A squirrely Journal

My Recovery Goals:

• Journal
• Workout
• Read
• Look for a new therapist

We (hole family) had a good weekend. Had a easy day on Saturday. Had church on Sunday. Sunday evening was not so good but Rachie and I did not have a fight. We were looking over our bills and realized I am going to have to work overtime every Saturday for about the nested 6 to 8 months. Working overtime has always been a point of tension for Rachie and myself. My father-in-law worked all the time when Rachie was a child, so she never saw her dad and she really didn't even have a relationship of any kind with him until she was an adult. In that it is very triggering when I work overtime. Also, I used to act out when I worked overtime so that's also very triggering for her. My goal is to spend more time with the family than ever before in the evening. Better quality time, not just sitting in front of a screen watching TV but playing with the kids interacting with my wife and being there.

 

My Recovery Goals:

• Journal
• Workout
• Worksheet paper
• Read

Yesterday was a good day all around. Rachey was going to go to women's group last night but they canceled a lot second. So instead her and her sister went out and saw the movie. I got to watch the kids which is something I want to do on Mondays and we had a lot of fun. Me and my son watched cartoons and played video games till I had to put him down for bed. My son and me needed that last night. I don't get enough quality time with the kids. As I was tucking him into bed he had the best little smile on his face. It makes my day thinking of it. Stopping PMO is the best thing I have ever done.

I have some work paper from my therapist that I'm going to go ahead and journal about here.
"What Really Matters to Me"
What are the top six things that matter most in my life?

1. Church
2. Family
3. Being an achiever
4. Being trustworthy
5. Having integrity
6. Good work ethic

• What personal goals do I want to achieve?

1. A stranger marriage
2. A stranger walk with God
3. Getting reconnected with my emotions
4. Having empathy
5. Finishing top of my class in school
6. Moving up in my job

• What are the morals and values I believe in?

1. Being faithful to God
2. Leading my family in a closer walk with God without forcing them.
   
3. Being faithful to wife
4. Being faithful to family
5. Showing respect for others
6. Leading by example

• What are my religious and spiritual beliefs?

1. Pray daily
2. Read my Bible daily
3. Be at Church Sunday's and Wednesday
4. Pay tithes and offering
5. Don't watched anything with nudity, extreme violence, or cursing.

• Who is the most important to me in my life and how do I want to treat him or her?

1. My wife, Rachie.
2. How do I want to treat Rachie? With love and respect, with kindness and understanding and with caring and patience.

• What personal traits do I want to convey to others?

1. Loyalty
2. Honesty
3. Perseverance
4. Love
5. Caring
6. Leader

• How would I like to contribute to the lives of people I care about?

1. By being a husband Rachie can trust.
2. Being the dad I always wanted to be. Hard but loving, kind, safe and always showing my kids new things. I want my kids to know I will always lesson and want them to know I will always be there.
3. Being the husband that provides for his family needs emotionly, mentally, and financially.

 

My Recovery Goals:

• Journal
• Read
• Worksheet
• Work from my book

I went to men's group last night. We did not split up even if we did I would have gone with my therapist. With all that being said last night was my last man's group meeting. It was a good meeting but going to man's group is just to triggering for Rachie and me. Man's group is triggering for me because I have class on Tuesday and I typically get to the group 30 minutes early. That my not seem like much but when I was a active PA I would get everywhere 30 minutes early to act out. Then add the stress of having a female therapist in the room. Plus, 2 out of 3 times I have gone to man's group it has taken me 30 to 40 minutes to get there when my GPS said it would only take 15 to 16. All of these reasons are just to triggering for me and Rachie.

Rachie last night on my way home said "she feels like something is up." She's got that feeling I am doing something or not being honest. I told her "That scares me because normally your right. Even when I don't think I'm doing something wrong. I usually am and realize it later." She said "She feels crazy." I told her that "She is not crazy and listed the things I mentioned above and some other things. Then I told her that all of what I mentioned would be triggering but you have had all this stuff happen in just 2 or 3 days."

We did not fight when I got home. She was not feeling good and told me to leave her alone. So I set on the edge of the bed and didn't say anything. I stay in the room when she's triggered like this because in the past I was not there at all. Now I'm here and don't want to leave her alone again, even if I'm not talking. After sometime we went to bed. Then late last night Rachie woke me up shaking. She was asleep and was having a bad dream of me having sex with someone else. She woke up crying and saying "I can't even sleep without being triggered." I tried holding her but she did not want held then I apologized for not waking her up. I told her she was shaking and woke me up and I thought she was having a bad dream but I was not sure. So I prayed a little and held you. I should have woken you up." We went back to sleep soon after that.

