A day in the life of Jennica

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Jennica, Jan 19, 2018.

  1. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    It’s been a bit, work has really been dominant and not changing. Hubby flew out for work for this week and has been the first time traveling since everything came out. I believe we are both good, work load has been keeping us to occupied to think about anything else.
    I have had some undertones of anxiety but manageable and I know what it is. Work isn’t winding down in fact the company is flying me out too.
    Fur kids will not be happy with us.
    Overall we are doing fine, I’m doing fine but have a few moments here and there. I’m tired and I have a lot to do, I hope I can get done what needs to be done in a day.
     
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  2. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    I’m getting ready to head off to the Airport, super tired and I have another tension headache. I can still feel undertones if anxiety, I’m worried forgetting something important. Hubby and I had FaceTime retro yesterday in between all our busyness. I’m proud of him for making a good call, he didn’t utilize the hot tub (he and his boss were going to soak tired muscles) that is at hotel while there was a group of young women hanging out. He chose to soak in a hot bath instead. I appreciate his forthcoming and his personal self awareness in avoiding the situation.
    I’m personally not looking forward to the longish flight but I downloaded season 2 of Stranger Things on my Netflix app to help get me through the flight. I’m so tired but I know I won’t sleep well at all. I’m going to miss my fur kids terribly.
     
  3. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    Quick check in.

    We are flying back tomorrow night, Sunday at home and Monday work again. I’m trying to convince my hubby that we should take Monday off, or at least he could have his morning meetings remotely.
    No time for recovery as there are 5 of us in an AirB&B. Wake up- go to work, have dinner-talk about work. I need a break!

    I need some us time without distractions, even if it’s just steeling away for 30 min. I asked him if he was ok, if anything was bothering him. He just seemed like he was going through some motions. His reply was “I think I’m my work box”. I get it, he apologized for neglecting me, I haven’t felt neglected or he was mean in anyway. Just not quite there. We are both overly tired. All in all we are good no problems, no time for any actually. I just told him it’s ok to step outside of the work box now and again, it’s unhealthy to just live there.
    I would like a few minutes of connectedness between us that has nothing to do work. I understand work commitments and integrity but you have to take some personal time, especially in this situation.
    Sooooo looking forward to be back home, I wish we were getting home a bit earlier in the evening. I miss the puppies and our bed so much.
     
  4. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    Not looking forward to the flight now, but Happy to be heading home this evening. I woke up this morning to my left eye and bridge of my nose completely swollen from what I’m assuming is some kind of bug bite. Doesn’t feel good at all. A coworker is finding some Benadryl type thing to get the itchy swelling down. This is driving me nuts.
     
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Fly safe!
     
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  6. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    Thank
    you!
     
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  7. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    Made it home last night, feeling the 3 hr difference in time zone. I missed out comfortable bed over a cheep mattress on the floor from the AirB&B.
    Thankfully the swelling in my eye gone from the reaction I had yesterday.
    We managed to have a retro yesterday but it wasn’t easy finding the privacy to talk living with coworkers for the week.
    I agree with my husband that our recovery is good, in the past things would have been much different with being at odds with each other under this work situation. Neither of feel we have taken steps back.
    I was able to talk with and ask him about a little tidbit of a thing. It felt good to talk but he had no memory of to “resolve” it on my end. Why is it important for me, the closer, the not knowing is harder than the knowing. There are many reasons I can list for this but I guess for me the biggest reason is feeling respected enough to be told the honest truth and knowing what I’m working with. What’s hard is feeling like I was so ignorant about our own relationship, that other people had a better idea than I. I guess there’s that underlying fear that will be blindsided with more information one day. I would just rather know now if there even is anything more to know.
     
  8. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    It’s been to long. Work has still been to much but I have 5days off. I worked 39 hours in 3 days so I was able have the rest of week off. It feels good!
    We have truly let our recovery slip and it’s been affecting us.
    We still had our Saturday retrospective but three days late as we were out of the country for work and staying in place with a few other coworkers. No private time and all work.

    It was a good retro, hubby spoke of finding himself falling back into old PA habits, small habits but letting himself indulge in ogling other females. We had a good talk, I was sad he couldn’t talk with me while it was happening but glad he spoke about it in the retrospective.

    However today I’m remembering things, it’s distracting. I’m trying to get our place together for a company gathering we are hosting. I am excited for it but with remembering things that I still have no answers for it’s hard to stay focused. I want to sit relax and watch a movie to reset my mind. I can’t do that, our bedroom is a mess and I need to get it cleaned too. Piles of clothes that need to be put away from trying to catch up on laundry before we flew out.

    The things I’m happy for is we could have a stressful situation worse and we didn’t. I found myself being tired and overworked with jet lag. I was letting little things get to me and him to. If this was even a year ago it could have been a massive fight, so I’m thankful for that we have come so far in that regard.

    Right now I figured I would take a moment and write in my journal maybe that will help me refocus on cleaning the house, it’s been so neglected for far to long.

