A squirrely Journal

Today I went to work early to get some overtime. I had to get up at 2 in the morning and be at work by 2:30.

I know me going in early like that is triggering for Rachie because I used to PMO in the middle of the night. So when I got home from school last night I put the kids down for bed. After I put the kids down I spent some time with Rachie then cleaned up around the house.

When I woke up for work I made sure Rachie know I was leaving then I let her know when I got there. I'm hoping that doing all that will help her feel OK.

 

I am supposed to wake her up every morning before I leave for work and let her know when I get there. The difference today is I really made sure.

I did let her know we're I was going and the times before this morning.

 

These weekend was bad. There was not problems regarding recovery and as a family we had a good weekend.

I didn't have work on Saturday so we all went to a family game plays specifically for 6 and under kids. We had a lot of fun. Rachie was triggered a few times. I asked about it and she told me. Then I asked her "Is there anything I could have done to make it better?" She said "I saw you looking around a few times. Then stop." I said "I know what your talking. I caught myself doing it a few times, then I stopped." I didn't have any saw or notices when we were at the play place but I do have to watch out for the head moving thing because if that doesn't keep in check them it's only a matter of time before I will have a saw or notice.

The bad part of this weekend is our finances. I can't keep up and we are trying everything we can to just have a house and utilities. We keep saying something has to break but it's only getting worse.

 

Yesterday was a ruff day for Rachie and I. Rachie spent most of the day trying to talk to someone about our finances and how to get a little help. It was very hard on her. I spent all my extra time calling around and coming up with payment plans so we can get caught up. When Rachie picked me up I was grumpy and not a nice person. Witch was wrong to be towards Rachie, who had a much worse day. I had a little fight and later that night I apologised for being that way. Of course, I had excuses but I told her that even with all my excuse that's not way to acted.

Today, we are both going to be calling around. Hopefully things will be better soon.

 

Yesterday turned out to be a good day. I got most everything I needed to get done and came up with a tentative plan to get back on our feet. I say tentative because Rachie and I have not set down and talked about it yet. I had school last night.

I had a test last night and I aced it. Then I went home put the kids to bed and Rachie and I had spent time on the couch and cleaned up a little around the house.

 

Yesterday before we went to sleep Rachie was showing me things on her phone and then there was an inappropriate image. I saw that it was coming so I looked away before she stopped scrolling down. She said "it's to late you saw it." I said "I looked away." She said "Well it's at lest a saw" I said "No, I don't have any desire to look back at it." Rachie said "It's a perfect set of boob's." I said "I like what I have." End of conversation. Then we went back to looking at things on her phone for a few more minutes.

I will probably bring last night back up. Just to make sure she's OK. No matter what last night showed me that Rachies recovery is going good. In the past something like a picture on her phone would have been a all night fight and days of trying to get over it. At the same time I handled it differently by not getting mad or defensive.

 

Yesterday Rachie was doing some of her recovery homework and realized why she feels upset about something all the time. There's things in her past that she felt like she has buried and tried to forget that still affected her every day. Even though she doesn't realize it. It hit her so hard that she called me and then she made an appointment with her therapist for today.

I know examining yourself and realizing past hurts and seeing how past hurts are still affecting you still today, is a part of recovery. I still worry about her.

In my recovery I'm mostly dealing with my problems, my past and the pain I have caused Rachie. In Rachie's recovery she end up dealing with her past, her problems, and her past hurts, and that's normal I think for any relationship. Whats not normal is all the extra pain and hurt Rachie has to go through because of what my addition has caused. As a husband I was supposed to help her with the former hurts, not cause more hurtful pain on top of it all.

 

Over the weekend I messed up. There are times when I move around in my sleep in a very sexual way. I have been doing this long before I was married. Normally, I don't know when I move around but Friday night I was moving around so much I woke myself up just enough to stop. However, I did not wake up enough to wake up fully. Then it happened again. I remember trying to wake up enough to say something to Rachie but I was unable to and fell back to sleep.

When I wake up the next morning I was not fully shore of what had happened or if it was some kind of dream. I looked at Rachie and ask "How did you sleep?" Instantly, I could tell she was triggered and things went down hill from there. The way I initially handled the situation was gaslighting. What I should have done was say "We need to talk." Then I should have told her everything I remembered. We talked off and on the rest of the morning about what happened and how that once I make a mistake I just keep digging a hole.

Once we were done talking we sat around and watched TV the rest of the day, something we have never done and it was nice.

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I have been trying to figure out what triggers me to move around in my sleep sleep. The pattern I have noticed is:

• I started moving around when I have not had sex after 5 to 7 days and after 9 to 12 days I stop moving around.
• If I'm objectifying Rachie to much.
  • The day before I was checking Rachie out a lot.

The way to stop (I hope) is more sex or no sex and not objectifying Rachie. I need to remember Rachie is not just an object for me to look at and remember who she is to me. She is My wife, my friend, my help, Mi amor, (my love).

 

Yesterday I had some extra time at work. I started thinking of Rachie and how much she enjoys spy stuff, then I thought "I could wright little codes and things." So I wrote some codes for Rachie to crack that lead to other codes and once she has cracked all the codes she will get to a little gift that I hid for her.

I remember sometime ago Rachie and I were talking about how I have no creativity. I hated that I had no creativity because when I was a kid I had a ton. As I get further and further away from PM my creativity is coming back little by little watched makes me happy. It makes me feel like I'm getting something back I have lost.

