A squirrely Journal

Yesterday I was looking at the weather on my phone when a pop up add came up of a fully clothed girl. I let Rachie and my AP know about it. Then I was asked was it a saw or notice? I said nether.

By definition a saw is if I see a woman and note attractiveness or think of looking again. I did not note attractiveness nor did I think of looking again. A notice is looking again and or noticing a body part. I also did not do this.

With that being said not counting it as something does not feel right ether. I got an adrenaline rush from it because it felt to much like old times. When I would be on P sites click something and a full screen image would pop up also so much of my aching out had to do with hiding and sneaking around. I know I got more of a dopamine hit from sneaking around and hiding then I ever got PMOing, even my therapist said "What you did is the same thing as if you were on meth." I don't know why yesterday made me feel like I got a small hit like that but not saying something is wrong. Rachie and I talked about this for some time and made a new category to go along with saws and notices called " sexually induced adrenaline rush" or "SIAR".

With SIAR I have to be more honest with myself because a SIAR hit can be as strong as a saw or even stronger then a notice. With that being said I'm going to have SIAR colored coded to match the color of saw witch is yellow, notice witch is orange, and anything worse is red. Yesterday was a orange SIAR because the rush was the same feeling as a notice but did not fit the definition of a notice.

What I'm hoping to get out of SIAR. Being more aware of myself and my surroundings. Yesterday would not had happened if I did not feel like I was in a quiet safe place looking stuff up. I'm sure as the weeks and months go on there will be more times I will have to admit this does not feel right, is these a saw, a notice? No so it's a SIAR. Then ask myself. Why did I get a rush? Is the atmosphere and which I am in or was in make me feel too much like my old self?

If all I do is take note of people and images and never acknowledge other unnatural rushes. Then at some point I will stop getting anywhere in my recovery.

 

Been in a bad state of mind the last few days and it caused me to slip up on little things. I've had the attitude of "your telling me what to do," I do not respond well to anyone I think that is telling me what to do. However Rachie pointed something out last night and that is I'm the one that has "your telling me" attitude and I need to look at things like "this is a way to build trust".

 

Had a phone call appointment the other day about my health and it's got me back in gear to eat healthy and workout again. So this morning I stopped by the store and bought a bunch of stuff to make lintel soup and some fruits. I spent my extra time yesterday coming up with a no to low cholesterol meals and brain repair foods. I'm hoping I will feel better and have more energy from all the good food.

Rachie is going out of town this weekend. She's worried because I have been slipping in small ways lately. When someone slips in small ways it's only a matter of time before something big happens. She feels like she should stay so nothing happens but she knows that's not healthy for her. She can't live her life in fear of what I mite do, so she's going. My plan is to check in with her every 30 minutes to an hour and have a camp out in the living room with my son.

Tonight Rachie and I have a date. Nothing fancy but it's a start. She needs out of the house more and I told her "If we stop buying take out on Wednesday we can start having a date night." She said OK. I'm really excited about date night and I have lots of ideas for things we can do for future date nights.

 

Had date night yesterday and it was a lot of fun. Rachie and I went out and had dinner. It was just what we needed. I'm looking forward to more.

Today I'm working a double. I started work at 11:30 pm and will work tell 2:30 pm. I have never worked a night shift before and was worried how I would handle it physically. So far I'm doing good. I am a little worried about Rachie because I'm sure it got to be triggering for her for me working such odd hours. We talked and all night shift I sent her pictures and text so when she wakes up she be OK.

 

Had a good weekend. Spent all of Saturday with the kids because Rachie was going out of town. Her trip was cancelled but she spent the day with her mom. I checked in with her every hour and let her know what I was doing. I had a lot of fun with the kids. We went running around and put some puzzles together.

