A Journey to Freedom (365 days)

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Freedom Hawk, May 2, 2018.

  1. Freedom Hawk

    Freedom Hawk Fapstronaut

    Journal Index


    First, I need to say why I'm doing this. I pretend it's okay, but I know this is not the life I should be living. Dopamine addiction makes us more and more conformist, we sit and turn our backs on our dreams, because they are too difficult, or they seem impossible. Today I don't even know who I am, what I like, my ambitions. So young without expecting anything from life, the first to give up on myself was me. And now I want my life back, I want to know the person I should become.

    I will quote the most important facts about myself in a very practical way, but you can read my complete introduction in this post.

    • I'm a 23 year old straight male, I've been struggling with PMO since I was 12-13.
    • I have Social Anxiety and Bipolar Disorder, that are directly affected by my addiction.
    • I am currently in a serious relationship and my sex life is not as good as it should be.
    • I'm finishing my college, but I can not concentrate on the classes, even though I have plenty of time.
    • I'm from a vegetarian family, I started eating meat a short time ago, but it's still rare.
    • I do not smoke, I do not drink, and I avoid any kind of numbness (Buddhist principles).
    • I have frequented several religions, I am not affiliated to any, I respect all of them and I believe in a superior force (God).
    • My biggest streak was in January of 2017 with 20 days.
    • I live in Brazil and my native language is Portuguese, but I understand English and Spanish well. Forgive me if there are any grammatical errors in my texts.
    Setting Goals

    [Update] My current goal is for 365 days, regardless of resets, and then I'll start another goal, my journey is to get rid of Pornography and Masturbation for life.

    I am currently on my 10th day of the journey, without P, M or Edging. I am allowing O. because of my relationship.

    On my 6th day I did S. with my partner and felt things I had never felt before, for the first time this act was satisfactory to me, I was already finding that I was asexual or something like this.

    On the 8th day I did S. again and felt a regression, so I decided that I will not perform S. more than once a week. And if that does not work, I'll try hard mode.

    I recently discovered the concept of "edging", and realized that this is bad for recovery. Even before I knew officially I could feel the hormones flowing through my body, and knew that this would slow my recovery, so now I have decided that I will avoid edging as much as P or M.

    First Steps

    When I joined the challenge last year I got rid of almost every pornography I had on my computer (200GB), leaving only 18GB that I could not throw away for "emotional reasons", so I packed into a file with a password and never again opened But since then I have accumulated more pornography, so in two days I did the same process.

    I used network locking from the operating system's own host file to block all sites I instinctively looked for at critical times (boredom, sadness, anger, frustration, anxiety).

    I deleted all groups and servers in my media that were meant for pornographic chat, and I put Google in safesearch mode to avoid accidents.

    I was already familiar with the NoFap community, but I had never created an account and used the forum, now I finally did it and do not regret that choice, we need each other on this arduous journey.

    And I also had a conversation with my girlfriend, she understands (superficially) the problems that this addiction causes in my life and will help me as she can. If I come into hard mode, I do not know what her reaction would be, we still need to talk about it.

    Thoughts and Expectations

    I am happy to have taken this initiative, for the first time in a long time I feel that I made a decision of my own without being manipulated by my addictions and weaknesses, and it is at this moment that my counterattack begins.

    At the end of 90 days my expectations are as follows:

    • I'll be able to get rid of 100% of all pornography.
    • I'll get rid of the habit of masturbating unconsciously.
    • I'll be able to improve my sex life with my girlfriend.
    • I'll see the world in a different way.
    • I'll have much more time and energy to do something useful with my life.
    • I'll have more self-confidence.
    • I'll get to know myself better.
    The battle has begun, and if I fall I will raise as many times as necessary, in the end I will win, and if I have not won yet it is because I have not reached the end of my journey.

    Last edited: Dec 21, 2018
  2. onlyrealstuff

    onlyrealstuff Fapstronaut

    I like your post. You are a very articulate guy.
    You made great job with the first steps. Even though you know you will regret deleting some stuff(temporarily), you must burn all the bridges that may lead to PMO.
    I think it would be awesome if you made a rough list of things you could do when these emotions hit you (boredom, sadness, anger, frustration, anxiety).
    Because they inevitably will, many times, harder than you think.
    You are a warrior so you know you must brace yourself.
    All the best mate, keep us posted!
  3. Freedom Hawk

    Freedom Hawk Fapstronaut

    @onlyrealstuff Thanks for the tips, I thought about them a lot.

