A Silent Yet Strident Star's Tirade Against Himself

Discussion in 'Under 20' started by Argent Star, Mar 13, 2015.

  1. Argent Star

    Argent Star Fapstronaut

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    Hour 0

    Dear Diary,

    I've gotten so used to inconsistency that I am consistent at being inconsistent. I still have lingering thoughts of death sometimes. I strive to be something that, to me, feels impossible, but I know that I can achieve it if I put my mind to it. For the past couple of days, I've been so bitter. I've been telling myself that I can only bring women ruin. And I can only be brought ruin by women.

    This is, in all it's deceit, a travesty. Nothing but a lie to keep me from evolving, and becoming who I should have been in the first place had I not been introduced to porn inadvertently by my father, and had I not chose to continue going down the path that made my father the way he is now. I would like nothing more than to be nothing like my father and better in all ways. But what does better mean? What is the meaning of "better"? How would I become that, and would it ultimately be for the "better"?

    I digress. It's high time that I revealed my past. The truth is, I caught my father looking at porn one cold night when I was living in a cottage with my parents. I was going to grab a glass of water by the sink and since my dad was on the computer late at night. I glanced behind my back to look at what he was ogling since the dinner table, subsequently the laptop table, was behind me. I saw porn with my own eyes for the very first time in my life in elementary school. Later during my high school years where I would feel less and less poised to compete and motivate myself, I would catch glimpses of my father's true nature. I caught him with a prostitute two times. This shattered my mind, and in an attempt to break away from the pain, stress, and anger, I would masturbate to pornography. The same material that probably drove my father to the way he is now.





    In the time span that I took a break from writing, I masturbated again. I wonder how many times it will take until I learn to truly control my primal urges by giving up that which is important to me, but not of real value in my life. I want to die. I want to lie in a field of reeds and simply die. I see no future, only the past, and sometimes, the present. I would like to die peacefully. I would like to die without any regrets. That is right now. I don't understand what it is that I want right now. However, all I want is to lie in a field of reeds one day. I know that very much. I want to lie in a field of reeds and sleep peacefully. Perhaps even die in that very field if it suited me that much. I can't bring myself to smile right now. I find the point of living so horrible that I wish for no more anger, no more sadness, no more pain, nothing. I just want some emptiness. Some peace of mind. I want to have some peace. I want so much, but I don't have the will to work for it. I am weak, feeble, washed-up, kind, tired, lonely, empathetic, sympathetic, funny, lazy, skilled, sagely, stubborn, arrogant, haughty, loving, awkward, wimpy, scared, of average build, slowly growing fatter, and so much more that I could dig into right now. I wonder why I was born. I wonder why I am this soul tied to this body tied to this personality tied to these surroundings. I wonder why I am the way I am. I want to go back to innocence, but innocence doesn't mean wisdom, and I need wisdom.

    I will try again. I will keep trying. I am nineteen years old. I am in college. I will try until the day I die. I will always seek to be a better man in my own eyes, and not for anyone else's eyes. I will try to walk as straight and honest a path I can. I want a path that brings honor, not glory. Knowledge of the fact that I did good deeds, yet not having the world know about what I did. Not for fame and fortune, but for honor and wisdom. To be wise among my peers and be wiser than my years. To have honor. To have... love. Love is something I crave, it is something I feel. It is something I want to give and receive. It is something I want to create and foster.

    That path may be not for me. I want to become a Navy SEAL. Navy SEALs don't make so much money. They don't get so much happiness, but what I want out of that job is self-satisfaction. I want to bring honor to myself. No one else but me. There may be times when I am led into questionable actions by my government, and the US is not the best government there is out there I feel. However, I will never know unless I try. First, I will get stronger, then I will pay off my parents' mortgage if I can. If not, I will dive in headfirst into BUD/S if I can.

    I may have to kill, and I may have to die. But I will die knowing that I was doing something instead of the crap that I'm doing in this time. I'll be damned if I don't know how to handle a gun later in life. I'll be damned if I don't know CQB basics and how to defend myself. I might have camaraderie, but that is all naught if I am going through a path that makes some significance to me in life. I may become a scientist, but I may become a soldier.





