A squirrely Journal

My Recovery Goals:

• Journal
• Workout
• Read
• Recovery work for therapy

This weekend was good. Did some side work on Saturday and was payed a little more then I expected. Got home around 12:30ish got a shower and got to spend the rest of the with the family.

Had one hang up on Saturday. We (hole family) were watching a movie and I got triggered. I said something to Rachie but then said I will be OK. We watched the movie a little bit longer the turned it off. Almost had a big fight but Rachie and I talked. I expand that I was triggered but since the movie shows the girl growing up prier to the point I was triggered, I was able to think of the growing up and stop the dopamine. She said "if you are triggered a little I'm triggered a lot and I'm not going to get over it." I said sorry". Then Rachie said "All you had to do is say I'm triggered and turn it off and that's it. I would have felt like I could trust you that much more." At I felt very upset with myself and said "sorry sweetie". She gave me kiss and said "Don't make me regret being nice to you." and I said "I won't.

The rest of the weekend was great. Played card games with the wife after the kids went to bed for like 3 hours. Had church in Sunday and eat at the in-laws. Got to spend some extra time with my son and just all around good weekend.

 

My Daily Goals:

• Journal
• Read
• Stretch
• Anxiety homework

Yesterday was a really good day. Rachie and I did FANOS for the first time and it went well. When we did needs I was surprised that Rachie said "She just needs less stress all around. The house is dirty, kids are driving her nuts." It was every day things that she's in need of, not something to do with my recovery. Which means things are getting better for us. Now in the past I've had a tendency to get complacent when I feel like the pressures is not so bad. Today's different, today I feel reinvigorated to dig deeper into my recovery so that we can have a better life.

Yesterday Rachie had therapy then she went out and spent some time with her mom. I stayed home with the kids. We ate dinner and watched a kids show. Then my son and I played swords, as my daughter twirled around use wearing a pair of four leaf clover glasses. It was a lot of fun. After I put my daughter down to bed. My son "helped" me clean up. After cleaning we read his Bible said his prayers. Then when I tucked him into bed he told me how much of a good day he had with his daddy. I told him I had a good day with him too. Love you deeds and shut the door behind me as I was leaving his room. I can't believe I chose P over all this good in my life at one time.

After the kids went to bed I did laundry and cleaned up the house. Making sure I checked in with Rachie every hour like I'm supposed to. Until Rachie got home. Then we sat on the couch and she told me about her day. After we talked for a while we both got a snack and read "How We Love" until bed.

 

My Daily Goals:

• Journal
• Talk to Rachie

Had a big fight last night with my wife. When I got back from therapy my wife was asleep I woke her up because I want wanted her know that I was home (that way she would not be super triggered later.) I gave her an update on therapy and could tell something was bothering her and so I asked her. She said that I couldn't handle it and I said try me. So she begin telling me all the things that were bothering her and I did good for an hour. An hour into her talking I started trying to fix her problems. Then she got angry then I got angry and it escalated from there. At some point I had to get out of the room so that I wouldn't say something to make everything worse. I was not gone long but I left. At some point when I got back I yelled at her. So part of last night I slept on the couch because she told me to.

Thing is I want to be there for her and I was I, was doing good until I tried to fixing it. Yes I know I did wrong by trying to fixing it but I was also trying to be encouraging to. When she's gets that up set it doesn't matter what I do it's going to be wrong. She doesn't feel that I'm upset or empathetic to what she tells me but she feels like everybody else does even if they say the same thing I say.

At some point last night I went ahead and went back upstairs because to be fully honest I was becoming very tempted to relapse. I felt defeated, I felt angry and I felt lost before I left for work this morning I held her. I don't know if she knows I did I know I could tell that she wanted to be held but I don't know how asleep she was.

 

I messed up Tuesday night. When I'm tempted to relapse I am to let my wife know about it, when it happens. I did not do that and to make it worse she found out after I had said something to someone else. Then after work on Wednesday I lied and said I forgot I was supposed to let her know.

Right now she's not sure if she wants to be with me anymore and it's because of my lying.

