Tired of this empty pleasure seeking

Yeah I think so. This is a really good point I definitely thinking working for satisfaction is definitely sort of lost with simply being able to click a button to get "pleasure". I'm definitely feeling better this evening, I think partly because I am facing my feelings rather than just blocking them out which allows an actual natural release and clarity.

 

I think it can complicate it. My girlfriend has been away for a week and it has been a lot easier to not be tempted to have sex etc

 

My reasons are that im disconnected when I have sex with my partner because I relate more to porn. I am worried I will feel true connection when have sex again if I dont stop.... I feel depressed and anxious after I pmo; my energy is deflated. Pmo has numbed my ability feel much pleasure when having an orgasm... I've developed fetishes that I keep thinking of when having sex. Im not against erotica "(though i dont have the luxary to enjoy it anymore) but now I always go to things like webcams etc which is clearly an abhorrent world where girls are just being objectified and exploited. Yet somehow as we all know; we tend to go for more and more extremes with p. I wouldnt say I am religious; but I am not close minded and I also take a lot from certain religious perspectives.. I do meditate and that has helped for sure.
Already going 13 days without pmo - I feel so much more confident and connected to the actual world where happiness needn't be something complicated it can be just be the simple things like a cup of tea, hanging out with a friend... I have more energy to get things done....
Constantly going to pmo to numb myself means never facing (reality) where my life is going and it means I just stay in the same position... I am already making better decisions I feel. Its a very tough time quitting this but I think its worth it. I need to change all of my life. This is one aspect.

 

thanks man, that really helped

 

Indeed. Though getting rid of images of googles settings has been a huge help against triggers. that and k9 website blocker.

 

Day 15 without P day 4 without m. I havent been thinking that much about pmo today been busy and around people which is always something that stops me thinking about it. However as it is many times on this forum complaceny is a killer. It nearly got me, I had very strong urges just as I thought I was not thinking about it. Suddenly I was thinking "Ah yes that would be a good things to do" Luckily Im a bit more aware so I know when these things can take place...

 

Thanks for the support!!!

 

Day 16 without p Day 6 without m.
Went out last night to keep busy and had a music rehearsal throught the day today in which I didnt once think of pmo. Which we've established I dont do when around people. However now im tired and im home and feeling a bit wired and would like to pmo to just unwind and switch offffff. Thats the truth but I dont want to listen to that urge.

 

Day 17 without p and day 7 without masturbation or sex. Woke up extremely early today just couldnt get back to sleep. Felt a little anxious. I have really strong urges today pretty constant. Cant seem to think of anything else. I feel quite addicted to the internet. I have procrastinated quite a bit today as well which then leads to me feel crap about myself, and then that makes me think oh well if you get that release then I will be able to focus. But I cannot ejaculate because I dont want to mess up the chances of rewiring my brain. Ive never made it to 90 days with masturbation or sex before so this is definitely tough... I'd like to think this is just a sign of me recovering and that is strengthening my mental strength in general... Definitely on alert to do I feel like im danger of acting out Im concerned to do exercise as that tends to me sexual urges stronger afterwards. Anyway I need to find a way to to calm and be more focused without having the release of ejaculation...

 

Day 19 without p and hopefully soon when its uk style time it will be 9 days without m and o.
Im feeling good about this decent streak but feeling pretty terrified im going to cave in. its 2.43am and I cant sleep so I decided to do some productive stuff and then ofcourse triggers were taking over. Im also feeling a bit sad as my cat that was born in 1998 probably has to be put down as she isnt very well anymore not bad going for such an old cat though... - im quite easily upset but stuff like this - I remember when Robin Williams died and I relapsed.... (I am overly sensitive) I have often turn to pmo as an escape from a sad feeling.... I really wish I was religious at times like this as it would be a lot easier to maybe believe in something that gets me through (im open minded, just dont follow a religion). Anyway one thing I do know; I tend to write songs a lot and this is good for creative release but its also leads to me being a fantasists as I tend to be in my dream world sometimes and that can definitely lead to pmo which is very fantasy escapist based. its almost like when I feel high from something ive written I then want to continue that high and I think about looking p.. (I know that sounds crazy, what I mean is, the nature of being a writer means that you can live in your own fantasy world in general.) I am impressed with my ability to be mindful though when I have these urges so im pushing through. Very tough couple of days im hoping its going to get a bit easier. Work is a bit slow at the moment so I need to push through. It hasnt that helped that ive been having such intense mood swings. It seems my lack of dopamine is driving me crazy. I really just want to relate to the opposite sex in a natural way again - I turned 31 in feb - I really have to to try and change this time.

Tomorrow I can try and

Meditate again "I am not the body, I am not even the mind"
Be kind to myself
Give to others
Sleep
Smile
Make a future plans and push through
Work on something important

 

My cat was put down yesterday. She was my childhood cat. I was pretty much an only child so pets were kinda my brothers. anyway - in the past i have I have used pmo to escape. Been so very tempted today but I am not going to. I do keep checking out girls though; I read on here that it hinders your progress but that is the sort of fantasy type behavour which i cant afford to do until i rewire my brain? I suppose im just grateful im actually seeing real girls not just pixels. however; ive be so tempted since I got home this evening that i need to stop the fantasy stuff I feel anyway. Very sad about my cat; but im not gonna use pmo to esape. I lost my dad when I was like 11 so I think childhood stuff sort of haunts me a bit as well. Death or loss in general... this new me tries to feel pain and sadness as it is and tries not to hide. no matter how painful it is.