    Right now, I am a soldier. Fighting against an enemy I don't believe I can win in my state of mind. I am a soldier who dies every once in a while. Then he reanimates himself and keeps pushing forward, keeps slaying more, keeps sustaining more injuries, and all for a cause he believes in. A righteous cause. He is embittered, and he is young. There is much hatred on his mind, and much bitterness, but underneath that lies an interior kept cold by his demeanor. An interior that has the capability to illuminate thousands of souls and make them happy. However, the time is not right for him, and there may never be such a time. The boy feels as if he will die permanently every time he goes into the cold embrace of death, but there is no such thing as luck to this boy in these circumstances. His rifle is well-worn. His hands are heavily callused. His mind is struck with fear, pain, anger, sadness, hatred, vengeance, revenge, and so many more things. But he doesn't cry as long as he can help it, and keeps trudging on. Enemies littering the field of reeds that he walks on. The reeds seem to encompass a closed area in a rectangular shape with the widths hidden out sight. The boy started at one width and he seeks another, and he doesn't know if he can reach it, but he will keep moving. Never losing hope, never giving up on the future that he may have. Even if it's only a small chance of happiness, he will keep moving.

    This is who I am. Though real life is much more different. This is who I am when I imagine myself. Real life is not so unhappy, but the moments where I die a little inside each time, are the moments that I feel like real life is just a mirror of this field of reeds and its obstacles.

    I live to die, and I live again to die again. One day, I will live far longer than my other lives, but today that is not meant to be, so I must keep moving forward and try not to die.

    Simple.
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2016
  2. Argent Star

    Argent Star Fapstronaut

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    Day 1, 17 Hours.

    Dear Diary,


    An auspicious moment. A strange one full of promises of surprises, and who knows what else. It was only a day or two ago where I reset my badge at the exact same time as today's streak. Moving on.

    So many things happened yesterday, and as a result, it feels like I do not know how to type, and I feel so... empty. I feel tired, and empty inside. However, I am freed. I feel freer than ever. A load off my mind and my chest has been taken off. As a result of constantly feeling pain, anguish, and misery in-general. I now know part of what it means to be "happy".

    It took me three years to tell my father that I knew about his infidelity. Yesterday was that day. I finally brought up the subject in the car and talked to him about it. The result was disastrous at first. He kept trying to bring up random bullshit that he used to justify his acts. He told me that my mother knew what she was marrying into. He told me that stuff like this didn't "hurt the family". It took me roughly ten minutes of rationality and another minute or so of pure anger explosion to make him feel what I had gone through the past three years. I screamed in his face for roughly a whole twenty seconds. Only then, did I see some regret in his face. Regret for having done what he had done.

    I don't regret exploding on him. I don't regret viewing him as a poor child being whaled on with harsh words later that day. That's really just what he is. I will try to forgive him, and in the process of saying those words. I will forgive him as of today. However, if there is one thing that I may not do, at least for a while, it is to look at his face. I will forgive, but I will not forget. As for my mother, I've already tried, time and again, to make me understand the pain that I have gone through. I don't know how much of my will is left for me to try and keep doing so; however, I feel completely free now. I feel as if I have been unshackled of my chains.

    There is only the matter of moving out, getting a job, finishing school, and continuing on with what my life has left. What I can offer life, and what it can offer to me.




    This might be a bit triggering to some, so as a warning, please read with caution.


    Also, this morning, I had a strange and beautiful dream in a way. It was a sort of premonition, and I feel like it was for the better in all honesty. I was with a group of people around my age, and then there was this strange, gorgeous, Caucasian girl with striking Polish eyes. I only vaguely recall the events leading up to this, but then she told me that she was going to sleep with me one day, bluntly put. Later on, there's an activity where everyone in the group gets sorted into pairs, and the pairs have to overcome obstacles (I think?) in-order to sleep with each other, and low and behold. I get paired with that strange girl with her striking eyes and she tells me that she told me she was going to sleep with me one day. Then the rest of the dream was a bit of a hazy feeling, but I only recall looking at the girl from behind, and that I don't recall us specifically doing anything carnal.

