1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Acceptable Restrictions?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Bubblegum15, Aug 1, 2018.

  1. Bubblegum15

    Bubblegum15 Fapstronaut

    23
    41
    13
    A question for both PA and SO, what restrictions did you both agree to put in place in order to help both PA and SO ie technology wise? Did you both agree and how?

    For example, we have installed Ever Accountable, use of Snapchat and instagram is now monitored (he used this for p-subs) but refuses to give it up completely because he doesn’t want to feel cut off from the world. I’m not happy with this. Computer is now restricted to only in use if I’m there. However, he states he feels he is being monitored constantly and that I am being ‘power hungry’ by attempting to control everything. He fails to see how these programmes and steps are for his benefit and believes it’s just a result of my insecurity.

    SO: How did you tackle this?
    PA: Did you feel ok with everything being ‘locked down’?
     
    moonesque likes this.
  2. ClassyKing

    ClassyKing Fapstronaut

    I once had a similar experience when I was younger. My parents caught me looking at porn on our shared family computer one too many times, and decided to implement software to block certain websites. Not only did it do a good job, but it did TOO good of a job. Social media and Youtube back then were consider too mature for kids so the software would block us out of those things too. No MySpace or Facebook until I had my own laptop. Needless to say I didn't like the software, but I was also 13 with uncontrollable hormones that couldn't be trusted. If you think your partner is not gonna behave and decide to look at porn than do it. They WILL feel locked down, but it would be for their own good. I would just give them a chance though to see how much self control they have.
     
    Butterfly1988 and Bubblegum15 like this.
  3. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    Well, I'm a PA without an SO, but I think I would feel like the no computer use without the SO present is going a step too far. He may feel like you are hanging over his shoulder and behaving like his mother and treating him like a child. Is there a third party you both trust that could take over monitoring and accountability, so you're not the "bad guy"? You might also consider talking to him about losing the computer restriction if he deletes Snapchat and Instagram, and leave it with simply EA.

    I also don't have any filters or anything on my internet, as I simply want to test filters, and see them as a challenge to get around. I'm too tech-inclined for filters to really work for me. Having no "fence" makes me more conservative in my internet behavior. Just so you know where I'm coming from.
     
    Bubblegum15 likes this.
  4. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    We had a big fight about FB once...
    (Me and @Rock_Star did.. Tagging him in case you wanted to ask him directly about it)
    He told me that he hated getting off social media then, but after about two weeks he noticed a decrease in his depression and he was much happier without it.
    He also said lots of the same things about "needing connections to the world" etc.
    What we both discovered was as long as we "needed the world", we weren't looking to each other.
    So I got off FB too.
    It's been two years.
    We are both MUCH happier mentally and emotionally.
    In my opinion.
     
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Oh, we also have EA (on all devices) ... And he isn't allowed tech in the bathroom.
    Nor in the bedroom.
    I don't lord over him however.
    & we do agree on the no social media... However, this a MUTUAL boundary and adheres to me, as well.
    (other than my work Twitter account & NoFap - which were agreed to)
     
  6. I had been wondering about this too, it was my first instinct, maybe also an instinct to protect myself, to restrict and monitor my SO's phone which was his main source for browsing and downloading porn. Especially after I had suggested it and my SO's addiction kept showing when he was refusing to have his freedom taken away and that "if we would ever break up in theory" I would probably just refuse to give him the passwords for the restrictive apps "out of revenge" and his phone would be pretty much useless then. That was scary to hear and realize how twisted and far from reality an addict's mind thinks and justifies to protect the addiction, but after discussing for a very long time, he finally agreed to it. However, I think that the only way the addict will truly heal is if he himself wants to not look at porn anymore. I'm sure it will be very helpful for his willpower, especially in the beginning, but ultimately, he really has to be able to choose not to want to look at porn anymore, and not be forced to by an app. If he is refusing to be too restricted, he might realize that it's a lot harder in terms of discipline and willpower, and he might relapse more easily, and maybe change his mind then, but if he chooses his freedom over an easy recovery, then I think that should be respected too.
     
