Abusive relationship? wife of a PA here

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by ClearChrystal, Mar 24, 2017.

  1. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    Told husband I think he has PA a week ago. HEs in aother country on holday. YEsterday we chatted on facetime. TOpic came about a movie he downloaded to watch, that I had watched that day. It has lots of sex in it, and a threesome scene played on a music tune. I said that I made ot once on that tune. WHats the big deal, he's gonna rub one out on it anyway, he chose to movie to watch whilst he's away. HE said I shouldnt mention sex before meeting him because I'm his wife and he's my husband, simple as. I retorted with, I think tht as a wife I would like more sex from this all-mighty husband, simple as. No reply.

    My husband is a high earner. Atm I'm a SAHM and we have a joint account. HE's out of the contry with our kid so he knew my activity, that one day this week I went for movie and pampering and hairdresser with a friend. Tonight a facebook notification asks me to approve a tag from somoene. It was from my husband, tagging me on a bunch of memes reading:
    'damn, my wife has got the credit card',
    ' my credit card got stolen the other day, I dindt report it because the thief spends less than my wife' and
    'I gave that bitch a card, bitches love credit cards'.

    This before even asking me waht's happened, how did I spend the money (100GBP )

    Now this post isn't showing on my timeline as I did't approve the tag, but it's on his profile for all our friends and family to see.

    In context: I am not the type of girl who EVER spent money on herself out since our 2yo was born. Any money I spent on myself had been from my earnings from before baby. We both agreed that I stay at home to raise the kids. Every shopping trip is fun and I end up getting stuff our kid needs. This is the only time I have spent on myself, including last week, as I needed some new tops as pregnant and nothing fits the bump. When I was working we split everyhting and I paid my share of the bills.

    I came home excited to make a selfie to show him my new hair and I got those memes pls a message saying that he's 'putting me on 100 quid amonth allowance'.

    Is that a way to divert from the fact that I enquire about life and porn and sex?
    In my shock I didn't mention to him because I have forgotten tbh. I went ot with my friend and she did not have her card with her. So I put it all on my card knowing that she will transfer me the money later, she alwasy has. But I had forgotten all taht and the expense showed on the account and that was his reaction.

    So now his ammunition against me is:
    - I am stupid, 'he told me' not to spend a lot
    - ofcourse nagging and never happy
    - the rest of it

    It's hard to distinguish now what is real. ATM he is sulkign and upset so ofcourse I can't approach for a week with anything else. THis is a pattern. I just wonder if it's connected to his porn addiction since I started to test the waters and drop hints here and there.

    So I messaged him that I'm not some #porn girl' off the street that he can call bitch, I am his pregnant wife and the mother of his first child, and him shaming me on facebook lke taht is very hurtful.

    Great conflict solving, heh? WHen I am upset with him I go to him first and ask for accountability, I don't go public with ofensive things about him.
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2017
  2. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    It might be part of the bigger problem of lack of empathy and respect. Addicts can start building a ledger of perceived insults, slights, and injuries to justify their behavior. They may be looking to validate any feelings of being a victim or a martyr and may feel fully justified in watching porn as long as they provide for their family.

    Addicts do become very selfish, quick to anger, harbor resentment, avoid direct confrontation, or lash out childishly instead of acting like a mature adult. Addicts have poor coping skills and when they feel victimized they will act out - with PMO, blaming others, yelling, or being verbally/physically abusive.

    I had those feelings and financial stress brought out the worst in me many times. I never put the two together until after I started my reboot. I had to learn it wasn't ok to lash out with my emotions or let my emotions build up a point where I explode. Here I am 43 years old and I'm finally learning to act like a grown up.
     
  3. ClearChrystal

    ClearChrystal Fapstronaut

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    Just so offended by those memes calling me 'biatch'. They were along wiht the meme talking about the 'wife' so t's kinda clear the message. ANd public. Just wanna tell him maybe he should wwatch so many biatches online as he lost sight of what a real woman is, that sticks around, loves, has a body that changes, and is more than a 'biach' by millions. But I don't want to be on the offensive , was hoping amicale talk can work
     
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  4. Carbon Icon

    Carbon Icon Fapstronaut

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    In my opinion his behaviour is absolutely abusive. I'm surprised you have to ask... he called you a bitch and tried to public shame/humiliate you via facebook. This is not how you treat someone you love and respect.
    I also think you may be right that the money issue is being used as a diversion. He can avoid having to deal with his porn issue by creating arguments about other topics. It's a smokescreen. He will likely do whatever he can to avoid having to deal with his addiction and maintain the "norm" as long as possible.
    I would suggest that you talk about the issues separately, one at a time.
    It may sound unromantic but a marriage/relationship is essentially a deal you two have made. You can change the terms anytime you want and he may or may not agree to the new terms.
    Make it clear what your terms are, what you are willing to accept in the relationship and what is a deal breaker.
    Are you ok with porn use and it's effects on your relationship?
    Are you ok with not having a say in the budget/spending of money?
    Are you ok with being called names and embarrassed online?
     
