug addiction, i lost myself in to a gambling addiction. I lost around €35 000,- i didn't have. I will be paying for that the coming 6 years.

    Looking back at all the wrong and bad descicions i made you are completly right. I have a very addictive and uncontrolled personality. Where i don't want to do something. And all logic tells me not to. I do it anyway. Just to satisfy my addicted brain. My problems go way beyond a GP addiction. But the GP addiction is something that has most priority to be taken care of. If i want to be able to love my gf the way she deserves to be loved. If i want to F my gf in the way she deserves to de F'ed. I need to take care of the GP addiction. But after reading this, maybe it means taking care of my addicted mind completly.
     
  12. kameelteen

    kameelteen Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for this. I tried this last night and it seems to work. Just laugh at the thoughts, ridicule them and try to seperate from them. I am not those thoughts. Those thoughts hijacked my brain and i gave them permission to take full control. I need to get control back. And that will start with taking distance from them. This seems like a very good way to start!
     
  13. kameelteen

    kameelteen Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your reply! I have been debating with myself for the past years whether i was abused or not. It definetly feels like it emotionally. But when i think about it logically it is a hard concept for me to grasp. I was not only in control. But i was also the instigator. I dont remember if i was the instigator, but the amount of stuff that happend in my childhood i had to be. When something abnormal keeps happening to the child. It must be something the child does. How else would that many abnormal things happen to the child? While thinking about this i come up with alot more questions. How F'ed up i must be that i would have so many sexual experiences as a child? There can only be something very wrong in my mind. Maybe therapy is the way to go. I will consider this. But telling my whole story to some strangers on the internet is already hard. I cant even imagine how it must be to tell everything to a real person face to face.

    And about the anxiety, i am not completly scar free. Where i like people, feel comfortable with people and can talk well. Whenever i feel a conflict coming up i panic big time. Extreme pulsing heart, difficulty breathing, withdrawing in my mind and getting something similar to being in shock. It's diffuclt to explain. But i think i can only compare it to being in shock. These things can happen very easily, from when someone just says something bad to me, or complaints about something i do. To maybe me having the idea that i annoy someone, or someone doesn't like me pressence. It gets really bad when there is a real conflict.
     
  14. kameelteen

    kameelteen Fapstronaut

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    16 days and counting. The next 3 days i will be home alone. This is mostly where it goes bad. I must stay strong. Thank you all for your answers, it really helps me!

    I have realised after reading your comments that i must substain from everything. Alcohol and anything porn related. Yesterday my gf wanted to play some porn games on the computer. She asked me to sit next to her so i obeyed. Luckily those games are really lame and it didn't trigger anything bad in me. But it could be dangeous. How would i go about something like that? My gf also follows this porn thing on twitter and sometimes we watch it together. How can i not watch that anymore without getting my gf suspiscous about something being wrong with me?

    I am very thankful that i have a gf that really loves me. Even though she doesn't know exactly what is wrong with me. She senses there must be something. I don't F her as much as i used to. I wish i wanted to F her more. But i don't feel like it. Just S doesn't trigger my dopamine. I hope it will happen soon. If i want this to happen i must cut P out forever. my gf deserves me to F her like she wants to be F'ed. And i want to be the one to do it. I think even if our S life stays bad she will stay with me. I sure hope so because i don't know how long this is going to take.

    Before going to NOFAP i was watching youtube. Some channel i follow and have been watching for years. The reason why it interest me is because they do something i love. Also the girl is very beatiful. But now after 16 days of NOFAP. Just looking at the video and that girl it started to give me urges straight away. I had to shut it down because i felt my mind slipping away to a bad place. I am getting to the danger zone now, where everything could be a potential trigger. I must be very careful now. About 3 years ago when i discovered NOFAP i reached a little over 1 month. Let's keep that goal in mind at first. And after i reach one month we will see further.
     
  15. MichaelDracula

    MichaelDracula Fapstronaut

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    I will recommend you not to go to therapist. I know a lot of people here on the forum will recommend you to do that. I know a lot of Americans go to therapist the same way they go shopping. But therapist will not understand your problem, he will most likely not know the whole picture. Most therapists don't even recognize porn as addiction as far as I know.