    Someday, I hope to fall in love with her, but it was only a dream. There are other girls that I have to talk to about things.
     
  3. Argent Star

    Argent Star Fapstronaut

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    Day 1, Hour 14.

    Dear Diary,

    I came across some news today on Facebook that utterly sickened me. Brock Turner, a Stanford athlete who raped an unconscious young woman, was sentenced to a mere six months in jail, and three years probation. WHAT THE FUCK!? Are you honestly telling me that this guy is getting this small of a sentence? This is utterly sickening. He deserves the full sentence, and he shouldn't even be able to go the Olympics. This case is a sickening case atypical of happenings across the US of A that I do not doubt are happening right now.

    Women are not objects to be used when they are inebriated. Women are not hot things that come with a bunch of holes for a guy to shove his dick into without consent. I am honestly pissed the fuck off about the lax attitude of the government's system for crime in this country. It sickens me to the very soul, even when I do not know the whole story regardless. That guy, Brock Turner, deserves the full sentence. I read the victim's letter, and it only made me all the more convinced that guys like him should be behind bars for as long as they can be. FUCK! Shit like this that doesn't truly concern me pisses me off. This shouldn't be happening at all. The density of some of these fucking people really pisses me off.

    This is why I do NoFap. Guys like that probably watch a lot of porn, and are heavily assimilated (and enjoying) the potential sexual atmosphere of college. Their goal is probably to smash as much as possible throughout college. And then what? Are you going to constantly strive for physical beauty for the rest of your life even when you probably get married? Are you going to continue trying to destroy your own marriage unwittingly by making excuses like "Oh, 9/10 men are like this."? DON'T FUCK AROUND!

    I'm absolutely tired of this bullshit. I hate my powerlessness. I wish I could have shoved this guy into jail for a decade because he deserved it.

    My resolve has been strengthened. These past few days, I've been down in the dumps because I thought that I was having it rough and I should just suicide. I've been very depressed and suicidal lately, just like usual, but this makes me angry. A woman got most her life in complete ruins because of this asshole who probably watches lots of porn, and is absorbed into college rape culture. The fact that I just want to search up fake porn videos like that right now just disgusts me further and makes me even more angry. I hate being bound by stupid shit like this. Fuck being tied down like this. These news show me exactly why I don't want to watch porn. I had lost sight of my goal recently, and I'm not about to give up again. I'm going to keep trying no matter how many times I feel like I'll give up. No matter what, I'm not going to become some idiot whose brain is run on sex and carnal desire, no.
     
  4. Argent Star

    Argent Star Fapstronaut

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    Dear Diary,

    Day 12,

    I am at a lost as to how I have changed in the past year. Health-wise, I have probably gotten much worse (o, curse ye eye floaters that are ever so abundant). However, emotionally, I have gotten far more peaceful than I used to be. I am still an angry young man, but my temper is tempered, so to speak. There is less anger in me. I have less reason to feel negative emotions, though I still feel them quite often. I am more at peace with myself, at last. Perhaps, this fleeting sensation will not stay eternal. Perhaps, I will rise up and become more angry again, but then again, there is a peace in me that tells me that if that is the way things will be for proper reason, then I will be content with it, and accept who I am. As I listen to John Serrie's "Stratos", I am reminded of Switzerland. I am reminded of Zurich. Perhaps, the people there are not as warm as I'd wish them to be, but I wouldn't have it any other way. They wouldn't really be Swiss if they were too warm.

    For what purpose is a human being born? There is no real answer to this, I feel. Are we born to fight and struggle? Are we born to make our mark on this world? Or are we born simply as a result of a night of lust, and temptation? Are we born, just to be born? Take this struggle, for example. Why is it that so many people struggle with this, and so many people don't? To me, I feel as if it is all a genetic factor. Some people have to struggle harder to achieve the same results, while others struggle less and achieve them just as well. In the end, I would like to say that most of us reach the same end goal, no matter how long it takes. Though there is a feeling of specialty, when one reaches the finish line in the sandy, shimmering dunes in the warm, blue-hued twilight dusk of dreams. Standing with that group of fellows, and seeing one's fellow comrades struggling to the same point in the distance, there is a small feeling of satisfaction of being one of the first, if not the first. Then everyone congregates after a time, and we all celebrate.

