A pain a lot worse than porn

Right now, I am sitting in front of my computer screen fucking crushed. And no, I didn't masturbated, or watched porn.

I fucking broke my principle.

I am in a situation where I can't work to get money, have to go to school and in no means can move away from my parent's house because I'm 17 and I don't have nowhere to go. Today, while I was going through the David DeAngelo's program "On being a man" I realized that, even I am still 17, I am a big, fucking mamma's boy who is still thinking and behaving like an immature child.

While I was growing up, my father was always working and in critical years for my developing into a man he wasn't there. I do not have a clue how real, mature, masculine man looks like, how he acts, how he thinks. In fact, what I lack the most is just the presence of a real man. Even now, I still crave that, I need that role model, the older man, the mentor who would help me to develop myself to a real, mature man.

I set a task for myself not to eat for 36 hours in order to clean my body of toxins and fluid so I can be healthier and more energetic (google it). My mother forced me to eat and said "Eat, I do not want to fight!". It seems apsurd that she has such a power over me. But I can't stand up and force it, I am fucking to weak to confront her now, and that will remain the same for year and a half, when I finally will go to colleague and move out. That 36 hour thing was so important to me, and yet I broke that...

My mother was raising me and my sister, I honestly cannot say alone, but much of the time it was just her who took care of two of us. A woman cannot teach a young boy how to be a man. She can only do her best and with the best intention she will make of you a small, tiny, shy nice guy who is a wussy in it's essence. This is what I really am, and this is one of the most difficult pills to swallow...

I think that one of the biggest root causes of our porn and masturbating addiction is this. We really do not know what to do, how to act, we do not know when we are officially grown up, so we still behave like children and use porn/fapping/drugs/alcohol/ciggarets/ you name it, to cover up and to fill the void inside us caused by lack of real, MAN ENERGY that our fathers should provide to us.

We are boys, and a boy must dye if we want to grow up.

I almost cried in my bathroom after this. I cannot do anything, I am to weak to confront, got nowhere to hide nor to go, doesn't have a private space to work this things (my computer is crappy and I can't even watch videos or do something to help myself until I finally get a lap top).

There is no bigger pain than life of impotence and incapability to do something with your own life. Life without integrity is not a life, it's a hell.

My streak of 64 days is nothing If I do not learn to life my life by mo own values and principles. I find this the ultimate solution to this nofap thing. Regaining your ability to control your life and life a life of a mature, intelligent and fulfilled man!

I beg you, never, ever, ever, break your principles and values, for anyone and anything! I just sensed that, and the filling is the worst possible.

Mature, become a man, not a boy, and you will successfully reboot and make your life better.

Thank you for reading, and sorry if this post is supposed to be in some other forum section.

 

I share the pain, and I feel sorry and compassion to you. Stay strong and search for mature men. (James Dean for example, he got some videos on yt)

 

I am a bit overweight, so I burn fats first, structural proteins are burned last. in fact, I noticed muscle gains since I started this fasting things. bdw, I do about 24 hours, like i stop eating at sunday at 9 am, and do not eat untill monday 9am, but I do not eat at night so I eat at tuestay morning