About to marry but now i dont love her!! Anxiety,help me!

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by PhattyPatato, Feb 21, 2019.

  1. PhattyPatato

    PhattyPatato Fapstronaut


    I will try to make this fast as i dont want to waste your time.
    I have been in 20-30 days streaks for like a year and my last streak started from 28 december.

    I have met this good girl before when i was still fapping and we grew very fond of each other.But then i broke her heart in december at left because i felt terribly suffocated and anxious.

    I came back in january,she forgave me cuz shes totally in love with me,and i broke her heart again and left again cuz i felt suffocated and anxious.

    Again I came back this month because i felt extreme lonely and thought what if shes is the one.Took me a lot of effort to make her forgive again and even decided id go meet her parents so we can engage.

    BUT NOW I WANT TO LEAVE HER AGAIN!! I FEEL EXTREMELY SUFFOCATED !! Its not about her its about me!! I am used to go from girl to girl in porn and in sexting online that the idea of being with one normal person (shes short, and normal looking,not hot),for the rest of my life is driving me crazy!!
    And all this anxiety is making me be literally sick,i cant eat,i cant sleep,i cant do anything the whole world is dark now because i feel like my life has ended.

    I cant break her heart for the 3rd time,and i also dont want to be with her,but even if i push her away then i will feel the same with the next girl,cuz this happened with every relationship before but not to this extent.

    How can i stop being so suffocated and anxious? Is this cuz of nofap?
    Please help me be normal as i cant enjoy life anymore...
  2. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

    I was I'm a similar situation but less severe than you. I never broke up with my so of 4 years and we were constantly trying to work things together. Ask yourself this, do you seriously give a f about her? I know, i too want to bang other hotter girls but you got to think about your other half too. You also think about too much od course you cant breath and feel anxious. I had a long period of time with similar anxiety but got a lot better. If you really want to make an effort, accept you like other hot girls what so ever and do not reject that feeling because that makes it worse. Accept that feeling and take action on how to make the relationship better for you and her. Have you ever tell her you lust for other girls because I had. Without telling my so, i wouod still be anxiously constantly. Also think about little things that you like her a bit. Also i know that can be hard, but it can be something little like the way she put on her shoes or she sneeze, etc.
    PhattyPatato likes this.
  3. PhattyPatato

    PhattyPatato Fapstronaut

    Thank you for your time and answer.Feels good like i am not the only one.I thought i was having a metal disorder or smth.

    Its very hard,when i feel like this i dont like any thing about her,i just want her away so i wont feel so suffocated.I have a friend who says he wished he was in my shoes and had a girl like her,to love him the way she loves me.And I got another friend whos girl has health problems yet he wishes to marry her.

    You guys are real men,responsable and loyal,while I am here a liar,always looking for something better and can never settle.
  4. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

    Get the fk out and work on your problems. Stop dating girls you aren't actually attracted to.
    You need to look at her face and body and smile right away. If you don't she isn't the right one for you, at least not long term.

    Long term relationships will NEVER work if you aren't attracted to each other, this is even more important for the man than it already is for the women.

    You can become better and don't have to stay a liar. But you must work on yourself first.
  5. Kazuro

    Kazuro Fapstronaut

    Brother, Firstly do a 300 day streak if you think that PMO is affecting your decisions.

    Don't marry anyone you are not attracted to even if its is porn induced. Trust me, it will be horrible and will end up in divorce.

    Don't wait for your soul mate to arrive. Ask your parents, pick a girl of your choice and get married, Easy way out of PMO.
  6. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

    If you don't want to break her heart, and also don't want to be with her, then don't marry her. That would be beyond stupid. Having you leave is one thing, having you start to build a life together only to tear it down at some unknown time in the future, when she thinks you want to spend your lives together, is much, much worse. Is that not blatantly obvious to you? Couples break up all the time and the individuals get over it. A divorce can be devastating. Have some compassion.

    You owe it to her not to marry her. Your porn problems are probably colouring your perception of your partner, but if you don't find her 'hot' and feel suffocated then why are you with her at all?

    Work out your PMO problems and don't waste anyone else's time by allowing them to commit to someone (you) who is not attracted to them, and wants to leave the relationship.

    You left this woman twice in the space of two months. That is shitty behaviour and you do not belong together. There is not a single hint of love, mutual respect or passion in how you speak about your partner. If my wife desribed me that way I would be devastated, heartbroken. You know what you need to do. Leave, and don't go back. Work on your addiction, be the sort of man who knows what love feels like, and go find it somewhere that it might exist. I do not believe that love is possible for the two of you, and you should stop hurting her by trying to convince yourself that it is.

    If I'm wrong, and you do feel love for this woman, and you are attracted to her, then reconsider how you are talking about her. Get your thinking together and stop comparing her to the airbrushed, caricatured hyper-sexuality of porn.

    A 30 day streak is doing nothing to reboot you. Quit porn for good. Quit the sexting. Porn is bad enough, and is considered by most women to amount to cheating. It is a betrayal that many have found justifies ending a relationship. Sexting is quite clearly cheating. I noticed your streaks seem to last as long as your stints together with your partner. Are you leaving her to feel justified in PMOing? Are you going back so you can still cum while you are without porn? Your reasons for being together are not the right reasons.