    I hope that this is the case for all of us. I hope we can meet together having fought and beaten this enemy of mankind, of ambition, of urgency, of aspiration. I hope we can beat this friend of deliberation. Someday, we will set the stones for our children, but we should not count our chickens before they are hatched.

    Let us set the path, and pave the way, for ourselves first. Together, we can do this.
     
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2016
  5. Argent Star

    Argent Star Fapstronaut

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    Dear Diary,

    Day 1,

    This is ground zero, yes. There is rock bottom, and then there is simply feeling like absolute garbage. I just hope I make it out of this week more of a man than I am now. I relapsed at least twice today.

    I'm tired.

    No matter what happens. I won't give up. This road may be paved with tears, blood, sweat, and semen, but I will not falter. I will give my body and soul to fight and overcome this. I may be left with nothing in the end. I may be left with no one. I don't care. I want to be liberated from this madness, and I will always try to keep doing what it takes in-order to break away from it. A lonely path, yes, but a worthwhile one.

    I'm tired.
     
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2016
  6. Argent Star

    Argent Star Fapstronaut

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    Dear Diary,

    Day 1,

    I feel so bad right. Now. Man, oh man, do I feel like a sack of ass. I keep thinking about relapsing. Where is that going to get me? Nowhere. Someone please hold me.
     
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2016
  7. WmReign00

    WmReign00 Fapstronaut

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    You're not going through this alone were here for you. You can and will to this one day at a time.
     
  8. Argent Star

    Argent Star Fapstronaut

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    Dear Diary,

    Day 1,

    @WmReign00, if that were so everything would be splendid, but it's understandably difficult to do so. I hold no one in ill-contempt.

    I beat an urge today. I want to lay in a field of streaming reeds. I want to rest. Lay my weary body down, and let it be. Let the winds flow over my body. Let them soothe my pain. Let the sun shine it's rays on me, and let me bask in its warmth as my body is healed.
     
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2016
  9. Argent Star

    Argent Star Fapstronaut

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    Dear Diary,

    Day Unknown,

    I didn't bother to check my counter today, but that's okay because I'm probably going to relapse. I'm tired. Again. I should probably sleep. I want to die. There have been moments where I contemplate the meaning of my actions. and how futile they are in the end. What worth is one human man to the entire human race? What worth is the human race in an exponentially infinite, and large universe? For what reason were we created, and how were we created? How did life begin? How did everything begin? Something from nothing? I should not contemplate these questions and try to live a life that is fulfilling.

    I see the field that I have visited before. I see it. I feel it. The cool wind rushing past my sweat-matted back. My head feeling slightly buzzed from the 15 or so miles I biked to get to that field. It was all worth it. I have decided. If there is a day when I suicide, it shall be that field. It shall be the field in my dreams come to life. Yes, no. I know where. I will swim to the island in the middle of the lake there. I will take my life among the trees, and nature. I will give myself to the dream, and the fantasy that enveloped me because this life was far too cruel. I blame no one. In fact, that is a lie. I blame my parents, and I blame myself. But other than that, I blame.... only too many people.

    There is naught but peace, and pain. Pain, and peace. Futility to become something in this god-forsaken world for some inane reason known only to the ones that understand the true nature of the universe. Why? Why must we suffer? I am tired. I am old. People would say differently, but I know I am old. I am old of mind, old of body, old of soul. I want peace, and there is nothing around me that speaks of peace except for my bed where I may lie bereft of worries, and drift into restless sleep.

