A sayonara to sexuality

First of all, I have no clue what retention, sexual transmutation or any of this means, I didn't look any of that up. I'm a 22 years old guy, I'm not religious, but I believe my life should be lived by acting out what I believe in.

I've always had an idea in mind, ever since I was a kid, and I always knew deep down that this is the way I would do things. I would have one person in my life, no more. So I have been careful to find the one, the real right one, so that we would stay together forever. And I had many opportunities in my adolescenthood to have a partner, but I always refused if they were not searching for something serious, and after a while I found my partner.
About a month ago we parted ways, after knowing each other for nine years. And for no good reason either, we were a happy couple, but the perspective of a life together since youth is so violently repressed within our horrendous culture that she became an idiot and started fearing lifelong happiness (her words, not mine).

A day after we went our own ways, I decided that I would put an end to sexual activity, as I believe is the right thing for me to do. I will keep bettering myself and I won't stop myself from trying to be attractive and charismatic, because it has many benefits and powerful argumentative value. But would the perfect woman come along for me, I would be closed and unavailable.

After a few weeks now, I'm starting to feel conflicts growing inside, the sexual part of me is deeply concerned and tries to fight back. It doesn't want to be useless, the continuation of the species must be assured and yadi yada.
But other than internal conflicts, I started feeling love for more and more people. By love I mean, non-sexual love, actual care for my fellow human, woman and man alike on a level playing ground. I feel like It's something I could get used to, but there's a cerberus inside me, trying to pounce its way out, and its heads are Lust, Love and Loneliness.

My desire is now to part ways with sexuality itself, whether it be sex, masturbation, pornography, flirt, arousal and any of those things overall. I want to achieve this, but I have to tame my beasts first. I had a hard time today, my beasts are well spoken and quite argumentative when it comes to "the meaning of all this". But somehow I still know, deep down, that I'm doing what I must. I believe in Love, hence my choices.

I don't know why I'm posting this, the day has been rough, I guess I'm just ranting. Is that what we would call ranting ? I don't know.
Hope you people are having a wonderful day and your lives are going great, best of luck to you all and keep drinking water, much love.

 

We were not, we were too young for marriage. These things are costly and time consumming when you don't have a pay and have to study, but we probably would have been if the situation allowed it.

 

Don't worry comrade, no need to be stepping on eggshells, I appreciate your inputs, thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Here's the thing : I commited to this idea even before my relationship started, and I had already denied myself several partners by this point. To me, formal commitment happens when you accept the person as your partner, no more, and no less, so by the second I decided to accept her as a partner, that is when it became formal. Hell, she had to wait 4 whole years as a close friend before we actually became a couple, and all the while I knew her desires and saw that it was unflinching over this time, and got to know her through and through. Marriage is a social formalisation, but the true formal shift happens within.

But here again, my choices are not made by commitment to the relationship. The relationship is over, it does not exists anymore. The commitment is to the idea and the principle of Love as a concept.
Having one shot removes relativity from the equation, either you make it work or you don't. It gets easy to say that there are many fishes in the sea, and that love will find a way through trial and error. Yet, this is not what I believe in, because as convenient and comfortable as these ideas are, I believe that love does not reside in them, I absolutely do not see it. More than that, I have a deep intuition not only that love is in fact exclusive, but that exclusivity is a paramount characteristic of Love.
And if this is what I believe in, then it must be what I live by, because ideas without meaning and embodiment are not worth more than a hand full of sand. If my desire is Love, and that I don't believe having a new relationship would be Love, then I don't truly desire a new relationship, and the desire it would generate would probably be out of lust, loneliness, passion and self deceit.

Therefore, now that my relationship ended, long as it has been, finding another partner would be lying to myself and going against my ideas. Still, I believe that ideas can change and evolve, and if I find myself to be wrong, I might change. But I do not want to act by means of comfort, conveniency or desire, but by principles. I wish to be receptive to convincement but not charm, thought but not desire.

As a kid, I never understood the idea of Hara Kiri, but as I grew up I started to get it. That's probably an acceptable analogy for this situation, because of how strange it seems.

But again, I didn't even know about the whole transmutation thing, I still didn't look it up. Those things were decided long before the NoFap community probably even existed, and I just felt the need to express them somewhere because it gets lonely otherwise, here seemed to be the right place.
I'll probably have a look at what this is about when I have the time, but these things probably aren't related to what I'm doing. Or maybe they are, I have no clue yet, haha.

Thanks again for taking the time you took to write your message and not be too concerned by upsetting, it shouldn't get in the way of conversation, and I personally found it pleasant. I rarely get to write those things down, if ever, so putting them on sentences also puts them a little more in order within mind.