A partner's journal

Today is the day 4 since my husband's last relapse. It's been an year from the moment I found out about his addiction, but only 4 months ago I acknowledged the impact that his addiction had done in our lives and only then started doing researches, reading about it, talking about it, basically having it as the main thing in our lives. It's really hard for me to express my thoughts and my feelings so I'm starting this journal as a compromise to myself to try everyday to understand what's going on here.
Today I started to read Sex Addiction: The Partner's Perspective and I think it'll be very helpful to me.

One of the things that I want to do everyday is to find something to be grateful for, so today I'm grateful for having so many sources to help me with this journey, which IS very lonely, but at least I can find help.

 

We had this huge fight last Sunday and we weren't talking to each other until today. He told me the plan he created for his reboot and he wanted to listen from me what I was thinking and feeling, but I think I got so used to putting his problems as a priority and always putting mine aside that I just can't express my feelings anymore. I really wanted and tried to say something but nothing came out. I want this to change but I don't know how to do it. I have the sensation that if I give my feelings too much space it will make the process more painful and more difficult.

I decided I need to take care of myself, so one of the points is that I started the Weight Watchers program on Monday, since I gained a loooot of weight in the last few years, which makes everything a lot harder when we're talking about a devastated self-esteem. Let's see if it works! I really want it to.

So today I'm grateful for my husband being dedicated to his recovery and taking responsibility for everything.

 

It's so bad not knowing what my life would be like if he were not addicted. And to know that I deserved that life

 

Today is day 6 and my husband is all excited about his recovery, he's feeling strong, no urges at all, he's extremely happy.. I'm happy too and this wave of energy is good to give some hope after such bad days like the ones we just had.

We've read about karezza, but he has PIED and has never had an orgasm with me (which obviously makes me sad and made me spend 3 years wondering what was wrong with me, before he told me everything), so it didn't make any sense to do karezza since he already doesn't O. But I've decided that I don't want to O too for now, because I realized most of my O's are induced by myself, and I think that if I don't do it anymore it may help us to create more intimacy. I think it makes sense, I'll talk to him when we go to bed.

Today I'm grateful for....... I don't know.. Having a comfortable life, in a place that I love with my cats that I love more than anything? I'm sure these things do give me more strength to face this situation.
(that was hard, I spent like 15min thinking about it)

 

Some days are harder than others. The problem is that I feel that the fact that I'm sad makes my husband feeling anxious and I can totally see it leading to a relapse. It's too much having this weight on me.

 

He is starting therapy tomorrow. He's doing his best, he's really trying, but I can see that he's still very fragile