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A question for PA, what do you do to help your SO

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Shellz, Apr 7, 2018.

  1. Shellz

    Shellz Fapstronaut

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    WARNING
    Be prepared for a novel.

    I met my SO on a dating site 14 years ago. We became good friends. He lived quite far away from me so we couldnt meet in person. He moved back where he was closer and eventually came round. We had coffee and chatted and he had kinda led me to believe he was into me. He leaves probably an hour later, then texts within 10 minutes saying how gorgeous I am, but he's living with someone. I'm like seriously? What a cunt. And deleted his number from my phone. I thought I had a lucky escape from someone who was potentially a cheater.

    Fast forward a few more months he rings again, I've met someone else, I dont know if he'd left the other woman or not but told him I was in a relationship. Shit didnt work out, I got pregnant to an alcoholic and didnt want a baby so abortion was my option after weighing it up for 10 weeks, this is when I got back in contact with my SO. He helped me through one of the most difficult choices I had to make. He supported me fully.

    After that we had random contact, he kept saying he was coming to visit but would always cancel. So this day I say if you dont come over this time, just fuck off altogether. He turned up. And that was the beginning.

    He drank alot, and one night early on he was a real arsehole, singing a song with his guitar calling me a "pornagraphic whore" the sex that night was rough and awful and I was sober. I saw the ugly side of him. The next morning I really wanted him gone, he apologised and talked his way out of it and said "sometimes my arsehole side comes out". I let him stay.

    Fast forward moved in together. All my relationships had been with guys that always wanted sex. I truley was tired of it. But with my SO he was different! I thought great! Finally someone that doesnt want to fuck me all the fucking time YAY!
    BUT.......it soon became apparent after a month of no sex and him coming to bed after I was asleep or just literally rolling over and saying goodnight, that something wasnt right.

    I now look back and realise he wasnt actually up gaming all the time, he would've been watching porn as well, hence no sex. He said he just had a low sex drive. So I sadly accepted that this was how things were going to be. BUT I LOVED HIM. So I sacrified a healthy sex life and lived a fairly sexless relationship.

    We got married, we had a child together, we had a son each from previous relationships and apart from the lack of sex I thought things were ok. They werent. He built a little den out in the garage and he spent every night out there. Now I know he was watching porn, talking to women and was supposed to be studying.
    By this time I had given up on the sex side of things. Thats when he went to a hooker, so I found out about 8 weeks ago.

    I had no idea, I never thought he would cheat on me, we were a team. He played in bands so would be out while I stayed home with the kids. We moved towns, we worked together. One day my 12 yr old son and I went to our studio to see SO, he didnt hear us and he was infront of the computer masturbating. I was shocked, my son started crying. He said "Mum why is he doing that? He doesnt love you!!!" It was fucking disturbing. SO promised to stop doing it. He never did. I found porn sites in the history on MY tablet! I was livid. Thats when shit started getting bad. He then hired transwoman hookers (I only found out 8 weeks ago) The porn usage was alot. We didnt have sex, that was dead and buried.

    Fast forward we move again. I decide fuck this shit, I actually want a sex life. I tried really hard. But of course looking back he was still staying up late and coming to bed once I was asleep. History was deleted from the computer, random conversations with women.
    Then one day my gut instinct kicks in, what the fuck is he up to? Turns out hes on a dating site, went to another hooker, also having an emotional affair. Im devastated. He lies and tells me Im crazy. Tells me I've lost it. I wont let it go, I keep at him, until he admits it. I give him the opportunity to tell the full truth.....no he gives me half truths. I kick him out.

    Then of course we get back together. My trust is gone completely, he has no remorse I have to work this shit out on my own. I go to therapy bc I'm not allowed to talk about it with him. 3 years it took to trust him again.
    We renew our wedding vows, he says he'll never hurt me again ever. 1 year later BOOM another emotional affair ongoing for 6 months. Constant porn use, Im trying really fucking hard to work out whats happening. Im instigating sex, Im trying to keep us close but I know hes up to shit. I keep confronting him, he keeps lying. I know he has someone, hes being a real unpredictable arsehole.
    He comes clean eventually, but just a little bit. I get the girls name, she knows me, she knows hes married. I got all the details from her. He lied and said it was 6 weeks, hadnt spoken in ages. It was 6 months and he ended it the day before he told me. He had sent videos of himself masturbating to her. I was crushed.
    I then dug deeper bc I knew it wasnt all.
    Then came all the transwoman porn, dating sites etc. It was sickening. Then came the bombshell of the hookers a few months later, transwoman hookers. I was back to square one again.
    After I found out about the affair I packed my shit and left. I needed time to figure out what the fuck I was going to do. He had used facebook for years, contacting women and this was how he lured them in. So I came back with some terms. No facebook, that had to go, no lock on his phone, access to everything. He suggested an app to make me feel more secure. So I found one. But now he's resentful even though HE suggested it.
    Now lets address the porn issue. And thats actually not even my issue. Its the lying about it. I told him if you want to watch transwomen just tell me, dont hide it. I fucking encouraged him to put it on and we watch it together. I did shit in the bedroom I've never done. Pretty soon shit got out of control. It became more and more hardcore. I then realised I had joined him in his addiction, I was no longer getting pleasure it was all about meeting HIS needs.