    You can find love, but you need to earn it. Fix yourself, stop stringing this woman along and only go back if you intend on spending your life with her. I don't think you do want that, but let me tell you this: You do not want what you think you do. A life of PMO and online sexting is lonely and sad and lacks the connection, the love that can be found in a loving relationship. The connection, love and care that is found within a healthy and passionate romantic relationship is infinitely preferable to the self-loathing and self-abuse of a porn addiction. You will still feel like shit even if you have no partner to betray. Porn cannot be what makes you happy. It will never fulfil you.

    You seem to be trying to decide between two relationships that are wrong for you: porn is abusive and damaging to you, and you need to leave that relationship asap; you are being abusive and damaging to your current partner, and you owe it to her to leave before you completely cripple her emotionally (which you will do if you enter into a marriage with one foot already out of the door). When you can be present in a relationship, and truly appreciate all of the positives that make your partner the one person you love above all others, that is when you should get married. You will still find other women attractive, but with the sense and self control to stop wasting your time in masturbatory worship of what you can never have (an endless stream of novel women) and the sense and awareness to appreciate your partner for all of the things that she means to you, then you will be fulfilled, and you will be able to be the husband that your future wife deserves. Only then should you think about marriage and making a lifelong commitment.
  7. Omega.

    Omega. Fapstronaut

    How about you stop being selfish and indecisive and do that girl a favour and move out of her life forever. Do her a favour and explain your mindset so she can understand that not all guys are like you and that she won't be tortured with the memories of the bullcrap you put her through.

    This isn't all about you but you insist on seeing it that way. Let her know you aren't stable and give her some relief in knowing that the fault isn't hers.

    I recommend you don't get in any relationships before you fix yourself. Girls aren't your tools to therapy.

    Should've thought about this before dragging her through the consequences of your insecurities...

    I really don't mean to insult you but the way you have treated this girl is deplorable. Man up for once, own up to your actions and do her a favour and never come back if you are really serious about this.

    Just my 2 cents on the matter.
  8. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    In alcoholics anonymous it's recommended that they don't get into a serious relationship for at least a year into their sobriety. it's important to not make important decisions during the detox phase of your recovery. 20 days is nowhere near enough time for the chemicals in your brain to settle down. You need to give enough time to your recovery before entering a serious relationship, much less getting married. You should absolutely not try to talk yourself into proceeding with this engagement and marriage. Nor is it fair to your fiance either. Right now the most important thing you can do you focus on your recovery, stabilizing your life, and healing.
  9. PhattyPatato

    PhattyPatato Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much everyone.I cant reply to all one by one but i am grateful for your advices and replies.
    Seems like everyone is the same opinion so i guess i have to let her go.She doesnt deserve some narcistic f like me.

    yes please..hopefully will help me try to change for better if i know how bad i am..
    1dayattatime likes this.
  10. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

    Often addiction is the tip of the iceberg. We may turn to addiction due to depression, anxiety, or trauma. We medicate and control our feelings using the PMO ritual. Healing invoved more than abstaining from bad behavior and will require addressing underlying issues. You will have to learn new coping skills to handle stressful situations. Undergoing these changes takes time and intense effort. But once you go through the process you will become a better person, man, and future husband. Better to go through this "smaller" pain now and save yourself and your fiance a lot more heartache later.
    PhattyPatato likes this.
  11. PhattyPatato

    PhattyPatato Fapstronaut

    No thank you.Im grateful.I actually was expecting a lot worst.Id have loved to hear worst tbh...

    I guess i have to let her know what exactly i feel so she can know theres no f reason loving and getting hurt for me and hopefully she can leave me with her own will.

    But then again i know i will totally regret it in the future or the same thing will happen with the next girl.
    It always happened like this when things get serious.Even if i get too close to a male friend the idea of him being my best friend suffocates me and i start acting distant.

    Idk why the hell i am like this....
  12. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

    I hate to agree with @GhostWriter, because frankly, i just dont like him.
    But in this specific case, he is absolutely right. You should get professional help, since all you seem to do is abusing others in any form of relationship you seem to have. It really feels like narcissistic tendencies, if not a full on.
    And when you leave her you MUST tell her that you have problems (If i were in your situation, i'd say i am a piece of sh1t, but you don't have to go that far) and you have to get professional help.Tell her she is an amazing girl and that is what made you keep coming back. And there is nothing she could have done better or different, because you seem to have actual, strong psychological issues. (Which actualle seems to be the case)

    I want you to have happy relationships, but i really don't know if you can right now. Currently, probably not.
    Go see a psychiatrist or someone similar so you can figure out why you are doing this to others and how to stop it.

    Otherwise, you will probably destroy more lives then you already seem to have.

    Do it for the people around you.
    But moreso, do it for yourself. Try to rebuild your life.
    At least give it a shot.
  13. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Mic drop. Solid advice.