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  5. Buzz Lightyear

    Buzz Lightyear Fapstronaut

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    Wow. I would start confronting him about this. If you can get him to change, you may be able to salvage a decent marriage.
     
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  6. stacey

    stacey Fapstronaut

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    I was a victim of financial abuse in my last marriage. Sounds like the same stuff going on with you... Public shaming is definitely NOT ok!!!!
     
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  7. Hanging by a thread

    Hanging by a thread Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry you endured that bs. addicts act like children and they create stories in their heads to justify bad behavior. He took it to another level by posting such nasty stuff about you, his wife, the mother of his kids. What an embarasment he is. Alot of men who have addictions to porn/sex tend to also be very disrespectful towards women, thinking they are just objects to be used. Apparently he thinks you are just a home maker, a women who keeps house clean, have babies, have sex whenever he feels like it when he doesnt' have porn around to fulfill his needs, someone who make his dinner and doesnt' deserve to be treated like a human to do something nice for yourself like getting a hair cut. I would more then question his addiction, i would question his true self and the type of person he really is. For someone to do such childish things shows that he is very immature and not deserving of a real woman like you. My bf is very immature too, he's now my ex bf, i'm waiting for him to move out i've had enough of the immaturity and mental abuse i go through with his manipulation and distortions. If i stay i allow his disease to progress and at this point i have accepted that maybe this is just who he truly is with or without addiction. He might just be a womanizer, degrader, abusive, ego maniac, narcists, a user, a predator, etc... I'm sadden to come to this conclusion but i had given him enough oppty's to get true help, he instead just went through the motions without emotions and continued to start fights with me to justify bad behavior. Any time i try to ask about his sobriety and feelings he clams up and gets defensive, defensiveness = guilt.
    I'm sorry that you have a harder situation as children are involved and you are a SAHM, it's harder for you to leave but i think that if you dont want to continue to live with someone who disrespects you like that and is abusive that you start planning an exit strategy - "just incase", maybe saving money on the side and start counseling of your own as well as reaching out to family and friends you feel comfortable talking to. You deserve a man who respects you, the mother of his kids especially, and putting you down while you have so much on your plate shows that he is not a man of integrity or respect. I'm rooting for you and your children. Don't let his abusive nature get you down. Be strong for yourself and your kids.
     
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  8. as a recovering sexual and drug addict, while active i would use my own forms of 'social sabotage' to confuse and throw my significant other off the track *which typing now feels slightly insane 'protecting' my relationship with visual images over a flesh and blood human being, ugh?* soes anyway i he's essentially playing 'meme' mind games Lord knows he's pretty far out. if we won't even acknowledge there's a problem then help is even further away. Manipulation of finances is a form of holding people hostage while we act whatever unhealthy way that suits us...
    it ultimately cost me my 1st wife, a fiancée and most importantly a son none of who will even respond now should i reach out
    all for just images on a laptop...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 27, 2017
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  9. Silas

    Silas Fapstronaut
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    @ClearChrystal What access do you have to your financial records? My deepest regret was trusting my husband and all the time he was withdrawing large amounts of cash to spend in strip clubs and with prostitutes, whilst traveling for work. So take a look. Also look for odd payments to websites - not necessarily obvious such as Epoch... those payment centres process payments for tokens for camera to camera sites such as my husband's favourite: MyFreeCams. He spent thousands upon thousands.... And all the while bemoaning every little thing I bought for our children, the house and spent on me and yet I was not good enough to have sex with because I was fat, stupid and ugly. Now we are in place where I am concerned about our financial future, and that money has gone - been spent on whores and porn. I have umpteen memories polluted by his gaslighting and frankly vicious behaviour towards me. If you do find yourself in my particular flavour of hell, take action. Be proactive. My retirement is not going to be anything like I had hoped, dreamed and imagined.

    I can't emphasize this enough. Your husband is abusive... he is walking a path. His lack of respect for you is a symptom of something much deeper, darker and way more troubling.
     
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  10. It seems to me like he's definitely lashing out at you in retaliation for confronting him over his porn use.
     
  11. sparkywantsnoPMO

    sparkywantsnoPMO NoFap Moderator & Yeoman

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    Having been abusively controlling in my past, I agree with everyone else. And to be truthful, you can't go to him with resources and tell him to fix himself over it. If you do, he'll blame you if a particular technique doesn't work, or if you don't immediately accept that he has changed because he did what you asked.

    If you want to salvage the marriage, you have to set an ultimatum, hope he accepts that he is wrong, and put it on him to take responsibility to change his behaviors. And he has to understand that it is you, not him, who decides when the relationship can begin to heal. Even if that means years.

    I think I learned that too late.
     
  12. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    The OP has posted her story across many threads. She composed a letter that she emailed him while he was away and it really woke him up. When he came home they had the 'Big Talk' and he has been responsive to change. Her last post is here. There's hope for a good outcome.
     
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