    I told him we are watching too much porn. He agreed. But it didnt stop. I had trouble getting off and I started to get concerned. Shit was not healthy at all.
    Then Easter comes....yep the one just gone. He comes home from a whole day of driving out of town. Hes tired....but hes also a cunt. Now when he's a cunt hes up to shit. I ask for his phone. I go straight to incognito and theres the search for transwoman hookers. He was looking them up while driving.

    I lose my shit. How the fuck is THIS REBUILDING TRUST??? I say you couldve just looked come home and said "I fucked up" but no. He chose to go incognito and look for them.

    So when the fuck is enough enough? I have taught my kids theres consequences for actions, yet Ive never done that to him. If I continue to let him lie and cheat it will never end.
    His words mean nothing, but his actions are screaming at me to just be done. He has quit alcohol, quit smoking, I know he is capable of change.....but when is enough enough?
    I ask why? He has no answer apart from "its entertwined into the fabric of his being" WHAT THE FUCK?

    You see, I see it very differently. Yes it may be an addiction, but this addiction has ruined all our lives. But the lies are seriously worse than the porn.

    Any thoughts or advice welcome
     
  2. Shellz

    Shellz Fapstronaut

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    Anyway......I havent finished my long arse novel, I had to go out.
    So I ask him have you been watching porn, he says "No you are enough for me, what we're doing is great!" He lied. Of course he was watching porn. Why fucking lie when I have said if you want to, do it, but tell me, its the sneaking I cant stand. He tells me "You are enough for me" well fucking obviously not!
    He nearly had me convinced that looking up transwoman hookers while out of town in incognito was OK......until I went and had a shower and went WTF!!! NO IT'S NOT FUCKING OK.
    I hate that I've become the master at detecting bullshit and a master at fucking finding anything hidden. It should not be that way.
    So I ask those of you trying to win your SO trust back.....what do you do?
    He said he would show me, actions speak louder than words right? He's shown me he can talk about shit, he's shown me he cant be trusted.
    He said give him till April to prove to me he can change. He's proven he will still give in to his urges and hide them from me even when Ive said its ok.
    He says he loves me. But does he? Do you do this to those you love again and again?
    I dont want pity and I dont want sympathy, I want to make sense of this fucking mess. I dont understand it. Now if you dont understand something....how can you move forward? You cant because you keep trying to make sense of it.

    I know I'm not the problem, I dont blame myself. I'm ok with myself. I'm looking after myself, but I have asked that he leave for a period of time. I need a break from the hurt and the anger, looking at him I just think how the fuck could you do all this. It's raw again, it started healing then he does dumb fucking shit and it was the straw that broke the camels back.

    If I cant trust him we have nothing. I wanted to grow old with him, I love him with all my heart, but I cannot be stomped on any longer.
     
  3. Shellz

    Shellz Fapstronaut

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    @GhostWriter thanks for taking the time to read my novel. And I completely agree with you. I appreciate directness as I dont like fluffy rubbish and like cold hard facts. I have most certainly enabled his behaviour, but I will also add I did try to stop it. What I thought was being supportive was the exact opposite.
    Apologies for the swearyness lol thats my anger coming out. Whilst I saw bad behaviour in the beginning I didnt know about the porn at all, I can only look back now in reflection and see it in the cold light of day.

    Now I've had therapy both times, they suggested I leave of course, it's the sane thing to do.
    Over the last few days I've really looked and searched hard at things. This needs to end. He is getting help but has only just disclosed this side of things.
    I would like to add I only found out about the hookers 8 weeks ago, so it's still very fresh. Things have been drip fed to me over a period of time. So we know how that goes, back to square one.
    I'm taking care of myself.

