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A tale from the flatline... (and from before that) (and after) (actually it's quite a collection)

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by DBug, Mar 31, 2016.

  1. DBug

    DBug Fapstronaut

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    I never introduced myself! It's about time to do that, isn't it

    I'm an Austrian 21 y.o. student of mechanical engineering and suffer from a mild PIED and porn addiction.

    The following I wrote on 21st of march when I felt quite horrible that day but didn't post it because of an error on the forum - It said I couldn't post something with hyperlinks although I met all the requirements. So I saved it for another try. Writing that sh*t down for the first time helped quite a lot. I started as a mess and was quite relieved and happy afterwards.



    So I thought I'll try and share saturday's events with you. I think it's quite depressing although I've read much, much worse stories here but I really need to get this out of my system. Also I try to make it a bit entertaining (Hyperlinks!) because that's just how I roll. I don't talk about feelings a lot so this is relatively new to me and many things you'll read here I've never told anyone - not even my closest friends.

    Bare with me as we'll start at the very beginning:


    Once upon a time...
    So in spring of 2012 - I was 16 - I met a girl a year younger who would become my first girlfriend. Nothing special about that whole situation. I was young, introverted not too confident and my game was absolutely horrible but somehow it worked and we got together. So far so good, right? Right.
    Being horny teenagers we wanted to get physical rather quickly and it didn't go too well. She, being already experinced, was quite upset when I didn't get a boner after making out. I said it's because I was nervous - and I was - but little did I know that I had a mild PIED. It would be years until I'd figure that out.
    So we tried again and with a lot of trial and error (condoms are awesome but horrible) and a lot of help from her keeping me hard or kinda re-hardening me we somehow managed to have sex although I still wasn't fully erect. We both thought I was still nervous and it would improve and she was (at that time) incredibly sweet and understanding and supportive. "It will get better soon! For sure :)"


    Or so we thought
    But it didn't. Although it got a bit more managable when I thought of porn (I thought that was normal - stupid me being stupid) I still had problems getting and most of all staying hard during sex per se and especially while switching positions and I never - NEVER - reached orgasm while having sex. One thing that did get better was that I at least got a semi-hard-on while making out - maybe I really had been a bit nervous before.
    But over time "my problem", as we used to call it, changed her. She became more insecure, emotionally unstable and well... bitchy because I never came and after half a year I chose the easy way and ended it.


    New day, new... forget it
    Problem solved! NOT! For now I didn't have to face my daemons and pretended that everything's fine. But obviously it wasn't (Duh). I ignored and rejected girls, self-sabotaged myself and I still do out of fear of embarassing myself and out of fear of what it would do to the girls I liked. I saw what it did to my ex and I didn't want anyone else to suffer through "my problem".


    "My problem"
    And with it come the lies you tell your best friends when they ask about why you didn't make a move on that girl or why you didn't take the other girl home when she was clearly willing... I'm not good at flirting or with peoply generally so "luckily" it doesn't happen often but when it does and I find myself drunk, dancing with a girl at a club or talking to her at a party I already search for a good way out because I can't go home with her! That's just not an option!


    We are PAIN
    I don't wan't to hurt her, even if she's "just" some drunk girl at a club who I haven't even spoken with. She deserves someone who doesn't make her question her looks, her body or her performance because I couldn't get/stay hard or orgasm. And eventhough I go to such lenghts not to hurt anyone I still do. Last year at a party a girl and friend of mine who I've always liked - I knew she felt the same about me and so I naturally evaded her - got drunk at a party and suddenly shouted at me why she's just not good enough for me. You could really see the pain in her eyes, the pain I caused.
    It sucked.


    The answer to life, the universe and everything
    In July 2014 I finally faced my daemons, I new I had to do something and did what everybody in the western world does instead of just going to see a doctor: I googled it. Much more intensively than before and this time I found something actually useful, something that wasn't "You're just nervous. chill", I found ybop.
    BAM! There it was. THE ANSWER. After all I had been PMOing since I was at least 13 y.o. and to that day did it up to 3 times a day sometimes edging for hours to hardcore videos and a hundred tabs open. Suddenly everything was clear as day. And it was cureable! To that moment I had already accepted that I'd always have erection problems when a girl is around and had almost given up! But I just had to stop PMO... "just".


