A squirrely Journal

Day 126 no PM, and 4 days out from last relapse.

April 6, 2018

My Daily Goals:

• Journal
• Workout
• Relax (kinda)

Rachie and I talked last night. I apologized about the night before. The truth is, I knew better than to do what I did and told her "I just wasn't strong enough. We had been talking in the the car for about 30 minutes and by the time we got home, I felt so weighted down with your pain. I thought I needed a small break, but I knew you needed me still. I realize now that I should have been there for you before taking care of myself."

Yesterday, I took the personality test that @TryingHard2Change mentioned in his journal. I'm an Achiever. Which means I like making goals. I like it when people look up to me, and I like being supportive to others. My bad traits consist of not being very in touch with my own emotions and I don't handle other people's negative emotions well. What I did Wednesday night is normal for my personality. However, it doesn't make it right. Knowing that an Achiever can be whelmed by others emotions, gives me a little peace of mind.

Rachie is "The Helper". She helps and loves being with people. I looked up Achiever and Helper in an relationship and in an healthy relationship we are the best match. Our personality types are similar in that we enjoy helping people. However, our personality types also have a lot of the same insecurities. So when we fight, we know just what to say to hurt the other person the most. So my goal is to find a way to help more people and don't fight with Rachie.

 

Day 130 no PM, and 8 days out from last relapse


April10, 2018


My Daily Goals:

Journal

Workout

Men's Group

Had our 6th anniversary this weekend. Our kids stayed with my in-laws and we had a great time. We ate, went to a museum, saw a show, and best of all, I was there for it.


The last few nights, R has went over to her mom's to visit, leaving me at home with the kids. It feels good that R trusts me enough to go and have fun. When R is gone, I treat it like she's out of town. I check in, let her know what I'm watching, and what game I'm playing.


I finished a book called "The Giver" a few days ago. (Spoiler alert) It's about a boy learning about the memories of the past. As he learns the past of the world around him, it becomes more open to him. He starts seeing in color instead of black and white. He also starts to have feelings. As he begins to really see the world around him, everyone else is still emotionless and seeing in black and white.


The book reminds me of my recovery. I went through life seeing in "black and white", in other words, I only saw things my way. I had no emotions. Sure I got angry, laughed, and acted like I was happy, but really I didn't really "feel". As I go through recovery, it's like a whole new world full of color and emotions is opening up to me.


The book also makes me think of how Rachie must have felt. My father in law, my sister in law, and I are all PAs. So Rachie has been living around emotionless people her whole life. (Spoiler Alert) In the book, the boy expresses how aggravating it is to live around people who have no real emotions. There is no love, and the people are numb to feelings. Rachie lived in that world for almost 6 years. When I came home and kiss her, there was nothing in the kiss. When I was home, I was like a ghost. You could tell someone was there, but he was not seen. When we had sex, we felt no connection because I didn't have the capacity to feel.

 

Day 131 no PM.

Yesterday was a bad day and it's my fault. I admitted to not being 100% honest about saws and notices. Too many times, I see someone, look away then say to myself "is that really a saw?" and don't count it. A saw is if I see a woman and feel the need to look away.

I'm also putting myself through too much when I'm watching a show. For example, if I'm watching a show and a woman comes on screen, and for what ever reason I have to look away, then I'm triggered and it's a saw. If I have to do that over and over again, then eventually, I'm going to stop looking away and it's going to be a notice. I told Rachie last night, if I'm triggered more than twice in one show, then I'm not going to watch any more of that episode or movie.

 

Regarding a saw. Why would I keep looking at someone? Shouldn't I look away as soon as I realize that said person mite be attractive? I look away before I can start the scale of attractiveness.

 

I don't mean this defensively. I'm really trying to figure this out.

There's always guilt. Whenever I think I see a woman, even if it turns out to be a man. Because if I see anyone or anything other than Rachie, it feels like I'm taking a part of myself and giving it to someone else. That was meant for her.

 

Day 132 no PM and 1 day out from last relapse.