    And look at that ......no swearing....lol
     
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  4. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    I read it, and yes, here in my signature is a link of resources I've collected, I hope they help you and your husband!
     
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  5. Shellz

    Shellz Fapstronaut

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    Thats seriously one of the problems, I've searched and searched for a good therapist. I'm a very strong individual and I need to be asked the hard questions, the ones that I go away with and have to think about. The ones that get to the core and challenge me. I went to pyschotherapy for nearly a year to sort other shit out before I met him. Well well before I met him. Im in NZ and really good therapist's that are straight to the point are proving difficult.
    I've just had a shower and had a good think about everything you wrote and I need to take accoubtability for myself.
     
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  6. I've been in a long term relationship with an addict, and it's a special kind of hell. Lying and secrets seem to go with that territory. She also has a serious personality disorder (diagnosed) so that situation became impossible. I ended up having to leave that relationship because there was a child involved whom I had to protect.

    Your husband is (probably) an addict. If so, the fact that it's sexual confuses it with the relationship. In some ways it would be easier if it was a substance. From your story, yes I read all of it, he needs help outside your relationship, from a therapist. Someone who's going to set out a practical plan/path for him to follow. Preferably something that will provide you with evidence of progress.

    While he's constantly relapsing and lying, and especially if he's sometimes trying to convince you it's not a problem, then he's probably not going to change. He's got to admit he has a serious problem. He has to commit to changing. You have to see evidence of progress.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 7, 2018
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  7. Just me

    Just me Fapstronaut

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    Honestly, if he doesn't see the problem, it will not getting better. If it were me, I'd be done. Of course each person has their own threshold before they break, but I couldn't handle the constant deception without any effort for change.
     
    Shellz likes this.
  8. Shellz

    Shellz Fapstronaut

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    I'm close to Tauranga and Hamilton. Yes I lived in Queenstown for a while.
     
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  9. Shellz

    Shellz Fapstronaut

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    Yes I totally agree. He is seeing a therapist, and has come home today and said it all stops right here right now. I am happy to continue life without him and he knows I am completely done now. Theres no more chances, he is still leaving next week for an undetermined amount of time
     
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  10. Hey Shellz!
    Welcome to the forum, hopefully you'll find some comfort in not being alone.

    Wow. That's some story. Personally, I totally identify with your anger and the swearing. I'm going to have a cheeky guess you're in North England, UK, right? Me too. We use the word Cunt like we use the word Table - hehe. Don't ever change X

    The short version of my story is: I'm currently in the process of leaving my PA. I put a deposit down tomorrow at 9am, on a vacant rental property. I made this decision after 3 months of being on NoFap and looking at my PAs behaviour and recovery. For our whole 3 year relationship, he's gone outside of it to get sexual gratification. Also, I'm leaving because I can't accept certain things you've also mentioned:
    1) the staggered disclosure. On our DDay in January, I told him to tell me everything. If he wanted me to stay, he had to. All of it. So I could understand and grasp the magnitude of what I had to accept and come to terms with. He promised he had. That I already knew everything. Since then, 7 more significant, sexually deviant things have come out. Each one another punch in the stomach. Each one costing that bit more trust. That's the thing with liars, the trust goes. And remember the saying, "For every rat you see, there's 10 you don't.." That 7 was probably more like 70. Only 7 were caught.
    2)The excuses, the minimising of their fucking kinky shit. I can't bear it. I didn't know the things they made for a man's dick. I do now.
    3)Their lack of recovery. My PA was told in January, I'm 50/50 for leaving you. He stopped PMO (he said) and thought that was enough. Whenever I questioned him or told him how I felt, he just said "sorry" and stayed out of the way. He knew one week ago that I'd started looking at properties. One of the members here, a kind recovering PA, has been trying to help us both. He sent my PA access to a PA recovery book (a short one) and suggested he read it NOW. Especially as there's one tea time and one night left to save this. It's nearly 3pm and he's fucked off to the gym. This is because....
    4)He buries his head in the sand. He's always done it. Ever since he was a kid and had a traumatic childhood in and out of hospitals, physio etc. He doesn't face problems and he's lost out on many important relationships and opportunities because of it. He feels it afterwards. Always afterwards, when it's too late.

    If you decide to stay, my friend, protect your heart and love. You know you can't trust him. Looking back at your story, I can't see a part where he was ever trustworthy.

