Hour 0 Dear Diary, I've gotten so used to inconsistency that I am consistent at being inconsistent. I still have lingering thoughts of death sometimes. I strive to be something that, to me, feels impossible, but I know that I can achieve it if I put my mind to it. For the past couple of days, I've been so bitter. I've been telling myself that I can only bring women ruin. And I can only be brought ruin by women. This is, in all it's deceit, a travesty. Nothing but a lie to keep me from evolving, and becoming who I should have been in the first place had I not been introduced to porn inadvertently by my father, and had I not chose to continue going down the path that made my father the way he is now. I would like nothing more than to be nothing like my father and better in all ways. But what does better mean? What is the meaning of "better"? How would I become that, and would it ultimately be for the "better"? I digress. It's high time that I revealed my past. The truth is, I caught my father looking at porn one cold night when I was living in a cottage with my parents. I was going to grab a glass of water by the sink and since my dad was on the computer late at night. I glanced behind my back to look at what he was ogling since the dinner table, subsequently the laptop table, was behind me. I saw porn with my own eyes for the very first time in my life in elementary school. Later during my high school years where I would feel less and less poised to compete and motivate myself, I would catch glimpses of my father's true nature. I caught him with a prostitute two times. This shattered my mind, and in an attempt to break away from the pain, stress, and anger, I would masturbate to pornography. The same material that probably drove my father to the way he is now. In the time span that I took a break from writing, I masturbated again. I wonder how many times it will take until I learn to truly control my primal urges by giving up that which is important to me, but not of real value in my life. I want to die. I want to lie in a field of reeds and simply die. I see no future, only the past, and sometimes, the present. I would like to die peacefully. I would like to die without any regrets. That is right now. I don't understand what it is that I want right now. However, all I want is to lie in a field of reeds one day. I know that very much. I want to lie in a field of reeds and sleep peacefully. Perhaps even die in that very field if it suited me that much. I can't bring myself to smile right now. I find the point of living so horrible that I wish for no more anger, no more sadness, no more pain, nothing. I just want some emptiness. Some peace of mind. I want to have some peace. I want so much, but I don't have the will to work for it. I am weak, feeble, washed-up, kind, tired, lonely, empathetic, sympathetic, funny, lazy, skilled, sagely, stubborn, arrogant, haughty, loving, awkward, wimpy, scared, of average build, slowly growing fatter, and so much more that I could dig into right now. I wonder why I was born. I wonder why I am this soul tied to this body tied to this personality tied to these surroundings. I wonder why I am the way I am. I want to go back to innocence, but innocence doesn't mean wisdom, and I need wisdom. I will try again. I will keep trying. I am nineteen years old. I am in college. I will try until the day I die. I will always seek to be a better man in my own eyes, and not for anyone else's eyes. I will try to walk as straight and honest a path I can. I want a path that brings honor, not glory. Knowledge of the fact that I did good deeds, yet not having the world know about what I did. Not for fame and fortune, but for honor and wisdom. To be wise among my peers and be wiser than my years. To have honor. To have... love. Love is something I crave, it is something I feel. It is something I want to give and receive. It is something I want to create and foster. That path may be not for me. I want to become a Navy SEAL. Navy SEALs don't make so much money. They don't get so much happiness, but what I want out of that job is self-satisfaction. I want to bring honor to myself. No one else but me. There may be times when I am led into questionable actions by my government, and the US is not the best government there is out there I feel. However, I will never know unless I try. First, I will get stronger, then I will pay off my parents' mortgage if I can. If not, I will dive in headfirst into BUD/S if I can. I may have to kill, and I may have to die. But I will die knowing that I was doing something instead of the crap that I'm doing in this time. I'll be damned if I don't know how to handle a gun later in life. I'll be damned if I don't know CQB basics and how to defend myself. I might have camaraderie, but that is all naught if I am going through a path that makes some significance to me in life. I may become a scientist, but I may become a soldier. Right now, I am a soldier. Fighting against an enemy I don't believe I can win in my state of mind. I am a soldier who dies every once in a while. Then he reanimates himself and keeps pushing forward, keeps slaying more, keeps sustaining more injuries, and all for a cause he believes in. A righteous cause. He is embittered, and he is young. There is much hatred on his mind, and much bitterness, but underneath that lies an interior kept cold by his demeanor. An interior that has the capability to illuminate thousands of souls and make them happy. However, the time is not right for him, and there may never be such a time. The boy feels as if he will die permanently every time he goes into the cold embrace of death, but there is no such thing as luck to this boy in these circumstances. His rifle is well-worn. His hands are heavily callused. His mind is struck with fear, pain, anger, sadness, hatred, vengeance, revenge, and so many more things. But he doesn't cry as long as he can help it, and keeps trudging on. Enemies littering the field of reeds that he walks on. The reeds seem to encompass a closed area in a rectangular shape with the widths hidden out sight. The boy started at one width and he seeks another, and he doesn't know if he can reach it, but he will keep moving. Never losing hope, never giving up on the future that he may have. Even if it's only a small chance of happiness, he will keep moving. This is who I am. Though real life is much more different. This is who I am when I imagine myself. Real life is not so unhappy, but the moments where I die a little inside each time, are the moments that I feel like real life is just a mirror of this field of reeds and its obstacles. I live to die, and I live again to die again. One day, I will live far longer than my other lives, but today that is not meant to be, so I must keep moving forward and try not to die. Simple.