A relationship is NOT a cure for everything.

WARNING: rant is ranty.


I feel like most people in this day and age are striving for a monogamous relationship (possibly marriage) to death do us part and the whole shabang. I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with being monogamous or in a relationship (sexual and/or romantically exclusive), as long as it's a conscious decision. But I am wondering how often it is actually a conscious, thought-out choice rather than blindly following a societal or cultural expectation, or being pressured into this, since being in a romantic relationship is often marketed as the ultimate goal in life. I say bullshit.

I think it is a dangerous “trend”, as not everyone is interested in or being wired to be in romantic or sexual relationships (aromantics and/or asexuals, for example), and not everyone is wired for monogamy and I also think it's harmful to put romantic and/or sexual relations on a hierarchical pedestal above other relationships (friendships, family, kids, whatever else); that one is supposed to put a romantic partner above everything and everyone else, including yourself. Has anyone ever stopped to ask why this is a prescribed requirement? Why do you have to put a romantic partner / relationship above any other relations in your life? Why does it have to be monogamous? Why is every other relational constellation and singlehood shamed, mocked or not taken seriously?

Advocating this “one size fits all” fallacy, that a romantic relationship is something EVERYONE should strive for to attain (eternal) happiness, creates a sense of failure and unnecessary loneliness in those who are without romantic / sexual relations. Some people are even shamed for not being in a romantic / sexual relation or shamed for not desiring to be in one, or not making it a primary life goal. This is deeply concerning to me. I see so many people on this site writing about their loneliness, believing their struggles in life will magically be cured if they find a romantic (and/or sexual) relationship, spending countless hours draining themselves from serial dating, trying to find that special person who is going to save them from themselves, which is, IMO, not possible. I think it's borderline insane putting your happiness and quality of life in the hands of someone else. It's irresponsible, unfair and is not going to help you love yourself or take ownership of your own life and emotional wellbeing.

Take ownership of your life. Work on loving yourself before you demand others to love you. Don't buy into the nonsense notion that someone else has to come flying from the heaven and alleviate your pain. Don't expect other people to love you, if you don't love yourself. It's like cooking a shitty meal and demanding others to love the taste. It makes no sense. Become your own best friend and understand that everything you need to truly enjoy your existence, is completely your own responsibility and within your own power. THEN also surround yourself with inspiring people and do your best to improve your own life. THEN you can start thinking about relationships (which probably won't be that interesting to you, once you already love yourself – the more you love yourself, the less you need others to love you) as an added bonus enhancement of your life. A relationship should ADD to your life. Not BE your life.

Love came abundantly into my existence once I stopped giving a f*ck about leeching it from others. I became my own best friend, cultivated immense self-love and attracted other people who has also found wholeness within themselves. Contrary to popular belief, two halves do not make a whole – they make codependency. But two wholes coming together make f*cking magic, my friends – they make interdependency, independency and/or total freedom.


But I digress! Back to the questioning of unconscious monogamy!


Many people seem to be serial monogamists, where they enter one monogamous relationship after another. Breaking up and parting ways after a while, before pursuing a new monogamous situation. It is also my impression that many people in their monogamous relationship EXPECT the escalator-model by default (→ dating → exclusivity → marriage / shared life (finances, cohabitation, etc) → kids → to death do us part), without actually communicating with one another if that is what both parties desire. It is often ASSUMED without discussion that this is the natural progression a relationship should have or aspire to, and if the relationship doesn't, it means it has to end or cannot be anything other and a friendship or even invalid. Relationships which do not follow this model or somehow end before the death do us part thing, are often considered to be 'failed', shamed or waste of time – which I, by the way, find utterly ridicules.

I don't think a relationship has failed once it ends or transforms into another type of relation. Hopefully people learn a lot from their relationships, whether romantic or whatever. Besides, all the good times, growth and so on are not wasted time. They are worth A LOT!

As said, I do wonder how many people actually think about WHY they enter a monogamous situation or just romantic relationships in general. Do you really want to and why? Are you expected to? Do you believe there are no other options or meanings to life? I'm sure there are many different reasons.

I used to feel depressed about being single for most of my life and dreaming about the perfect (monogamous) relationship which would save me and make my life supreme, because that's the norm and to be expected. But at the same time when I was in a (monogamous) relationship with the notion of forever and ever, I felt sad and trapped. I did not know there were any other options and I believed all the Hollyweird movies; that the ultimate goal in life is hierarchical romantic relation, which is not true. Many of us live in privileged societies where we are free to design our own life and relationships (or lack thereof) and no matter what you choose, don't feel guilty, shamed, wrong. But we could all do with a little more (self)awareness and questioning of why we do the things we do.