    "Just"
    As most of you know... well... It's "just" not that easy. Since then I avoided girls COMPLETELY because now I new I could be as confident and "un-nervous" as it could get, my penis still wouldn't work properly and I started trying to quit (although "there is no try" ^^). There've been ups and downs - many downs last year - and currently I'm on a "kinda-up?!": I'm on day 13 and I got there almost effortlessly - the farthest I ever got! - but I'm also in the middle of the flatline.


    THE FLATLINE! dun dun duuun *thunder* *lightning*
    So on day 11, march 19th, a saturday, I got invited to a birthdayhomeparty of people I barely knew - yeay! I had never played spin the bottle and was certain that I was too old to ever be at a party where they played it again... well it turned out I wasn't! So as soon as we were all drunk enough we played. People kissed each other. I kissed people. people kissed me. It was fun! Until I kissed the birthdaygirl... Damn... Until that day I hadn't kissed a girl in like 1 / 1 and a half years? And with her it was like... the best kiss I ever had and she clearly liked it too. People had to stop us to continue the game because we wouldn't stop ^^ . Being drunk we continued later on and made out on the couch and it was getting hot and we were enjoying it until I recognized that I didn't have a hardon at all! NOTHING! NADA! NIENTE! RIEN! NICHTS!


    NANAnanaNANAnanaNOTHING
    Well that was new to me! Except for the first time making out with my ex where I WAS nervous I normally had a 25-50% erection when making out and I just had the best kiss everr! Naturally I was shocked! Completely devastated to be more precise. Also it dawned on me that I didn't think of an exit-strategy because sex already wasn't an option before my penis had died off completely! I tried to figure out what to do now. Clearly I have still a long way to go with my reboot. And while I kept on kissing - not enjoying it much anymore - and thinking of an escape plan a good 10 minutes must've passed because as i kissed her neck she had fallen asleep. So I didn't need an excuse anymore which was nice! But she fell asleep while kissing and that sucked. I got up and made my way to the door when I had the least likeable conversation with the least likeable person at the party:

    her: Oh! Did she fall asleep? Hahahaha
    me: ... Yeah...
    Oh! Ahahahaha so how's that for your ego/how does that effect your ego?*
    ... Well... not good/not in a good way... *death glare*

    *(not sure about the translation, sry. It was a rhetorical question with a dark sarcastic undertone. The type of question you only ask to bring someone down who's already flat on the ground. It was like that very last completely unnessesary kick in the kidneys when you are already on th ground bleeding and counting your teeth in your blurred sight)

    And I went home. And I felt like shit. All these feelings from years ago when I had sex with my ex. The feeling of not living up to other's and my own expectations of myself. The feeling of failing in the worst possible way. Something I had avoided rather successfully for years! I was a fu**ing trainwreck. The only reason I didn't relapse that night or the next day was because I just felt too sad.


    I regret nothing
    So I spent the whole sunday selfloathing and completed that today with writing this. It helped me and maybe it helps you too in some way - how would I know. Today is day 13 and tomorrow will be day 14! I will not be held back! I will succeed! That experince has strengthend my resolve even more!
    Also ybop advises to help the brain rewire by experiencing real women AND I managed not to hurt her in any way because she fell asleep and I didn't have to tell the lame see-through excuse for having to leave now I came up with while kissing her being completely drunk. So actually everything worked out quite well! :)


    Well, that's it! My adult life in nutshell. Thank you for baring with me! Also I wanted to thank the forum makers, maintainers and mods and for giving us the space to get things like that off our chest. You rock! No thanks to porn &/or our brains for causing all this &/or making this forum necessary.



    So my streak went on a few days until i relapse on day 19. 18 days without PMO... that was fucking awesome. My brainfog lifted around day 16 and it was an awakening! I didn't remember the last time my brain felt so sharp! Also I needed 2 hours less sleep and would wake up by myself before the alarm and being awake enough to just stand up and do something instead of just lying in bed for another hour slowly working up the energy to get out of bed and that energy would only increase after an hour when I would be fully awake! I could easily talk to people at work and would notice a girl or 2 checkin me out in the subway. It was awesome!

    And the contrast after my 2 relapses is huuuge... Now I'm back to day 2 and I cannot wait to get my sharpness and energy back! As I wrote in my relapse report it has only strenghtend my resolve.
    Fu** this addiction! Now it's my time!
     
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2016
  2. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

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    Welcome! Don't give up. It's a tough battle, but you can do it.
     
    DBug likes this.

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