I just want her to be OK.

 

My Recovery Goals

• Journal
• Read
• Don't loss my temper
• Look up some stuff online

I'm already done with this day. Rachie is mad at me for something and I don't know what. She told me that I'm hiding something from her and I'm not. She asked me what's going on at night and I told her I'm sleeping. Come to find out I'm moving a lot in my sleep in a sexual way still. I didn't know I was doing that but I don't know if that's whats wrong. Rachie told me she's tired of coming to me to talk about things and that when I mess up I should come to her. I don't get how I'm supposed to go to her when I don't know I messed up. I thank there's something she has seen or heard that looks bad that I don't even know about.

I'm completely my old self right now except for PMOing. I mad, I'm anxious, I'm paranoid, I'm back to looking over my shoulder, I'm throwing fits, throwing things, yelling. Doing this uncommunicated thing I don't do. I don't know what's going on. I don't know how to handle it and I know I'm handling it wrong but I don't know how I'm supposed to tell her what's going on when I don't even know it myself. It's that's crap.

 

My Recovery Goals:

• Journal
• Figure out a good time to workout
• Read
• Paper work for student loans

Last night Rachie and I were talking and she was asking about Tuesday night. Tuesday was a bad day she was very triggered and then during the night she had a bad dream.

Sometimes when she dreams she having a "good dream". Because I thought she was having a "good dream" I was tempted to touch her. (Come to find out she was not having a good dreams. She was having a night mare.) The problem is I was tempted to touch her and I didn't tell anyone that I was tempted. I am not to mess with Rachie when she is asleep because of things I have done in the past. She feels like I lied to her because I didn't tell her when I was tempted or my AP I feel stupid today because I should have recognized that being tempted in anyway is huge and that I need to tell someone.

When I was tempted that night it was very briefly and I didn't give into that temptation and I blocked it out of my mind so quickly that I didn't consider what it even just happened. Rachie asked me if I thought about it the next day and I said yes but only briefly. There is a part of me that wanders how often I am briefly tempted push it away quickly and never think about it again. And if I'm worried about pushing Temptation away and not thinking about it when I'm tempted how much more worried can my wife feel.

 

My Recovery Goals:

• Journal
• Workout
• Do recovery work
• Watch "Helping her heal"
• Draw emotion

This past weekend was OK. I was a but and moody at times. I talked to my AP yesterday and told him about how I was acting. I said "I've been acting like my old self, moody, angry, and tired all week. The thing I don't get is I've not acted out at all. So I don't get what's going on with me." He told me that "You need to talk about your feelings and get them out. You are holding them in to much and it's messing you all up." I think he is right. For me feelings of fear, confusion, anxiety and lonely are detrimental to my recovery.

I'm also worried I'm not getting enough sleep. Not enough sleep makes me feel like my old self because I used to stay up and acted out.

 

My Recovery Goals:

• Journal
• Look up stuff on anxiety
• Watch "Helping her heal"
• Draw
• Read

Last night Rachie did not have woman's group after therapy. She was going to meet up with her mom and sister to go see a movie after women's group but women's group being cancelled she had 2 hours to spare before meeting up with them. So I convinced her to come home. I told her that I would put the kids down for bed and that way we could spend a little time together before she went and saw the movie. So she came home and I put the kids down to bed. Last night I was very anxious and I didn't realize that I was feeling a lot of anxiety until after Rachie left. I kept on getting up cleaning the house ask her if she needed anything. Before Rachie left my anxiety caused a fight. She said "I came home to spend time with you. Not to watch you clean the house". It was not until after she left that I was feeling a lot of anxiety. I was able to talk to her for a little bit before she saw the movie and I told her "I just I don't know what's going on I'm feeling a lot of anxiety. I know you're not going to get much sleep tonight, I'm worried about the house being dirty and I want you to have an easy day tomorrow. I'm tired and worried about everything else going on. Then I told her "I'm sorry." I also told her "That I need to learn how to manage my anxiety it's getting harder and harder." She said "That it's because I'm not been around and I'm having to deal with things now and I've never had to do that before you would just numbed out. Your not doing that anymore." So today I am going to look into some anxiety techniques on calming down and what to avoid.