Disclaimer: I am not bashing monogamy or romance. I am, however, expressing concern about the borderline brainwashing of romance being the cure for EVERYTHING or to be striven for by EVERYONE.




Thoughts?

 

@Headspace

Thank you so much for your response and reflection!

Yes, it definitely makes sense stating where monogamy comes from, and it makes perfect sense it served a specific purpose when it came to a certain family and property setup. It's cultural, tradition and religious for some and it is normative, especially in the Western world. I see nothing inherently wrong with that, but I don't agree with the way it is still being pushed on most people as the "correct way to live romantic life". I do not think forced monogamy makes sense in this day and age. If you choose it consciously and it is the healthiest relational setup for you, then all the power to you. Nothing wrong with that. But to the rest who are not wired for monogamy or wired for romantic / sexual relationships at all, it should not be forced and I don't believe people should be shunned, shamed or made out to be weird if they have found their personal truth elsewhere. That's my point.

Monogamy, open-relationships or polyamory are not the only relational options out there. It is not "monogamy vs promiscuity". It is not just a matter of wanting to have sex with multiple people or just one person. An asexual person can be monogamous or polyamorous, but since they are asexual, they don't have an interest in sex. For them it has nothing to do with sex, but perhaps they are in a loving relationship with someone who is sexual, and for that person to get their sexual needs met without crossing the boundaries of the asexual, the best solution could be for the sexual partner to get their sexual needs met outside of the relationship. But does that make the asexual and sexual person's relationships any less valid? No, I don't think so.

An open relationship can still be sexually exclusive, but perhaps emotionally involve several people. You can be polyamorous in an emotional sense, but sexually monogamous. You can be sexually poly, but emotionally exclusive. Then there is the question of autonomy. Not everyone is interested in sharing everything with their partner(s), such as cohabitation, finances, kids, property, all the hours in a day, mingling with families, or following the escalator-model, being together forever, marriage, etc. Lots of things which have nothing to do with sex. Luckily, there are so many ways you can structure relationships.

I have also come to think it is unfair labeling all non-monogamous people as being afraid of commitment. Commitment to what, exactly? The relationship structure or the person? Again, we can use the asexual and the sexual person as an example, as being very committed to what they have, but also making sure both essential needs are met in the best way possible to ensure their relationship to each other is the healthiest it can be for them specifically. I have considered myself monogamous my entire life, although I have never felt comfortable in a monogamous relationship, as I look back. For me it has nothing to do with sex with several people, as I am only interested in sex with people I am emotionally connected to (demi-sexual), - which is so far just one person at a time or rare anyway for me. But I am not comfortable with many of the prescribed expectations in a monogamous relationship (escalator model, decreasing of autonomy, having to make each other the center of our universe, promises of forever (I don't know how I feel in a year or five or ten?!), ownership of my time, whereabouts, who I am hanging out with, how I communicate with other men and male friends, neglecting of other relationships for the sake of my romantic partner, etc.) It has nothing to do with me fearing committing to someone I love. I have no problem with that as long as we are compatible, but I don't want to commit to a lifestyle which simply does not resonate with me. Am I making sense? It has nothing to do with me being emotionally immature or not grown up enough, or wanting to have sex with loads of people or whatever else people assume.

The fear of making a bad decision for one self should not be labeled as having a faulty character, or being emotionally immature, as people often tend to. I often hear the "oh, you just haven't found THE ONE yet. Once you do, you will definitely want to be monogamous, have kids, settle down, make them your whole world forever!" which simply is not the case for a lot of people. What about the people who have had several great loves throughout their life? What about the people who are not interested in raising kids? Or people who value their autonomy or only wish to be together every once in a while because they have other things going as well, and they're fine with that? Or the people who enjoy other relational constellations? Is their love any less valid than the love in a monogamous relationship? Is their mutually decided commitment to however their relationship looks like, any less of a commitment than a traditional monogamous couple's commitment to their constellation? I don't think so. And is being a serial monogamist really any "better or worse" than someone who dates around without labels and titles? No. My problem is when monogamy is forced on everyone and/or is being put on a hierarchical pedestal as the ultimate and right way to romantically relate for everyone.