Sunday we went to church and I made a lot of food for my lunch and breakfast for the next few weeks. I spent so much time cooking that Rachie was left by herself. I was thinking if I can get all this food done and put in the frezzer, then I will have more time to spend with Rachie the next couple of weeks. From her point of view, I did not see her yesterday and I spent a lot of time and money on things I could have bought per made. When I used to PMO I left Rachie alone a lot and spent money without her knowing what I was spending it on. She now I was buying stuff to make but I did not let her know the extent. Other part of this is that I make Rachie feel bad if there's something she wants. So me buying a lot of things for me then turning around and making her feel bad about something that cost less than 7 dollars is wrong. By the end of our talk I said sorry and that she was right.

 

Had a fight last night with Rachie. She was touching me a lot. I was not sure if she was trying to initiate sex or what. Ether way I feel asleep for a second and when I woke up I could tell something was wrong. I tried getting Rachie to talk and I started yelling I stopped myself half way through my yelling and said sorry. She said very little to me and we feel asleep. Later we both woke up and talk. I was fallowing a set of statements I have said in the past, that was triggering for both of us. Not triggering as in PMOing stuff but triggering in that it felt to much like old times and we did not like that. All in all Rachie told me, its not about sex so much as I have been putting her last and that all she was wanting before bed was some sort of a connection with me. Had it lead to sex thin that would have been OK but it was the connection she wanted. She has said some things like this here lately but for whatever reason it finally clicked for me last night. I have been choosing to do everything else then do something with her and that's if it's not to late before bed. I told her sorry but she's still not in a good place. She's been triggered really bad.

 

Had a date night last night. We went and saw a movie. We were having a lot of fun and really starting to feel closer. When the movie was over we were walking out and there was a very provocative picture on the wall. As soon as my head registered what it was a looked away. I did not get a good look. It was very triggering for Rachie. I told her "It's not a saw or notices." Then I said "That most be what you feel. Your going along having a good day then boom theres something that messes up your hole day." Rachie said "Yes." The rest of the night was good.

 

Yesterday was good. Had a ultrasound to see baby X and the kids got to come with us. My son was disappointed because he thought we were going to "see" the baby not a picture of the baby. After the ultrasound we got some food, then I dropped everyone off at home before I had to go to class. After class I went to church (Rachie was sick so she did not go) then on the way home I got some snacks for me and Rachie. When I got home we sat on the couch and eat snacks for a little bit before bed. Just all around a good day.

When I used to PMO all the time a day like that would have been me not going to the ultrasound and having Rachie pick me up from work late giving me time to PMO. Then I would have dropped her and the kids off at home watched porn on my way to school. After class I would find a place to PMO then call Rachie and convince her not to go to church. Then head to church but not get there until it was almost over. After church I would get in my car and go somewhere to PMO. I would call Rachie and said "church got out really late and I'm stuck in traffic." When I finally would get home I would not have spent time with Rachie instead I would have fought with her about something then go to bed.

I have never typed out my old habits before and I feel exposed and bewildered. I don't understand why or how Rachie stayed with me for this long when that's what she was dealing with that thing that I was for so long.

 

Had a goodish weekend. Rachie and I talked about my bad attitude lately and we figured out that it had started after I had to get money from my grandma. We never talked about, there was hurt feelings from both of us and we were bottling them up. So at time I would get snooty and not know why. After we talked we felt a little better.

Sunday after church we moved some stuff to my in laws shed. We had to take two different cars and at one point I forgot my phone in my car that Rachie was driving. When we got done moving things around she said "In the past that would have never happened. You would have never forgotten your phone. It shows how far you have come." I used to keep my phone with me all the time and hide it from Rachie. Her saying what she said makes me over joyed but I still have a long ways to go.

 

Messed up again yesterday. I went somewhere and when I was there I called Rachie towards the end of the phone call I said "heading home" I meant to say "I be heading home shortly." After a few more minutes went by I left and called Rachie back and said "heading home" she said "so you lied last time I called." I said "No I said be heading home shortly." She said "No you did not you said heading home." I said "Sorry, I meant to say heading home shortly. I should have been more excited with my wording." It's been a long time since I have I stuck with my wording like this and it was super triggering for Rachie.