April 12, 2018

My Daily Goals:

• Journal
• Workout
• Read
• Study

Since I've started my recovery, I've not PMOed but I have lied about ogling. Yesterday, I found out that I've been a little off on the ogling scale and today I've copied and pasted @Rock_Star Ogling scale that @Kenzi has posted in one of her threads. I've changed some of the words around and added examples so that I don't continue messing up.

Saw - noting attractiveness, passive (no guilt or feelings of shame)
Example of saw. See a pretty woman out of the corner of my eye

Noticing - *ping, oh, she's pretty, attractive, whatever - objectification of body parts included (feel guilty and force myself to look away)
Example of noticing. See pretty woman and "oh! body part looks nice."
(Must Not Stare!)

Trance - to go to staring (rubber neck... This is where a thought occurs)
Example of thought occurring. "What does said body part look like without clothes?"

Staring - caught onwards to ogling - this is a fantasy time frame
(I can still hear my wife if she's talking)
Example of fantasy: Starting to picture said body part without clothes.

Ogling - worst.
My wife is talking and snapping her fingers and I'm not even present anymore.
"This is you lost in your mind and to your own lust crazed demons." @Kenzi

 

Day 133 no PM and 2 days out from last relapse (lying)

April 13, 2018

My Daily Goals:

• Journal
• Spend extra time with son
• Study

I had 3 notices and 3 saws yesterday. After work yesterday, I was super excited. I had no notices and knew if I could just get home without seeing anything, I would be OK.

On the drive home, I just looked at the road in front of me and didn't see anything else. When I got home, I stepped out of the car and looked straight down. I walked to the front door, only watching my feet move along the sidewalk. I was careful not to look anywhere else. I thought " I don't want to get home, then as I am walking to my door, have a notice."

When I got inside and shut the door, I felt so relieved to be home. I had made it. Today I had no notices!!!

A few hours later, when I told my son to clean his room, I glanced out the window and had a notice. I was angry. I thought today was a victory and when I'm home, the place I'm supposed to feel safe, I have a notice. I didn't want to count it. I started rationalizing, to myself, why it wasn't a notice.
1. Did I think attractive/ not attractive?...... No.
2. Did I notice a body part?.......
Yes
3. Do I feel guilty or shame?....... I felt angry. Which is a cover for guilty... So Yes

I thought, "If you say yes to any of the above questions, then it's a notice." This whole line of thinking took less than a minute to do. So I texted my AP partner and went on with my day.

In the past, I would have ignored or counted what I noticed, as a saw. Which is a lie. If the first thing I do when I see a person is to rate them on their looks then that's bad.

 

I posted this in another thread and felt like it was important to put here as well.

How will I know when I am a healthy and whole person?
When my wife can fully trust me. The truth is I could say "when the chains of this addiction are off me and I feel no more temptation... on and on and on again...." but I can convince myself of a lie very easily. Rachie sees everything on my face. I look in the wrong direction, the way I said something, or even something I did.

Also "how will I know when I'm a healthy and whole person?" When Rachie feelsbetter about herself. The trauma I have caused her needs to be repaired. She needs to be able to go to the store and not have to worry I might look at somebody. She needs to feel confident in herself and know she's HOT (because she is) and know her opinions matter. When Rachie can do all that, then and only then, can she start to fully trust me. If Rachie can trust me, then that means I've done what I needed to do to get better.

I need to remember this ever single day.

 

Day 136 no PM, 2 days out from last relapse.


April 16, 2018


My Daily Goals:

Journal

Workout

Find a way to be in a better mood

I restated my lying counter. Saturday I got on my phone when I was at my in laws. I have told Rachie I would not do that. Getting on my phone at my in laws house is very triggering for Rachie. In fact I'm supposed to leave my phone in the car when we go over there.


When we got home we talk about why I got on my phone. I said "that I was feeling overwhelmed and just wanted to except for a moment". She said "you see how unfair that is to me. You get to except but I have to stay there." I said sorry. Then we made a boundary list.