 

Yesterday was a good day. Rachie loved codes I lifted for her and said it was "The most fun I've had in forever."

We went to church last night. The sermon was on inviting people to church and being encouraged. I started reflecting on my past. I used to be the kind of person who brought people to church but something changed. After some deep thinking I realized a mistake I made years ago that has effected everything in my life since. It's even the reason for my PA. Before my mistake I watched P and as a kid I used it as confront but when I became an adult I stop using P as a confront. Until, I made a mistake one day. After that I went down hill. I became nome, I started using P as a way to fell better, it charged the way I talked to people, and changed the way I handle money. The shame of what I have done changed me.

 

Yesterday I was in a bad mood. I tried not being in one but I was. I was tired. I did not get much sleep the last few days. Last night as I was in class our power went out. By the time I got home Rachie had put both kids to bed. After we talked about some of the stuff bothering me we went to bed. I needed that sleep today I feel better. I still feel a little tiered but nothing compared to how I was feeling.

Next Friday we leave to go on vacation to Ireland. I'm very nervous about it. Last time we went I was very much a PA but I did not now it and I spent the hole vacation looking at other girls. I have set down and wrote out an action plan to help my recovery and help Rachie not get extra triggered. The biggest thing is we have a code word for Rachie or I to used if we need to leave and (for the things I now we are doing) a way to leave if need be.

 

Rachie and I had a talk this weekend. I have been in a bad mood and mean to her for the last few weeks. I told her that it was because of our money problem. We had a very long talk after that, a talk that went off and on for most of the weekend. By Sunday morning a Rachie explained how certain ways I have been acting are very triggering. I apologised.

During church I was hit hard by the sermon. Our Pastor preached on marcy. Towards the end of the sermon he said "Just because God and or someone you know has forgiven you. Does not mean you don't have to deal with the repercussions of your actions."

(Me talking) I have seen, and at times I have been guilty at well, people think just because someone has forgiven them then that mean everything is OK. Everything you have done to hurt that other person is somehow forgoten and everything just goes on like nothing has ever happened. That's not how it works, forgiveness is not the same as trust. Trust is earned not given and once trust is broken you have to work to get it back. I spent much of Sunday thinking after church.

 

Yesterday was a good day. When I got home from work Rachie and I spent most of the day on the couch watching TV. I just realized this morning that we are watching more adult TV shows. For the last 6 or 7 months we have been watching kids shows if we even watch anything at all. It's nice getting to spend time with Rachie.

 

Yesterday was a good day. Rachie and I were feeling overwhelmed by everything we need to get done before we go on vacation, so we made a couple if list. Making the list helped.

Later that evening I had to go outside to change the break pads on my car. After a little bit Rachie come out to see it was going. She stayed and we talked and she helped me figure out what I was doing. It was a lot of fun. Kinda makes me want to work on the car more, just to have Rachie out there with me.

 

Got back from vacation Friday. We went to Scotland and Ireland. We spent three days in Scotland and I did not do well in Scotland. I had saws and notices everyday. Looking back I see were I was messing up. We were not leaving the hotel until super later in the day and not getting back until late at night. Around 9:30 pm people would come out to party so there was a lot of half naked people walking around. Two we had two very young kids with us (2, and 3 years old) which add to the stress of being out late. Three there was no plan. My father in law told us if there's something we want to do let him know and we will do it, but that never happened because by the time we all looked into something it was to late to do anything. This added stress and stress is a trigger for me.

When we got to Ireland I was better my saws and notices went way down and I think it's because I associate Ireland with family. My wife and in-laws are most Irish. In Ireland I got to spend a little Rachie and me time a few times watch is all I wanted out of the hole trip.

All in all I want to go back one day but with only Rachie and the kids when they are older. The few times it was me and Rachie I had fun.

 

Rachie has been sick since we have been back form vacation. I have been doing everything I can think of to make her feel better. Such as little crackers by her side of the bed, making sure the kids tablets are changed (so they won't bother her to much), and getting her anything she needs. In the past I used to make her feel bad for being sick. I've not done a lot of thinking into why but I remember being a butt. Trying to take cure of her and helping out more feels good and I can tell she's happier than she used to be.

There has been a few times she says something like she's worried that I will be mean or mad at her. Then she starts putting up her walls because she's scared but it doesn't last long. I make sure to just keep being nice to her and after a few minutes the walls come back down.

 

I have a 2 year old and a 3 year old, and I can't miss work. I bought some throw away plates, some lunchables, and other easy to make lunches, I make sure the kids tablets are changed, and clean up around the house a little more then I normally do. I set some crackers and water on the nightstand on her side and some ginger pills to help ease the nausea before she gets up. When I get home from work I make/ buy something for dinner and take Rachie a plate. The rest of the time I try to do everything for the kids so Rachie doesn't have to.

I guess my goal is to just make it were my wife has to do as little as possible even when I'm not there.

 

Rachie and I did FANOS last night. It was good. The biggest thing was when we went over needs. Rachie needs me not to "leave" mentally. I have been "here" more in the last few days more than I have been and she needs me to stay. I asked how can I help you feel like I'm not going anywhere? She said just keep doing what your doing.

It was nice to do FANOS again it's a good way to touch base and know what's really going on with each other.