    I see the island now. It is only a short swim. I may leave my bike on the shores of the lake for someone fortunate soul to claim, or for my family to sell. I swim through the rough waters. I imagine them being choppy, slimy, and somewhat unrefined from the fowl that probably releases their feces in it. It doesn't matter. This place does not judge me. It simply calls for me to rest. To lay peace to myself, and my soul. I finally arrive on the shores, wet and cold. I climb to the middle of the small hill on the island, and lay myself down. Yes, here are my imaginary, painless pills for suicide. A small miracle in my turbulent life. The farplane calls to me, or whatever the afterlife is. There is no Yuna. There is no Jecht on the other side. Peace. Good-bye. Farewell.
     
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2016
  10. Stuart115

    Stuart115 Fapstronaut

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    You can't give up, you yourself said that there's a better life for you out there, and that life is meant to be lived. I know it's not easy to quit PMO, I've been trying for about ten years, but you've made it to day 36. That's farther than I've ever gotten. I'm pretty sure there's nothing I can say that you haven't heard before, so I'll just say this: don't give up. Keep fighting even if you have to fight another 10 years.
     
  11. Argent Star

    Argent Star Fapstronaut

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    @Stuart115, thank you. I will never give up, simply because I don't have the will to completely give up. I will never stop fighting for a better future for myself no matter how futile I think it is. Good luck to you, and godspeed.

    Dear Diary,

    Day 1,

    Dear Diary, day one. I am sighing outwardly now as I write this. Time to sleep.
     
  12. Argent Star

    Argent Star Fapstronaut

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    Dear Diary,

    Day 1,

    I wonder why I haven't given up after all this lust, and pain. There is something keeping me going on. I see myself in a field of reeds, the horizon yonder. I'm holding a gun, and I don't care what it is. I just walk towards the horizon with the warm breeze at my back. The path doesn't seem to end. It doesn't seem to end at all. I don't even know if it will end. I can see myself as a soldier fighting a futile battle. I can see myself dying every single time I relapse, and for some damned reason I keep stepping back up from my fallen body. I plod on, and walk on. I don't care. I don't care what anyone thinks because I only care about myself. A life of futility, and fatalism. I don't care. I don't care what anyone thinks. People come, and go. Relationships are forged, and the bonds that are made are made to eventually be broken with the time-span of human lives.

    I still don't give up, and at this point, I don't care. I don't care about what others think of me to a degree so high up that I worry myself. I need to work on myself, and it's true that I need to be a rational being that looks out for others in-case I'm being some subjectively morally wrong. However, I need to stop caring about other peoples' opinions, and being bound by them.

    I walk a fruitless path, braving a fateless winter. No spring to bloom, no flowers to bear. A lone soldier in the freezing cold, a glazed gaze, a sheltered visage.
    People will come, and go, but I... will stay eternal. A fatal victim of my own ideology to fight primal instinct, and come out on top as a master of rationality by embracing the one thing that humans hold dear to themselves: logic.
    I will fail again, and again, but I am constant. Every mistake shall be, a silver flash in my misty past.

    Come. Let us dance, once again, Temptation.
     
  13. Argent Star

    Argent Star Fapstronaut

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    Dear Diary,

    Day 1,

    I really wonder how far I've regressed, and then I think that I've progressed as much as I've regressed, and perhaps even more. I always used to look at my own faults. I give credit to myself when I think that I deserve it, but that is far, and few. At the very least, I can see myself as a human being now. I've stopped biting my nails mostly, and now I've started trying to floss every day, and so far it's working. I'm somewhat motivated to try in school, and from time to time, I find myself talking to a girl somewhat normally.

    I'm in this for my entire life, but the thing is, I need to make something of it. This is going to take a while.

     
  14. Argent Star

    Argent Star Fapstronaut

    56
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    Dear Diary,

    Day 1,

    At this point, I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know what to feel anymore, but I must keep going. I think I'm on the verge of something special. Something that will catapult me into the future. I will never stop believing, no matter how hard it seems. Up until a few days ago near the end of my 24 day streak, I had a plan that I was going to set it motion halfheartedly. I was going to commit suicide at the age of 21 with the legal purchase of a handgun, and some ammunition.

    Life just doesn't really seem like it is worth living for me anymore at the very least because of the fact that my will is so week. No, I am no self-pitying; this is simply acceptance of what is. After years of mental wear, and tear, there is no one I know of that understands me well. Yes, edgy, I know, but it's the truth, and I lack the energy to go find someone to help me.