Regarding time to have many relationships, it entirely depends on the people involved and how you define your relationship(s) and how much time you invest in it/them. Not all relationships require the same amount of attention and time. People are different and relationships are different. If you see a relationship as something you have to be in 24/7, 365 days a year, then yeah, it would be difficult having more of them if you want to give all involved the same time and investment, and you're not all living together. But it works fine for a lot of people who are not interested in hanging out with their partner(s) all the time, which brings me back to the whole question of why it is we are prompted to spend all our waking hours with our romantic partner(s). I have a good amount of friends, and I am not seeing them everyday. There is no need for that, but seeing each other once in a while does not take anything away from the love in our friendship. It's the same with my current romantic partner, and it suits us both just perfectly, and does not make our love for each other less valid. In fact, I am confident it nourishes our relationship as we have time to do whatever else we set out to do in life (work, hobbies, friends, whatever) and have time to miss each other, so every time we see each other it's awesome. But I digress.

Multiple partners work fine for many other people. And sure there can be drama just as within monogamy, but it still does not make whatever other people do, any less valid than monogamy. Drama and so forth is more about the people and not the constellation. I personally am not looking for more romantic relationships, yet I don't classify myself as monogamous, non-monogamous, poly or whatever. If anything, I am relationship anarchistic, meaning it is up to me an whoever else I relate to, to decide how we want to do things consciously. That may or may not express itself monogamously, non-monogamously or whatever. Point is, it's a conscious mutual decision and not prescribed or assumed.

 

@tweeby

Thank you! Glad you stopped by to add your thoughts.

I agree. It's so annoying when you're at family functions or whatever, and people question why you don't have someone with you. I also agree with @elevate, that I think people feel threatened if you're not doing the same as them. Probably because it's culturally assumed that something is wrong with you, if you're not in a romantic relationship or if you're not actively looking for one. I don't think people are asking to be annoying or hurtful, though. I don't think they consciously even know why they (we as a species) feel threatened by unconventionality.

When I first started dating my current partner (we've known each other peripherally for a few years prior), we agreed for it to be casual / open / non-titled dating to see where it goes as he had just come out of an emotionally abusive (both ways) relationship, and everyone I talked to (except maybe one or two people in my life) could not wrap their head around what we were doing (hanging out a lot, showing up together as a couple, but no sex as I was still abstinent), and kept asking and pressuring me to put a label on it. "Are you friends? Are you lovers?! But you don't have sex?! WHAT ARE YOU?!!" Invalidating what we're doing because we are not Facebook official, so to speak. Saying I (presumably because I am the woman) was probably being used for sex, although we did not have sex until far into the relation. They still question it 8 months later or refer to him as my boyfriend without my consent, and it's so interesting seeing how uncomfortable our relation is making them, while him and I are just breezing along in probably the most healthy, transparent, drama free and honest relationship both of us have had in many years. :')

@elevate

Thanks for your responses! Yes, it's a dangerous belief, blindly believing you need whatever everyone else tells you, you need. And it is difficult finding out there are other options or ways of living, if you don't know or don't know where to look (thank goodness for the internet, haha!). Hopefully people are more susceptible to question their existence nowadays, and able to find community or other people who can help out.

I don't blame monogamy in and of itself for anything. Just the unconscious force of it on everyone.

But what is a healthy child? One who is just raised by mom and dad? Throughout history it has been quite normal for other people to take care of children (nurse maids, other family / tribe members, institutions such as kindergardens, etc). Children of divorce are also very common these days, and most turn out just fine, even though they grow up with several mixed families, and possibly two moms and two dads or more, depending on how many times their parents divorced.


@TheManDude - I have not seen the video or the guy you refer to, but interesting perspective. But I don't believe that's the case. If everyone is free to see whoever they want, and not "owned" in a polygamist marriage by one male, then there'd be more than enough people to go around for everyone, so to speak.

And of course there are people who spend their entire life together (such as my grandparents from age 14 and 16 until death in their 80's). Some people spend their entire life committed to someone or a relationship which is toxic, abusive or unhappy. Others have had shorter relations which were happy, amazing and loving. So I don't think a life long commitment is a default massure of relational success.


@SensualLettuce - thank you for the compliment and your thoughts on the subject. At fear of repeating myself too much, I agree. Different strokes for different folks and I am not against or particular for any one relational structure over another, as long as it's a conscious, consensual choice of everyone involved.