A question for PA, what do you do to help your SO

Well done, mate! If anything will help him hit rock bottom, it'll be consequences. I had to do the same thing and it's the only thing that made him put some real action in. He knew he had PIED but thought that was just the way it was. He can't help watching porn cos he's a man. They do talk some shite. I told him he doesn't speak for 3.5 billion people on the planet. That some men don't watch porn (they're happy with their wives) and plenty of women do. So it's not gender specific and it's not needed like oxygen or water. I don't have much respect for that victim talk - it absolves them of any accountability.
And remember, if you're on a separation, you can date again now. Nothing heavy but if you have dates with a different man, one who's a bit more of a "man" that gives you the attention, instead of the poor, paid cows that took a wrong turn in life, it makes us realise there's more out there and we don't have to tolerate this.
And don't feel bad about it, babe. He's already gone outside your relationship (I assume you were faithful to him) to get his own sexual needs met. You're definitely allowed to do the same now you're single. In fact, it might help you realise you're worth which your PA invalidated.
Keep us updated X

 

With the utmost die respect, Ghostie, and I say this from a SO you've helped save the relationship of, I disagree.

I've had the impact and damage that Shellz has experienced and I don't think she should put her life on hold so he doesn't go further into his addiction. That's not her problem. If my PA had done this, after I'd moved out, it would've reinforced my idea that it was the right move and that he wasn't doing it for himself anyway.

Also, did I miss the bit where Shellz said he's in recovery? Real PIED recovery - not just a "therapist"?

As you know, I am a hopeless drunk. If my man had left me during my active drinking and my drinking got worse because he wasn't "supporting me", that's not his problem. He'd already cared for me after my stomach ulcer burst and I had emergency op. After release, he spent 2 weeks personal care for me. That didn't stop me. I put him through police stations, court, more hospitalisations and 2 x driving bans. That didn't stop me. I would say loving, kind things to him and be in blackout (so it meant nothing really). That didn't stop me. He watched me throw up blood. All in the short space of two years. If he'd have left, I couldn't have blamed him. Yes, maybe I'd have drank myself to death but why should he hurt because of my denial. Plus, I got the stomach ulcers, driving bans, hangovers etc. Not him. When PAs act out, us SOs internalise that. You use different women which tells us we are not good enough. A direct hit to self esteem that would continue after we leave. Why the hell should we hang around when they're still cheating on us?

Rather than her ex thinking, "She doesn't give a fuck...", perhaps the cunt (her word) should think, "Maybe this had something to do with my wanking over transgendered people..."

Shellz thread describes it as "toxic" and that she was "suffocating". She didn't say she wanted to reconcile but I do think she still needs to heal.

Finally, she doesn't have to tell anyone she's dating, certainly not an ex. That's her business, she's already been through hell because of his lies and infidelity. How much longer do you think she should wait if he's not putting the effort in? A month? A week? Another year?

BTW, Shellz. If your PA (ex-PA) does decide to use NoFap, @GhostWriter is an amazing mentor for the PAs. I just don't agree with him on this one thing.

We SOs have been crushed by lies and perversity that we didn't ask for. If one decides to walk away because she can't heal with him, then surely she can't be blamed.

We didn't ask for this hell Ghostie, most of us SOs have put up with this emotional (and some sexual) trauma for long enough.

Peace out all X