    Today I deleted all pornography from my phone, and I plan to delete all my browsing history from my computer's browser.

    This is something complicated, but I think I should think of a hobby (I have none) and focus on it, spend my time with it, and get my satisfaction from it instead of PMO.
    Cicodel and Mvdb25 like this.
  4. Freedom Hawk

    Freedom Hawk Fapstronaut

    Day 10
    May 2, 2018

    When we make a serious commitment, under normal conditions we will never seek for PMO, but our mind is weakened in some circumstances.

    Today I had a little problem waking up, when I remembered my overwhelming responsibilities, I had an anxiety crisis and started edging, so I remembered that I still had not deleted the pornography from my cell phone and took a look.

    After that I deleted all pornography from my cell phone. When I wake up, my mind is weakened, my consciousness is not yet completely in control, so I decided to keep my cell phone always away from the bed (in case I want to search for P. on the internet), even using the cell phone's alarm clock, I get up and walk to the cell phone to turn it off.

    Incidentally I noticed that the PMO cycle is directly linked to routine and opportunity, so I must change both.

    I should not take the phone to the bathroom under any circumstances. When I go for a shower I should take my cell phone out of my pocket before I even enter the bathroom. This is a great opportunity for, in idleness and privacy, to relapse.

    I always masturbate when I wake up and before bed / bath, so I must follow a strict routine at these times to prevent it. I must create new habits that replace the old ones and repeat this for at least 90 days in order for my brain to absorb the new information.
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2018
    Soren K., Deleted Account and Mvdb25 like this.
  5. Freedom Hawk

    Freedom Hawk Fapstronaut

    Day 11
    May 3, 2018

    I feel very apathetic, it is as if my mind has no desire to do anything, except the desire for pornography that seems more intense.

    It's been a week since I left home (because of holidays), today I had to go out to college and I saw several girls on the way ... I felt like a wild beast searching for its prey, I just could not stop looking (I have a foot fetish, they attract me much more than any part of the body), even talking to my classmates I looked away shamelessly to spy on some girl passing by and could not stop looking !!!

    My brain probably wants its dopamine, which I have not given to it, so it's looking for alternative solutions, turning the real world into its source of pornography.

    This desire is so strong that sometimes I think it's really a genuine desire of my being, which is not true, it's just a craving for an addicted mind. I even fantasize about having sex with other women, or asking for an open relationship, just to satiate this desire.

    I will not do any of this, I kept myself a virgin until I was 22 years old by choice, I waited for the right person to enter my life and now I am already in that relationship for a year and a half, I have never been more convinced that this is the woman of my life, so it makes no sense to have sex with other girls, this desire is not mine, it does not belong to me!

    I decided I should not look at girls on the street, it's like a source of pornography to me, I can not control myself once I start to stare, my eyes and my imagination are completely controlled by addiction. Starting today I will treat every beautiful woman on the street as pornography and avoid it to the fullest until my mind is stabilized.
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2018
    Neuriel, Cicodel and Mvdb25 like this.
  6. Freedom Hawk

    Freedom Hawk Fapstronaut

    Day 12
    May 4, 2018

    A little confession, from time to time I make excuses to see porn, but nothing much, I usually think "I did not leave my anti-pornography system strong enough, I'll test this and that", when I realize the problem I close the page, usually don't last more than a few seconds.

    Today this happened, and my heart pumped, it seemed like it was going to come out of my mouth, I had to take a breathing exercise to get back to normal. I'm taking abstinence more seriously, I can not risk ruining this reboot.

    I realized that I am completely unstable outside, my mind feels very frustrated when I see girls on the street and I do not give what she wants, dopamine.

    My college classes are nocturnal, so after class I usually send a text message to my girlfriend and ask her if she can meet me for a few minutes. But today she said she was busy, and it hurt a lot more than I thought it would (I have not seen her since Monday).