    Excuses you might say. Excuses they are. All I have to do is put myself out there, and try to find people who will help me.

    Psh. Easier said than done.

    For the first time in my life, I think I am truly depressed. I am actually very depressed. Nothing feels good. I just relapsed, so perhaps this is really just a mood spike which it probably is. But through the past 3 years, I have come to realize that I am a fickle human being. I do not understand a single damn thing about what I am supposed to do in life at all. I simply do not understand anything about life. This is probably just rambling, which I will affirm right now. Yes, I am just rambling.

    However, I think... I will start forcing myself to sleep earlier to have to deal with less of life. I hate life, and I hate dealing with every single damn thing within it. I do not understand why I was born, and I do understand these cards that I have been dealt. True, they have made me stronger, but at what cost? I have no one who understands me. No one who can hold me in my time of need. No one who can give a single fuck when I am in pain that they do not understand a single thing about.

    My parents, I love you both, but you have both wronged me, and I you, though not as severely. I do entirely blame you for the way I am now even though you played a pivotal role in crafting the very creature before your eyes with dimmed life known as your son.

    *Sigh*

    What a load off my chest. Would you like to know how I would kill myself?

    Well, I'll say it anyway because I do not care anymore.

    There's a trail close to where I live: a bike trail. It's very beautiful by my standards. I always feel swept away to some magical medieval kingdom reminiscent of earlier Final Fantasy, and Fire Emblem games. Near the end of it where it ends at another city, there's a wide expanse of reeds. They sway, they blow, they yield, they bend. They are constant, ever-dying in various seasons, and ever-thriving in others. As one peddles on the trail, initially this gold mine of nature is nowhere to be seen, but as soon as one reaches the bend in the trail, and turns left, one's view is filled with this abundance of stark, or lively beauty. The trail leads upwards, and uphill as well. And at the sides, reeds flank the cyclist's view. They are nearly endless, but always so calming, and beautiful.

    Some days, the sky will be wistful, and draft out some stratus clouds for one's melancholy which further enhances the experience that this place is that of a time once had, and now lost. A small clearing near the next bend in the trail features a small oasis of trees, and some benches. Here, I plan to leave a letter to my mother, and perhaps my father if I am done hating him, and my bike with a sticker that reads "FREE" for anyone's joy. Congratulations, you have claimed a soon-to-be dead man's bike. Or perhaps, I shall not place the sticker there, and leave it to my parents to keep.

    As I walk opposite to the way I came on the trail through the clearing, in my sight there will a small island filled with trees, along with a small lake. As I traverse the gentle reeds, there seems to be some sense of unity among them as the wind blows them through, and through. They seem to try, and cling to my body in a desperate bid to stop me from ending my suffering, and my miserable little life. Futile, but comforting. Amusing enough that in my last moments, some of my true friends will, perhaps, seem to be plants.

    I reach the lake's shores... and proceed to swim to the middle of this small island. This small sanctuary. Upon reaching it, I decide to change into another set of warmer clothes, as my body will be resting here in the cold, and I wish to die in some form of comfort. Disabling the safety, and loading the clip, I proceed to reminisce for some time, and wonder if I really want to do this.

    I think back to the thoughts of people who have survived suicide, and how they say that they regret everything in that last instant. I feel that perhaps I shall too. So I take this time to evaluate the journey that has been my life, and I slowly lay down, and bring the gun to my temple.

    Bang.

    Perhaps a few days will run by before my stench is recognizable, but at the very least, my parents will only have to worry a few days, and my friends as well. The haters can laugh. The fans can cry.

    The man will die.

    Simple.

    You know, once in my life, I longed for a maiden to heal me, and to save me from myself.

    Life isn't just fairy tales where a girl comes out of nowhere, and starts taking care of you without knowing you. At least, not for some money.

    I can hear the reeds now. The way they whistle when the wind caresses their tender shafts. Hahaha, perhaps not in that way, friends...

    Some humor in me still, I guess.

    じゃ ね。
     
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2017

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