Anxiety what to avoid:

• Coffee
• Procrastination
• Lying

Things to relive anxiety

• Praying
• Eat well
• Get enough sleep
• Exercise
• Take deep breaths
• Do small projects around the house
• Be open and honest about everything
• Remember anxiety is only temporary

 

My Recovery Goals:

• Journal
• Workout
• Deep thinking
• Draw

I recorded my day yesterday. Every hour I took a picture and wrought what I was doing at that time. I got the idea from "Worthy of her trust" as a way to build trust with my wife. Even though it's a way to build trust I found that I like it for other reasons. I looked back over my day and had a since of accomplishment. Every hour I was doing something to stay busy. As a PA being bored or not staying busy is potential for a relapse. Before I stopped acting out I had to much time on my hands. Without knowing it I am always staying busy making it very difficult to have a chance to relapse.

I had some thoughts yesterday that I want to ask myself today.

How is being an recovery addict going to make me a better person? (in the long run.)

• If it was not for my addiction I would have never worked on myself. Such as my temper or how I isolate myself.
• I would have never consider thinking of others. Such as how Rachie mite be feeling or how violated a woman feels when a man ogles them.
• Because I'm in recovery I have a better clearer picture of how to raise my kids in a way I was not raised.
• Helped me be me and not just a facade.

How has my recovery started making me a better person?

• It forces me to be accountable for my actions.
• Makes me reflect on my thoughts and actions.
• Helps me keep in mind those around me and what my actions my or my not do to them.
• Helps me reconnect to myself and is helping me find me in ways I my have never found me otherwise.

 

My Recovery Goals:

• Journal
• Workout
• Therapy
• Read

Today I'm going to send a picture to Rachie every hour thing, @Kenzi mentioned. Sounds like a lot of fun and my wife really liked the idea too.

Today I have therapy and I have some questions that I need him to answer.

• How to deal with Rachies triggers?
  • I'm not handling Rachie being triggered good at all. She gets triggered and I freeze up and don't say anything or I say the wrong thing, plus she feels like I don't listen to her when it happens.

• What does a 90 day sobriety look like?
  • What are the rules?
• Other ways to connect rather than sex?
  • Rachie and I really do want more than sex to connect us.

 

You have to look ahead to the future to get to where you want. When it comes down to it is that I am an addict and will always be an addict. I have an addict mined set if I didn't us porn I would have done something else, alcohol, drug, or a host of other things. My upbringing forced me to look for ways to cope and I found porn. I don't blame my upbringing for my adulthood I chose to keep looking at porn. I'm sorry you disagree but if you spend your life stuck in the guilt and shame of what you have done then you will never see the best you that you can be.

Theres a man in my man's group who has been in recovery for 10 years and is no further in his recovery then I am and I'm I little over 6 months. He's not used P in ten years but he's going through a divorce because he can't get past his sham, guilt, and leaning on others to keep him up. I don't won't to be like that even 5 years down the road.

 

My Recovery Goals:

• Journal
• Read
• Get caught up on sleep
• Recovery homework

Yesterday I had therapy and it was completely different from the last few times I went. We started off talking about my triggers and my anxiety. Then I asked him about the question Rachie and I wanted to ask.

• SHow to deal with Rachies triggers?
  
  • He gave me FANOS worksheet so that we can have a better way of communicating with each other.
• What does a 90 day sobriety look like?
  
  • He gave me another worksheet outlining guide lines. I will talk more about this in a minute.
• Other ways to connect rather than sex?
  
  • A long with FANOS, he gave me a book call "Total Intimacy". Rachie and I are to read this book slowly and talk about it. He also told me I need to buy "How we love" the book. He said about "How we Love" (the book) "If you all never went to therapy again that book alone would help your marriage." Truth be told I believe it. I love the website and it has helped me understand me in such a deep level.

Back to 90 day sobriety. Rachie and I decided we are going to do it. Our biggest problem about it was sex is the only thing that makes us feel connected. Now that we have FANOs and a book to read together, plus I will be buying "How we love" we feel like we can start connecting in other was.
So here is the guide lines of our 90 day sobriety:

• No sex
• No internet use at home
• No alcohol(I don't drink, this is a easy one for us.)
• No TV. With the exception of news, history, or sporting events. (we will probably cut TV out all to gather)
• Only G rated movies at a theater with family.
• No fantasizing
• No one on one conversation with woman unless for work-related necessity
• No objectifying
• Change the routes normally drive
• Establish a defensive protocol when alone at home for 2 hours or more
• Connect with your wife or intimate male friend everyday more than a superficial level

Most all of this we do already so it's not that big of a deal to stick with the guide lines.

I'm hoping that some of my behaviors will change well I'm going through this 90 day sobriety. My anger, being whining and being moody, "moving around in my sleep ", and just start treating Rachie better all the way around.