    I think I know what happened, my mind wants dopamine at all costs, and the part of me that got frustrated and even angry, when she said she could not meet me, was the part that wanted to take advantage of my girlfriend's body to get some pleasure.

    It's as if there were two minds inside me, my real one and the dopamine-addicted part. I really do not want to let the addicted party prevail. I do not want to meet my girlfriend after a week and the first thing I do is harass her or think about having S. with her only.

    The researches are right, porn kills love, but it will not kill MY love, I will not let it!
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2018
    Mvdb25 likes this.
  7. Mvdb25

    Mvdb25 Fapstronaut

    I live with you, it seems that you are going through a difficult period. From your posts I can also deduce that you take this process very seriously. Because you talked about a need for dopamine, I searched for dopamine-increasing activities. These are some of them:
    - exercising: you don’t need to exercise strenuously, you can go out for a walk, ...
    - meditation or creative hobbies like photography, ...
    - touch: all kinds of pleasurable touch increase dopamine, not only sex, but also massages, stroking an animal, ...
    - sleep: it seems like a bad sleeping routine reduces the number of dopaminereceptors
    Good luck and keep fighting!
    theFounder, Neuriel and Freedom Hawk like this.
  8. Freedom Hawk

    Freedom Hawk Fapstronaut

    Day 13
    May 5, 2018

    I ended up going to bed at 5:30 a.m., and I woke up at 2 o'clock, it is bad habit to sleep at these bad times. Even though I'm more productive at night, I should go to sleep at 2am at the most and wake up at 10am. So I think it's time to commit more to my schedules and correct this bad habit.

    I almost had a wet dream today, it was a very strange dream because I dreamed that I was about to relapse, I was in a dark bathroom doing M. and I began to regret it because I already got 12 days of the challenge, I was almost reaching the apex after only 5 seconds, I felt the orgasm coming, but I managed to stop. I'm sure if I had not stopped in the dream I would have wet my bed.

    Imagine what it would have been like to wet the bed for such a depressing dream (I can not even call it a "hot dream"), and that would have had an impact on my reboot, since the mind would receive a dopamine discharge after orgasm.

    I'm happy that in the dream I remembered NoFap, that I felt sorry and I was able to stop, that is a sign that even in my unconscious I am committed to this challenge.

    Tonight I will meet my girlfriend after a week, I do not know if we will have S., I am more interested in the walk that we will do as an alternative healthy way to get dopamine (thanks for the suggestion @Mvdb25).

    [Update] At night my girlfriend and I had S. It was an experience almost as good as the one I had on day 6, maybe it was less because of the expectation.
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2018
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  9. Freedom Hawk

    Freedom Hawk Fapstronaut

    Day 14
    May 6, 2018

    Today was a bad day, I had very strong urges (maybe because of the chaser effect), I ended up visiting a sexual relationships site, which contained very explicit pictures. But soon after I installed a plugin in my browser that blocks sites like this by default.

    To end the day, terrible news, my girlfriend told me that if I do not heal from the addiction until the end of the year she will leave me. Our relationship is stable (at least from my point of view), we have been together for almost a year and a half... I am devastated.

    I was making this challenge not just for myself, but for us, to improve our relationship. And now I have to do it at all costs, otherwise everything will end. This is not a motivation, it's a burden that makes me so desperate that it increases my desire to run away from everything and go back to PMO.

    I'm thinking of switching to hard mode, so maybe I can get rid of the addiction once and for all. But it's a great decision, I'll cool my head first before deciding on something so important.

    The good news is that today I will begin to sleep earlier, and wake up at the same time every day, so I must have my schedules organized.

    God help me to keep my strength.
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2018
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  10. Hank Pym

    Hank Pym Fapstronaut

    You can enter hard mode by doing S but not O during S. I do not know much about this technique, you need to search on the internet. So you can recover faster.
    Freedom Hawk likes this.
  11. Martinus

    Martinus Fapstronaut

    Hey @FreedomHawk

    I'm really sorry to hear about your girlfriend. But don't look at it as a burden she has put on you. Realize that you've got a great girl right there who has been willing to work things out together up until now. And now she desperately wants you to beat this thing. I know it seems like an insurmountable task. But the year is still miles away and if you just take things one day at a time, you'll be over with this addiction in no time. Good luck.
    Freedom Hawk and rayzyzz like this.
  12. Freedom Hawk

    Freedom Hawk Fapstronaut

    It is a form of edging, even without the orgasm it releases many hormones, it is said that it is better to have orgasm soon to be in a state of edging.