    I’m remembering a lot of little things. Red flags, things that didn’t sit well with me over many years. His “friendship” with a mutual friend of ours. It’s something that still bothers me, I still don’t trust the “friendship”. For the longest time I was ok because I truly believed I could trust her and I believe I was right until the over doing of “gifts”, his always disappearing with her when we were out together. The final straw was money. The fact he still refers to how he felt about her was feelings of adoration, but he didn’t love her that way, he meant it “loosely not literally”. So many little red flags and every time I try talk about it it never goes anywhere. I don’t trust her due to when I tried to talk to her I got a run around, a shut down and flat out lied to me. I was gaslight, I couldn’t help but feel they were on the same page. I haven’t talked to her since and I no longer think of her as Friend. I have to trust my gut on this and I just wish everything was out on the table with it. The same thing with a couple but mainly one “friend/coworker”.

    Another night where he spent some time with someone and was physical with them. It’s the “I don’t remember”, “must not be important”. These things have never left me, I’m still living with them. They were 5-6 years ago now but they still are not “in the past” for me. I think I have been doing my best but they keep coming back and nagging at me. I’m not comfortable just accepting because I don’t know what I am accepting.

    There is a part of me that wants to go back in time and do things differently. Stand up for myself, put my foot down, call him/then out on it.

    I want to believe that it really wasn’t anything but it to him at the time, that there isn’t anything to remember but my gut has told me otherwise, even if it was truly one sided. I’m struggling trusting these situations today.

    I completely dislike having days like these.

    Back to work now, but he and I committed to spending a 1/2 hour every Sunday, 11:30-12:00 writing on our journals.

    Tomorrow will be better day.
     
  9. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    This seems to be the "life of an SO that loves a PA" and it's a hard life to swallow. I just made a scale on how "problematic" the women were for him in the past (meaning that if they were in his head a lot and he did a lot of fantasizing they were a 10 on the problematic scale and just a small problem would be a 1). So there is a woman at work that he is on the same shift with. She's a 10 on the problematic scale. The next in line was a 7, another woman at work. My daughter was a 4. I think understanding is important and I wish PA's would realize how important the information we ask for is to us. We are trying to make sense of it all so that we can detect problems in the future to protect ourselves. I had "Red flags" with this "10" coworker... I even asked him about her and he denied anything was there. I believed him because this was before Dday. I believed everything he said before Dday and now I believe almost nothing he says. I trust him in other ways, but sexual/porn/girl issues? nope. not at all.
     
  10. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    @BetrayedMermaid, I like the scale idea and yes there are levels to this when I think about it.

    The BBQ turned out amazing, the big boss would like to do another one before summer turns. We both enjoyed hosting and had a blast,We made a great team and we both put a lot of effort into it. Everyone had a good time!

    We had a another retro today even though our last one was late. I was able talk with him about a lot of this. He asked what he can do to help. I told him my ideal was an official timeline disclosure. It’s what I would really need from him. I explained that we never really had “full disclosure”, it trickle mostly through discovery and yes I feel we had full disclosure on a few key situations but not a true full disclosure in general. I need it from him. I don’t want anymore “discoveries”, I don’t want something else popping up 5-10 years down the road that I either find or someone else disclosed to me. Nothing stays secret forever. If I’m envious about anything it’s the other SO’s who have had this option. I know even that things could be left on the wayside. I want to put somethings to rest, I don’t want to be nagged by these things anymore. I have been able to work through the situations we have talked about but there are so many other lesser things hanging around, a lot of lesser things that added up feel big.

    I think of it this way, (looking at our kitchen after our bbq, it seems to be great way to frame this). On a regular basis every day you have a couple of dirty dishes in the sink, you wash one by one by hand it’s tolerableto get it done.

    Let’s say the OP decides to have “just a few friends” over but it’s turned out to be a full blown party and your kitchen is a destroyed, dishes and food all over the counters, stove and table you see an overwhelming pile of shit to clean. You don’t have enough space to even put the washed dishes to dry befor they can put away. A few of your favorite items were broken in the process so you have to pick up those broken bits throw them away or try to glue them together because they are irreplaceable.

    We can either work together, handle all the aspects to getting the kitchen cleaned by playing our part and helping to handle the load of the mess.
    Or let the other person take the brunt handle all or the majority of it. You are still trying to hand wash everything one by one, drying and putting it all away with care. Cleaning all the counters, the inside of the stove and microwave. Sure it can be done by one person eventually, but that one person is then being left with soggy hands that dry out and become cracked, a sore back & feet, tired and cranky. Maybe some resentment builds at every back spasms that remind you what you had to take are of by yourself to feel comfortable in your own kitchen. OP threw the party but you are the one stuck cleaning up the mess in the morning. In a way that’s what it kinda feels like with all these lesser things. It could take a very long back breaking time to clean it all up myself just so I can enjoy fresh cup of coffee in the morning without crap all over the counter in clean cup.

    He told me he would work on a timeline, I really do hope it helps with this. I know there are things that can be hard to remember, I get that (it happens to me) but I know a lot things can be if it’s thought about.
    We have come so far with many things but somethings will take a long time.
     
