A squirrely Journal

In the last few days I have experienced a side of myself I forgot about. I forgot how creative and innovated I can be. I've been making little electromagnets with batteries and magnetizing my screwdrivers. I've also been coming up with different ideas to try and do with my son.

I know of this side of myself but as a kid I never fully developed this part of me. Mostly I was scared to, I think because I didn't won't to be told I was dumb or crazy. I feel like it's unrational fear but as I have learned through recovery every fear comes form some place deep down. I figure that this fear comes from feeling pushed back ever time I tried to better myself weather that was in school, sports, or even a career. My family always fought me and wanting me not to do to much.

 

Fond out Rachie is pregnant a few weeks ago. I am excited about having another baby. I was not "here" with my son and daughter because of porn. Last night Rachie was telling me about all her craving she was having. I told her I feel bad because we are broke and I can't go and buy you anything. She said "You're here this time. That's better." Then she explain how before I would get mad because she had craving when she was pregnant with the last two. After we got done talking I looked around the house and found enough change to buy her something to eat . It's sad all the things I missed when I was an active PA I'm thankful I get to experience this baby with my wife.

 

Thanks @kropo82

 

On Mondays Rachie hangs out with her mom. I had school so Rachie had the kids until I got out of class. When I got out of class I picked the kids up and went home. When I got home we had no power. So u put the kids down to bed and asked/ called around until I found out what was going on. Come to find out we got disconnected. I thought that's not right because we had just payed but we had. So I payed the amount that I had to pay to reconnect. I was supposed to get a lot of work around the house done last night but I didn't. It was late by the time the power was back on and I was stressed. I spent most of the evening texting my wife, playing a game, and picking up little things around the house.

Today I'm stressed to the max. The electric being turned off and needing payed was something I was not expecting. Money is a big problem for me, it's probably my biggest triggered and though as far as temptation goes I'm OK but my attitude is not good.

 

I'm starting to slip. Had a saw yesterday when I was looking things up online. I didn't think anything of it and didn't tell Rachie or my AP then Rachie saw it on her app. We talked about it later and she told me I need to get my mind back were it needs to be.

I am sliping. Used to I would see something like that and let Rachie know, even if it wasn't a big deal to me, because I know it's better for me to tell her then her to find it.

 

Rachie and I had our first ultrasound Wednesday. Baby looks good and healthy. I got a recording of baby's heartbeat. Being "there" in the room and getting to fully experience that moment was amazing.
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I have been looking for a job opening to come up for the last two years and yesterday I saw it posted online. Of course, I applied for it and found out the coming I applied for has a new maternity leave policy. It's up to 10 weeks payed for women and men. Also I have family that work for the company I applied for and I know I have a good shot at getting the job.

 

Thank you @Moon Shot

 

Had a good long weekend. I was moody Saturday and some of Sunday because I was worried about money but by mid Sunday I realized that I'm doing everything I can and that's just the way it is. Monday was a great day for me and the kids, Rachie was sick the hole day and stuck in bed, which was really sad. The kids and I went outside and built a teepee out of sticks and a old blanket. After we finished the teepee I pushed the kids around in a little outside car. When it got to hot I took them inside and let them take a long bath so they could play in the water. The rest of the day we spent relaxing on the couch and I would go check on Rachie ever so often.

 

I was studying for my class yesterday and I was getting annoyed because I could not get anything to stay in my head. So as a break I looked up "endorphin and serotonin in addics" and found out that an over amount of stimulation causes the brain to stop producing serotonin dopamine endorphin and other valuable hormones for the brain. When that happens it starts making it harder to sleep, be happy, and remember things. I have always had a bed memory but know I'm wondering if it's because of PMO. I was very young when I started to PMO and did it for a long time. Also I'm wounding if I don't naturally produce the right levels of dopamine and serotonin. I have family that have taken same test to check B12 level and they some disorder were there body doesn't exorb B12 from food. I have a lot of the same symptoms they had before taking a special vitamin. B12 helps with memory, staying awake, and keeping dopamine being produced in the brain.

I wrought a list of the effect serotonin and dopamine levels after being exposed to high levels of dopamine for a long period of time.

Low serotonin include:
• Learning.
• Memory.
• Sleep pattern.
• Emotions and feelings
• You might have nausea.
• You can’t sleep.
• You feel depressed.
• You have a hard time learning things.
• You become confused easily
• You may become constipated.