Last after I got home from school I was not keeping myself in check and was snooty tord Rachie last night. I wonted to do something and it did not happen how I wonted it to and I was taking my anger out on Rachie. This is also very triggering for Rachie because I used to do that all the time I was PMOing. So today Rachie is super triggered and worried I'm PMOing. Today I'm going to look back over my old notes and try to get back to the right state of mind.

 

Yesterday I had a lot of fun with the kids. Rachie went out and spent some time with her mom. The kids and I bought a game (super cheap $5) played it and watched cartoons. When Rachie got home we sat on the couch and had a good talk for about an hour about everything.

I reread this yesterday:
"Do you want to be known as the jerk?People that always get what they want don’t exist, but people that always try to get what they want do—and those people are probably jerks. Don’t be a jerk. Here’s another tip: other people notice—and remember—your bad behavior."

I have it saved in my "OneNote" app that @kropo82 told me about some time ago. When I reread this I said "ouch". I am still having a problem with not getting my way and that's been my biggest hang up her lately. To make things worse I tend to keep a kind of score in my head for all the nice thing I do for Rachie then expect something out of her. The other day I was talking to Rachie about this and said "it's stupid because even if there was a score being keep I'm at lest 6 years behind you. You spent 6, 7 years trying to be nice to me, reaching out, and being torn down. I can never catch up."

 

I was talking to Rachie last night before bed and realized that there is some physical problems I'm not having, since I have stopped PMOing. I told Rachie "This is kinda a big deal because everything I have read says that P use does not have any physical consequences." In truth mybe P use does not but setting in a bathroom hours on end, or not getting any sleep does. In the last 9 months my lower back has gotten a lot better. I was getting to a place were there was days I was having a hard time walking. My back is not the only thing that has gotten better since I have stopped PMOing. There is several other things that have gotten better or fully healed.

 

I didn't get to Journal yesterday because I had a test yesterday I was worried about.... I past with a high A+ .

Over the weekend Rachie, the kids and I went to an apple orchard for the first time. We had a lot of fun. As we were heading home I asked Rachie if she had fun. She said "Yes but she felt like she ruined the day because she was not feeling good." I said "You did not. Your pregnant and it was hot." Then we talked about how I used to respond to her feeling ill and we were out and about. I used to be super mean to her, I would yell, belittle her and just make her feel even worse for being sick. Saturday I had fun with the kids and Rachie. I was there.

Sunday morning Rachie and I had a fight. I said I was going to clean the downstairs and then torn the TV on for the kids and got distracted. Rachie said that I had lied to her because I said I was going to do something and I did not. I got mad and things just turned into a screaming match after that. Later I told her sorry and that she was right and that I should not have lost my temper. Sunday evening was good. I spent some time with my son and Rachie and fond a new show to watch together.

Monday I focused was on my test. Rachie was supper sick and tired when I got home from school so she laid down early and I spent some time with the kids. After the kids went to bed I went to bed soon after.

 

Goals for today:

• Look at notebook
• Workout
• Be considerate to Rachie

 

Yesterday Rachie and I did FANOS. We have not done FANOS in a long time. The biggest thing I got out of yesterdays talk was that I have become a much better person in so many ways but I'm still lacking in the relationship part of recovery. I've gotten good at helping around the house, taking care of the kids but I'm not good at telling Rachie everything on my mind or my feelings.

 

Rachie and I fought a lot this weekend most about money. When we start getting low on money I don't do well, I stay angry, or just set and be quiet. I know I should not allow money to effect me like it does. Thanks to FANOS a lot of my problems this weekend was resolved. It's amazing what happeneds when 2 people talk about things.

My son woke up early Sunday throwing up. I didn't see any throw up on my son so I said "It's OK, boy oh." and started cleaning up his bed. Rachie came in and she was amazing. She took our son and wiped his face off and talked to him. Then gave him a bath. Our son seemed so much better by the time we put him back to bed. I would have never thought of a bath and some extra talking, I'm still blown away by how such a simple thing made him so much happier. Seeing Rachie do that made me realize I didn't have that growing up, partly because I never got sick.