  11. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    Good analogy!!! I’m really happy things are going well for you guys, but yes, a thought out well prepared professionally organized full disclosure i think is good for your peace of mind. And remember they don’t think somethings are important when they really really are. For example my husband didn’t come out with the information that he was on craigslist personal ads Peruzing. He said he didn’t ever contact anybody but just browsed. This was way different to me then getting on a porn site. Because those are real people wanting hook ups. And even though he says he didn’t hook up that would have been the next step… The next elevation in his addiction.
     
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  12. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    I think of Craigslist the same way as you, with the looking, thinking and “perusing” real people thing. Not the same and yes it’s looking into real people.
     
  13. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    And he thought of it as all the same thing. He didn’t realize that that was an elevation until I pointed it out. And then I asked him you do realize that the next step is actually calling somebody and hooking up right? Like you were going the way to cheat on me. He admitted it that that could have happened If he had gone on.
     
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  14. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    A little late today but I’m not going to slack on it.

    This week was good for us. Work calmed down for a minute so it was a bit more relaxing. Only one small misshap with communication between us in the beginning of the week. We talked about it during retro and discussed how it went wrong and how to handle something similar down the road. This all has a learning curve.

    We had a great Friday night, adult rum and mango slushees (1/2 price happy hour) with some coworkers finished with a couple beers on a hot night. *I need my own slushy machine, I could live off of those during the summer.

    Yesterday was nice, brutally hot (today too). We had spent the day at the Scottish Highland Games with my mother and granddaughter. It’s been many years since we have been there. Funny enough my husband I were probably there the last time, at the same time over 20 years ago.
    I’m quite surprised we never met earlier in life.
    The sound of the pipes and drums gives me goosebumps every time. I’ll never forget listening to Black Watch playing in the courtyard of Edinburgh Castle years ago. Chills, goosebumps and all the hair on body was on end.
    When the Pipers started to play Amazing grace my mom started to cry. It definitely got us little wet in the eyes. My mom is right you can’t help to think of my grandfather when you hear it. My Grandfather was Scottish and my grandmother was a very proud Irish woman.

    Another note my great Aunt passed away a couple of days ago. Only two matriarchal great aunts left in family. I’m not ready for loosing so much family. I come from a very large Irish family, all of them were larger than life growing up. My grandmother was one of 5 sisters.

    Today we are hoping to see about a couple of giant chickens, Jersey Giant and Brahma Buff. We have lost 2 chickens this year and one of them last weekend. Sad for me, they are kinda like having feathered puppies with their own little unique personality.

    We are discussing plans for house projects and prioritizing them. Some are big, like electrical, roofing and heating. Others are small like new planter beds for the garden and landscaping the chicken run for a chicken habitat. It’s nice to be able to have these conversations with out butting heads.

    I would also like to figure out something special for our 10 anniversary coming up in couple of months. We talked about renewing our vows in a traditional wedding style but it’s out of budget for us. We never had a honeymoon either, I know it sounds petty but I think it comes down to not having that intimate connection for so long and feeling that after we were married. But we are beginning to have it now and that feels good.

    Happy to report no real issues, triggers or the like with anything this week for both of us.
     
  15. BetrayedMermaid

    BetrayedMermaid Fapstronaut

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    I’m Scottish and Irish too! I have wanted chickens for years -and I’m happy this was a good week for no triggers and feeling a connection!
     
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  16. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    We have chicken drama!
    Introducing Big Birtha (she is a black Jersey Giant but a feathered puppy no less) to The other two is a learning curve. We have to take it slow so no one gets hurt in establishing the pecking order. She 13 months old and the size of the other two. She will be twice their size within the year and I keep telling the other ones she will bigger then them soon enough so they may want to play nice. Her world got turned upside down and she is a bit terrified still.
     
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  17. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    The last few days are good, our biggest concern at the moment is figuring out our on going chicken drama. We have a “bully hen”. Last night we had to separate her from the the other two. She was way to aggressive to our pullet. I hope this works for resetting the pecking order.

    Our new girl is sweetheart but scared. Our puppy really wants to be friends with her and was trying to tell her she wanted her. Our puppy wouldn’t hurt her she loves her chickens and wants to snuff and hangout with them. They are not really into that.

    Our Cat on the other hand is indoors but would have no problem going after them like any other bird. He was a stray that quit the Happy hunter.

    Keeping chickens happy, healthy and safe is a 24hr thing.
     
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  18. I think I totally got the wrong idea. :emoji_laughing:

    I guess “snuff” has more than one meaning, but I’ve always heard it in connection with “snuff film”.

    I’m sure that’s the wrong definition in this case, but it made me laugh.
     
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  19. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    And just for fun... A 'skank' is a old farm term for a "distinguishing cloth tied around/draped around a animals neck as a sign of ownership" or also known as a old school collar.
    That can be fun when in certain parts of the country :)
    Ah, the evolution of language
     
  20. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    Total typo, sniff! she wants to sniff their butts as if they were a dog. But that funny
     

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