    I'd applaud, but I'm making a sandwich.
    ReclaimedLife likes this.
  14. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

    Thank you for your kind words, wamen.

    Don't forget to go on a run afterwards. Calories and sh1t.
    0111zerozero11 likes this.
  15. PhattyPatato

    PhattyPatato Fapstronaut

    Its really f up because today i feel wonderful and not anxious or suffocated,but i guess i have to tell her the truth.
    Yeah no way i should change.I cant enjoy life like this,never finding peace nor alone nor with people
    I spent the day with a friend who is like a psychiatrist and i understood that i see everything as competition,i should stop trying to change the past,my childhood traumas.I try to change things in my past but nobody can change it so i feel always miserable

    why no like @GhostWriter ,hes a good/smart guy,i always agree everywhere
    Thanks for your answer btw
  16. CH3RRY

    CH3RRY Fapstronaut

    You remind me of my younger self. I'm currently 18, but when I was just a child, I was selfish and had these weird commitment issues similar to yours. When I was around 11-12, I broke a good friendship with my best friend whom I had known since age 5. Still to this day, I can't explain why it happened. But I remember being annoyed when I was being referred as being best friends with my friend. For some reason, I disliked that idea. I disliked the idea of being closely associated with someone. So our friendship was broken, forever. Then I'd become close friends with two others. Their friendship got basically broken as well because of me. I started hanging out with the other one more, and created a disconnection between them. It's like I only wanted me and him to be friends, didn't allow the other friend to be his friend.

    Eventually me and this new friend became distant and I started hanging out with the friend I had cut off. Me and him became good friends, and I would again create a disconnection between them. Later, this friend and me also got distant. It basically happened in one morning. I wasn't talking to him, and was acting distant. I did it on purpose. Again, I didn't like the idea of being associated with someone. When I got too close to someone, I started becoming distant.

    I have no regrets about anything in my life, but I know what I did wasn't right and later on it affected my life a lot. I was a selfish child from a very young age. I manipulated others, and only cared about my personal gain. What I did basically costed all of my friends, I lost them all. But that was for the better. That's what I needed in order to really fix my problems. All that selfishness, my insecurities and fears and habits of treating others badly had to go. And they did. The fact that I lost all my friends I had ever known at a young age, is the most beneficial and important thing that has happened to me.

    So that's my story, and I hope you can reflect on your own life with it. I hope the very best to you on your journey of becoming the true you.
    0111zerozero11 likes this.
  17. PhattyPatato

    PhattyPatato Fapstronaut

    You are right,i not tired of this life am exhausted.But most important am sick of myself being like so i am willing to change.Hopefully i will not only go noPMO but no contact with girls at all for a year,unless its neccessary.
    Yes since you have it all mapped out you can help me when you are free.You can write it in my pm or here anywhere its better for you.Luckily im still on time cuz i didnt find a good moment to say it yet.Thank you so much man.I really appreaciate that you spend time helping me.

    Man every single word you have said is 100% linked to me to.I felt as if you were describing me or my past also.
    I was about to say you should do anything to stop it or you will be like me,but no,seem like you understood how bad living life like this is and changed,im very happy to know that.Really i am happy because i know what hell you would go through if you didnt.Youd have found amazing people,brake their hearts and break your heart and then end up all alone for no f reason and regret it the whole time till you found another "victim".
    I hope i can change too like you did.Just as you lost your friends i lost all the amazing people in my life,and i hope this is the turning point just like yours.
    You have your life ahead of you bro.I wish you good luck in it.Thank you for giving me hope i can change.
    Christian Fox and CH3RRY like this.
  18. Will It Work?

    Will It Work? Fapstronaut

    If you're like that with your friends as well, it could be that you have a dismissive/avoidant attachment style
  19. PhattyPatato

    PhattyPatato Fapstronaut

    Thank you man,at least i can put a name to it.But this is only one part.

    I am very competetive in the materialistic sense.This is because of childhood trauma as my family circle were richer than my family and my cousins would always brag about their stuff even when we grew up.When they had mercedes for example,the only cars i could ever have were in gta vice city,as i didnt even have a pc to run a later gta.And since I have a very ambitious personality all this braging since childhood and especially in teens made my brain grow to "survive" this.
    And that is by comparing myself to others and trying to be better than them so i wouldnt have to live with the feeling of being a looser.And no matter how good am performing or how good my partners/friends are,i always think of having better ones,richer,more beautiful,more educated because i want to be in that level of the society where i can never get.So I am never satisfied with anyone.

    This is the root of my whole problems.I wish there was a name for this so i could see how i could heal myself.Thank you for your answer man

    @GhostWriter Thank you for the links i will read them now.I didnt want to tag you here because i have already wasted your time a lot but since you are a part of my recovery i thought maybe you would be curious to know the reason why i feel like this.I read it above.All the best
  20. Freddiefox

    Freddiefox Fapstronaut

    Based only upon the thread title, if you don't love her DO NOT marry her, it will only lead to suffering and damage for both of you.
    PhattyPatato likes this.

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