Separate names with a comma.
Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Jennica, Jan 19, 2018.
I never put things together before reading your post today that "pecking order" is literally referring to the social lives of chickens! I just never really thought about the origins of that phrase. And now I've also learned about the origination of skanks. NoFap is so educational
The pecking order is a real deal. Chickens can kill a week, young or old bird ruthlessly when establishing the pecking order especially if they are a bully hen. Roosters are just as bad if not worse then hens with other roosters. As a norm when they are establishing the pecking order they actually peck at other chickens when asserting their dominance. That’s why it can get dangerous, if a bully injure another the others will see them as weak and can injure them further.
It takes a lot of work keeping and eye on them when introducing new birds or one becomes old. We are learning all about the ins and outs of chicken care.
It's good to know!
I never knew there was so much to learn!
It's fascinating stuff, actually...
My sister loves her chickens.. But she doesn't talk much about them.
This is amazing insights into the secret lives of these common birds that we should all probably know more about.
Thank you for sharing!
There is so much. From nursing pens to how you can help with bound eggs and prolapse vents. What their coloring means on the comb with nutrition they are getting. When we inherited the chickens we thought having chickens would be easy care, thinking they are more self sufficient with and it turns out far more than we expected. Thankfully there are many good forums for backyard chickens to learn from.
I cool fact we didn’t know at first is they have the intelligence of a 4 year old human including a vocabulary range. The individual personality types are amazing. They really kinda are like having a few more puppies. I love it when they get excited to see us a follow us around with their bouncy little chicken butts.
I’ll have to post a picture of them.
A little late today on the J post. We are beaten from the landscaping project this weekend. We are terracing the chicken run for awesome chicken habitat. This is turning into a bigger project then expected. The dirt is so compact in there it might as well be concrete. We will have to Finnish next weekend. We are not as young as we used to be. Even with frustrations with doing the work we worked well together. No fights or getting pissy with each other. That’s some serious progress for us. We do make a good team when let our selves be one. We ended the evening having bbq with friends
Let’s hope all of this work makes happier chickens and helps to curb the ongoing chicken drama.
We had weekly retro Friday night and it was good. I still have some issues with my self esteem to work on. He talked about handling his timeline. It was a very good conversation, open, honest and vulnerability.
I would talk more of it in better detail but I’m toast from today. My hands are to sore to type.
A little late this week. Sunday was more landscaping. This time I think I threw out my back some. On top of it having some female physical issues ontop of it. Yesterday was complete discomfort. But the chicken run starting to look good. It was quite funny with our new bird whom decided all the turned dirt on the shovel was where to be. She got to the point that every time my hubby used it she had to sit on the shovel and pick through the dirt before he could toss it.
Chicken drama continues, we have had to keep our angry bird separated still.
Saturday night was fun, we had been invited to an event by some friends who were performing. It was really good getting out and enjoying ourselves.
All in all it was a good week. I feel I am letting go of some triggers and I think moving into acceptance of them. I’m tired of being triggered by other women no matter the situation. That wasn’t me and I’m just done feeling it. I tired of the reminders. There are triggers still a bit bit the general woman thing, I just don’t want to live like that anymore. The reality is I’m probably seeing it more than he really. I would see it when we weren’t even together. By it I mean his types to even women that remind me of her.
It’s funny but maybe NF is rubbing off on me so to speak. I still notice the ones I know he would ogle, but only the first second or so and I stop thinking, focusing and literally tell myself “whatever”, it’s not what is important to me right now. It seems to be working I’m not as vigilant with “scanning for potential threats”. I don’t want to see other women as that, non of this their fault. Just other sisters out enjoying their day or dealing with their own shit.
I think a big part of it is the new security my hubby is bringing into our relationship. He’s being honest and consistent to changing these things so I’m sure it’s a big part of it.
A funny, not so funny thing is when some random guy makes a comment or remark about me in the street is my first thought, Oh he’s a PA. It doesn’t feel like a compliment and I instinctively feel I need to move out of the area and do not make eye contact. It’s interesting, and I have only just realized this last week or so.
Yup I always think the same thing . It’s uncomfortable.
Still with the chicken drama. This needs to get under control before winter or it will potentially be bad. Have just a few things to try. But we are learning and researching. We still need to finish the landscaping.
Work is in an uptick but not completely dominant like before. Hubby and I are becoming more open about the work related stress. We are talking through work problems and coming up with solutions. I’m feeling good that my efforts are starting to be seen.