Yesterday I had therapy and talk to my therapist about my lying problem. He said people lie because of shame, fear and because they don't trust others. The hole session felt like a wast of my time and I'm to blame. I get to timid to speak up or stop him in the middle of a rant. I should have asked "how do you deal with the shame, fear, or lack of trust others?" I didn't I was expecting him to tell me how to stop lying or at least steps to take in that direction. Instead I was told a bunch of things I already know and got nothing and I'm to blame.

 

Everything is still up in the air. Rachie is still very upset. At times she want to be done and at other times she wants to keep going. I'm all in. I haven't given up on us. Today we have therapy and it's going to be a marriage session. I'm hoping it will go OK.

I told Rachie this weekend that "I've done all this recover work and I'm still missing the important thing. I read, I've gone to man group, I go to a csat and I'm still lying and not owning up to my mistakes. For now on my focus is going to be listening to what you have to say because nothing else is working." I let her know I'm going to continue doing recovery work just that hearing her is more important.

 

Had therapy last night. It didn't help all that much. We talked about lying and relationship rings. Then after therapy Rachie and I fought the rest of the day. At one point she said that I've changed a little but none of the big things have changed. So here's another list:

• Lying
• Immediate ownership
• Not taking my anger out on others
• Pity party
• Not handling her being triggered

All of this is true. I lie in defence to myself because I don't think before I speak and because I do this this I'm not owning up to what I do. I own up after I have defined myself and by then it's to late. I take my anger out on others because I'm not good at handling my anger. I need to find ways to stop being angry. I know taking deep breaths help. There's another part of my anger and that is that I'm controlling. When people don't do what I expected them to do then I get made at them. I have to learn that I can't control others. The controller part of me is way I don't handle Rachie being triggered. She gets triggered then I say something then she responds to me and if it's what I'm expecting them I'm OK if not I go off.

Right now I'm upset and angry. I'm tired of being the way I am and just want to be different.

 

I believe I'm about were you are saying. I'm still doing recovery work and tracking saws and notices but my focus is not PA recovery but me and relationship recovery. Not PMOing is great but if I'm still lying, not getting over my fears and not communicating with my wife. It doesn't mean a thing.

 

Yesterday was a OK day. I had the day off. The first part of the day was not to good and that's my fault. I was putting so much pressure on myself to make the day perfect that I was acting like a nut. Rachie and I talked and after she explained that I can't expect perfection and that I need to just relax, the day was good.

Last night when the kids went to bed Rachie and I read some more of "How we love". The chapter we read last night went over connections and how we form connections as children and as a result of our childhood connections how we connect in a marriage. Then towards the middle of the chapter it has a scale of 1 to 5 and about 30 questions to see how will you connect with others and yourself. Nether of use scored very high but it felt good to do something like that with Rachie and have a deeper understanding of us.

 

Had a pretty good weekend. Had some good talks with Rachie and some fun with the kids.

Friday night Rachie and I had a small fight and I struggled with knowing what I was feeling. Then I thought I could draw my feeling and I did. Once I draw the feeling I felt better. It just felt good to get it out. Later I showed Rachie and that also felt good because I have such a hard time knowing my feelings that I don't express them will. With a drawing I was able to show here and really let her in.

 

Yesterday was good. I had no saws or notices got to spend a little time with the kids and help the Rachie detail clean the car. Then after the kids were asleep we watched a show together.

Rachie took me to work this morning and she got triggered. I don't handle her being triggered very well but this morning I tried handling it differently than I normally do. I asked her if she wanted to talk, she said "what's there to talk about." After a minute I said "This is one of the upsetting things about recovery. When there's something that we see that's not triggering to me but because you know what used to be. Now it's triggering to you. The hole thing just messed up." I said this in a very calm voice. I don't know if what I did this morning was right thing or even if she felt better. What I do know is that I didn't throw a fit or wine. I tried talking but only time will tell.

 

Last night a friend form out of town come over. When we were all setting around and talking our friend started talking about a show. Then she got on her phone and wanted to show us how good looking the cast is. I got up and started heading to the kitchen. When I got up our friend said "Your really ignoring me!?!" Then said "Wow anytime I try to show other guy friends a picture of a active woman they look." It was late so after things settled down I said goodnight and went to bed.