    Best thing for you right now is to separate yourself from anything that can do harm to your social life and cause addiction. Drugs, alcohol, betting, porn and gay sex. I'd also recommend you to minimize sexual encounters with your partner, because after orgasm, you will most likely have chaser effect, and your cravings for dopamine will increase. You need to reboot first, that means setting your clock back to original state, when dopamine levels are normalized.

    I feel the same in social situations. When I am a little bit nervous, I am basically choking, can't breathe and have troubles speaking. Avoiding eye contact. It's getting better. I am 78 days in, my ED is still present, I still don't have morning wood, it's still hard for me. Every day I think about the day when I will wake up, feel complete and healed. I think in my case I need a lot more time.


    You just tell yourself that this is just a computer screen, nothing interesting and sexual here, focus your mind on your girl. Make fun of it, try not to get too deep into it. I am 78 days in, I've seen a lot of pictures of girls, guys on instagram and real naked bodies in life. As long as you are not recognizing it as something sexual, and keeping distance, you are safe. Also, just tell your girl you are more interested in interacting with her, than watching porn with her. Just say that you feel that porn is artificial and not really benefiting your sex lives. Be open about your anti-porn views, but don't tell her about your problems.

    It will be hard at the beginning but as long as you go 40+ days, you will not think about porn anymore. I am in the flatline, I feel completely asexual, but funny part is, I feel like I lost my interest in porn, but never discovered new interest. I feel like a child just discovering my sexuality.
     
  16. maidenslaved

    maidenslaved Fapstronaut

    Whether or not you were the instigator, it is still unhealthy trauma you experienced. I was the instigator in a lot of my childhood sexual abuse. There was only a few times I can think of not wanting it at the time. And in the midst of PMO as an adult, I often thought to myself that I should have gone further as a kid (more sexual abuse). The truth about being the instigator as a kid is that I never felt safe and so I wanted to feel something good. I also wanted to have power over something, and feel in charge for once. I was the youngest in my family, and my parents were very distant. I can't recall one time an adult telling me that everything was okay. I'm happy to say that I never sexually abused anyone as an adult but shiver at the thought that, that might only be because I was never given a real opportunity. My point is experiencing sexual acts at an early age like that is traumatic no matter how in control you feel at the time. I'm not trying to tell you anything about yourself, only my experience and opinion. Only you know everything about yourself and your past.
     
  17. Exponential Power

    Exponential Power Fapstronaut

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    Keep trying to improve yourself! My story is similar. I was sexually abused as a child and had gender identity and body image issues. I thought I was gay or bisexual for most of my life. My story is proof that Nofap works. The longer you stay away from porn the better you'll feel. I am 8 months clean from a 20 year gay porn addiction and and I feel like I am finally discovering my true self.
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/145-days-heres-my-story.147453/
     
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2018
    maidenslaved likes this.
  18. kameelteen

    kameelteen Fapstronaut

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    Congrats on your great streak! Can't wait till i reach the times where i won't have the urges to watch P anymore.
     
  19. kameelteen

    kameelteen Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your experience and your opinion. I really appreciate you share it with me. Be glad that you never had the oppertunity to act on abusing someone when you where an adult. I remember one point in my life where i did try to do something with a nefu a couple years younger then me when i had the age of 19/20. He was around 15/16 then. We were playing shooter games behind my computer and he wanted to watch P. So ofcourse the rush in my head starts and i open P. I get so horny that i ask him if he wants to compare dicks. Luckily he didn't want to, because to me ofcourse it wans't only about comparing dicks. My addicted mind had already taken over and it was a trick into doing more. When my addicted mind takes over I lose all sense of what is normal and what is moraly acceptable. This is something that could become very dangerous.

    Just thinking about this moment in my life i realise how fucked up my mind is. My childhood experiences might make me into some disquesting person. I don't want that, because behind this P addiction i am a really nice and good person.
     
  20. kameelteen

    kameelteen Fapstronaut

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    Very inspirational story! Thanks for sharing
     

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