    Bubblegum15 likes this.
  7. Bubblegum15

    Bubblegum15 Fapstronaut

    23
    41
    13
    To put it in perspective, this is the 5th time he has been caught and is trying to change, we are not even one week past the last D-day so trust is sparse at the moment. Previously, we didn’t use these tools and within weeks he was back at it. So, I wonder if he can really do it through willpower and giving all the freedom that came with the last few times, especially knowing how it ended up. The computer is how he generally accessed it before, he would spend hours mindlessly browsing the internet and spend hours looking at it. He has admitted in the past that was an issue.
     
    moonesque likes this.
  8. I think relapsing is part of the healing process but if he seems to be having such a hard time with it, maybe you could tell him that the more he relapses, the more he will hurt your trust, maybe that could be a good motivation for him to agree to an easier recovery through more restrictions?
     
  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I think a few may be par for the course, for healing... But after 4 or 5 relapses (circumstances pending sort of like this..)
    .... It does seem like He's not trying and it's like...
    Come on dude!

    But he has to want these changes too... Otherwise you are wasting good time and energy and he's just going to circumvent them
     
    moonesque and Numb like this.
  10. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Things I wanted him to do, that he had no problem agreeing to:
    - No phone in the bathroom or bedroom
    - No deleting anything like texts, history, emails (he can put them in the trash where they auto delete after 30 days but he can't clear the trash)
    - I got the passwords to everything
    - No adding new apps on his phone (this was a problem) on his own

    Things he decided he wanted to do:
    - No private browsing (with me having the code), with restricted browsing
    - Deleted all social media, hasn't had it for over a year
    - After a while he decided that he didn't want to use the internet at all. So now he uses his phone for text/calls, maps/gps, weather, music, and email.
    He says he loves not using the phone as much as he used to. He puts it down when he gets home and doesn't pick it up again until he goes to work the next day. When we go out, he usually leaves it in the car.

    I've asked him if he wants to add more stuff back in and he says no.
     
    Butterfly1988, moonesque and Kenzi like this.
  11. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    842
    2,515
    143
    First off, you have Every Right to say NO Social Media... it's safety issue for you. my husband used on Insta, and he got rid of it. He never used FB but still doesn't really have much access, and he got rid of the rest of social media like snapchat. He wanted to show me that he was going to help create a safe environment.

    And using the computer in your presence, same boundaries I put down. My husband doesn't use any tech unless it's in my presence, except for his phone because it has EA.

    @Jak3 is my husband and at first he definitely felt uncomfortable and restricted (correct me if I am wrong Jak) and would ask for video games back because he used video games and PMO together so vid games went out the door with PMO. at the 6 month mark I think he got the memo that bad trigging addicty stuff was out of the picture for his own good and for my safety.

    It sounds like your guy is manipulating you or trying to by calling you power hungry. Essentially his addict side is fighting to keep addicty things.
     
  12. Zaccheus

    Zaccheus Fapstronaut

    21
    16
    3
    As a recently started recovering PA, when my wife first discovered my P a year ago, I used many of the same rationalizations as your guy. I wasn't fully committed to quitting and was trying to leave back doors open so that I would have the option to return. I am now in a place where I want full recovery and honestly my the restrictions I suggested were far greater than the ones she did. They actually are even inconvenient for her but she has welcomed helping me get better.
     
  13. Rock_Star

    Rock_Star Fapstronaut

    95
    342
    123
    I highly recommend reading or if audiobooks are easier get "out of the dog house" by Robert Weiss. he goes into detail on what to do how to disclose and what is going to far.
    the unwillingness to change is normal behavior for an addict though. you need to stay strong and set up strong boundaries. the important thing is that you are comfortable. he messed up and broke your trust. he needs to work on rebuilding trust and be willing to give up a lot of his freedoms. he gave up his freedoms when he decided to cheat on you, and if he wants to stay with you he should do whatever you need to help you trust him again.
     
  14. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    1,313
    2,084
    143
    At the end of the day , if he wants to use he will find away . Doesn’t matter how many blocks you put on how many devices . He has to WANT it . I know this sounds harsh , but that’s probably the FIRST thing an SO should realize. Mine had a secret laptop for a decade before I found it 12/16. 565 now , but that doesn’t mean I don’t get suspicious. How could I not . Be open honest how you feel always .
     