I talked about last week letting go of some big triggers and still feel it. I’m happy with that.
We had a really good retro yesterday and some good conversations throughout the week.
Halloween is around the corner and we haven’t been able to start thinking about it yet. Our 10th anniversary is coming up just after.
Around August and September has been reminders of all kinds of negative acting out for him and the last DDay. The day real change came about. I guess I see a pattern emerging with in the two months before our wedding anniversary he would reach a high of acting out. This is interesting, I think it maybe worth exploring further. It’s like shortly before our anniversary he would sabotage or try to distance, go out of his way to do so.
Either way DDay #2 is coming up and even though he doesn’t want to “celebrate” his 1 year, for me rather than thinking of it as DDay anniversary I would like to think of it as the 1st anniversary to our new and improved relationship/marriage together.
It feels good right now. I can read OP’s new to the forums and current struggles, I am begging to identify from a place a place of remembrance rather than living in it. It could feel like trigger all in itself. Submerged in all those feelings like it was yesterday. A few years ago, even a year ago I truly wondered if this feeling, this current feeling would be possible. Well, It is. I still have moments when I feel somethings, that it’s not “over” or passing but less. I don’t know if somethings ever truly just go away but at least fade into the distance over time.
I will say, I don’t think I could have gotten this far without the changes and commitments that NF4L has made. We are closer, I’m beginning to not feel afraid (if that is a not to strong of a word) to feeling comfortable with all of this. Is this me trusting the real him? Trusting in the man he choosing to become? Renewed sense of security? I would like to think so. It does feel strange in a good way.
As he said a week or two ago it has only taken us 19 years to get here. But it’s here now and I am highly appreciative for it.
So happy for you two. Keep it up .. Both of you!
So happy you are in a good place ! I get the being somewhat triggering by posts , but I started looking at them different to help and to seek help . Can I ask if you can pin point when /what let your walls come down ? Year 2 anniversary DDAY is in Dec for us , my BT is in full everyday still . I’m guessing it’s because you saw changes over time that stuck ? Xoxo
I think it’s been slow but more so very recently that I have started to notice feeling different about a lot of things lately. We are coming up 1 year from Dday #2 (PA) but 5 years from Dday #1 (affair).
I think this is the noticeable beginning of a shift. We still have a lot to do, still work. But feeling calmer, more central and balanced. If I’m making some sense here.
I think it’s seeing and feeling the real consistency in change. Him being openly vulnerable and honest with me. This was extremely difficult for a long time. Honest respectful communication has always been huge importance with me. The suspicion and lack of trust is fading. As you say the walls are coming down.
I did too, with OP’s posts and maybe that is also a part of the shift. And the reality is it’s probably a very healthy way to process. I know there were times when something was so close to home it would put me right back into emotional state of distress, feeling triggered so to speak. But I have realized that’s changed for the most part.
Hubby and I had good retro yesterday. This week has had a few minor ups and downs mostly down for other reasons.
Hubby took a noticeable step by communication with his Dad. He spoke to him about the PA. As he put it he only scratched the surface of it. He did however tell him of his infidelity. He feels went well, his dad may not understand the full scope without all the details but he’s very much a loving and compassionate person.
Hubby and I had blip midweek. I have been haveing physical pain shortly after my cycle, I need to have it checked out. I have endometriosis and I am at risk of twisting ovaries from my cysts that I am highly prone to. That’s a worry I have when I feel this way. This week I had day where I was getting increasingly worried and if the ibuprofen didn’t help I know I would need to to the ER. I brought this up to him (in writing/text). We were at work, I wanted to give him a heads up and not something I wanted to bring up with earshot of coworkers.
I never received a response from him so I assumed he missed it, in meetings giving him the full benefit of doubt.
The ibuprofen did help so I just let it go. After work on the home I asked if had seen my message, all I got was defensive “I didn’t know what to do about it”. At that point I felt ignored and was kinda crushed. I shut down. I decided to talk with him about it and let him know that I wasn’t asking for him to fix it, I was communicating with him. Really all he had to do was ask me if I was feeling better. It took a while and he apologized to me. I wanted to talk about finding a doctor. The thought that I could have another issue and still haven’t sat down to oic a doctor is probably not the best thing to “put off”.
We worked it out.
