A long time coming

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by CatchingRye, Feb 5, 2019.

  1. CatchingRye

    CatchingRye Fapstronaut

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    This journal certainly has been a long time coming.
    Our D-Day was almost exactly one year ago. I think I've been contemplating journalling here since that day. I've tried writing notes unseen to the world in my laptop but it never sticks. Posting here and putting it out into the world feels more... relieving.

    He seems to have a hard time understanding that I'm still experiencing intense emotions even almost a year later He offers support, but also doesn't understand how it feels to be in my shoes, nor I in his. I try to be sympathetic to that.

    I feel so much stronger than I did when this all started, but I know I still have a ways to go. Hopefully this journal will help me along the way.
     
  2. CatchingRye

    CatchingRye Fapstronaut

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    I feel extremely aggressive today. My mind is swirling with every little detail I can find, grab onto and run with. Fight or flight mode is a real state today.

    Its frustrating. I've just come off 2 weeks of complete satisfaction of where we are in our relationship. I was totally content, almost like a second honeymoon phase. Now it's like taking two steps backwards. Don't the ebbs and flows of life just make you want to laugh and cry all at the same time?

    I must remember patience with myself, patience with him. We are both learning, we are not perfect. I'm allowed to have my bad days, but I do not have to allow them to swallow me whole and spit out toxicity.
     
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  3. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    I was just thinking today that my husband is in a good place. He has understood the need for recovery (finally) and is getting the high of starting to get better. He can forge ahead. Meanwhile, I have been struggling to make progress in my BT and have been doing so, slowly, because I have to do it while continuing to sustain fresh injuries because his hurtful behaviors continue to happen. So especially compared to his, my day to day progress limps along. You have my sympathy.
     
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  4. CatchingRye

    CatchingRye Fapstronaut

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    Triggers are getting much easier to handle. I'm no longer rushing to conclusions, I take my time. I'm patient with myself, I know when things are in our control and when they are not.
    Sometimes we just need to make room for life to happen in our situation. Nothing is perfect. Control is the never-ending concept we keep trying to grasp at, but I'm slowly allowing room to open for the ups, the downs, the in-betweens, the unexpected. Sometimes I laugh at myself for the minuscule things I get upset over. I cherish those moments of light-heartedness and perspective.

    I've allowed myself room to slow down, self-sooth without running to my partner every time I'm going through the motions. It doesn't feel good to depend on him for my feelings of self worth and I certainly don't want to depend on him for that. It's very exciting to be in a place where I feel my self confidence really coming back. In full force!

    I'm so grateful that I can express to him when I need to have time to myself to go through those motions, and he always lets me without complaint. I thank all the stars for the amount of support he's shown me through this process. It feels like a partnership again, not us against each other. In this moment we are no longer butting heads, and I am grateful.
     
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  5. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    So happy for you - not butting heads. This is a concept my husband actually introduced me to. He helped me understand that he is much more confident about being able to recover if he knows he and I are on the same side. But when he feels we are adversaries, he loses hope. The difficulty I've had noticing when I am feeling adversarial is a byproduct of sustaining so many hurts from him for so long. I was always on the defensive and for good reason. (My husband isn't "just" a porn addict, but also acts out a lot in public.)
     
  6. CatchingRye

    CatchingRye Fapstronaut

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    Today was fairly mundane, I guess I should be thankful for that. No extreme highs but also no extreme lows. Triggers were very little and easily handled!
    It all seems to be coming back to a normal every day life. The fights aren't as extreme, we go longer periods without constantly talking about the issues. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm glad that it's not such a gigantic focus anymore, normal life seems to be resuming.

    I'm enjoying the feeling of feeling safe with him again.
     
  7. CatchingRye

    CatchingRye Fapstronaut

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    I'm trying to do this daily but for some reason journalling doesn't seem relative when you're in a great mood. Nevertheless, I'll continue to try and engage on this journal through the good days as much as the bad.

    We had an amazing weekend together. Not one single fight. Only one serious conversation. We're on the same level right now with understanding one another, being there for each other. Its been quite a wild ride for the two of us and my my my it's so amazing to finally be reaping the benefits of all the hard work we've put in.