Leave my phone in the car at moms and dads

Leave my phone in the car when we go out to eat.

No games on my phone

No phone at the dinner table

If I break any of these rules in the next 2 months then I'm going to get a flip phone when my next upgrade is do.


What I did was a very PA move. I use to us P to except from life when I could not handle it no more. By pulling my phone out and using it to except is the same thing and something I can't be doing.

 

Day 146 no PM, and 6 days out from last lie.

April 26, 2018

My Daily Goals:

• Journal
• Man's Group
• Workout
• Eat better
• Put more hit words in
• Look into new therapist
• Learn English

I've not had a chance to post in some time. Rachie edits all my nofap post and she's been super busy.

Yesterday she asked "why I've not been doing nofap?"
I told her "that I have 4 or 5 post I need edited."
She asked "why have I not done any recovery work?"
I told her my boundaries "don't post on nofap without her looking at it first, no YouTube, no website with anything about sex, and NO Jordan Gray websites." then I said "What recovery stuff can I do?"
Rachie said "You put me in a tough spot", there was a long pause and she said "We can make these real easy but it's going to cost money."
I said " I will do anything, just to feel free."

(What I meant by that was free to start doing recovery work.)

She told me about an app that tracks key word searches. I asked how much and she looked it up. It's 6.99 a month. I said do it.

We talked about my boundaries. She said I can start posting on nofap without her looking at it first. So if you're reading one of my post and some worb "word" is miss spelled then sorry in advance.

You Tube, I can only hit links I see on nofap. I can not just go onto YouTube and search things out. I'm excited to see all the videos people have link on nofap.

Websites having anything to do with sex. We bought the app so I can now go to websites about sex and recovery. I'm going to add more words to look out for today. I figure the more words I have, the more Rachie will feel safe.

No Jordon Gray websites. I need to ask her about Jordon Gray websites again and make sure there OK.


----------- ------------ ------------ -------------- -------
Today I'm going to talk to my grandparents and tell them I can't have anything to do with them anymore. Every since I went and seen my family I've not been in a good place. My grandpa is a child molester and I've told him to never touch my kids. When we saw my family he didn't out right touch my son but at one point he touched my sons hat. My grandpa would also stand as close as he could to my kids just in case my kids wanted a hung or ask to be picked up. Also when we were opening presents as soon as I turned my back he was interacting with my son. I was standing right there but still my grandpa was pushing boundaries. My grandparent's resized me and have helped me financially a lot, so I feel guilty about cutting them out of my life but my kids are more important then any guilt I have.

 

Yesterday Rachie left me. She packed up the kids and got a hotel room. We were talking on the phone at lunch and she was made and felt overwhelmed and I made a comment about pills. She's been down here lately and been confiding in me and with my comment I threw it back in her face. Making her feel like she has no-one to talk to. I realized this morning I've been doing a lot of things around the house trying to make her feel better but I've not focused enough on her and her inner pain. She needs to know she can come to me and confide in me without getting hurt. I've not done this and now she's gone.

What I'm doing for recovery today:

• Finishing "Helping her heal part 2"
• Looking up things on gaslighting
• See what videos other nofap users have put.

Yesterday, I called around and found a C-SAT (sexual addition therapist). I found a lot but the one I set up an appointment with his Clinic Specializes in csat. What he's clinic does is I will see a therapist that specializes in PAs and Rachie can see a different therapist that specializes in betrayal trauma. Then when we get to a healthier level then we would start having couples therapy. I should have looked into CSAT sooner I feel like we are in a worse place now then we have ever been.

----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- ----- -----

Yesterday, I called my grandparents and cut them out of my life. I called them twice the first time I wasn't clear enough and had to call again to make sure I was clear.

I'm not in a good place right now. I feel alone and without hope and I wonder if this is how I've been making Rachie feel for years.