    Anyway this challenge made me very sensitive, I need to do S. very slowly to avoid PE, so it would be very risky to try to do S. without O.

    Thanks for the support, I feel more confident in looking for other alternatives, I do not have to despair.

    You're right, I must focus on the fact that I had already decided to heal myself, nothing has changed. And there's still a long way to go by the end of the year, I did not mean to fail before, and I do not intend to do it now.
    Hank Pym likes this.
  13. Freedom Hawk

    Freedom Hawk Fapstronaut

    Day 15
    May 7, 2018

    A dark day for me, I feel pressured, unmotivated, but at the same time I am angry with my condition and it gives me the strength to fight. I spent the day studying my next steps, my new goal is to stay without PM until the new year, until now I did not have a fixed goal, maybe this is for the better.

    NEW GOAL: Stay clean until the new year [239 days left]

    I decided that I need an Accountability Partner, I've lurked in the AP section of the forum, but I have not yet met someone from my age group, time zone, similar streak, preferably in a serious relationship, and who is seriously committed to the challenge.

    I started to regulate my sleep schedules, got to sleep just half an hour after the stipulated time, and I woke up earlier than normal today. So far no wet dreams, but today I had a hard time sleeping, I kept waking up all the time.

    I'm thinking of starting to go to the gym, something I've never done for shame, my body is very thin and I find the gym environment very exposed, it's just a reaction to the traumas of school days, those who suffered bullying know how it is.

    That's it for now. And to all the companions who have rellapsed in the last days:
    I am praying for you, that God gives you strength to continue fighting.
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2018
    Hank Pym likes this.
  14. Freedom Hawk

    Freedom Hawk Fapstronaut

    Day 16
    May 8, 2018

    I'm putting my new schedules into practice, I took some sleeping pills to sleep at the right time. I still have trouble getting up at the right time. But this is still a big progress!

    Today I had again a dream that I was having a relapse, and I woke up having confused thoughts.

    "What if I took a break from my relationship, and had experiences with other girls to satisfy my desire?"

    This looks more like the addicted part of me than my own mind. Yet it made me consider the idea, only because I am accused of being potentially unfaithful, even though I kept myself a virgin until I met my girlfriend, and I never betrayed her to any other woman.

    I met two NoFap users from my country and exchanged contacts, I also joined a Discord server for rebooters. I probably will not be able to do it alone, if you want to be my AP, send me a message.

    Today I configured a stronger network block, OpenDNS, indicated by @jimbo_br. I ended up seeing some unwanted pornography while testing the blocker, I must admit that I felt good and looked at the pictures a lot more than I needed.

    It's my last barrier, all the pornography was deleted, the boats were burned, it's over. Starting today I will avoid even looking at bikini women in an advertisement.

    Today I'm grateful for...
    I am grateful for resisting for one more day.
    I am grateful for all the good people who have helped me.
    I am grateful for being alive and able to correct my mistakes.
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2018
    onlyrealstuff, Hank Pym and A.V.R like this.
  15. A.V.R

    A.V.R Fapstronaut

    The battle can be won and the best version of yourself awaits you at the end of this ordeal. You are capable of ridding yourself of the slothfulness that is PMO. Stay encouraged and know that the desires you felt when testing out the blocker is only a trick by your mind to feed itself a dopamine high no matter how small that high may be it's quite dangerous.
    Freedom Hawk likes this.
  16. Freedom Hawk

    Freedom Hawk Fapstronaut

    It's really dangerous, I'll keep myself aware and far away from any kind of situation that could lead me to relapse.
    Thank you for the encouragement.
    Last edited: May 8, 2018
  17. Freedom Hawk

    Freedom Hawk Fapstronaut

    Day 17
    May 9, 2018

    The first thing I want to share today is my experience of my simple walk.