Later that night when Rachie got to bed I asked her if I handled that right, and she said yes. So I'm happy.

 

Rachie was triggered yesterday. At first I didn't realize and I was getting annoyed by the way she was acting. Then I asked "Are you triggered?" She said "Yes." I asked if she wanted to talk about and she said "No." I waited for some time then asked he again. She said what it was triggered her, then I asked "Is there anything I can do to help." She said "No." After I few minutes past I owned up to what I had done in the past and told her none of it was her fault.

In the past before D-day I used to blame her for everything and know there is times she remembers something. Then she feels dumb, ugly and stupid all over again. I hate that I have done this.

 

Yesterday was a good day all-round. Went to work had school, got out of school early because there wasn't much to go over. Then after class we all went over to my in-laws for dinner. After dinner we all set around the table and talked until our kids needed to go home and be put to bed.

Rachie stayed at my in-laws and I took the kids home and put them to bed. Rachie and I had a long good bye before I went home because we haven't gotten to see as much of each other this week. When I got home I put the kids down I cleaned up the house and played a game. When Rachie got home we went to bed.

Yesterday is an example of my new life, my better life. I never set around and talked when I was using P. In the past when everyone was talking I would have sneaked off and PMOed. Setting there and being there is so much better. I was missing out on life and didn't even care.

In the past Rachie would have not been comfortable enough to enjoy herself, if I went home without her. She's still a little triggered but I do my part to reassure her and make her feel better, most by checking in and sending pictures.

I just love my new life.

 

Had a rough weekend. It all started Friday night our friend was still in from out of town and I had suggested a game night. It was very late at night when we all set down to start playing games. I was just tired and ended up not staying up very long. One of the worst things I did was I just got up and went to bed Rachie was very triggered because I used to do things like that when we had people over. I would get up and go so I could pmo. Before I went upstairs I knew Richie was triggered or upset about something but I didn't ask her and that made things worse for her Richie. We are doing OK today but Rachie is still very upset. We had a good talk last night and she explained to me that I used to stay up wait for her to fall asleep set alarms get up early in the middle of the night to pmo and that she needs some that want. I feel horrible because she's right I did get up in the middle of night stay up late waiting for her to fall asleep just to pmo. I made my addiction my priority my want and now that I don't have it THAT desire should be hers. She should be the priority, she should be the one feeling loved. I have to show her that she is the desire.

 

Last night was a very emotional night for Rachie. She went over to my in-laws house to spend some time with her mom and sister. At some point they started talking about my father in law and the mistakes he has made. He is a PA (as far as I know) he does not act out anymore but has never done any kind of recovery nor has he ever tried to help my mother in law with the pain she's going through. With all that being said Rachie came home last night very hurt and triggered. She said she wanted help and I held her close. We feel asleep like that.

 

We are dealing with a lot of triggers her lately. Rachie is being triggered a lot and not just from what I have done in the past. For example, last night I went to get food and ask her what she wanted, she told me then I asked a series of questions about her order. She got up set and then I got upset/ confused then said same stupid things. After a minute I set down and talked to her about what was going on. She reminded me that I used to go out for food and watch P before getting food. Also that I have been attacking her about food here lately and reminding her of how I used to say how picky, and ungrateful she is. I apologised and told her I will stop doing the food thing and then I apologized about being insensitive to how she might feel about how she could be triggered.

After all that things were better. I can tell she was still in a fight or flight mood off and on the rest of the night but everything was OK.

 

Rachie was very tired yesterday. The night before she unable to sleep. I was not busy at work so I left work a few hours early. When I got home we talk about some things that needed done and she went to bed. After she went to bed I did the things that needed done and got to spend some time with the kids. Then when nap time came around I put the kids down for a nap. Once the kids were down I played a game setting my alarm for every 20 minutes. When my game alarm went off I would get up and do dishes or clean the car. Even though Rachie was asleep upstairs I treated that time as if she was out of the house and checked in every hour.

Rachie got up 3 hours later and I went and got dinner. With all that being said. There was a time that Rachie would have never gotten any sleep because she would have been to worried about what I mite do. Life is ruff right now but it's days like yesterday that I see over all things are getting better.