About Consequences

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by HonestyMatters, Oct 22, 2018.

  1. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    For those partners using boundaries and consequences, I'd like your thoughts.

    Once a consequence has come to an end (for us its separate sleeping arrangements) if the husband still completely disagrees that they've done anything wrong should

    a) the situation that occurred be just left at that and we move on even though nothings resolved or

    b) the PA needs to own and acknowledge and validate what he did wrong. If he refuses, should a consequence continue until they do so.

    I'm totally stuck on this because I feel like he needs to own it and validate it. Otherwise I find it extremely difficult not to hold resentment and just to move on. This is because i know it'll just happen again. The fact that he so strongly disagrees makes it hard to resume normal relations or even want him to touch me.

    How are other wives/partners handling this?
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2018
  2. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Ok , honestly this is a nasty long term fight . I have changed my boundaries a couple of times . Some of them felt , I dunno , like I was trying to create the perfect human being lol
    The B&C we just had was the first . We talked about it at length before the C started . He acknowledged. I dunno if they would have served the purpose if he didn’t . But we talked about it again during C and at the end of C , and about a week later . Are you guys doing FANOS ??
     
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  3. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    What is FANOS?

    Not sure if I’m trying to avoid confrontation or just exhausted and avoiding the extra work but I haven’t made a specific consequence list yet. I’m starting to consider. So I’m interested in following your experiences.
     
  4. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    My husband was NOT a good communicator at all . We do FANOS on the weekend , we don’t follow it to a T . We both write them out , hand them to each other then discuss . It enables me to hear about his struggles /sobriety and I’m able to speak
    http://sexual-sanity.com/2010/02/guided-conversations-to-build-intimacy-between-addicts-and-spouses/
     
  5. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    My post is in relation to when they refuse to acknowledge.

    With a broken boundary that he Acknowledges we do exactly what you said above.

    So when C finishes and they still refuse to acknowledge should a) the issue be dropped b) continue C until they acknowledge

    That's all I was trying to get at.

    FANOS is great as a general communication tool but it's not designed to get him to address and own a specific situation.
     
  6. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Ok , I couldn’t answer cuz it’s only happened once and he KNEW he fucked up , broke a B . So I’m not sure how I would handle it . Prob call a truce maybe ? I dunno . In regards to FANOS , the S is not considered “general” it is for struggle /sobriety. He also answers 3 Qs I have , sometimes I don’t have any
     
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  7. Banjaxed

    Banjaxed Fapstronaut

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    You can’t force him to acknowledge it, but you can enforce the consequence?

    And failure to acknowledge/own a boundary breach needs to be itself a boundary breach, so the consequence continues and then escalates after your set timeline

    At least that’s how I think it has to work. Good question though, not seen it asked here recently
     
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  8. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    So in essence, your saying at the end of the consequence, I drop it and forgive. I don't know if I can. I struggle with being wronged and him not owning it. It's hard to forgive something you know will keep happening if they don't own/acknowledge it. I know the forgiveness is for my benefit. But the resentment that it'll keep happening until it's owned still remains. It's all soooo draining beyond words....
     
  9. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    But then that’s YOUR choice ! Don’t you see , the B&C are to make you feel safe in the relationship . If the Bs keep being tested /failed , it’s SHOWING you he’s incapable Or doesn’t WANT to acknowledge AND recover . Then , you fucking know where you stand ! That’s the point ! I know I would be exhausted being YOU or HIM . Meaning , a B then a C then stacking the B and Cs , at some point he’s going to wonder which B the C was for . You as well , just another thing to keep track of . I’m so much further in , 18 months in til his aha moment including implementation of B&C . HAD I implemented them right after DDAY I am pretty sure it would not gone smoothly. The brain fog takes awhile to go away ;(
     
  10. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    I was going to namedrop you @GhostWriter because we literally just talked about this lol SO literally said” I wouldn’t have taken them serious “
    I think the longer he is a PA the longer the fog , denial , and the true feelings of losing their Precious P
     
  11. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Yes, I do realise that but we've only put them in place a few weeks ago. I think it'll take a little longer than that to make a determination

    Yep, B&C stacking not ideal. But then what, if on a consequence and another one crossed no consequence?
    That would seem like free reign to me!!

    We are very early days at the B&Cs so its huge adjustment to both of us and its going to take some navigation. Separation at this stage is not on the consequences. Therefore it's not a case of jumping to immediate Its Over! It's not to say it won't be added in time to come. It'll all depend on how this all plays out.

    Also, I am keeping written record of boundaries crossed and how it all played out, dates etc for me....but he has written copy of it all too - he even has a flow chart on it! You can't get much more simple than that. So he can't play the I'm confused card. He is so slow on the uptake he needs it.
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2018
  12. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Yes, I get your point! But looking at it from the point of the addict being a "Child" It also takes an EXTREME amount from me to go from what is supposed to be 2 Adults raising 3 children to a single parent raising 4 children and the adult is the most difficult child of all. The one you're supposed to be able to lean on and get support from and who's supposed to be helping, not adding to the pile of shit to be done. It's just FKD quite frankily. But it is what it is and he certainly aint gonna get perfection or anything remotely close to it from me being put under these circumstances.
     
  13. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Very good point! Make it a boundary breach of it's own. For us it's simply separate sleeping arrangements so could stay at that on a day by day basis until owned/acknowledged....need to think about this!! Thanks
     
  14. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Amen. This is so ridiculously unfair.
     
  15. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    @HonestyMatters , I have to say, you are a better woman than me. I wouldn't be working this hard. I love my husband beyond measure, but it is my job to be a mother to my children, not to be a mother to my husband. If I had done all the work you have done and my husband still chose to act the way yours is, he would be moving out. You have the patience of a saint. It would be a detriment to my health if things continued, and I would not be able to properly care for my actual children. Don't get me wrong, I will, and have put up with a lot, and it took us a long time to get on the road to recovery (in fact, I did have to kick him out at one point), and I support him fully, but there is a point where it comes down to my personal health and sanity to be able to care for the little people that can't care for themselves. He either wants to change or he doesn't.

    So the question for you is, how much will you put up with before you impose the B&C of "You acknowledge and get help, or get out?"
     

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