A strange but very real concern.

Deleted Account · Mar 11, 2018

Hello all.

This is my first post here, and I'm 40 year old male, currently on Day 9. I came to this decision independently, but came across this place fairly early on. I'm going to outline my 'sexual' history as briefly as possible, but by it's very nature, it will take a little time to do so.

Like most males, I started getting erections well before puberty. I recall asking a doctor when I was about 7 what was wrong with my dick when it got hard, but he just ignored it. By the time I was 11, and in high school, I learnt about the biology and mechanics of reproduction. I found out why erections were happening, but it never occurred to me to rub my penis and 'make it feel better'. I had conscious desire to 'make a child' at that point, and as I wasn't being intimate with someone else, I figured it wasn't my place to touch my junk. This went on for a while. QUITE a while. Even when I discovered dirty magazines, I never though to stimulate myself. I would get hard (just like I would when I'd see a pretty girl), but I never made the mental leap that I could do something about it.

This went on throughout my teenage years, and until I was 21. I had a sexual relationship when I 19, but due to various reasons, I never actually ejaculated. (that was one of the reasons she ended things). At 21 I became involved with an older woman, and she took it as her personal goal to make me cum. Unlike most men, I can still recall the first time I came, and it was AWESOME. It was at the end of that relationship that I eventually learned to take care of myself, and... no need to go into that.

My concern is this; from the time I was 'sexually mature' (let's conservatively say 13, but probably well before that), until my eventual ejaculating at 21, I was, at best, invisible to women, and at worst something stuck to her shoe. I was getting frequent strong erections, and it was entirely focused on women. (I had concerns that I was gay due to the lack of female interest in me, but figured out that's not how it works), and I wasn't ejaculating at all. (not even wet dreams). Unless I had some major physiological flaw that didn't have me producing sperm/semen/whatever until I was much older (unlikely, but it's the best idea I've had at present), I had these fluids, this 'potential', in me, and not only wasn't it attracting women, it was largely repelling them. My first time was essentially a pity fuck, from someone I didn't feel any real attraction for (which is probably why I couldn't ejaculate with her), and when I did finally come, it was after much effort and intimacy. I've had other periods of extended
abstinence (1-2 months) in my early to mid 20s, and once again, women didn't see me as a desirable option. The worst was when I was in an organisation with a male to female ration of 1:2, and they were almost all in the 18-21 age bracket, for a year, and NONE of them wanted anything to do with me.

Needless to say, none of this has ever done my confidence much good, although it was interesting to note that when I finally was in a relationship where things were working,
in my last year of university, my grades were at their worst, and I needed to take make-up courses to graduate.

So, what is the likelihood that, after a Hard Mode Reboot, that things will revert to my pre-masturbating state? Will I be just as unconfident and unattractive as I've always
been, just with very full testicles? Am I doomed to be invisible and undesirable?

Please note that I'm not asking about undertaking additional activities to assist, such as joining a gym. I was conned into joining a gym by a cute staff member when I was
18, and saw little to no benefit, either physically or in any other noticeable field. I have neither the height nor genetic make-up to a ripped Marvel Superhero, (or even a K-Pop band member), so physical development isn't a goal.

diogo431509 · Mar 11, 2018

The likelihood of after a hard mode reboot, that things will revert to when you was 20 is zero. NoFap is not a magic bullet and it can't revert time.

Will you be just as unconfident and unattractive as you've always been? No.

Are you doomed to be invisible and undesirable? For God's sake stop playing the victim.

I am not finished with my reboot, and I am rebooting because I had those doubts, but instead of asking the community "will it work for me" I am here testing. People say it's broscience, but I am one of many. I had similar questions as yours, and I never expected to have girls chasing me now. I can pick which girl I want now, and they're all pretty, well, some of them. But the thing is, NoFap makes you, generally, more attractive. It worked for me and I'm not even finished with my reboot yet.

I suggest you do it. And see for yourself. If it does not work, then we'll have to dig deeper and see what's happening. And get rid of this "victim" standing. It's not a good trait for a man, specially at your age.

You asked a rather long question, with lots of doubts, and kind of was directing the answers because you don't want to hear certain things. Exercise would be great. Why not? It's excellent to build confidence and have a more healthy life. You got a girl saying that to you, and I am here telling you that exercise is a good thing. Stop being stubborn.

If you hate exercise as it seems to be the case, try other sports, work on your appearance and stop worrying so much. I've got much more peace of mind when I accepted I could be alone for a lifetime, if this is my fate, I will accept it. But I'll not sit down and cry over it.

As I said before it's not charming to be the victim. Work on yourself and show us what you're capable of.

Deleted Account · Mar 11, 2018

Thank you for your prompt, if somewhat terse reply. Firstly, congratulations on reaching current milestone. My primary driving force behind my Reboot is experimentation. I have been without female companionship for extended periods without taking care of it, and I'm wishing to gain some insight from others as to whether reversion to invisibility/ugliness is likely to happen. I am not playing the victim here, but I AM displeased that efforts on my part in my teens and twenties never resulted in the desired outcome. As for not looking good - this is the internet, and I was operating under the assumption that this forum was meant to be a place of support. I don't think you're trying to put me down, but my above-raised concern is what is playing on my mind at present, not worrying about relapsing or how my gonads will be footballs.