Other than that we have issues with a coworker on our team. I have a suspicion that he could be using substances again. He had a meth problem a few years back but never had a real recovery just abstinence. His body odor is incredibly bad and the other day it was critically off the charts bad. It’s causing other issues with my lead whom is a really good friend and I really don’t want him to go anywhere. The issues with our other coworker is reflecting bad on him as the lead of our team. I’m torn in my feelings about it all. My hubby and I have good conversations about it and at least I can vent/share with him.
Chicken drama continues with our bully hen. With weather change and getting darker earlier this is going to turn into a challenge soon.
The hard part of the landscaping is so close to being done. Hubby worked on that while I cleaned the inside of the house. Still need to tackle our bedroom and the office that’s become a catch all dumping ground. The common areas are clean and that feels good.
This was a really good week and our retro on Saturday was equally as good. I woke to my hubby watching one of AnonymouseAnna’s videos. I had only caught the second half but after it was done we had a great conversation about it that led into our retro. We talked about those 6 needs and “what wasn’t” in the past compared to “what is” now. Man we have come so far.
He’s made the commitment to journal three times a week (had last week) and I would remove the restrictions on his phone. I asked him if he stops journaling do I put it back on, he agreed. I was ok with taking it off and asked him how it helped this last year.
He said he hindered being able watch recovery videos and some sites but it was a good reminder that he couldn’t be trusted (even trust himself at a point).
Hubby went to his first SA meeting on Tuesday and asked if I was ok with it after work (we work and commute together). It was only about an hour so I went and grabbed coffee and hung out with puppy until he was done. He seemed to enjoy it, he was surprised at how small it is with less than 5 guys including him. They are happy to have couples as long as they are both in recovery. Next Tuesday I’m open to joining. I told him it’s up to him to communicate with me that he would like me there. I understand there are going to be times that he may feel he needs his personal space during those meetings but I am completely willing to support him and us so if he would like me to be apart of it I will. My only turn off is the God thing, (I am an atheist and recovering catholic). I’ll be fine with it as long as it’s not “preachy”. I had enough of that in Catholic school growing up. Most of my family is still very Irish Catholic so It’s fine, I don’t have a problem with as long as it’s not being pushed on me. He said he felt it wasn’t, so I’m open to it.
We spent this weekend with my father in law. I love him dearly, he’s worked so hard for himself these last few years and at his age it’s not easy. He has a new beautiful condo that’s all his his and he’s so proud and confident. He is such a sweet man. My husband has opened up to him about the PA and had disclosed his past cheating to him. He’s happy and appreciates that his son is bettering himself and our marriage. His dad has had failed marriages and his self esteem had taken a big hit because of it. He’s just so full of love and appreciation.
Saturday night his dad looked at him pointed at me and said “this woman loves you so deeply”, I said “that is absolutely the truth”. His dad started to cry and said “that’s what we as humans always want out of life, to love and be loved”. He gave me a big hug.
We spent yesterday afternoon with my husband’s mother’s side of the family. He and his sister are worried for his mom but it was a nice family bbq. We have been so busy the last 7 months that we hadn’t been able to be around much.
I’m just feeling so much love and contentment at the moment.
My husband attends SA in our area and, although we are Christians, he said they dont focus on God. When any kind of faith is brought up, it is referred to as "higher power" and whatever that means to each individual.
Another week in the new life.
Interesting how hubby and I had a funny serious disagreement. Our conflict resolution has definitely improved and we sat down and came up with a new agreement.
He wanted me to put the restrictions back on his phone. I told no, didn’t want to. I care more about his access to helpful learning sites and videos then my spending time worrying about if he’s going to go somewhere he shouldn’t. We renegotiated what we feel comfortable with.
Every week there are to be 3 actions or variations of. So for example if he can’t make the meeting he makes it up by one of the other three.
His SA meeting or similar type of meeting.
At least one journal post
New article, video or a chapter in a book about recovery for us and we have dialogue about it.
I’m good with this because, I want to see the long term commitment and fallow-through.
As for me and where I am at, we had an interesting time on Friday. We and a coworker decided to have a beer after work before heading home. The bar atmosphere is geared for the younger crowd but it had an amazing local craft beer selection and is super close to the office.
Shortly after we sat down and guy and young girl cane in. And she was definitely overly advertising herself and putting on a show that was suited for a strip club. May as well been right out of the start of a porn clip. I won’t get into the details.
Anyway I don’t think there was a single person that didn’t “notice” her, she made spectacle of herself. She was young , attractive and very much someone whom he would have no shame in “noticing” a year ago.
Rather than being triggered, I felt more sadness and pity for her that she has reduced herself to such a superficial thing.