    I almost always go out at night, but today I went out in broad daylight, I looked at the color of the grass under the sunlight and I barely recognized it: Is this color real? It's so vivid
    I forgot my sunglasses since I was not used to going out during the day, but I appreciated the warmth and brightness that it provided, and the fresh air, all these things have always been there?

    Why do we always look for something that is beyond our reach and forget everything we have?
    Why do we get into our homes and try so desperately to achieve happiness through pixels while we have such beautiful things everywhere?

    I'm happy to be more present in the real world, I'm grateful for NoFap and all of you.


    I was able to sleep and wake up at the scheduled time and without sleeping pills. Today I felt extremely well disposed.

    I was able to follow healthy habits, such as eating lunch early and away from the computer, for some reason I felt like doing it without even pushing myself.

    In the afternoon I had a business meeting, it was very productive and finished early, so I decided to take a walk, something I rarely do.

    I was able to organize my thoughts while walking, all my current problems with NoFap and my girlfriend, and I came to a conclusion:

    NEW GOAL: 30 days on hard-mode starting now, and then back to normal-mode

    Let me explain how I came to that conclusion. Although normal-mode is effective against pornography, I'm still a dopamine addict, if I keep doing S. once a week I'll just spend the whole week thinking about it, and when my brain realizes that it can not have what it wants will immediately resort to pornography and masturbation. That means continuing this way will only make it hard for me, and also delay the recovery of my brain with dopamine.

    I need at least 15 days (on average) to go through the worst symptoms of abstinence. That's when my brain will realize that its hunger for dopamine is unsustainable and I will let it starve.

    The other 15 days are to recover from this period and its symptoms. I do not want to risk a relapse from the chaser effect after sex while still being shaken by abstinence.

    And I can not forget that it's no use dropping bad habits if I do not build new good habits, the triggers will always be in my brain until I rewrite them. So I must continue with the walks and think about starting to work out.

    P.S.: I'm very sleepy but I wanted to do this post anyway, sorry if have too many spelling errors.

    Today I'm grateful for...
    I am grateful for resisting for one more day.
    I am grateful to have cleared my mind.

    I am grateful to have been able to enjoy the real world as it is.
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2018
  18. Hank Pym

    Hank Pym Fapstronaut

    That's good. Be her best friend than a boy friend for a month.
    Freedom Hawk likes this.
  19. kio_actualized

    kio_actualized Fapstronaut

    Just wanted to say that you are doing an amazing job here.
    Indeed, inspiring to me.
    Congratulations, keep it up!
    Freedom Hawk likes this.
  20. Freedom Hawk

    Freedom Hawk Fapstronaut

    Day 18
    May 10, 2018

    I watched a video today where porn actresses talked about the difference between real sex and porn sex, and surprisingly that did not trigger PMO, and helped to "break the spell" of that perfect scenario that we all see in pornography, helped change my idea of that and now this seem more uninteresting to me, has helped me to value the sex of real life more.

    I do not think I should post the video, I'd rather not risk causing someone to relapse. If you are interested just look on YouTube.

    I slept very badly tonight, I'm having problems with rats here at home. I'm terrified of mice. But I managed to keep my schedule.

    I went out during the day one more time, this time went to buy a closet, the bad news is that I could not stop looking at the women on the street, but I started to train a new habit of looking away.

    Well, my biggest problem right now, which is destroying my relationship, is that I can not control myself on the street, I always look at women, especially at their feet.

    I have looked for some useful tips on the internet, and I want to focus on solving this problem in parallel with PMO abstinence.

    Why do we look at women?
    • We produce dopamine when we look at women, natural response.
    • The media makes us look at women all the time in a malicious way.
    • Pornography solidifies this habit.
    How to stop looking?
    1. Block content of this type (pornography and p-subs)
    2. Create a habit of looking away.
    3. Increase focus on your partner (such as a list of qualities)
    4. Pray to God.
    5. Get an AP.
    My plan: 1, 4 and 5 already in progress. Regarding 2, I started doing it today. And 3 I plan to start a list of things I like about my girlfriend, and I want to continue this list indefinitely.
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2018

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