Anyone else?

asbgca · Mar 15, 2018

Thanks for that post. I don't find it strange actually, I'm having a similar concern, though not as articulated as yours. I'm in the phase 3 of my reboot (day 67) and I'm thinking what to do re: sex if/when I get to 90 days. It looks like the sexual urges will stay with me. I've had some flatlines so far, but the urges return each time stronger than ever. I've wondered if reboot means growing into a monk, and the answer seems to be no. The reboot is teaching us discipline, but it can't erase the natural sexual urges. On the contrary, it might even make them stronger and more focused because we're learning not to squander the energy. All this so far is slightly off-topic, but here's a reboot timeline that I really liked and copied into my journal: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...sual-relationships.155763/page-3#post-1353290

On the question of confidence, I don't think what made you more effective with women after 21 was the fact that you started masturbating. So eliminating masturbation won't mean that you'll less effective with women. That's my take. Most likely you started to take some risks at 19, to get out of your comfort zone, and that soon led to your first relationships and sexual experiences. I would say that porn and masturbation was a retreat from that opening and brought you back to a regressive, child-like state. This is definitely how it is for me. PMO closes me off from people and relationships and makes me shameful. My anxiety grows and makes it harder to take the risk of going out there and connecting with women. So I believe porn and masturbation make us less effective with women, not more. My guess is that whatever kept your confidence low in your teens came back in the form of PMO. That said, you didn't mention your history after 21 so it's hard to say if this theory works in your case.

Having full testicles definitely gives you more energy - you get the benefits of semen retention. The fluid on its own isn't a magnet for women, but it translates into behavior that attracts them: more dominant and assertive, more spontaneous, more direct - basically everything that comes with more testosterone. In Taoist terms, the conserved Jing needs to be converted to Qi and Shen to have an impact on women - from mere physical energy to emotional and mental. My guess is that your lack of confidence comes from a break somewhere in the chain of conversion. You conserved your sexual energy in your teens, but something stopped you from expressing it in dominant behavior that would attract women. Perhaps negative beliefs about sexuality or assertiveness? Perhaps something about your mother or father? Or a negative experience along the way? I know from my own life that family can play a huge role here. Much of my reboot is basically an emotional and mental inventory of my family so I can get rid of these limiting beliefs.

The reboot will give you energy that you can invest in emotional and mental self-improvement. It also motivates you by taking away the complacency and entitlement of PMO. The fake sexual fix isn't there anymore, so now you need to go out there and start working for the real thing.

The single thing that increased my effectiveness with women the most so far is learning about the psychology of attraction: how women's sexuality works, where their confidence comes from, how to 'spike' their attraction, etc. There is a lot of material on this online. Some of it can get a bit cynical, but a lot of it is useful.

Glad you've taken on the challenge! Looks like you're making a great start.

Deleted Account · Mar 15, 2018

Thank you so very much for your detailed observation. I'll re-read it and respond clearly later.

seaguy44 · Mar 15, 2018

asbgca said: ↑

Thanks for that post. I don't find it strange actually, I'm having a similar concern, though not as articulated as yours. I'm in the phase 3 of my reboot (day 67) and I'm thinking what to do re: sex if/when I get to 90 days. It looks like the sexual urges will stay with me. I've had some flatlines so far, but the urges return each time stronger than ever. I've wondered if reboot means growing into a monk, and the answer seems to be no. The reboot is teaching us discipline, but it can't erase the natural sexual urges. On the contrary, it might even make them stronger and more focused because we're learning not to squander the energy. All this so far is slightly off-topic, but here's a reboot timeline that I really liked and copied into my journal: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...sual-relationships.155763/page-3#post-1353290

On the question of confidence, I don't think what made you more effective with women after 21 was the fact that you started masturbating. So eliminating masturbation won't mean that you'll less effective with women. That's my take. Most likely you started to take some risks at 19, to get out of your comfort zone, and that soon led to your first relationships and sexual experiences. I would say that porn and masturbation was a retreat from that opening and brought you back to a regressive, child-like state. This is definitely how it is for me. PMO closes me off from people and relationships and makes me shameful. My anxiety grows and makes it harder to take the risk of going out there and connecting with women. So I believe porn and masturbation make us less effective with women, not more. My guess is that whatever kept your confidence low in your teens came back in the form of PMO. That said, you didn't mention your history after 21 so it's hard to say if this theory works in your case.

Having full testicles definitely gives you more energy - you get the benefits of semen retention. The fluid on its own isn't a magnet for women, but it translates into behavior that attracts them: more dominant and assertive, more spontaneous, more direct - basically everything that comes with more testosterone. In Taoist terms, the conserved Jing needs to be converted to Qi and Shen to have an impact on women - from mere physical energy to emotional and mental. My guess is that your lack of confidence comes from a break somewhere in the chain of conversion. You conserved your sexual energy in your teens, but something stopped you from expressing it in dominant behavior that would attract women. Perhaps negative beliefs about sexuality or assertiveness? Perhaps something about your mother or father? Or a negative experience along the way? I know from my own life that family can play a huge role here. Much of my reboot is basically an emotional and mental inventory of my family so I can get rid of these limiting beliefs.

The reboot will give you energy that you can invest in emotional and mental self-improvement. It also motivates you by taking away the complacency and entitlement of PMO. The fake sexual fix isn't there anymore, so now you need to go out there and start working for the real thing.

The single thing that increased my effectiveness with women the most so far is learning about the psychology of attraction: how women's sexuality works, where their confidence comes from, how to 'spike' their attraction, etc. There is a lot of material on this online. Some of it can get a bit cynical, but a lot of it is useful.

Glad you've taken on the challenge! Looks like you're making a great start.
Click to expand...

Great thoughts! Well-said! One thing to add is the willpower. I was on 150 day streak and to my surprise, my sheer willpower ran out. So advice: don’t worry about how long the streak is. Focus on only today!

Log in

A strange but very real concern.

Deleted Account Guest

diogo431509 Fapstronaut

Deleted Account Guest

asbgca Fapstronaut

Deleted Account Guest

seaguy44 Moderator Assistant

Share This Page