    Also, if he's happy to cheat on you, how would he feel if you offered an open relationship? That way, you wouldn't spend anymore years missing out. You could start dating and then, maybe, meet a man who would be happy to be faithful..to you only. One that would be horrified to treat his partner like that.

    I don't know, I'm quite bitter at the mo. Maybe your PA will join NoFap, realise what an arse he's always been and then make it up to you.
    Maybe he'll recover and look to amend all the traumas he's bestowed upon you for all these years.

    Personally, my biggest fear is re-reading my posts in exactly one year's time and thinking, wow, nothing's changed.

    Love n light to you X
     
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  11. SaltedPeter

    SaltedPeter Fapstronaut

    To answer the heading, you can't help your SO. It doesn't mean there is no hope for him. It means you can't fix it.
    There has to exist a few things.

    1. He has to admit he has a problem.
    2. He needs to want to stop for himself first.
    3. Refer to one and two for the solution.
    I read thru all the notes here, the truth is its not unique the story you tell could be
    duplicated a 100 million times. The problem is he thinks he is unique all addict do
    and over time they sometimes convince loved ones they are unique.

    I wont write a long novel as its a pretty simply concept until he is ready there is not much you can do
    other then choose not to deal with it anymore.
    The cold hard facts are addicts are rude, narcissistic jerks, especially to people they care about.
    The problem is they don't see at all and carry on like life owes them. And we as addicts are clueless
    judgmental people and we don't even see that either.

    Its not a cliche' addicts have to even see there is a problem is the very first thing.
    And most wont and hence why addicts of all flavors circumvent the globe.
     
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  12. Shellz

    Shellz Fapstronaut

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    Thankyou very much I will send her an email today. Thanks for taking your time to look things up. Yes Auckland has more options but Im a frazzled wreck if I have to drive on the crazy motorway up there.
     
  13. Shellz

    Shellz Fapstronaut

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    Thankyou, he see's the problem. But the rest yeah I dont know. Ive put boundaries in place as I realised I'd taken it all on myself to "try and fix shit" I cant. Im looking after me now and he has to go away.
     
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  14. Shellz

    Shellz Fapstronaut

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    I know. I said " ok if its that simple you wouldve done it by now" when I asked what his plan was I got a whole heap of dribble that Ive heard many times before. Only he can do this.......
     
  15. Shellz

    Shellz Fapstronaut

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    Im in NZ and I swear like a fishwife hahaha. Oh such a similar story we have dont we. Im angry at myself for not leaving a long time ago.

    No I cant trust him and I dont know if I ever will again. I still have hope.....but at the same time I will walk away from him with my head held high.

    I did say to him "ok how about we just have an open relationship that way you do what you want and I do the same" He literally spat tacks!! No way was his wife getting another man. I said oh......ok for you but not me?

    I dont want another relationship for a very long time. I've made a concious choice after initially writing all this to put myself first and heal. I've been embroiled in his fucking shit for so long

    Go you!! Im sorry its all come to this but you sound amazing and I wish you all the best.

    Ive looked back and read apology letters from him dating back years, its all the same shit, it never changed he just got better at hiding. No more now. Im getting help for me to recover and he can take care of his own shit.
     
  16. Shellz

    Shellz Fapstronaut

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    Spot on. Thankyou
     
  17. Kia ora @Shellz, haere mai! (One of my best friends at uni was a Kiwi.) On behalf of us all, I give you a virtual hongi ;)

    I think the others are in the best position to give advice. But I just wanted to welcome you here. It's such a tough situation - but you're in really good hands here.

    Hei konei ra! :)

    (And I apologise right now if my friend taught me swear words or insults instead of polite phrases... *gulp*)
     
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  18. Shellz

    Shellz Fapstronaut

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    Lol thankyou @HARP .....no swear words there as far as Im aware lol. Yes I do love my country, I wouldnt want to live anywhere else. We kiwis make good mates, most of us tell it how it is and are generally pretty cruisy. Thanks for your kind words. I feel so much better after getting all this out, seeing it all for what it is. I've put really firm boundaries in place with my SO and am moving forward with my life. Theres been great advice here and I've taken it all onboard however confronting it was. Cheers
     
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  19. Shellz

    Shellz Fapstronaut

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    Bahahaha @GhostWriter Im 46 no young lady....but I'll take that and run with it thanks
     
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  20. Hey Shellz. How're you doing now? Have you got anywhere with your PA this week?

    Sending love & swearies :) X
     
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