Addict IQ and recovery

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Vixen, Oct 25, 2018.

  1. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Does the addicts IQ go up after 90 days of recover? Does it nose dive sometime after the first 30 days if reboot?

    Last night he conducted some really dumb deception. Lying about not clearing his Instagram history and not ever using the search. My goodness... I mean he knows there is accountability software on his phone and he lies to my face! I can only assume it’s to hide something bigger. Or he’s just not thinking. His brain operations (or lack thereof) is simply mind blowing to me. And it’s blowing up the trust recovery.
     
  2. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    I think it’s more EQ rather than IQ. Something my hubby and I had talked about in beginning was the lack of Emotional intelligence especially while using. I think depending on stage of the addiction/recovery from the addicts with effect the Level of EQ i guess I see it as being dependent upon the newly developing emotional maturity that is growing with actual recovery. Maybe the difference between struggling with sobriety versus recovery, recovery is has more personal growth! It can take a while for the distinction to be known and felt.
    I hope I’m making sense here. Trying to get my thoughts across with headache and a couple of hours past my bedtime.
     
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  3. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    How are you doing?
     
  4. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    I’m doing much better now. I was dark and overwhelmed earlier today when it was just me and my brood (and mood). But after getting together with my college roommate, family dinner/talk, and Facebook video with BFF I’m really feeling much much better. Thanks for asking! And thank you for your explanation of emotional intelligence. That makes sense and gives me a bit more hope for the future. So long as he commits to total honesty. If that is possible.

    How are you? What’s your situation?
     
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  5. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    I’m good. Hubby and I have been at this for long time now. I like to think we are a success but it’s a continuous thing. It takes a lot of relearning for both of us. Correcting the bad habits that took years to develop takes time, balance, empathy and patience. I’m glad my reply helped a bit and glad you are feeling better. Something that I can refer you to that greatly helps with communication and understanding is the Gottman institute books. You have his recovery, your healing and the relationship. The Gottman books help to give the tools to come together and work on the relationship. I would highly recommend reading and doing the exercises together. We had set aside time on Sunday nights to read a chapter together.

    https://www.gottman.com/product/what-makes-love-last/

    https://www.gottman.com/product/seven-principles-making-marriage-work-revised-book/
     
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  6. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the reccomendations! A while back my husband actually got the seven principles set that includes workbooks! The addiction was still holding him back then. Before I knew what was going on. He would get books like that and never follow through on reasing. And scoff with annoyance if he saw me reading it. Absurd. Hopefully we can revisit with more success further into recovery. It does seem to be a valuable tool!
     
  7. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    Our storyline in a nutshell is 19 years together, about to have our 10th wedding anniversary. The first DDay was physical betrayal 5 years ago. 4 years of betrayal trauma, that was a up hill battle. DDay #2 was finding his special collection. I suspected a porn problem with the struggling affair recovery. When I found his collection I saw the depth and scope of how bad his addiction really was and that was the “rock bottom” for him and make or break moment for me. It’s been just over a year with no PM in our lives (just over 400 days for him).
    The hardest was the 4 years between dday’s for us.
     
  8. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    Very much can be. The 7 principals is what saved our marriage after the the infidelity. That was the only book he remotely took seriously in affair recovery. It also helped with me and the roller coaster of shit I was going through at the time.
    His porn habit and “acting out” porn wise with it was stil going on in full swing during the affair recovery and he was hiding it all. He was in complete denial about it during that time. It completely held back the recovery.
     
  9. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Wow you are a trooper! I’m not sure I could get past physical betrayal. Was it emotional affair or part of sex addiction?

    You have come a long way and I’m impressed! I’m also intimidated by how daunting a lengthy struggle for recovery would be.
     
  10. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    It’s was purely physical, that was bad enough. I think my tag line was “I won’t apologize for I feel but I will apologize for how I handle it”. We made it through, we worked together and now we are truly better for it. Boundaries are important and so is learning how to fight/disagreements. It took us a while on the communication front and we are still improving. It can and will get better with commitment, honesty and integrity.
     
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  11. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    IQ never actually changes for anyone. But emotional intelligence is another story. It blows my mind how stupid they can be especially nearing a relapse.
     
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