About love

Who here really believes in love? I was out last this weekend and I was drunk and noticing myself saying "where are all the women" to my buddies wanting to just fuck someone, anyone who took a liking to me. I've been six weeks clean from MO but I watched porn just to test if I had the same response as I had before. I didn't. I just looked at the women like they were something I didn't have anything to do with. I fell in love in my 20's and I remember the longing and heartache but I haven't felt that way since. There was this one girl since then but nothing happened.

I had sex with a couple of handfuls of women in my 20's but I've had a dry spell of a few years since then. I stopped trying and indulged in PMO instead. It seems pointless to try and really fall in love when all the dating coaches are saying you should just try to get laid as much as possible. It didn't use to be like that I hope. I've read some philosophy and metaphysics and what I think is that there's somebody for everybody. You just have to believe it.

A lot of this has to do with my personality type and imagination, but how the hell do guys like me even get laid in the first place? I've had decent looks and my body going for me but fuck if it's hard to be an emotional guy with overactive imagination and trying to get with women I really want. I have anxiety and addiction issues so I suppose I'm not there yet but there have been years I've been clean and only ran into crazy women. I take things too seriously so I think every day is a fucking test which I have to pass to really get to what I want.

I want to love someone so much that I will marry them, without settling, without being a compromising dude about my happiness.

 

Good to be aware of this. Suppose I have a lot of work to do.