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Welcome to the Partner Support section. It is not unusual for a wife or girlfriend to be 'cool' with their husband looking at porn and then later have a problem with it. Society at large does not understand the damage porn is causing relationships. It may take many years before problems or side effects start to manifest themselves. Do not feel guilty for allow it and changing your mind. You could not have foreseen that this would turn into an addiction as destructive as alcohol or drugs.

Many addicts realize their is some sort of problem and try to get better on their own. They fail because they underestimate the severity of the problem. There is a large gap between a habit or vice and a full blown addiction.
The NoFap community provides tools that cannot be found elsewhere.

You mention that you are looking for understanding. There are people here who have been through the depths of addiction and climbed their way out of it. What would you like to know? Do you need to understand how addiction works? Do you want to know if your husband is a typical addict? Do you need help understanding how difficult it is to stop? This is not a place where we blame the spouse and protect the addict. However, addiction is a real disease that causes changes in the brain and body which willpower alone cannot overcome.

Also understand that you have every right to feel the way you do. Porn addiction is a betrayal to the marriage vow. There is nothing an addict can do to change the past, but they have to power to make their future better. Getting clean requires addicts to relearn what it means to be human. Once they relearn these qualities and skills then they can become the person they once were or an even better version of themselves. Not only do they have healing that needs to happen but YOU also have wounds than need healing. Your feelings are just as valid as his. Many people do not have friends or family in real life to discuss this sort of thing, but you will find both addicts and spouses who 'get it' and can offer answers, advice, and comfort. Please let us know how we can help.

 

While I agree completely with the previous reply, I would like to point out that calling your husband "weak weak" suggests you don't understand the problem at all and probably don't see how you may be contributing to it. I certainly don't want to blame the victim here, but anger and blame help drive him towards the nonjudgmental porn fantasies. A common theme I've found here is porn addiction starts as a seemingly harmless way to get the good feelings of social and sexual connections without the risk and effort needed with real people. We all grow up being told it's normal and even beneficial. It's not till many years or even decades later that we find out it's extremely toxic to relationships but by then our brains have become completely dependent on porn. Undoing the damage isn't as simple as just stopping. It takes a lot of time and effort and progress is bumpy. That said, understanding the underlying driver and the support of this site are the keys to greatly reducing and eventually eliminating the use of porn and it's grip on his brain. Instead of you being another angry person for your husband to use porn to avoid, I'd suggest finding ways to build safe and attractive social and sexual connections with him. This site will help him reduce his porn use. You can really drive his success though by replacing the fake connection with porn with a real connection with you. Treat him like the strong man you love and support, not like a weak man that you despise. One related key point to also make is you'll find that porn is just the most obvious escape tool. You and your husband will probably discover a variety of other "feel good" habits (drinking/drugs/overeating/bingeTV...) also being used to avoid facing your real feelings.

I know I've made a lot of assumptions and oversimplified a lot, but I hope I've given some ideas of how you might help fix this instead of feeling like you have to wait for him to figure it out. The best news is you can see many success stories on this site that show how much better your marriage can be once you face and defeat this insidious problem together.

 

Just bumped into your post...
There are many couples who have the same issue in their lives.
If you want to learn more about solution then check this post https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...-still-recovering-in-the-relationship.107395/

AnonymousAnnaXOXO & her partner have collected many links that can help in relationships & marriages.
I hope you'll find it useful.
Stay Strong.
Peace.

 

I second what @The Peace Warrior said. I collected a ton of resources with other partners over the past year and it's very educational, and it caters to both addicts and partners. I know that the journey in recovery can be frustrating, painful, horrible at times, but given some time you might see some real changes. I know in the beginning after D-day, I was absolutely livid and in the worst pain in my life. I was so angry at him (because I told him prior to being withme porn couldn't be in the relationship due to my anorexia). I felt betrayed and worthless, and I caught him with little things along the way until I found everything on our one year anniversary. Change can happen, but it takes 2 people and time and patience and understanding. I wish you and your husband good luck in recovery!