A New Challenge

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Castielle, Nov 26, 2018.

  1. Castielle

    Castielle Fapstronaut

    So my husband and I have this marriage group we go to every other week. It's a bunch of couples from our church that get together and talk about God and marriage, and right now we are working through a book called re-engage.

    Last week we got to the chapter about sexual intimacy, and through the reading and the questions and discussion with my husband, I realized that I have so many more issues with sex than I ever knew. There were a lot of things i had been in denial about, sort of pushing to the back of my mind because i didnt want to deal with them, and they all perpetuating my PMO habit.

    Through discussion with my husband and with the other women in our group, I realized that most all of the anxiety I had surrounding sex was related to stress over orgasm.

    First of all, I know that God does not want me to be thinking of other people during intimacy with my husband. But I feel like it is impossible to change that, because I feel like if I dont use my imagination, it will take forever for me to reach orgasm.

    Secondly, I was anxious about the idea of trying to stop my daystesming during sex, because I know that if I'm not daydreaming and I'm just focusing on the feelings, then I will start to get annoyed that whatever he is doing doesnt feel as good as what I can do to myself. And another problem I have is that I have absolutely no idea how to communicate what I want. Part of it is discomfort with being vocal about it, but most of it I'd honestly just that I literally dont know what to say or how to direct him. I just know when something doesnt feel right, but I dont know how to fix it. If I were doing it myself, i would probably explore for a while and try some different things until i found what felt right, so I dont even know what to tell him to do differently without doing that first.

    These are my two main anxieties when it comes to sex, and I realized that they are both so focused on orgasm. The only reason it makes me anxious to try to explore different things is because I feel like it will make me take too long. So, I've decided to do something I never thought I would do. I'm going hard mode.

    I've decided that, for the foreseeable future, I'm going to let orgasm be a thing that either happens or doesnt, but not something I'm seeking. Which I realize isnt exactly what "hard mode" is, but that's just an easy way to say it. So when we have sex, I will try to focus entirely on the intimacy and on him and us together, and if I take orgasm off the table, then it's no longer stressful to think about trying to change my mindset and stop thinking about other people and stop focusing so much on the end result of sex rather than the intimacy and the spiritual oneness of it.

    We've had sex once, so far, since I decided to do this, and it went okay. I succeeded in not thinking of other stuff, and it was fun and felt nice most of the time. I didnt orgasm, but I am thinking another benefit of trying this is that I might finally be able to reach orgasm from something other than oral, since we wont be doing much of that.

    So, we'll see how it goes. I'm restarting my counter today so I can keep track from here. One of the girls in my group said that she was on some antidepressants once that made it nearly impossible for her to orgasm, and she said that it actually kind of helped her to let go of the stress of performing, since it wasnt even an option to have to think about. It's also just really nice to have a group of women IRL who are all on the same page as me and have some of the same struggles, and some that are even bigger than my struggles. It let's me give myself more grace, because we are all in the same boat and just doing our best.

    So yeah, that's what I'm trying for the time being. I dont know for sure if I'll be doing "hard mode" during every sexual experience or not. I think I will leave it fluid and see how it goes, because I'm not completely against the idea of having an orgasm, I just dont want it to be my focus. So if i feel like we can do that without it being my sole purpose for having sex, then that might be fine. We'll see.

    I'll probably update here after some sexual experiences, to document how things are going, so if that's something that you dont want to hear about or would be triggering, this probably isnt the thread for you to follow.
    Sun_shine, Robbiebob, kropo82 and 2 others like this.
  2. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    That's encouraging. I would also encourage you to not "...probably update..." but definitely update if you can because so many women could benefit from your documented successes (and failures if you have them). I wish you all the best. "Intimacy" has always been the cornerstone of what in my view a legitimate recovery looks like. Good luck!
    Sun_shine, kropo82 and Castielle like this.
  3. Miss Winnie

    Miss Winnie Fapstronaut

    I’m with ya, gonna try to let go of expecting orgasm as the goal and focusing on the intimacy...
    Plus, I’m not married yet, so I’m trying to let go of being too sexually active too

    Worth the wait yeah?
    Castielle likes this.
  4. Castielle

    Castielle Fapstronaut

    Miss Winnie likes this.
  5. I once led a Bible study on sex and it was rather awkward. A third of those who attended felt so uncomfortable that they left the room and would have probably left completely if they had transport. I don't know what I was thinking leading a Bible study on the subject.

    I would think intimacy is a problem for most people here. Looking at porn is a great way to avoid intimacy and that's probably one reason we use it.
  6. Castielle

    Castielle Fapstronaut

    Our group wasnt like that at all. Everybody was super stoked to talk about sex. We talked about past abuse, struggling with our sexual orientation, intimacy issues, having trouble reaching orgasm, and tons of other stuff. Idk what the guys talked about, but we could hear them all laughing and chatting away. Nobody was uncomfortable.
  7. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    I don't know why! Sex, in and of itself, is NOT sinful. I think there are some topics men just wouldn't talk about to their peers in their church. Say what you will, people gossip. There is no medicinal benefit to gossip. There is a whole lot of judgment with it. It is even difficult for them to talk about ED in front of a group of other men because it makes them feel as though they are less of a man. Former Senator Bob Dole made it acceptable for men to talk about ED. Men too, LOL their vanity runneth a muck, are preoccupied with "My dick is too small". or "My penis looks like one of those road signs that says 'Sharp Curve Ahead' or what have you. They show up all macho and shit, and the reality is, they have their own set of deep seated issues, the most of which surrounds their addiction that they have trained their brain to respond to. That's why 12-Step is so very helpful to a lot of people. Because A) you don't know them on a personal level, B) you always find them to have problems equal to yours or worse, and C) now you have a group of men you can identify with unlike what you find in any given church setting. Anyway, that's my thoughts on it.
  8. Castielle

    Castielle Fapstronaut

    Why what? I said that nobody in our group was uncomfortable, including the men. Nobody felt like sex was sinful.

    I'm not really sure what this whole topic has to do with anything anyway.
  9. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

    NVM. I was talking about the men.

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