 

Hate myself. I really thought I was changing for the better and come to find out. I'm not. I've been gaslighting Rachie since D-day. I thought gaslighting was when someone trickle truths or try to convince someone else of a lie. It's so much more. I went to:

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting?amp

And I find out that I'm still gaslighting.
How have I been gaslighting (this is coped start from the website)

• They will tell you'd be a worthy person if only you didn't have a long list of negative traits.
  • I've been trying to be more encouraging here lately but I say things like "sure you have this or this problem but we can work though that."
• Their actions do not match their words.
  • I keep saying "I will do this or that" and I never do.
• They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you.
  • Again I've tried being more encouraging here lately but the thing that gets me is

"This person or entity that is cutting you down, telling you that you don't have value, is now praising you for something you did. This adds an additional sense of uneasiness. You think, "Well maybe they aren't so bad." Yes, they are. This is a calculated attempt to keep you off-kilter—and again, to question your reality. Also look at what you were praised for; it is probably something that served the gaslighter. "

• • If Rachie comes back to me I need to start asking myself "am I praising Rachie for her or me?" If it's something thats for me and adding to my bad behavior I need to let her know.
• They tell you or others that you are crazy.
  • I've not said that she's crazy but I have been making her feel that way.
• They tell you everyone else is a liar.
  • I've tried hear lately to make Rachie question others who are only trying to help us.

When I first started recovery I was doing 10/11 of the signs of a gaslighter and I'm still doing 5/11. No wounder Rachie feels unsafe, scared, and that she can't trust me. I'm gaslighting her. That's not love. My love is still going to the addicted. Truth be told men protect what they love.

 

When I got home yesterday Rachie and the kids weren't there. The house was quiet and look like I left it. First place I went to was the refrigerator to see if maybe she had come home long enough to get some food. But I couldn't tell so I went to the cabinet that has some food in it but I was still unsure if Rachie had been there. Crying I went upstairs to my room. I looked in our closet hoping to see all here clothes still there that she hadn't taken with her. I think they were. I walked into my daughters room and it still looked the same. I opened her closet and counted her clothes. Touching each one hoping none were missing. Then I went to my sons room, still crying, and counted his clothes is his room. Hoping to see them all. I couldn't tell I thought everything was still there but the of knowing Rachie wasn't even home for a second was to much for me. I went back downstairs and saw that both of the kids chargers to there tablets were gone and I thought "At she was hear for a second." It gave me some hope that maybe she would be back.

I sat on the couch crying for some time. Then told myself "I won't get her back this way." Yesterday I realized that gaslighting can be saying your going to do something but not doing it. I told Rachie that I would take cure of our medical bills a long time ago but I've never called them and they have been adding up. I spent close to 3 hours calling the bills. I still have a few I need to try to get ahold of. I run out of time before they closed. I know if I can get these bills under control that will give Rachie a little more peace of mind.

When I got done doing that. I took a shower and went to the book store hoping to find the book @TryingHard2Change told me about. I didn't. I did however get Rachie a workbook called "Healing the Trauma of Abuse a women's workbook" by Mary Ellen Copeland and Maxine Harris. And I got a book called "Unmasking Narcissism, a guide to understanding the narcissist in your life" by Mark Ettensohn. My book is supposed to help me detect the subtle cues that I'm would use to gas light so that I can see what I'm doing and stop with the lies.

Rachie sent me a text late last night saying she wonted a full disclosure letter. I sent back OK and run up stairs and got a pin and a notebook. I was up until almost 2 am and I started writing around 8 pm. I was not done but I wasn't getting anywhere. I woke up this morning around 8:40 am and started writing more. When I was done writing. I went downstairs grounded bag of chips and some potato salad set at the table and started rewriting the later. I'm not a good speller and I'm horrible with grammar. So what I have to do is go into one of my apps and speak into the microphone I read the entire letter into the microphone piece by piece. Then wrote it down on paper again. When I was done it was 15 or 16 pages long (not back and front) then I reread it and added some more. I feel sick, I feel worried, I feel exposed, but mostly I'm worried when Rachie reads the letter she won't be able to take the pain I have caused her. I know not telling her is far worse. I just don't want to hurt her anymore I want to see her start healing. I know this letter is the first step.