    Must remember to do yoga and meditate tonight aswell. Those also fall off the radar when I feel good, but its important to remember that I feel good because I make a habit of doing those things daily for myself.
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2019
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  8. CatchingRye

    CatchingRye Fapstronaut

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    Bad dreams. I keep having horrible, horrible dreams. It's been like this for the past few weeks now. Dreams of me walking in on him with women, him messaging women, him leaving me for another woman, etc. It's all way too vivid.
    I try to avoid allowing the vivid emotions from my dream state to take over but it's quite the task. The emotions I feel upon waking feel so real that it starts to trigger me. And this is a subject that is kind of hard to talk about and relate over between us. He dreams, but never remembers them. I dream, and it can fuck up my whole day if I let it.

    I know realistically its just my brain working through what it needs to work through. But after a few weeks now I'm wondering how much longer these dreams are going to last.

    And upon writing this, I come to realize I don't remember a single good dream I've had in weeks. So, maybe a little too much focus is being placed on the bad ones.
     
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  9. CatchingRye

    CatchingRye Fapstronaut

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    It's our first D-Day anniversary. Valentines day of all days.

    But honestly, part of me feels like today might just feel like any other ordinary day.
    We've come so far from who we were a year ago today. So much progress has been made that it almost feels like a step back to hold on to the negative energy of it all. The memories became more vivid as this day got closer though. I can remember exact words I said to him, exact conversations I saw, pictures exchanged.... They have an emotional pull on me for a few seconds, but I seem to be ok with managing and pulling myself back to the reality of today. And it's only now that I can see how much less these memories haunt me. Progress.

    The progress made has been incredible.

    The only thing I'm doing today is taking it easy. Yoga, meditation, reading, relaxing. Journalling first thing this morning so some of these thoughts are out of my head before I start my day. I'm just going to keep reminding myself to be there for myself today.

    In the past year, I felt my world falling apart around me on several occasions. I moved in with my two best friends who got me laughing even in my worst of times. I've gone from obsessively overbearing in every single way to relaxed and at peace with how things are. My 24/7 anxious state no longer exists. I've proven stronger than I ever thought I could be. I see my worth in more ways than I ever have. I know how much love and support I am capable of giving, even to those who may not deserve it. I've laughed a lot, and cried more than I ever thought possible. I never lost hope.

    I guess one of the worst experiences of my life brought out the best in me.
     
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  10. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Wow! I'm glad to know this isn't just me! I'm doing slightly better right now, but have had long stretches of sleep disturbed by terrible dreams of actual events where my husband acted out and people he ogled or obsessed on. The mind is so strange. Once, at the exact moment of an orgasm, I even had a flash of the face of a waitress he had ogled months earlier. These things are not in my control and I fight against letting them set the tone for the day, but they have the potential to ruin an entire day. So sorry this is happening to you.
     
  11. CatchingRye

    CatchingRye Fapstronaut

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    Yesterday went much better than I expected. I was on the good side of moods for most of the day, although I was much more sensitive to triggers. One minute I was enjoying laughter with coworkers, the next I was on the verge of tears. But most moments, I completely forgot that it was the D-Day anniversary and went about my day. I think I was so prepared for yesterday to be a complete nightmare in terms of emotional wellbeing, I didn't anticipate it going well!

    I'm enjoying focusing more on ME than I am on him. For a while there, things were feeling really codependent. But now, I feel like I move about my day with more stability in myself which in turn makes my relationship more stable. It's so important to do the little things for yourself each and every day. Always make time for you!
     
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  12. CatchingRye

    CatchingRye Fapstronaut

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    I've had a really productive day today. Overall, the whole weekend was good. Did some more preparing to move, had a night out with my girlfriends and did endless amounts of dancing, cleaned the house today, did yoga, read a lot of the book I got from the library. The story thus far is pretty mundane but I'm determined to get through it.