    Numb and Kenzi like this.
  15. Bubblegum15

    Bubblegum15 Fapstronaut

    23
    41
    13
    It doesn’t matter now. He relapsed anyway. He doesn’t want it. I don’t even know anymore.
     
    mcgrim likes this.
  16. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    1,313
    2,084
    143
    Oh no ! I’m so so sorry ! Xoxo . Just remember YOU matter .
     
  17. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    I am probably late to the punch, but if he is serious about a commitment to recovery he would embrace the restrictions. He would be open to them, and willing to accept the help they can provide. I still have restrictions on my phone, I did ask at one point many months ago to have them removed, and set goals for them, but wasn’t able to meet them. Sure it feels silly when I come across another site that is blocked with a good article that I want to read, but I can always ask to have it added to an exception. Regardless, any time it happens to block a site, it is a reminder I have recovery work to do, it is my actions that led to the lack of trust and needs for accountability from my partner.
    For your PA, he needs to recognize he has a problem and is powerless against it, and genuinely be willing to take whatever steps necessary to recover. Until that happens he will always be an addict. He has to take that first step. I wish you both the strength and courage to win this battle against P.
     
  18. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    So I'd like to give you my take on it I'm in hardmode TMO 135 days today married and in a relationship I was compulsive with my wife I also used her by objectification during sex I look at porn I masturbated when I didn't get what I wanted from her and I'm going to tell you what worked for me I let her lock my phone up. I put a block on my phone so I couldn't look at anything I put a browser on there so I couldn't watch any porn she locked the computer up completely what you have to realize is that you have to remove the ability for you to look at anything not restricted and then you have to be abstinent from everything that you have been doing but I have to say the one thing you have to have is commitment and if you don't have that then you need to crank it up a notch my wife was about to leave me maybe that's what it might take? Me and my wife been married 33 years and we are in a restorative state in our marriage we're introducing intimacy a little bit at a time but straight up intercourse is not going to happen for some time right now. The other thing is is that my spouse is doing it along my side so she's also not having any sex whatsoever because she also realized that she was kind of a codependent in the entire thing even though I was the one that was pushy she still went along with it. So if you can look at my blog you can also read my journal I got an excellent boundary list are you can check out. So all these things are people are saying about put a little fence around them make them accountable know you have to remove it okay but they have to have commitment first. We've done this with the little bit of help from a sex therapist a lot of self-help books but mostly we've done it with our belief systems and in our spiritual growth to the love of God all I have to say is it's all is worth it at the end but you have to go through a process to make it happen nofap is an awesome deal to use when used right but you have to have a commitment to not ever relapse it's not called relapsers anonymous so anybody that needs a little bit of help with this please feel free to call or check with me last man standing forever challenge is what I've got going currently and a few others I've finished all the other challenges on there I don't know if I'm going to go all the way to 180 days but we might need to the thing is you can't put a number on it you got to see where you're at in the process and how your significant others healing is also going so it's a complicated process You Can't Hurry it, even sexuality is one of the most complex things we can never deal with anyway God bless and I hope that this helped I have a WhatsApp line if you want to check it out read my journal if you want to know more
     
    Jason_Tesla_19 likes this.
  19. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

    243
    224
    43
    I do not like having everything being locked down. Felt like being controlled by a police. That would make me feel suffocated as if I am in jail. Imo, in some way it is insecurity. Honesty is the key to solve everything. I like to know I have the freedom to do whatever but chose not to do it. My so understood that. I think it's ok to find other women attractive in pics or real life but should never seek them crazily or obsessively. Look at the women , take a moment to appreciate, and move on.
     
  20. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    1,313
    2,084
    143
    That’s pretty hard for an SO to just do . Shoe on other foot my hubs would freak the fuck out . Especially when there is porn ADDICTION involved . You would NOT ask your best friend whom is a newly open alcoholic to hold your beer so you could use the restroom ? If so that’s just wrong . Clearly the PA for many COMPLETELY takes over every aspect of their life .
     

Share This Page