 

My Recovery Goals:

• Journal
• Workout
• Spin time with wife
• Get some sleep

My weekend was good. I was a little moody on Saturday because I drink to much caffeine. I know it's caffeine because I woke up happy then at breakfast I had a cup of tea and after the tea I started feeling strange. Later the family went to see a movie and I got a pop after the pop I started feeling worse. Later we went to my in-laws and I drink a lot of tea. After that I wasn't worth anything, I was mood and tired. I didn't put all this together until later that night. Sunday I was much better. Rachie and the kids got me lots of gifts. We had a good breakfast. Went to church and later had a good dinner.

I almost forgot. Here lately I'm starting to be more open when I talk to people. What I mean is I'm talking to people and joking with them something I've not done in a very long time. It's little of myself I'm seeing come back to me.

 

My Recovery Goals:

• Journal
• Eat healthy
• Do on of my worksheets

Yesterday was a good day. I had one hick up. I'm doing some math homework work and looked up how to do it. When I did an image of a woman popped up. When this happens I am to put my phone face up and away from me for 30 scounds because that's how often Rachie's security app updates. So I put my phone face up and went about my business until I know the 30 seconds were up. Then I told Rachie and my AP about it. Rachie let me know later that she felt like I didn't tell her everything but I just keep telling her what had happened. Come to find out the image was of a person I'm not to see but I didn't look at it enough to know who it was. Rachie said she didn't believe me but there's nothing she can do to make me tell the truth. Later Rachie had therapy and when she got back she seemed better.

Yesterday we went shopping and I got healthy foods so that I can lower my cholesterol. After shopping I started making my lunches for the rest of the week and Rachie got onto ancestry.com and started working on my family tree. I don't know much about my family tree and it's something of an interesting to me. I'm very thankful to have a wife that's willing to look into my Origins and find out were I come from.

 

My Recovery goals:

• Journal
• Workout
• Eat healthy
• Read
• Try to relax

I've been freaking out this week. I have a test tomorrow and I've not been able to do the amount of recovery work I would normally do a day. I've journaled everyday and I have hit most of my daily goals (excepted get some sleep). Normally I like to Journal, Read, and do some sort of recovery work a day. I typically spend 1 up to 2 hours a day on recovery work. This does not count praying and reading my Bible. Because of the test tomorrow I've only had about 45 minutes the few days to focus on recovery. I know doing at lest something is good but I know how easy it is to get lacks and start going backwards. Today I'm going to study heard on my test tomorrow and come Friday through Monday not think about school but be completely focused on recovery work.


This is a picture of my kids watching there tablet. I've been wanting to post this for about a month now but couldn't figure out how to. I love this picture one it's my kids, two I draw it. I stopped drawing eight or nine years ago and thought here in the last few years that I just had lost it. I know now that I didn't lose my artistic ability. I took it away from myself because of P. Here lately I started sketching again and it just feels like I'm coming back to myself.

 

My Recovery Goals

• Journal
• Read
• Go over bills

Yesterday was a good day. Since Rachie and I have started the 90 days no sex I've had a saw or a notice, yesterday I had no saws or notices. Which makes me happy. Today Rachie and I are on day 7. It's not easy. It's not the lake of sex so much as not staying connected. Sex has been the only thing connecting us for so long. As long as we spend a little time together each day it's good. The first 3 or 4 days we had time. Then around day 5 we got busy with life and didn't get to set down and spend some quality time together, so in turn, we felt disconnected last night. We were able to spend a little time together late last night and plan to go on a date Friday. So we felt better before bed.

 

My Recovery Goals:

• Journal
• Workout
• Read
• List not being defensive
• Go to bed early

Yesterday evening Rachie and I got to set down and read our couples book together. I love doing this because we get in some good quality time together. At the end of each section there is some questions or exercise we can do together.

Last night as we were reading Rachie got triggered and was close to complete shutting down. She told me way and I asked "what are you feeling." She said "hurt, angry, sad,." Then I said something stupid that made Rachie feel like I made it about me. At some point she said "You started off with a good question then that's were it stops" I said something like "I guess I want to know and once you tell me the feeling your feelings I think oh I can see way she feels that way." She said "What you needed to ask was about a feeling." So I asked about anger. Then she went into detail about way she was angry about that particular situation. I had no idea. I've been an idiot this whole time. I mean only thinking of the initial feeling I've underestimated all the other pains that come with any given situation of pain I caused Rachie. After she told me I cried some one I didn't understand what I had done to her, two I was letting something happen because I was wanting some feelings because I felt I didn't get enough. In all reality Rachie was already giving me those things and I didn't see it.

After that we went to bed. The thing that ways on my mind today. Is that was only one situation. There's hundreds of times I've hurt Rachie that Rachie's been bearing for years and I've got to make sure that I really hear her like I did last night.