    I still have these moments of anger. Sometimes, I catch myself making up these scenarios or arguments in my head, coming to all different conclusions of how I could "win the fight". But, I do notice these moments happening less and less. And I'm able to laugh at myself more over them. I'm just constantly reminding myself that what I'm going through is normal, and these furies of anger will come and go. I don't need to allow the anger to be destructive, but rather constructive. I'm allowed to be angry. But I also don't want to damage our relationship. It's a delicate balance to learn!
     
  13. CatchingRye

    CatchingRye Fapstronaut

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    For some reason I have such a hard time making sleep a priority. I know how important it is, and it's one of the main things that sways my mood when I don't get enough of it, yet I've struggled for months now to go to bed at a decent hour.

    I've also noticed a pattern. At work, almost every single day between 5 and 5:30pm, my mood shifts so drastically. I don't know if it's because its my last hour of work and I just want to go home, or my brain is getting fed up from typing on a computer all day, but this has been going on pretty much since day one. Am I just used to the pattern now? Is it happening only because I expect it to happen? But as soon as it gets to that hour, my brain just dives off the deep end with every bad thought possible. Maybe it's best I just let it ride, allow the emotions to come out and not judge the process.

    I'm getting better at not picking fights at every little thing that I get upset over. But, I also worry that I'm being submissive. I don't want to be silent to avoid conflict, but also don't want to rock the boat for no reason... I think the hardest part of this whole journey is not knowing what the hell my gut is telling me anymore! Every piece of advice I get says "listen to your gut" but one hour my gut tells me to get upset over something, and the next my gut it telling me that it's all good! That piece of advice isn't working for me and it's frustrating.
     
  14. CatchingRye

    CatchingRye Fapstronaut

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    We had one of those moments yesterday.

    I logged into one of his accounts. This was the first time I'd done this in maybe 2 or 3 months. I noticed one of his most recent conversations from a while back with a female had been deleted. You all know the feeling: your heart falling into your butt.

    So, I told him I needed to talk to him. I told him what I did and what I noticed. I didn't want to sound like I was accusing him, so i just asked if he could tell me why the conversation was gone. I prepared myself for the defensiveness, for the bullshit lies to start, for his desperation to come forward. Was I going to get the truth or was he going to play me around? I prayed and prayed and just begged the universe for him to be honest with me.

    Turns out, the girl deleted her profile. The conversation still appeared for him, but when he clicked on it, it was gone. He sent me screenshots to show me aswell.

    Reminder: Not everything is as it seems.

    But the best part? He wasn't defensive. He didn't get upset at all. He was calm, proactive and supportive. He saw my side of things.
    I told him I felt stupid afterwards, and he reminded me that I most definitely am not.

    I love this man so much.
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2019
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  15. CatchingRye

    CatchingRye Fapstronaut

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    So it was a bit of a rough weekend. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a little on edge and I've been inquisitive over the past few days. He also hung out with a friend that I'm not too fond of(shitty morals) and that made me even more sensitive.

    I wanted to talk to him, I wanted to ask what he does for himself each and every day for the success of our relationship. I want him to be healthy, for himself and for us. I approached the topic very carefully because I knew this was a sensitive subject. I told him I felt a bit in the dark about what he's doing, and he immediately got frustrated and defensive. My guess is because he knows he isn't doing enough to contribute and I noticed and pointed it out.

    He started getting louder and swearing so I ended the conversation. We didn't talk all day and I sent him an "I love you" before we went to bed. We started argueing again so I told him to drop it.

    Sunday, he apologized to me and told me he doesn't want me to feel like I can't talk to him but I told him straight up that I don't. Every time I want to bring up porn addiction and self improvement, I have a huge lump in my throat because I have no idea how he's going to respond. I told him that I'm tired of approaching the subject like I'm sneaking up on a baby deer in the woods. I think he got it, we said I love you's and things went back to normal. Until he went out and did an activity that we said we'd do together, then I was just annoyed by him for the rest of the day. He tried to say I love you's and that he was sorry but my response was minimal and dry.

    He told me that he's going to call his therapist today to book his next appointment. Lets see if he actually does it on his own. It's extremely frustrating to have to ask 4 or 5 times before something gets done. He gets annoyed with me, but if I don't keep asking or reminding, it doesn't get done!
     

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