I’m proud of him for controlling himself. We were able to talk about it and even though he was upset at himself that he had tell him so no when the PA was wanting to indulge he succeeded in overcoming the urge. I know she was “unavoidable” to not notice. He can’t control that but he did control himself.
I’m happy that with unavoidable situation I had not been triggered or aloud myself to be. I’m confident my letting go of my triggers is not a temporary thing. It doesn’t mean I don’t have thoughts that can still go through my mind but the emotional side is still level, it doesn’t rule me anymore. I can see someone who would be a go to for him or remind me of her and feel all the negative things. This is not their fault, they are not the enemy and his behavior is his responsibility not theirs or mine.
I can not control what they look like or how they dress or their age. But I can control my perspective and it influences how I feel and and act on it. It’s taken a very long time to get here.
Last note, chicken drama update!
Drama is still happening but I think it might be getting better. The stalking from our bully hen is subsiding in the run at least but not sure yet how brutal she will be in the coup.
We finished the hard part of landscaping (it is looking really good). Now it’s the little things. Planting the appropriate chicken friendly snacks and having the run look better then a dirt slope.
This post is completely non PA, BT or relationship but I personally feel this is a BIG WIN in the casa human, fur & Feathered household.
The chicken drama seems to have come to an end!!!!!! Woot!
Just in time for fall/winter. I was starting to get super worried about it with weather changing, shorter days and would have made life difficult for humans and chickens alike.
Oh please I hope I didn’t speak to soon.
Maybe I’ll keep a tidbit of the day in life of our chickens at end of each entry, just because!
Good week. A small blip that we had but we worked through it. The blip was a communication trigger for me. We had a good short talk of during retro yesterday about it. The thing is and this is something that I need to figure out for me is his Step in making amends.
This part of the step I had not thought about. He had an emotional affair years ago. I really liked her as person and I believed that this affair was more one sided on his part. She was in very serious long term relationship at the time.
He did come to me then about what he was feeling after a while and he believed he was “in love with her”. Anyway we worked through it, so I believed. I thought it was done and over with his feelings about her but with the PA he still tried to be sexual with her. Flirting, suggestive texts now and again and she was a coworker, there wasn’t much I could do about it. But she was and still is a good person. She didn’t ask to be the object of his desire.
Anyway for the last few years she had been out of the country. There was out of site out of mind feeling that in that instance gave me a relaxed feeling about it all with her. I know non of it was her fault but the reality for me is I don’t want the reminders.
There is another person I thought was a friend and well im completely uncomfortable with the idea of him having private conversation with her even through the step. I don’t trust his perceived “special friendship” with her that he felt he had over those years. I’m feeling uncomfortable about the first and I really don’t want anything for us to with the second even through his making amends. My issue with second is she flat out lied to me, refused to have a conversation with me with full on avoidance tactics. She betrayed the friendship I thought we had. The feeling of being gaslighted was through the roof from my husband and her and set off some serious red flags and alarm bells for me. I know that’s a big reason I’m feeling the way I am.
Anyway we talked more this morning and we discussed how I was feeling about it. I wasn’t the best at articulating it as I’m not really sure yet so it’s hard to communicate when your not to sure how you really feel about something.
He’s going to work on his disclosure letter and time line and we will discuss how to handle it from there. I feel this is a good plan for us. I do have something more to work on for myself with this.
In the other news, chicken drama update!
The chickens are doing good. No more bully hen behavior.
Our alpha hen is showing some odd behavior with our pullet. At night the alpha will literally force herself under the pullet to sleep. Like she’s obsessed, it’s actually kinda funny looking and sweet. The funny part is the pullet looks like she’s roosting completely on top of our alpha. Not really alpha behavior.
The bully hen is on the bottom of the pecking order and more independent or isolating herself and that’s kinda sad. She really is sweet bird outside of the short stint as a bully. She will sleep alone completely away from the other two.
The run is really starting to look good! We have now all kinds of herbs planted along the outskirts of run, replanted our huge Swiss Chard that’s been loosing seeds in the run. I hope they stick around and spread, Swiss chard is great for chickens.
Healthy weeds are being planted for them too, we don’t want board hungry chickens. They could eat the stuff that will kill them because of it.
We planted some Salal in the yard and I’m praying it will take. Wild Salal is said to be hard to transplant.
We talked with some folks that have a massive amount growing wild on their Mountian property and wanted to thin it out. Killer deal in my book. Now I just need some Oregon grape to go with it. There is something about edible sustainable landscaping!