Low dopamine levels
• You feel fatigued.
• You can experience memory loss.
• Depression.
• Personality disorders can manifest or worsen.
• Chronic fatigue.
• Panic and anxiety.

I have had or have every symptom ether before or after recovery.

Ways to make yourself feel good is and bring brain leavels up to normal:

• listen to music
• Mindfulness meditation
• Water
• Green tea
• Dark Chocolate
• Fish/ omega 3
• Spinash
• Blueberrys 2 servings a week
• Starbarrys 2 servings a week
• Caffeen (after you learn something new, helps keep it in your head)
• Chewing gum (help when your learning something new)
• Exercise

I'm looking into vitamins that help dopamine and serotonin levels.

 

Last night Rachie and I had a talk that she has been wanting to have for some time. When I was PMOing I looked up woman that were different from my wife. When she got thin I looked up bigger women when she gained weight I looked up thin woman. She asked me why. I told her "that I have wondered the same thing. I think it's partly because I didn't appreciate what I had. Also my likes changed or better put my mined was warped by P." Then she asked me about the way I treated her the last few times she was pregnant. I was mean to here and did not want to have sex with her. I told her that my dad objectified pregnant women a lot when I was younger and it was so gross that it made my opinion of pregnancy think only as it being gross. I also mentioned that I feel P has a lot to do with it. In P the woman are made to look perfect and sound a certain way act a certain way and real life is not that way. The she told me I have been objectifying her to much since she's going through the changes of pregnancy and how I have been acting like she's a new toy not a person. I said sorry and that she was right. Than asked her what I need to do differently and she told me what I need to do. I told her that we are on the same wavelength. I have learned that to strengthen endorphins in the brain we need to have slow long sex which in turn means no objectifying. We talked about more things for about hour and at the end it felt good. I felt closer to her. She felt worried that some how all the talking would come back on her but she also felt better.

 

This weekend was not good. To make a long story short I ended up calling my mom and she called my grandma and she sent money to me because we were in a financial bind. I cut my grandparents out of my life and now it feels like I'm moving backwards.

Saturday Rachie and I were moving thing to my in-laws she'd and all day I was in a bad mood. I think I was in a bad mood because of guilt from the day before. So I ruined that day.

Sunday I was better and the day was good. Had church, went out to eat and watched a show with the wife later that night.

Last night I was talking to @Rock_Star about Friday and he told me I could clame more people on my taxes then I already I'm. So I am going to look into that and do it. We (Rachie and I) can't keep living like we are. Right now everything is good with our finances but we have to make some drastic changes if it's going to stay good.

 

Yesterday was a day. I got to help/ learn fire alarm systems which is cool because elections and especially Apprentice electrician normal don't do anything with fire alarm. I will be helping the fire alarm company for the next two weeks, this also means I will get a little overtime .

I live on the east cost. Rachie and I grow up in Oklahoma and have been in tornado's and earthquakes. We have not prepared for the hurricane yet. I'm a little worried, however. we live enough inland that we won't see all the high winds and flooding that can put a house underwater but I am worried of flooding and landslide that will keep us in the house for a few days. So today I'm going to the store and getting some extra food and water, maybe another flashlight. What saying all this has to do with recovery? In the past I would have let someone else worry about a storm. I would not have given a second thought about "will my family be safe if ______ happened?" I was to caught up in my own world to care. Now I'm here and I'm going to do as much as I can to know my family will be OK.

 

Yesterday I went to the store and got some stuff for the upcoming storm. Before I left the house Rachie said "Do you won't me to come to?" I said "I was thinking about just taking (sons name)", then I told her both kids at the store turns into a real pain. She got upset and when we were heading to the store she explain to me why she got up set. I used to us the kids going into the store excuse to find a way to PMO. She was also upset because when we have 3 kids it's that much more work and by me saying the kids are a real pain, she feels like we (me and her) will never go out in public again once number 3 is born. I said she was right and I see were she is coming from.

Yesterday when we all got back from the store my son and I fixed the hole in my tire. He's only three almost four I wonder if I should have him "help" me with things like the car. I keep a close eye on him and always have him something to stay busy that keeps him close to me so he won't get hurt. I always feel a little awkward having my son help me with things like that. I never had anyone show me how to fix a tire or much anything else. In fact yesterday is the first time I had plugged a hole in a tire. I always wander; is my son to young to be out here or will he get hurt? But then I tell myself this is good us time and it's something we won't always have a chance to do and I'm here now and don't want to miss out on anything anymore. He went to bed very happy last night.